Is DD's weight issue an addiction I should tackle or ignore?

[Alittlegusty]

Have NC'd to protect DD. She is a great girl, Year 13 currently applying for Medical School but has been struggling with her weight, or rather her eating, for the last couple of years.
She has always been towards the top of the healthy range but now is very definitely overweight. Her clothes no longer fit and she has taken to wearing the same shapeless baggy stuff. We bought a lovely smart suit in the Summer sales for interviews (which will she have as part of the Uni application process) but it won't go near her now. She has stopped growing in height but is continuing to get bigger. Other extended family members have made comments to me and I am struggling to know what to do.

My gut feeling is that it seems to be a kind of addction. We eat sensibly at home, mostly home-cooked meals with puddings at weekends and just a yogurt or similar in the week. I have stopped buying biscuits but it doesn't help, she will almost gratuitously find things in the cupboards and make toast and jam, mug brownies (only needs flour, cocoa etc which I have for baking) and flapjacks and other high calorie stuff. I find empty bowls hidden in drawers weeks later! It is not just overeating, but almost as if she is in some kind of race to eat as much as possible. She will eat others' leftovers even after a big meal. I supposed the non-PC term is greed.

It really feels like a self-sabotaging addiction and I have started to think that if this was alcohol or drugs she was treating in this way I would force her to confront it. I have tried to encourage her to eat healthily now an again but generally have said nothing, but Sthis has obviously not helped as she continues to overeat and be miserable about it.

My final worry is her medical school application. She has worked so hard to get the grades she needs, work experience etc and wants to do nothing else as a dareer but I'm worried that she will be judged negatively by the interview panel as they might expect her to be healthy if she is going to go into medicine, knowing that obesity is a huge problem for our nation. Time is running out as she is likely to hav interviews after Christmas.

Everyone else in the family is a healthy average weight. I love her so much and feel that I am watching a slow train crash without doing anything to stop it. She is definitely unhappy but fets very defensive if I ever mention not e.g eating seconds when no one else is, which I rarely do.

Can anyone give me an insight into what to do?
I feel I'm being negligent to ignore it any longer.

Thank you all so much for your advice and personal experiences. To put her situation into context as some requested, DD is currently overweight rather than obese. Her weight was on the 96th percentile on NHS height/ weight charts a few weeks ago, though DD isn't aware of this, I calculated it myself when I started thinking about her situation. If she continues to gain weight at her current rate she will tip into obesity in the not too distant future.

I am so grateful to the medics among you, both interviewers and former interviewees, who have allayed my biggest worry that DD could be rejected because of her weight. After years of hard work and commitment to her ambition of being a doctor this would have been devastating for her. Had she been applying for a course unrelated to health I wouldn't have been at all concerned but I can see a certain level of conflict between a health professional giving advice which patients can see, from their appearance, that they don't follow themselves. A doctor or prospective medical student who smokes or drinks excessively is unlikely to do this in front of a patient or interview panel but someone who overeats cannot hide their issue so easily as the consequences are there for all to see. Given the constant publicity around obesity and its future impact on the NHS, I was concerned that selection policies might want to screen out those who have a higher BMI and am so relieved this isn't the case. I agree that if DD can overcome this, she will have real empathy for patients who struggle with this issue themselves and their own experience will be invaluable.

I've decided that it's not right to ignore DD's situation any longer but will first find the right time to talk about her coping strategies rather than simply the food issues and take it from there. I'm also looking through the books and websites you have recommended, thank you.

I'll come back and let you know how things work out, as it seems DD is not alone and it took me a while to decide to post so I imagine there are other DMs out there in a similar situation. For any DCs reading this who might be affected, please remember that the vast majority of DMs really do love their DC unconditionally, would NEVER think their precious DC are a "useless piece of flab" as a PP shockingly wondered about her own situation, and only worry about their future health, happiness and fulfilment. The trouble is we don't always approach things in the right way, hence me posting here for advice in the first place.

I think stress is a major cause of over eating.Your DD is nearly an adult, presumably not lacking in intellignce.She knows se is oveweight and she knows it is caused y overeatingI can't see how you taking control is going to be beneficial and will only upset her.

Gusty you sound lovely and I just wanted to wish you and your DD the best of luck.

My DD is 11, and we're seeing some signs of anxiety and secret comfort eating. She's naturally well-built, taking after DH's side of the family who seem to produce Amazonian women!

Am hoping to get on top of it before she starts secondary next September - planning to start walking to and from school and stopping DH constantly buying crap whilst I'm stocking up on quinoa and salad! The sports club she attended at school was cancelled at the beginning of term but we've found a new one for her to start after Christmas.

It's very hard to take control of the situation (or help them to as they get older) without risking making the situation worse.

How about getting a smoothie maker and making her some slimming smoothies? Or showing her how to make a massive ratatouille that she can eat without limit? If she is normally sporty then this is the way back in I think.

I wouldn't mention her weight or secret eating - she knows u know honestly I knew my parents knew.

I do think your approach of asking if there's anything u can do to help her stress might be the way to go if you are worried.

You do sound lovely OP.

I will share my story, although I accept it may not reflect or fit your own situation, but it might help another MNetter reading this thread.

My DS was always well covered, but as he hit his teens he became really overweight. He was eating all kinds of crap. and I would find the packets and wrappers in his room and school bag.

I did everything I could think of to help. I took him to a dietician, refused to drive him to school so he had to walk over a mile each way every day, stopped buying snacks etc etc. Really did everything I could think of, dieting with him, lots of encouraging talks, praising him when he made good decisions. However, he just kept getting fatter and more and more unhappy with his weight.

Eventually, I just stopped. I told him he was an adult now - as your daughter is - and that I could not continue to try to control his weight, it was his responsibility, but I loved him no matter what. For some reason this sparked something in him and he lost over two stone in four months. He has kept this weight off and eats far more healthily now. He is not skinny, but slim. He looks fantastic actually!

I do hope you and DD find a way through this. She is very lucky to have you.

Hi Gusty - I would definitely second talking to someone professional.

They may well be more going on in her teenage life, that she doesn't feel able to share with close family. But a professional 'stranger' could potentially help her work through whatever underlying issues are causing her negative behaviours.

I'm sure she's not happy about her weight either, but treating the thinking behind the behaviour (rather than the eating itself with diets/gym etc) seems sensible to me.

And the right counsellor could really make a huge, huge difference.

She's very lucky to have you as her mum!