to go against what my Dad has said?

[ThisPasadenaHomemaker]

My aunt (DF's sister) has quite suddenly become gravely ill. Family have been warned to prepare for the worst, probably within the next 48 hours. If she does pass away it will be the first of my father's siblings to do so and naturally it will be a difficult time for him (and all her family).

Here's the kicker. They live in Ireland. I'm in England. My Dad has told me not to come home but it feels like the wrong thing to do. I know he's trying to save me any stress (2 DC, college etc - it wouldn't be easy but also not impossible) but I very much feel that I would like to be there for him to offer my support in any way, emotional or simply practical. We're very close.

WIBU to go home even though he's told me not to?

I assume you'll go to the funeral? Could you stay for a few days afterwards?

Go home. Your Dad is trying to spare you stress at his own expense. You want to be there, and it's not that he doesn't want you there, he just doesn't want to make your life difficult. I think you need to be there, for yourself as well as for him.

That's part of the issue. She is a vehemently anti-church atheist so there won't be the usual catholic 3 day wake then burial.

If she is being cremated, is some sort of service still the norm? And when would that be? (Apologies - I, very luckily have very little experience of deaths/funerals).

Go home. I think most people's first reaction is "don't put yourself out, I'll be fine" when they really want to gather loved ones around them.

Sorry for your family's loss.

I have been to a few humanist funerals. In each case there was a service in the crematorium led by a humanist celebrant consisting of music, readings and eulogies. Obviously no reference to religion or afterlife.

Go home there may be a humanist ceremony. Your Dad will need support and a hug-

I didn't go to my uncle's funeral in July and I still feel shit about it. It would have been difficult. But I kind of regret not making more effort.

Balance that with what you're able to sort out. I could have made a bit more effort and I know that. But if you try to make arrangements and it's too short notice and nobody will cover ...... then don't berate yourself for not making it.

A humanist service could be held. Although brought up Catholic, my mum decided she wanted nothing to do wth the church when she was told she was dying. She was cremated and a humanist speaker (don't know what to call him) met with us after she died and just listened to us talking about her. The service as such was all about her, our memories of her and her favourite music. It was really lovely.

To be honest, even if there isn't a catholic service, I've found the wake/post-funeral gatherings happen the same here in Ireland one way or the other. I think it's just in the genes.

For a cremation there will probably be a short service at the crematorium (which is usually like a little chapel) and then the usual hotel for lunch/back to the house for soup & sandwiches and telling tales of the deceased

Funerals also tend to happen a lot closer to the death than in other countries.

I'd go, if it were me and I had any way of managing it. If it's really a case of just trying to save you stress/hassle, I'd imagine your dad will actually be very pleased to have you there after all.

Thanks all.

I really didn't need much in the way of persuading. If the likely does happen I'll book a flight home. I can take baby DS with me and leave DD with DP so school isn't disrupted for her.

Good. Really wish I'd made a bit more effort back in July. You'll never feel like the piss=poor niece that I feel like now. Also, he was my mum's big brother, who meant a lot to her.

Hope it works out for you OP. It's a very stressful time but I think you might regret not going. I've missed a few elderly relatives funerals because of distance, young kids and a husband who works away. I wish I had went.

Do what fits for you, and what feels right. Your Dad is being a great parent and not putting any pressure on you :)

I'm sorry for your loss, I hope you find some comfort being with your relatives at this time.

Some good advice Pasadena Hope it all goes well.

As I assume you know in Ireland the removal for the ceremony, or whatever the humanist version is, is likely to be at most 2 days though often one day after she dies and the burial service, cremation, the day after that unless it is delayed for some reason. The quick timings seem to catch all our UK relatives out. I presume she is not alert, so personally I would wait for her to pass but there is no wrong or right here. How very sad for you all.

Go home. Take the children.

Sorry I reread what I write and it was completely unclear. Funerals are typically 2 day events in Ireland. Day 1 of funeral is most often the day after a person dies and day 2 the day after that. So all very quick.

I'm not sure where in Ireland that your family live but certainly in NI our burials take place much more quickly than in England. I've known them to happen within 48hrs and certainly almost always within a week at the very most, so that might be worth bearing in mind when planning your return home. PS when my nana died my dad told me to go to work, see to the kids, he and his brothers would sort things out etc. When I got to work I knew I needed to be with him (I'm an only child and if my dad is ok....I'm ok! And vice versa!) So I went looking for him. It was the right call. He needed to be with and I needed to be with him. He said when he saw me arrive at the nursing home he felt his heart lift and he knew he could cope with doing what needed done!

I wonder why there has to be such a wait in the UK.

All of my relatives who have died (all elderly, thankfully) have had their funerals 7 - 12 days later.

My dad died on the 2nd, his funeral was on the 12th.

Snap..another I've known English relatives be horrified at the speed we do things at here whereas we think the long drawn out English way is draining! And burials can happen on a Sunday here which can be another strange thought to some!

I think the reason for the wait in England is because you need to wait for the death certificate to be issued whereas in Ireland you get the death certificate a few weeks after the death.

How lovely he is. I think he will really appreciate you being there. Very sorry.

Go home.

Thanks everyone.

My auntie died a little while ago. My poor Dad sounded rather shellshocked on the phone. I can't book anything tonight but once we find out the timeline tomorrow I'll get our flight booked. Now that the inevitable has happened I know for sure that I want to be with my daddy and give him a big hug.

Thanks again