Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

to say I no longer want to pick up 'friend's' daughter once a week?

71 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 14:39

(Ironfloor's thread inspired me to post)

An acquintance of mine, who used to be a closer friend and who's DD used to be close friends with mine, asked me back in early September if I could pick up her DD once a week and drop to school. I agreed but now it has got a bit annoying because of traffic and roadworks - she lives 2 miles away on the other side of the city centre, school is 1.7 miles away. She didn't want to rely on her ex to pick her up and her older daughter goes to college although is strangely still there when I pick up. Just got fed up now - never get a thank you from mother or daughter, let alone petrol money (£1 would be nice). Last week, daughter was ill and not going to school - did they tell me? No! Waited til I turned up

I don't like feeling resentful so thought it best to let her know I'm not willing to continue which I did this morning by text after she texted me "don't forget to pick up x". Cheeky cow.

I feel a bit unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 12/11/2015 18:35

So you want to be paid and you want her to guess that, rather than just being straightforward and telling her when she asks what she can do.

TBH I would be offended if someone offered me money for doing a favour like this, so maybe she is afraid of offending you. I would want recognition and thanks though possibly in a quaffable form

Probably too late now, but if it's money you want, how about just saying, "a small contribution to petrol money and to help cover my time would be greatly appreciated, actually"

amarmai · 12/11/2015 18:39

she is ungrateful as she is working and relying on op 1/5 of the school week to pu and look after her d. She shd have offered $$ from the start but didn't and carefully continues not to offer $$ as she has noticed that op does not want to ask for it. She is a user and op YRNU

Bimblywibble · 12/11/2015 18:54

I think OP is just dropping off in the morning.

I also would expect to repay in kind rather than cash and would be surprised to be offered cash. She offered playdates, picked up this was not acceptable recompense, asked what you'd like instead. You didn't reply saying what you'd actually like and she's the bad guy here for not specifically guessing thing one thing you expect.

Of course she should say thank you but apart from that her misdemeanors could be all in your head.

Alanna1 · 12/11/2015 18:55

I'm sorry you feel this way - I think you should ask her for a contribution to petrol if that's what you want, or a bit more, if that's what you want. I generally give flowers when people do me favours, but that's because in my social group no-one is really that short of money. I wouldn't offer money for something like this unless I was asked.

TendonQueen · 12/11/2015 19:04

Yes, she should have offered petrol money at the outset - anyone should do this if they're asking for a long-term favour rather than a one off. But you've also been daft in not asking for it. It's done now: at least you're out of an annoying arrangement. I do think you shouldn't have mentioned anyone else though, and just left her to sort it out.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 12/11/2015 19:15

Where's pigletjohn, there's a terrible drip in here...

Batman

PegsPigs · 12/11/2015 19:27

I'm going to go against the grain here and say actually YABU. She's offered in two of the texts you've shared with us to have your DD over as a thank you. Perhaps she isn't as aware that the friendship has drifted and so thinks it would be a nice thing for them to do and gives you some time off? She's said if there's anything she can do in return please let her know. The only thing she hasn't done is directly offer money. Perhaps in her world people do each other favours instead of handing over money. I car shared with someone and we never exchanged money, just gave a similar amount of lifts. Perhaps she would like to take your DD as her reciprocal offer rather than get into a financial based arrangement. She's not offering money but she's offering other things; she just doesn't realise you're angling after cash. And to be fair to her if you're too embarrassed to ask maybe she's too embarrassed to offer and wants to do you a favour instead? But doesn't realise you don't want a favour you want cash because you won't be honest with her and tell her!

Too late now obviously because you've stopped the arrangement but if I was her I would be left wondering why you'd cancelled especially if I found out it was because I hadn't offered the petrol money you hadn't asked for!

diddl · 12/11/2015 19:32

Of course the OP INBU.

She's helped out & now it no longer suits her.

Jeez, the other mother hasn't got the courtesy to drop off her own daughter, even after OP has said that it's out of her way!

hibbleddible · 12/11/2015 19:39

If you don't want to help anymore then don't.

She probably thinks offering to have your dd is reciprocating.

I always keep childcare arrangements with professionals or family, as I don't want to sour friendships.

BarbarianMum · 12/11/2015 19:41

YANBU to stop the arrangement if it doesn't suit you, but I think YABU to say she hasn't tried to reciprocate - she has, but you wanted cash not childcare. Which is fair enough but you should have said so.

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 12/11/2015 19:42

Partly agree with Pegspigs. Agree that YANBU to tell her that you're no longer doing the lifts. But I wish you'd tell her why.

There is someone like this in my extended circle. Always asking for favours but rarely offering anything in return. Likewise not letting the 'taxi' parents know when they're away so wasted journeys. Drives me nuts that everyone enjoys bitching about her but nobody has ever said anything to her face.

maria543 · 12/11/2015 19:51

I'm with Pegspigs. She has offered to repay you in a way that she thought you might like - she doesn't realise your dd doesn't like her dd so much anymore. She possibly feels it's crass/bad manners to offer money, and that it would be insulting to you.

diddl · 12/11/2015 20:08

It probably would be nice if the OP had been straight with the woman before now.

But does it really matter now that the arrangement is ending?

Would someone who cba to tell you when you domn't need to collect even care about the whys & wherefores?

Casmama · 12/11/2015 20:16

So you drive an extra 0.6 miles onc a week and you would like cash for it?

I have a company car and am reimbursed for mileage at 10p/ mile so on that basis she would owe you 6p a week and has a current total of 66p.

If you can't be bothered fine but to get all humphy cos she hasn't offered you money seems unbelievably mean of you. YABU

chillycurtains · 12/11/2015 20:47

I think this is a bit of an odd thread/OP as you have said it now so it's a pointless discussion. I think your friend doesn't seem really ungrateful. She did ask what she could do in return. If you wanted something, a couple of quid, a tenner to make up for the petrol since Sept or a bottle of wine or something then just ask for it. If you wanted a favour in return you could have asked her to babysit. She isn't a mind reader.

I don't think you are unreasonable to not want to do the pick up as it soon really inconvenient. But I do think that you shouldn't be saying she's really ungrateful as she just doesn't sound that bad.

ssd · 12/11/2015 20:59

she's taking the piss op, but you know that already

glad you've nipped it in the bud.

Jhm9rhs · 12/11/2015 21:22

I think.her behaviour in the past has not been the best, but her text today did sound very appreciative to me. Either way YANBU.

mimishimmi · 12/11/2015 21:28

YANBU. It is a pain when it becomes a longstanding arrangement and there is no reciprocity on their part. Asking you if there's anything she can do doesn't count because she was probably counting on you saying 'no, it's alright. I can't think of anything". A truly grateful person would not ask, they'd just do nice things for you.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 12/11/2015 21:50

If cash was what you wanted why didn't you establish a mutually agreeable arrangement from the start? She has asked she can do to repay the favour for goodness sake.

If you don't want to do it, fine, that's totally reasonable, but don't justify it by saying she's ungrateful, she doesn't sound ungrateful at all. Why do you feel the need to criticise her to make yourself feel better? You're not being unreasonable to want to put an end to this arrangement so the criticism of her is unnecessary.

Original poster

EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 22:14

Oh for goodness' sake, I don't want cash but can't believe she hasn't offered it! A bunch of flowers, bottle of cheap wine, a thank you text, ANYTHING would be nice! Like a PP said, manners cost nothing but can actually get you a lot or save you a lit of hassle.
When I turned up last week to have her DD answer the door and say she wasn't going to school I drove off absolutely fuming and feeling like a mug. That's when I thought I can't do this anymore.

OP posts:

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/11/2015 22:33

I don't blame you op. I know people are saying you should be up front about what you want but I think if the child hadn't been off sick last week you probably would have been happy to continue but when she can't be bothered to even tell you... I don't blame you at all.

I think there are two types of people 1) that would hate to be indebted and want to reciprocate and 2) that feel entititled.

Flip

1 2 3