Ex is cross with me because I can't take DS to see him

[TaliZorah]

Background: Ex, very brief fling, split up before DS was born. His family are abusive and controlling which have left him with severe issues and learned helplessness. He doesn't pay maintenance, makes no effort to contribute to his son and only wants to see him on his terms. He gets very moody when he doesn't get his way.

Ex wants to take DS to see his nan as she's very ill and hasn't seen DS. I'm completely okay with that! But he wants to go in December. I don't have a car and he lives 3 hours away, so I would have to go when I can use my parents car, so that leaves the weekend. Most weekends in December I already have family things planned. One weekend I'm away. DS is 12 weeks and I don't trust my ex with him without me there as he is irresponsible.

I told him I would try to rearrange things but can't promise, he immediately said I was being a bitch and "clearly busy sleeping with another man", he then proceeded to make digs about my "new boyfriend" and just generally became abusive.

He's since apologised but still claims IABU about this.

Serenity that is what I was worried about. I will keep everything, I've kept abusive texts and texts where he says he doesn't want to see his son so I have some evidence.

Thank you for the supportive comments

is he on your DS's birth certificate?

I agree contact via e-mail so you have a trail. You are not able to travel to him, if he would like to see his DS, he can come to you. I would assume he won't.

Have you contacted CSA about maintenance yet?

Go to CSA and start making him face up to his responsibilities.

Firstly congratulations on the birth of your DS and managing to have such a clear head in these early months!

He's being a twat, but you knew that and just wanted MN to confirm it

You clearly know what should be happening and the reasons it doesn't happe that way.

I'd send him an email.

Dear twathead DS father,

Further to our conversation on xxxxx about my visiting with ds in December in order for him to meet his great nan.

As stated I have plans each week but will re arrange as I believe it's important for DS to meet his extended family.

Once you have paid me the back dated child maintence for the past 12 weeks I will be in a financial position to arrange the xxxxmiles travel and accomadation for DS and myself overnight.

I'll await payment and the. Confirm the travel arrangements.

tail

Then if he persues anything it's in black and white that you are happy to facilitate contact with financial support to do so. The whole short email basically sums up everything you've said about it being one sided.

Don't even bother making the effort. Put it in writing that you have no transport on the dates he suggested so therefore a visit won't be possible. I agree with cutting him out of your lives. He seems to give you nothing but trouble and pays no maintenance. Tried to bully you into an abortion??? He deserves nothing.

Do not semd that email or anything close to it. You do not ever link CM and contact, well you don't if you want to be percieved as a reasonable person.

Something along these lines (from VM) is much safer

Don't even bother making the effort. Put it in writing that you have no transport on the dates he suggested so therefore a visit won't be possible

With the addition of "unless you are prepared to facilitate transportation

You have enough on your plate looking after and loving your baby. Do not allow this moron to make your life any harder.

You are being very reasonable to put effort into driving your baby to this man so he can take him to meet the sick relative. I understand you'd rather do that than allow him to take the baby by himself without you. Even if you're not breastfeeding I totally get that.

However, you can't allow him to abuse you. You can't put up with all his crap because you fear him possibly dragging you to court. He sounds a flaky waste of space who will soon get fed up with the already limited involvement he has. BUT you must be prepared just in case he decides to be difficult.

-ONLY communicate via email and keep all communication backed up
-always remain calm and reasonable and stick to discussing your child
-refuse to be dragged into any slanging matches or engage with any taunts
-keep a record of all visits - dates, times, what happened
-keep a record of any child support he gives (if he ever does)

You will feel better knowing all his crap is set down and recorded and then you can just forget about him the rest of the time.

As an aside: why do you think his wealthy lawyer mother would want to take you to court? Why would she support her deadbeat son who pays nothing for his child?

You sound like you're doing a fine job as mum to this baby. Please don't let this arsewipe spoil things. Never worry that he will twist things to your son when he's older either - your son will know exactly who has been there for him.

He isn't on the birth certificate, i haven't contacted CSA as he's a student and I don't want him to cause any trouble. I'm kind of hoping he'll just piss off quietly

*As an aside: why do you think his wealthy lawyer mother would want to take you to court? Why would she support her deadbeat son who pays nothing for his child?
*
The reason he's like he is is because of him mum. She thinks he's wonderful, and has overprotected him and let him become a childish person. She does everything for him, he still texts her before and after getting a train to tell her he's safe, asks her permission to do things, she files his bank statements and organises his work. She also picks his university, his jobs, his friends and so on, She's very controlling and overprotective but thinks he can do no wrong. He puts up with it because she does everything for him and funds him and because he has no idea how to look after himself.

Again thank you for these lovely comments, it's reassuring to know I'm not being unfair

Why do you even bother if he's not on birth certificate? You have texts where he says that he doesn't want to see your DS, so even if he goes to court for contact, it will take ages to prove that he actually does want contact with him.
I would just tell him to fuck off, block his number and live happily ever after.

Grrrrr! His mother sounds infuriating! And he is a man-child.

I'm sure he'll soon get bored and rack off. Good luck with everything. You sound like you've really got your act together!

His mother is annoying.

Thanks! I'm really enjoying DS and being a mum and have a lovely family who are supportive. I wish for his sake his dad wasn't a massive twat but what can you do

Block his number. Offer contact via email, but he will have to come to see him or send you train tickets on a date convenient for you.