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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to keep family at arms length re baby

35 replies

Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:11

Hello. I know I ABU probably but need to vent. I am pregnant very happy but a few issues have crept up! Maybe overly worrying but I am like that I'm also very private.

We didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks mainly due to my anxiety levels and if anything had happened I can't bear sympathy etc. Also I was concerned that my mum would tell people too early despite us asking her not too ie she would tell her sisters despite promising she wouldn't. Therefore we didn't tell until 12 weeks.

My parents have offered to pay for things ie pram etc and I am totally not ungrateful but it's all on their terms. For example we want one pram and my mum will pull faces until we choose the one she wants and we don't want it ! Mum has a history of doing this ie when we got married we were controlled so much because they were paying for it and it caused me so much anxiety and stress making an already present condition worse. I am willing to be told I'm a brat.

We have the due date for the baby and likely will have an caesarean but I can't bear telling people the date as when under cs I really want to be left in peace and don't want mum phoning all the family.

My husband and I are actually close to my parents and think a lot of them. I just don't want to feel controlled and manipulated with a new baby and want some time as a small family unit without everyone knowing our business, yes I probably am a brat . Thanks for reading X

OP posts:
WombatStewForTea · 13/11/2015 23:17

You don't sound like a brat. I'd be telling her my due date was several weeks after the actual due date.
Also with the pram etc. do you need them to buy it? Or can you tell them thanks but no thanks?

Original poster
Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:19

Thanks wombat we could tell them we want to buy it as we can afford it but cue the eye rolling and narky expressions. I just hate feeling manipulated

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 13/11/2015 23:19

You're not a brat but it sounds as though you need to be totally financially independent.

Don't get me wrong, it's lovely when parents offer to pay for weddings and baby stuff but not if it comes with conditions attached.

Stand on your own two feet with your husband and then you'll feel more comfortable about calling the shots.

Original poster
Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:21

Thanks worra we are financially independent but it is customary for the grandparents to buy bigger purchases ie pram from my experience. I do not expect this and have the money to purchase everything for the baby independently

OP posts:
BackforGood · 13/11/2015 23:23

I think your title suggests quite a different thing from your OP.
I came on ready to tell you that you probably were (was assuming you were going to not let them see their new Grandchild for the first 4 months or something).
However, there's nothing in your OP that makes you unreasonable.
Just tell them your due date is a week later than it is.
If they say "We'll get you a pram" or whatever, you just say - we've already seen one we'd like thanks, it would be really kind if you want to give us some money towards it.

Don't let her manipulate you.

WorraLiberty · 13/11/2015 23:24

Yes you're right it's customary and my parents/inlaws bought ours.

But we chose the prams, there were no conditions attached.

Original poster
Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:25

Thanks I thought I was being a big woman child! They have offered to take the baby one day a week when I go back to work but again it will have conditions attached to it. I can imagine mum saying something like ' look at the money we save you and you won't even do a,b,c'. I'm a people pleaser majorly but I think drawing the line is what's needed here

OP posts:
CultureSucksDownWords · 13/11/2015 23:26

It's not customary, I don't think. Especially if the couple have been financially independent for a fair while. Neither set of grandparents bought any large/substantial items, and had they offered we would have said what we wanted, no eye rolling or snarking would have followed.

badg3r · 13/11/2015 23:33

You might surprise yourself and find that when the baby is here you have lots less trouble asserting yourself. Ask for money towards a pram you have chosen. Lie about the due date if you like. Don't tell anyone when you go in to the hospital. Good luck!

Alisvolatpropiis · 13/11/2015 23:33

No Yanbu.

My parents bought our baby a pram system, they discussed colour preferences but really thoughtfully chose a model which would fit in with dog walking. But we had final say before they ordered.

Being conditionally generous is horrible and it doesn't matter how well meaning they are.

I'd definitely fudge the dates of your edd/possible c-section by a few days.

My mum and step dad didn't descend as soon as the birth was announced but my dad did. He's lovely with my baby but I resented him arriving less than two hours after I gave birth (after a 30 hour labour) and would have preferred to have had peace with my baby and husband for that evening.

If there is a next time, I'll be careful about when we announce the birth, just for that reason.

Original poster
Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:36

Thanks ladies. I thought it was me being a funny arse but I'm obviously not. I have a sister who I get the feeling keeps them out of issues ie her partner is not working and they only found out via default about this months after he finished his job. I have a tendency to over explain and end up telling the,pm things but I need to be more careful in future

OP posts:
timelytess · 13/11/2015 23:37

You are not a brat you are absolutely right. Do it your way.

Original poster
Pepper12 · 13/11/2015 23:41

Don't get me wrong my parents are nice people. However I do suffer from anxiety and I do attribute this party to my upbringing. Everything was conditional so I was terrified to fall out of favour. I wasn't allowed to make mistakes and everyone had to come before me hence the people pleasing. I would do fairly minor things in my eyes and be chastised very harshly and made to feel awful for weeks about things.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 23:41

All sounds normal here (what you want) i didnt tell anyone i was in hospital, didnt feel the need. Parents sent cash for a cot.
Stand up to them. Yes we have a pram in mind, id be delighted by a contribution change how you react. Do it now before baby arrives.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/11/2015 23:48

Ok try the We have found a pram, We thought ..... We want .... then its a joint DH decision. They think its him, you feel stronger

Onykahonie · 13/11/2015 23:57

We appreciated financial help with pram, cot etc (as we had just bought our house), but on my terms! I wouldn't lie about due date in case lo is early or late and you need their physical or emotional help then.

However, if you can afford to buy what you want, how about asking for an equivalent investment towards uni fees and/or house deposit? Their grandchild will be more grateful for those as they will remember them!

outofpaper · 14/11/2015 00:42

OP, I completely relate to this thread, I have exactly the same with my parents.
They 'help out' but it always usually gets thrown back in my face at some point down the line, and tell me I am ungrateful and nasty I am and how generous and supportive they are.

You are definitely not a brat, but perhaps conditioned to feel like that by your parents?
Please, do what YOU want to do. It's your life, your baby, do what makes you happy and please don't let yourself be manipulated by your mother.

I would do fairly minor things in my eyes and be chastised very harshly and made to feel awful for weeks about things.

Yep, me too. The endless silent treatments . This is controlling and manipulating behaviour alright, and don't underestimate how upsetting it can be.
Definitely, in my opinion, I think you are right to keep them at arms length for the time being, focus on you want, and politely decline any 'offers'. If they react badly that's not your fault.

wickedwaterwitch · 14/11/2015 00:44

Please don't shut your mum out, it would be so hurtful

Euripidesralph · 14/11/2015 04:39

Wicked water did you actually read the thread what an unnecessary and emotionally blackmailing reply.... Her mother is controlling how dare you guilt her .... That's beyond wrong

Op , my mil pulled a lot of the money controlling crap with ds1 and it ended mind and ds1 relationship with her and nearly cost my marriage you are absolutely doing the right thing

I was also brought up in a controlling house and totally understand the anxiety and ongoing issues

This is your time with your family and it's essential
It's protected it's not selfish it's being a good mum

Don't say the date and please it's ok to shut her down whenever you need, you do not owe them a do over with your child

Protect yourself and your dc

madwomanbackintheattic · 14/11/2015 04:47

Projecting much, Ralph? Grin

Euripidesralph · 14/11/2015 04:53

Yep probably ! !

Doesn't make it any less right Grin

Dumdedumdedum · 14/11/2015 05:44

I really don't think your mother should try to dictate to you about the pram, even though it is obviously well-meant. We gave some friends a push-chair/car-seat system thingy when their first baby was born. It wasn't the brand I would have chosen myself, but they knew exactly what they wanted, so we got it for them. I was a bit Hmm about it at the time, but there was no point giving them something they didn't want and they were very appreciative.
Fortunately for me, my mother was in a different country when my baby was born, so dates weren't really an issue.

TheGruffaloFish · 14/11/2015 05:46

Definitely don't tell your due date. I told everyone mine was due early-mid month (when in fact was due at the end of the previous month). It meant I had no one keep asking me if the baby was here etc which I read really annoys people. I also expected that baby would be late as it was my first, in fact he was a few days early.

About child care you could say you'd like the baby to go to nursery/childminder and keep them as a backup if for some reason childminder is ill or nurse is closed. Or that you'd rather they were there for special trips etc than every day looking after child.

PiccalilliSandwiches · 14/11/2015 06:22

YANBU.

About childcare though, do not accept! Firstly, you attribute part of your anxiety problems to your upbringing - so why would you expose your dc to that? Secondly - you can't know yet how helpless and angry you will feel if your childcare provider doesn't follow your wishes, but you will. It's emotionally bloody hard leaving dc to go back to work for many women. I cannot imagine handing over my baby to someone who would do whatever they wanted. Pay for childcare. You'll still need their help if dc is poorly or emergency pickups. Regular childcare from someone manipulative and undermining? Not a chance.

You need to leave to stand up for your family op. It's OK to say no.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/11/2015 06:24

OP is not talking about shutting her mum out. OP loves her parents. She is talking about wanting to make her own decisions about her own baby, which is what she should be doing as a responsible soon-to-be parent. Grandparents (I am one) can be very helpful and supportive but if they insist on "helping" against their adult child's wishes that is actually not supportive at all. Bustling in and dictating terms is not helping, it's controlling. Of course they're excited about the baby, but as (theoretical) adults they just need to take a little step back and let their daughter get on with it, ready to step in and lend a hand if she asks.