To have little sympathy when my DCs hurt themselves from fighting each other

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They fight quite a bit, sometimes quite physically. I attempt to stop them obviously, but I just get worn out from constantly separating them, telling them off etc.

DD just got kicked in the cheek by DS and is cross with me for not rushing downstairs to respond to her cries. She was sitting on DS, wrestling him, when he (accidentally I think) kicked her.

To my mind, if you fight you're going to get hurt. Life lesson. And I'm fed up with being referee. AIBU?

I don't allow fighting, play fighting or roughhousing, so that is clear line for them.the latter 2 might be fun but nearly always end in tears.

Four DC here, oldest is 9, youngest 20 months. Four year old son with autism, who can be extremely violent. Seven year old probably has ADHD and as a result has no impulse control. Nine year old has autistic traits, particularly an over-inflated sense of justice. It's a complete recipe for disaster.

I can cope during term time but the holidays, well, yeah. They're all as bad as each other (toddler excluded, I always protect her!) so I have pretty much zero sympathy for them.

Beatiful I have similar situation. I put them in the hall, one at one end and one at the other and let them sit there in silence for a few minutes. Even though it's natural to be angry with he eldest, I'm trying to stop younger dc deliberately manipulative behaviour

I'd go for what my parents did: child rushes to them crying (not seriously hurt, obviously) - bored voice "I told you this would end in tears..." It took a couple of goes, but it worked with us!

Mine are only 4 and 22m but I tend to let them squabble, snatch and do the odd bit of pinching/shoving before I step in. Fortunately distraction works wonders at this age so I'm not sure how I will handle it when they're bigger with more stamina!

I'm one of three and my parents usedto let us get on with it in the main - although we do giggle at the time my dad launched 3 Stuart Little toys (from McD's, we all wanted the "best" one) out of the sunroof...

I agree to a certain extent but I also think you need to teach them a better way to relate to each other. So when my two squabble I step in and show them how to be nice to each other. It's working really well and they're ridiculously sweet (most of the time) to each other. I've also taught them how to walk away if the other one won't give in. If they both insist on carrying on then I leave them to it.

My main motivation is that my parents never got involved when my older sister bullied me and my younger sister. We now don't speak to her at all as she needed help to learn to relate to us (she has undiagnosed issues) and my parents really let her down by not teaching her. Regardless of issues, I think if children resort to squabbling a lot then that indicates they have no other way of dealing with things and so need some guidance.

I'm a bit awful at empathy when they're deliberately pissing one another off. DS2 (4, very nearly 5, quite huge and with a massive hard head - which is relevant) constantly riles, aggravates and teases DS1 (100). DS1 has, therefore, lost his shit a fair few times over the last 12 months and hurt DS2. DH used to go mad at DS1 til we realised just what an aggravating asshat DS2 actually was.

DS1 was once sat on the landing, playing with his Lego quietly and DS2 ran at him head-first, head butted him in the shoulder blades, bounced off and fell down the first few stairs, massive-head first. He screamed for a good twenty minutes (fear, not actual pain) and I secretly felt a bit pleased because, frankly, if you're going to behave like a feral dog it will always end badly.

Isn't it worth teaching your DS2 not to be an 'aggravating asshat' Time?

Nope, not at all unreasonable-zero sympathy in this house & they fight a lot at the moment

I also have custody of an aggravating asshat, rising 12, we're still working on teaching him anything. Ruddy hard work.

On the plus side, his little brother is one tough Cookie.

Dissenting voice here. If you aren't careful radical noninterference can leave the door wide open to the stronger sibling bullying the other. Sometimes only one party is really to blame! I don't get involved at the slightest tiff, but with a serious argument I try to lead them towards finding a resolution. I see it as part of my role to help them learn conflict resolution techniques that dont mean just the strongest winning out. You wouldn't say a child being bullied at school should just suck it up and they were probably being aggravating anyway, so why is it OK at home?

Yanbu

When my Brownies hurt themselves being silly I have much reduced sympathy (only minor bangs and bumps, obviously i would be more concerned with anything aerious)

Oh absolutely callindala, and we're working on it. But his natural propensity for aggravation can at times override the lure of a star on his star chart or praise from parents.

I get involved and pre-emptively stop fights where I can, mainly by redirecting DS2's attention. Other times I just don't get there in time and he learns the hard way.

What is the age difference? Leaving them to sort it out is ok if they are twins but leaving a younger child at the mercy of an older sibling is tantamount to child abuse.

I have a brother who is 3 years older, he beat the crap out of me as a child. My DM had this stupid saying, six of one & half a dozen of the other, meaning we were both as bad as each other. This was not the case, I was being physically abused. You would not let someone else's older DC hurt your child, it is bullying.

I have no siblings and when I went to friends or relatives houses as a kid I was always shocked at how violent everyone was. Like, just living in a house where other kids attack and mither you and go through your stuff etc. Are the kids all ok with attacking/being attacked and the constant annoying and tell tales etc? Do they know it's ok for their sibling to hit them, but not anyone at school? I don't mean to sound like the thread killjoy but this is baffling to me.

The thing that worries me about this is, how do you know it is just mutual fighting etc? What if one is actually picking on the other (putting aside situations where one or more have ASD)?

Lordalmighty it could also be a younger one beating up on an older one - if the younger one was stronger (say a younger brother and older sister) or if the older one was just meeker.

Kids do need to know that the adult is in charge, and that their siblings can't attack them for no reason, or indeed taunt and needle them until they lose their temper.

I didn't understand the ASD ref above. Because people with ASD don't lie or get violent??

how do you know it is just mutual fighting etc? What if one is actually picking on the other

Kids are fighting, so I tell little one "Come hang out with me if he is annoying you" or "go upstairs away from him". The little one frowns & goes straight back in to start up again with sibling because little one has business to finish.

The big one screams in fury, I go in, big one says "He won't stop kicking me!!" Little one does not deny & even adds a kick for good measure.

DH tells stories about verbally provoking big bro until big bro lashed out; only big bro got punished. Result

It takes 2 to tango, either could walk away. Any aggro, I always assume they are both guilty.

ps: and they are laughing heads off until the moment when all ends in tears. Both are still guilty, but sometimes one is more guilty than other.

Absolutely appalling when parents stand back and do the eye roll when their DC are knocking 7 bells out of each other.

It is not normal for siblings to hurt each other, why on earth do people think its ok.
Would you stand back and let them hurt a friend?
Fucking awful lazy parenting.

I'll usually encourage them to separate and have some breathing space. However when they are all over each other kicking each other as they're bored, all bets are off. As someone said, the milk of human kindness is exhausted by this point and I'm clear that I'll assume they are both guilty.

As they're two minutes apart and evenly matched for height and weight, I'm not too worried about an imbalance. When they're not fighting they're usually curled up together.

Nope, all out of sympathy here too.

DS1 is 5y older than DS2. DS2 is the thug of the pair, and has been beating up DS1 since he could walk (13mo). DS1 has never been a violent type, but my GOD he can be aggravating!

Neverending refrain is "DS1, don't get in his face if you don't want to get hit!"
When DS2 turned 2, I stopped telling Ds1 he wasn't allowed to hit back. But primarily if they start on each other, I separate them. I can't be doing with it. BUt I do accept that DS1 is often mostly to blame just from winding his brother up, or offering himself up to be beaten up - DS2 just follows his lead and DS1 is usually the one who ends up hurt.

Separation is the way forward if they can't play nicely together (they mostly do).

I just mentioned asd as in "I'm not talking about kids with asd" one way or the other. Because I have no experience bringing up kids who have it.

Not because they do or not behave in violent ways.

My parents always, always, always ignored til younger sibling cried, then got angry with older sibling, comforted younger, made older sibling apologise.

Always.

Absolutely ignoring the fact younger sibling was an irritating arsehat (to steal a phrase from this thread :o )

Younger sibling was not much younger but significantly smaller - used to climb onto back of sofa and jump (up to land down with maximum impact) onto older sibling who was (usually) sitting or lying on the sofa reading, taunt older sibling for being "fat", stamp on older sibling if lying on the floor, rifling through older sibling's belongings, refusing to leave older sibling alone with a friend ever, or just purely fabricating things that simply hadn't happened and crying to parents.

Younger sibling felt older sibling should play with her on demand and inevitably got her way by taunting older sibling til she snapped, then running crying to parents.

Consequently I hate these threads where several people always start on about the older sibling inevitably being a big fat bully and needing punishing in sibling squabbles because inevitably any interaction in which a younger child cries is the older or bigger child's fault.

Yes, obviously I was the older sibling :o

Personally yes - limited sympathy on the surface to minor injuries in a sibling squabble generally (they can always go their separate ways as they have their own rooms, and my older two are almost identical in size though not age - they rarely fight with the littlest) but a covert eye kept on the dynamics of what is really going on! Try very hard not to make assumptions about which child is to blame each time, if crossness is required!