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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say I no longer want to pick up 'friend's' daughter once a week?

71 replies

EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 14:39

(Ironfloor's thread inspired me to post)

An acquintance of mine, who used to be a closer friend and who's DD used to be close friends with mine, asked me back in early September if I could pick up her DD once a week and drop to school. I agreed but now it has got a bit annoying because of traffic and roadworks - she lives 2 miles away on the other side of the city centre, school is 1.7 miles away. She didn't want to rely on her ex to pick her up and her older daughter goes to college although is strangely still there when I pick up. Just got fed up now - never get a thank you from mother or daughter, let alone petrol money (£1 would be nice). Last week, daughter was ill and not going to school - did they tell me? No! Waited til I turned up Angry

I don't like feeling resentful so thought it best to let her know I'm not willing to continue which I did this morning by text after she texted me "don't forget to pick up x". Cheeky cow.

I feel a bit unreasonable - am I?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 12/11/2015 15:11

You shouldn't have agreed to this to begin with. And should not be volunteering someone else 'I'm sure they won't mind'. I think YABU to not have said no in the first place.

nauticant · 12/11/2015 15:12

You don't want to do it OP because it's turning into a pain in the arse. YANBU to turn it down for that reason.

Having to ask for a nominal amount of money and having to do this pain in the arse task while your "friend" then looks upon you as a paid provider of a service is a mug's game.

Ironfloor · 12/11/2015 15:15

YNBU. To be fair, my neighbour is very thankful that I'm taking her kids to school. But I understand what a pain a slightly long term arrangement can be. The kids squabble and are annoying most of the time. If she asks me to take the kids to school again, I'm going to politely refuse.

I think you have been very accommodating and not at all unreasonable to refuse anymore lifts. I agree with the others though, you could have given a bit of notice.

Waltermittythesequel · 12/11/2015 15:16

Why don't you get older DD to walk her to nearby schoolfriend's? I'm sure her parents wouldn't mind

So she is appreciate, asked you what she can do to balance it, then you decide the appropriate thing to do is volunteer someone else to do it?!

Countless threads on here from people who feel uncomfortable about saying no when asked something. You'd no business trying to involve another parent.

On the whole, YABU.

PeasinPod1 · 12/11/2015 15:36

I'm guessing she was only suddenly said re. if there's anything she can do as she sense OP backing off/reluctance with the situation

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 15:52

Yes Nauticant, that's exactly what I felt like - a mug.

OP posts:
Leelu6 · 12/11/2015 15:55

Sounds like there's a backstory. Why has she gone from a close friend to acquaintance?

YANBU for not wanting to do the pick-up.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 15:55

I've given her a week's notice which I think is fine. She was OK about it.

Also suggesting she ask someone else is not the same as volunteering them. Its up to her whether she asks them!

OP posts:
Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 16:03

There was a time when a few of the mums were good friends but a couple have left and we and the children have just drifted apart. I think it happens a lot as the children move up through primary.

This particular mum does tend to take more than she gives though. And seems incapable of teaching her children manners.

OP posts:
Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 12/11/2015 16:03

Why not drop/collect from your house? That way you arent fighting traffic etc. I think its a cheek asking for pick ups aswel.

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 16:08

Not sure what you mean Sally. Her mum starts work at 7.30 and leaves her DD at home with the older one.

OP posts:
laffymeal · 12/11/2015 16:10

Think you've done the right thing telling her you're not doing it any more. She sounds like a bit of a user, and an ill mannered one at that.

diddl · 12/11/2015 16:11

"Please is there anything I can do to make up for these school runs"

That sounds like desperation after OP has said that she won't do it anymore.

The mum should have thought about that before taking the piss!

MerryInthechelseahotel · 12/11/2015 16:14

Maybe the daughter is waiting for the girl to be collected by you before she goes to college.

Anyway yanbu to decide you don't want to do it anymore. I would have been so annoyed if they didn't inform me she was sick!!

I've learned over the years it's easier for my peace of mind to be friendly with/do favours for like minded people. Some people bend over backwards to repay kindness and others just take the piss.

dotdotdotmustdash · 12/11/2015 16:15

There's a saying on the etiquette forums for exactly this kind of situation. It's JADE - don't justify, argue, defend or explain. Just tell her that's it's not possible to collect her daughter any longer. That's it - it's just not possible and leave her to figure out the answer to her own problem.

duchesse · 12/11/2015 16:22

No, YANBU. She is taking advantage/the piss. You had zero regard for you last week when you ought to have been her first thought when her DD woke up sick. Tell to feck off.

clippityclop · 12/11/2015 16:28

Fuzzy' s wording was perfect, just say it does n' t work for you anymore.

pluck · 12/11/2015 16:48

She could have had last week's illness as her notice period! Very rude not to bother telling you! I think a week's notice is fine for a free arrangement. She can now take all the money you've saved her and throw it at the problem, compared to the free solution which some manners and respect would have secured her.

TempusEedjit · 12/11/2015 17:18

Had the mum offered anything to you prior to this week? Or had she just caught wind that you weren't happy after your wasted journey last week?

Original poster
EnoughAlready999 · 12/11/2015 17:30

All she has offered is to have my DD to play/for tea. In one text she said "I wish you would let me look after x as repayment" which I just thought was weird as I don't need her to do that and my DD doesn't want to go there. Its like that was the only way she was willing to reciprocate. You'd think the word 'repayment' might make her think of PAYING me something but, no.

OP posts:
NotSayingImBatman · 12/11/2015 17:49

Where's pigletjohn, there's a terrible drip in here...

So she's offered, repeatedly, to reciprocate, but you want the cold hard cash?

Jeez, it's fine to say you don't want to do it any more but just own that rather than trying to make her sound like some kind of ungrateful wench.

TempusEedjit · 12/11/2015 17:54

People like that annoy me, they either don't offer anything tangible in return, or only offer stuff that doesn't inconvenience them or which they know is unlikely to be taken up.

I've found that the genuinely grateful people will offer payment or if you refuse that then they'll give you a thank you card/flowers/chocs or whatever.

Good for you for not letting her take advantage anymore.

thickgit · 12/11/2015 18:13

Total P take. Don't feel bad that you're stopping.

eddielizzard · 12/11/2015 18:18

yanbu of course not!

err... please can someone link to ironfloor's thread? i love a good entitled thread.

MrsMolesworth · 12/11/2015 18:28

Glad you've said no. A friend of mine plucked up courage to get out of a similar set up and was screamed at and ostracised. At least she's not being ridiculous about it.