To want to keep family at arms length re baby

[Pepper12]

Hello. I know I ABU probably but need to vent. I am pregnant very happy but a few issues have crept up! Maybe overly worrying but I am like that I'm also very private.

We didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks mainly due to my anxiety levels and if anything had happened I can't bear sympathy etc. Also I was concerned that my mum would tell people too early despite us asking her not too ie she would tell her sisters despite promising she wouldn't. Therefore we didn't tell until 12 weeks.

My parents have offered to pay for things ie pram etc and I am totally not ungrateful but it's all on their terms. For example we want one pram and my mum will pull faces until we choose the one she wants and we don't want it ! Mum has a history of doing this ie when we got married we were controlled so much because they were paying for it and it caused me so much anxiety and stress making an already present condition worse. I am willing to be told I'm a brat.

We have the due date for the baby and likely will have an caesarean but I can't bear telling people the date as when under cs I really want to be left in peace and don't want mum phoning all the family.

My husband and I are actually close to my parents and think a lot of them. I just don't want to feel controlled and manipulated with a new baby and want some time as a small family unit without everyone knowing our business, yes I probably am a brat . Thanks for reading X

Yanbu pepper

My mum can be like this but as a pp said, I have found it easier to be assertive since baby arrived. And actually dm has backed right off! She recently bought us a stroller, i went shopping with her with two types in mind. I did ask her opinion and did consider it. Sh offered to pay once i had chosen.

Re the CS. I didn't tell my parents til afterwards (about4 hrs after baby was born) even though i knew the date several weeks before. Mum made a couple of comments (referred emergency c section - i just said no, it was planned)

I had a much better time just dh & me.

Wicked read the thread, there is no talk of shutting anyone out.

My parents bought our pram for us, they gave us a budget and told us to go and pick what we wanted, would they consider doing this? It needs to suit your needs, not theirs. PIL decided they would very kindly like to buy our cot, but only if they picked it for us. We thanked them for their kind offer but declined, as we wanted to pick our own, so we did and paid for it ourselves. MIL took it as an insult but DH explained to her that, although we very much appreciated the offer, we had very different ideas of what would be suitable for us It sounds as though your parents add to your anxiety quite a bit.

Yanbu. I was dishonest and evasive about my due date, I think it's ridiculous to expect a baby on one day. I stuck to "middle of March". Whilst people might have thought that was weird, they were polite enough not to say. My mum did know the truth though as she could be trusted to keep quiet.

I think with the pram you should say "that's very kind of you to offer but we have one in mind/want to choose our own" and leave the ball in their court. I didn't really care about the cot and there might be other purchases that you're not so bothered about where you could let them choose if that's important to them. A savings account is also a good idea.

You're not being a brat!

You are soon to be a mother - an adult! - whereas a "brat" is a child, and an unwelcome one at that.

It was VERY WRONG of your parents to treat you as a brat, even when you were a child! Keeping them at arms' length is the very best thing you could be doing now.

I completely understand your position. My sister and I have spent the last 11 years unpicking the way in which our parents undermine us and make us feel out of control, less of an adult.

I was in the position of your sister as I kept my parents at arms length but it changed when we had children and drove me to the brink of PND.

I would strongly recommend you find yourself a counsellor who specialises in family dynamics, talk out your issues, boundaries and changing role from child to mother and how your mother's role needs to change too. And massively projecting my own and my sister's situation, I would keep her well away from the birth.

I would also keep seeing someone after the baby is born. Things change so much when you become a Mum, there are real anxieties, worries, hormonal changes and exhaustion. It is good to have a neutral person to talk to who won't judge you, remind you later or use it to undermine you. You could allow your Mum to look after the baby for a couple of hours while you went, pretending it is physio or something.

I am projecting my own situation but being prepared and being in control may really help.

Many many people have wonderful equal relationships with their parents and many do not. This is your family now, take control.

OP just go and buy the pram you want now. When expecting my first child I bought the pram I wanted early on mainly so I wouldn't feel obliged to accept some of the family hand downs.
I wanted to choose my own so I did, left it packed up (just in case, god forbid)
I accepted any other gifts etc but I wanted the pram I wanted.

When I had a section (subsequent pregnancy) I instructed DH not to tell anyone until I felt sufficiently recovered to receive visitors. No=one told me I was being unreasonable.

I agree that you should be vague about the due date and tell them the baby is due "round about"... and add on a couple of weeks.

You just need to practice saying no to them - probably better to start now with something smaller like the buggy before baby actually gets here, if you are worried already about how they will be about babysitting!

For what it's worth, I think it's quite common for people to try to impose their taste on stuff for the baby. I have had the same with my DM who offered to buy us a bouncer (like you, we could afford to buy this ourselves but DM wanted to buy something more substantial than clothes). I said thank you and it is generous, then showed her the one I wanted - Baby Bjorn bouncer, very plain, simple. Cue a lot of comments about it being so bad for the baby, no stimulation, showing me lots of alternatives in bright primary colours / plastic toys etc. All perfectly fine, but not what I wanted. In the end I said if she didn't like it she could get us a play mat instead - so an alternative more to her taste that baby will still use. What about suggesting they buy something else, maybe cot / furniture?

Don't back down or take anything on their terms - this is your baby and you get to make the decisions. It's better to politely decline then be stuck with something you don't want that annoys you every time you look at it!

If you don't want them crowding you around the birth, you could fudge the dates a bit. I'd be making sure DH is on side as guardian at the door after baby arrives - you are going to be knackered and dealing with any confrontation, even over long visits, would be easier if he was the one shooing people away after their cup of tea :) Make some ground rules - visits X hours max, Y people at a time etc.

Op I sympathise as I come from a very similar family situation.

You need to start asserting your right to say no and not explaining why. When I was pregnant with my first child we just went ahead and bought all the things we needed as I knew my mother would have an opinion (judgement) about everything. Same with our wedding. You will feel much better when you can be politely assertive. You don't have to involve your parents in every little thing X