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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To really judge my inlaw

32 replies

MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:26

I want honest opinions on this as we don't have the best relationship so I could be being massively judgemental about something that's none if my business but inlaw has been massively namedropping a friend of Theirs. The friend is married, they have been seeing a lot of each other recently.
Basically they are having an affair now and inlaw wants him to leave his partner. 'friend' claims they are unhappy and the partner doesn't love them (dont they all).
Honestly every mention of the 'friend' makes my stomach turn and My opinion of inlaw has never been great but its now worse than ever- how can they think this is ok?! The rest of the family are apparently ok with it - me and DH are Hmm at everyone's morals on this.
Its grim isnt it? This can't just be me thinking it- it is actually grim.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 14/11/2015 16:28

Your OP isn't very clear.

Who is having the affair? Your inlaw? I really can't figure out what you mean.

QuintShhhhhh · 14/11/2015 16:28

Eh?

Who? What?

Original poster
MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:30

My sil is having an affair with a friend of hers.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 16:31

It's shit. But it's not really your business.

If it really bothered me I would ask them not to try and discuss it with me and/or walk away every time it is discussed.

I would also feel a little sad that the in laws self esteem was so low they believed what the cheater was saying.

But don't judge everyone else for not condemning them or even seemingly going along with it.

Chances are that they don't agree they just don't want to rock the boat.

I don't get on with in laws but bite my tongue so it's less stressful for my mum.

Original poster
MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:32

Yes it's hard I've not said anything apart from asking about his wife but my cat's bum facial expression will give away my thoughts on it all.

OP posts:
ConstanceMarkYaBitch · 14/11/2015 16:32

Not your business though, is it?

laffymeal · 14/11/2015 16:32

Maybe her marriage really is dead. Not advocating "have an affair" but perhaps the new partner makes her genuinely happy and others think it would make sense for her to end the marriage and make a go of the new relationship.

There's not much you can do about it, probably best if you don't get involved.

Original poster
MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:33

Sorry to be clear sil is single long term single- the guy she's seeing is married with children :(

OP posts:
MsJamieFraser · 14/11/2015 16:35

Is your sil married? if not she is not the one having an affair, the married person is.

MsJamieFraser · 14/11/2015 16:35

sorry x posted

PerspicaciaTick · 14/11/2015 16:36

It is grim and I see no reason why you and your DH cannot ask her to stop discussing her affair with you. It isn't your business and she shouldn't make it your business by talking to you about it.

laffymeal · 14/11/2015 16:37

Judge the guy having the affair then, not your SIL who is single and can see anyone she wants, although she's on a hiding to nothing with this probably.

More than likely she'll end up very hurt.

If she's been single for a long time and believes herself to be "in love" with this married person, it will be very difficult to explain the pitfalls to her.

I feel a bit sorry for her tbh.

Finola1step · 14/11/2015 16:37

Yes, it is grim. Your SIL is the OW. Simple as that. There is nowt you can do about that information.

What you can do is focus on your response. Everytime she mentions the "friend", change the subject. Every time. You can't change what she is doing but you don't have to listen to any of it.

Original poster
MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:37

Fair point Miss he is having the affair then.

OP posts:
KeepOnMoving1 · 14/11/2015 16:39

Yes I would judge too, but you can't really say anything.

PerspicaciaTick · 14/11/2015 16:39

Of course the SIL is having an affair. What else would you call it?

Original poster
MissJudged · 14/11/2015 16:43

I don't feel sorry for her she's been 'the wife' with cheating husband albeit not with young children like his partner. But take on board the changing subject tact think that's all we can do.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 14/11/2015 16:52

Don't agree it's none of your business. But I'm in the minority sigh.

Is not OK in my book tolook the other way when heinous things are going on under our nose.

Aside from that, she's splattering it all over you. Enough already. Tell her to STFU, you don't approve, you don't want to hear one more word of it.

But hey, people can do precisely what they like - the worst crime, by far, is to be seen to be judgemental, apparently. No wonder unbelievable shit slides on past people, nobody says anything.

Enjolrass · 14/11/2015 16:54

springy how is your advice any different most people's on here.?

Which is ask her not to speak to you about it.

Katarzyna79 · 14/11/2015 17:06

if she was discussing it with me i would say its wrong shes breaking up a family albeit not alone she shoukd take responsibility for possiing ruinings this mans kids lives. Ppl dibt care sbout kids as long uas they dont see their faces. Id also tell her not tp mention it again in front of me because it disgusts me.

It is her business since her sil is openly discussing it with her.

Before i get slagged off of course the man is responsible too more so since hrs married scumbag.

KurriKurri · 14/11/2015 17:14

So your single SIL is having an affair with a married man?

I would judge. No excuses, no 'loveless marriage' crap, I wouldn't buy any of the cliched cheater's script bullshit.
Decent people wait until they have finished one relationship before starting another.
Decent people do not get involved with people who are already in a relationship.
It's quite easy not to - you just say no and distance yourself - everyone has control over this if they actually want to behave like a decent human being, not a complete shit.

I wouldn't want anything to do with her - to me being able to behave in such an appalling way is a fairly good indication of character.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/11/2015 17:23

I would judge her big time. To the point where I probably would choose to not be in her company or attend events at which she is present. And I'd make no secret of the reason why.

If the rest of the family is turning a blind eye, you'll probably end up the bad guy, especially if the man does leave his marriage for SiL and your greater family accepts him as her new partner.

lizzydrippingsghost · 14/11/2015 17:25

i fucking hate it when ppl on here say its ok for a single women to see a married man , shes single she can see who she wants.
well if she had any decency (sp) about her she would tell him to leave his wife before starting anything with him.maybe think about his wife and kids and how much hurt they are going to cause with their lies

springydaffs · 14/11/2015 17:27

Good spelling, good point Lizzy

Sansoora · 14/11/2015 17:36

Im with Springy.

To hell with turning a blind eye or going along with things because she's related to you.

I was in this situation with a friend and I stopped contact with her till she had come to her senses. It was hard but I wanted no part of a friend that could do what she was doing.

And yes, we are still friends, and have been for 35 years, but there was no way I was going along with it even as a disapproving supportive friend.

Feck that for a game of soldiers.

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