Is DD's weight issue an addiction I should tackle or ignore?

[Alittlegusty]

Have NC'd to protect DD. She is a great girl, Year 13 currently applying for Medical School but has been struggling with her weight, or rather her eating, for the last couple of years.
She has always been towards the top of the healthy range but now is very definitely overweight. Her clothes no longer fit and she has taken to wearing the same shapeless baggy stuff. We bought a lovely smart suit in the Summer sales for interviews (which will she have as part of the Uni application process) but it won't go near her now. She has stopped growing in height but is continuing to get bigger. Other extended family members have made comments to me and I am struggling to know what to do.

My gut feeling is that it seems to be a kind of addction. We eat sensibly at home, mostly home-cooked meals with puddings at weekends and just a yogurt or similar in the week. I have stopped buying biscuits but it doesn't help, she will almost gratuitously find things in the cupboards and make toast and jam, mug brownies (only needs flour, cocoa etc which I have for baking) and flapjacks and other high calorie stuff. I find empty bowls hidden in drawers weeks later! It is not just overeating, but almost as if she is in some kind of race to eat as much as possible. She will eat others' leftovers even after a big meal. I supposed the non-PC term is greed.

It really feels like a self-sabotaging addiction and I have started to think that if this was alcohol or drugs she was treating in this way I would force her to confront it. I have tried to encourage her to eat healthily now an again but generally have said nothing, but Sthis has obviously not helped as she continues to overeat and be miserable about it.

My final worry is her medical school application. She has worked so hard to get the grades she needs, work experience etc and wants to do nothing else as a dareer but I'm worried that she will be judged negatively by the interview panel as they might expect her to be healthy if she is going to go into medicine, knowing that obesity is a huge problem for our nation. Time is running out as she is likely to hav interviews after Christmas.

Everyone else in the family is a healthy average weight. I love her so much and feel that I am watching a slow train crash without doing anything to stop it. She is definitely unhappy but fets very defensive if I ever mention not e.g eating seconds when no one else is, which I rarely do.

Can anyone give me an insight into what to do?
I feel I'm being negligent to ignore it any longer.

that's brilliant, alittlegusty!

Clothes shopping wise, if you want her to feel good about herself then that may not be great idea depending on what size she is now? High street clothes shops tend to make you feel awful if you're overweight! never a feel good experience, more an ideal.

Maybe internet shopping? so she can try things on at home privately with you to make her feel wonderful regardless of the size on the tag, and send back the stuff she doesn't like?

I'd suggest getting away completely from the idea of self image and clothes and weight. Maybe get outside, get into nature, go up a mountain, get rosy cheeked and out of breath and full of wonder at a view and able to talk while walking! Try and broaden and enrich her life. Don't reinforce things that are difficult!

I agree about not saying anything until after the interviews.

Considering that medical students often have to experiment on themselves, I think you could tell her that now she has a problem she should make it her project to find the best solution. She will be a much better doctor for it.

How overweight is she? It can be easy to fall back on comfort food at a time of stress.

Can you get loads of low cal snacks in?

The other thing re stress is you could perhaps (gently) talk to her about graduate entry medical courses as another option if she doesn't get in. You may still get shot down but she might still tuck it away at the back of her mind that there is a fallback and this isn't her only chance. And as they're 4 years doing that plus a 3 year BA or bsc first only actually adds a couple of years on.

yes how overweight is she?

To confirm what others have said, I am also involved in interviews; body size won't matter unless someone chomps donuts thru an interview or had trouble breathing (just trying to think of anything that could be obesity related).

She doesn't sound obese, anyway. More like plump which isn't so unusual.

As a mother, what would bother me is that she's dealing with stress by eating. Not so unusual, but the stress won't be easier when actually in med-school. I have a DD who pushes self too hard, so plenty of sympathy.

OP, you may find this website useful too. Good luck.

www.eating-disorders.org.uk

Another person who interviews for medical school - weight definitely wouldn't be a consideration, nor would it be a consideration further along the line in her career as far as my experience as interviewer for Junior doctors goes.

I would raise it with your daughter and I think sooner rather than later would probably help her - I suspect it is adding to her stress. I have a similar situation with DS1 aged 14, tiptoed around it for several years, tried general healthy eating, exercise etc as a family. But eventually we joined Slimming World (they take teenagers with a GP reference, in fact will see them for free). DS1 so much happier once he took control of his weight and admitted that it was making him really miserable. I go along with him every week and have learnt some great habits too - help with the middle aged bulge. It isn't easy nowadays - incredibly calorific food all around kids to a much greater extent than 30 years ago, but I would recommend giving her the power to do something about it. My DS wasn't obese by the way, just in the 95-100% range for height and weight and looked overweight if you know what I mean.

Group weight reduction programmes like weight watchers and slimming world are one of the few methods that have been proven to result in effective weight loss by the way (there was a paper in the BMJ on this a few years ago). Finally, we kept seeking help and being given healthy eating advice etc - I would definitely recommend a proper group like SW or WW.

Good luck!

My dd gained weight very rapidly during adolescence and is now quite significantly overweight. She isn't happy, and she eats to cheer herself up. She also doesn't seem care about her weight as many of her friends are also big. I'm not sure she has any intention of addressing the issue.

I always feel like mumsnet is weird about weight issues in children and young people. First there's the assumption that even quite serious overweight in children is something that can be tackled with little more than family walks and fewer biscuits, while squirming over ever actually openly acknowledging to the child that they are overweight to start with.

Someone has to want to lose weight to lose weight. And they have to take an active role in making it happen. They have to be the driver of it, otherwise it's not going to happen.

In other words OP - there's really bugger all you can do other than to check your daughter is ok emotionally and offer her support if she isn't. Your daughter is overweight and she may stay that way for the rest of her life or get bigger. You have no control over it so you need to accept her the way she is.

Not much to add except an echo of those pp's who suggest unconditional love, BEAT and looking at things that have nothing to do with food. Definitely don't start suggesting diets or similar, if she does have binge eating disorder that is disastrous. I'd recommend two books for you that may give you insights/help (you may after reading them feel that you want to share them with her)

It Was Me All Along
8 Keys To Recovery from an Eating Disorder

I've had emotional eating problems in the past, and can identify with a lot of the things your daughter is doing, though not as extreme.

I'm not sure how much you can do if she isn't ready to change things for herself. Having healthy foods in is a good idea, though nothing "diet" as she might take that as an insult, but I wouldn't completely eliminate the comfort foods as those are her way of coping for now, and if she doesn't have them she may struggle to deal with her emotions.

I've read a couple of good books, on how to deal with emotional eating, I am always recommending them. Fat is a Feminist Issue, by Susie Orbach, goes into a lot of detail about emotional eating and possible causes and approaches, but it is quite heavy going. She also wrote a smaller book called Susie Orbach on Eating, which I found very useful, but not sure how useful it would be to an "onlooker" rather than the person with the problem iyswim. Geneen Roth has also written some good books.

I've found the best approach to deal with emotional eating is to eat mindfully, checking that I'm physically hungry and reminding myself that food cannot help with anything other than physical hunger. I still struggle with it sometimes. But I'm not sure how you could persuade someone else to do that.

I hope that you can get to the root of your daughter's eating, it sounds like on some level she is very unhappy. You sound like an incredibly caring mother and I wish her lots of luck with her interviews

unconditional love . regardless of her weight.

My advice as someone who identifies with your daughter (not for medicine, but like her, I was intelligent, put a great deal of pressure on myself, and was generally high-achieving...) is DON'T make it about the weight. I know that must seem like the most counterintuitive bullshit you've ever heard, but from my perspective, because of the bizarre status of weight in our society, we have no way to discuss weight without making it 'you are gross and unloveable and MUST change yourself.'

You should tackle what you think is causing the weight gain. I say this as someone who binge ate and still does under times of stress. To be frank, my binge-eating has got much worse since I started uni, because I go to one of the Oxbridge colleges so it's basically just been stress-stress-stress, and I know from looking at my friends that medical school is (duh!) no joke. So it could get worse if you don't tackle it - perhaps not for medical school interviews (though I think, even if the academics won't judge, you might want be concerned about her confidence? Those interviews require it, after all), but definitely for her life if when she gets in.

Obviously it's not healthy and you're concerned about her! Of course you are. But for me, I think it's important for you, as her mum, to tackle the problem in a way that shows you just don't think she's a hunking pile of useless, ugly flab. I think once you frame it in the context of what you think/know is bothering her, she'll come to appreciate that you see her as a complicated person and are not just doing the mum thing of freaking out over superficial matters, which could heighten her self-loathing and lead to her pulling away from you.

You've already had lots of advice but thought I would chip in too!

I had my medical school interviews when I was a size 20 and my weight wasn't an issue, or mentioned, or even on their radar as far as I know. I stayed overweight during my training and during my junior doctor years and I don't think it made a difference throughout my training.

I would be more concerned with her obesity if she's eating for comfort, or to combat stress. Medicine is incredibly stressful and although they're not working the 72h+ weekend shifts my colleagues and I had to cope with, there are newer stresses to work through and it doesn't get easier. Alcohol and drugs are easy to get hold of at medical school and I know more than a few people who turned to alcohol to help with stress when chocolate wasn't cutting it.

Talk to her about her weight and work on some diet and fitness strategies - but more importantly talk to her about how she copes with stress and anxiety (that was one of the questions I was asked at interview) and what her coping strategies are when life is getting her down, or when she feels things are getting away from her. She may need to find some better coping strategies than baking.

I know I bang on about it a lot, but taking up a martial art will work for her weight and fitness, self esteem, coping with stress and help her get through medicine. Especially if she can find one that combines the fitness element with a meditative one.

Eating can be a form of procrastination and stress relief while studying. It's a bad habit I have - every time I got to a hard bit I'd step away from my desk and eat something. Excuse for a break. Avoidance and reward.

Couple that with less time to exercise and exams mean putting on weight.

Some suggestions: more snacks. Things like crackers/carrot sticks/melon. If the habit is there, let it be filled with low calorie options.

If she can study using podcasts, a podcast while walking is brilliant for memorising things and getting out.

Studying in small blocks. Use a timer. 15-45 minutes then a break with a walk or physical activity (even chores).

Regular scheduled exercise or incidental exercise (walk to school, walk the dog).

OP, your daughter is lucky to have such an aware mum.
Sorry I don't have any advice but you seem awesome, I hope it gets worked out.

www.womenyoushouldknow.net/talk-daughter-body/

I agree that your dd is using food as a coping strategy and she should try counselling to find healthier ways to manage the pressures and stresses in her life.

Your daughter sounds very like my brother. He is sadly a very obese adult and my Mum fears terribly about whether he will ever successfully lose the weight. Parents used to call it puppy fat and said he'd grow out of it. He has yo-yoed a bit but not successfully stayed at a healthy weight so far.

I think its a mindset thing. For my brother, he just has massive portions and I don't think he listens to his body, eg. am I actually hungry or do I just want this. I try not to eat in front of the TV, if I'm that bothered I eat at the table and if I can't be bothered to sit at the table I'm obviously not really hungry, soon helps me decide..! I've been a little overweight before and I felt so rubbish and unhappy that it's quite a big motivation to avoid significant overeating.

Re interviews, I work in the NHS and quite often at interview, for clinical posts or otherwise, people get asked 'what are the biggest problems in the NHS right now' and obesity is a big one. I would wonder how your daughter would feel if she was asked that question and knew that was part of the answer they wanted. I don't think it would do her self esteem good because, as someone else said re hidden bowls, she knows she shouldn't be eating as much as she is and so is probably very aware about her creeping weight. But she needs to confront this.

Sometimes, things need tackling head on. Does she really know the health implications of carrying a few extra lbs, or does she think the few she is carrying don't really matter? My Mum has always tried to do things the nice way with my brother. How do you feel, can I help, maybe we should do this, lets do this together. The result is he has never lost any serious weight, he has anxiety, depression, self harms and I genuinely thought was going to commit suicide a few months ago. He needed a bigger intervention sooner, and I think you need to bear in mind that if softly softly doesn't work, you might need to be firmer because softly softly doesn't work for everyone, if only it did.

I regularly binge ate, especially when stressed, for years. That all stopped only a few months ago when I was diagnosed with a wheat intolerance. If I avoid eating wheat, I have no problem, but should I eat anything containing wheat I either get ravenously hungry and eat loads, or I will just continuously keep eating regardless of whether I feel hungry or not. As it sounds like your daughter is possibly eating lots of wheat products, you might want to consider this.

Can I just suggest that if / when you take her shopping, you think about which shops to go to first. I am overweight (late diagnosis of PCOS) and I would often binge and feel ashamed. Turn out PCOS effects your weight and how you deal with sugar. My mum used to try and make me feel better by making it that I could look nice, so we went shopping. A few times though, we would go to shops that just didn't stock things that would fit me. Going into a shop where nothing was an option for me always reinforced exactly how disgusting I was, which spiralled into feeling too horrible to go out / staying in and eating more etc.

I think you have to say something OP, but do it gently.

my goodness this we me during this time. I found it so stressful I gained lots of weight. I used to make mug cakes after parents had gone to bed, bake things in secret then eat them in my room. I was unhappy but couldn't stop. honestly it took me years to be able to eat any food in front of other people as I always worried they would think I'm a fat pig.

Luckily I ended up with a super supportive boyfriend who didn't care about my weight but became a huge emotional support. mum never mentioned it and thank god she didn't as I would have died (and the ate more).

I think taking her shopping to buy a small capsule wardrobe in her bigger size is a great start for her confidence. She may need new bras and underwear too if she gone up in size. Perhaps even a new haircut and some make up. Shoes and bags are great as they don't change with your size

I decided to go to slimming class one day and didn't tell anyone and then joined a gym out of the blue. I just decided enough is enough but importantly i did it myself.

Perhaps cake snacks that are lower in calories in the house. I love chocolate porridge (cocoa) added as though still calorific it's healthy than mug cake

It sounds as though your daughter is a compulsive eater and is using food as a way to cope with stress and pressure, as lots of people do. Self-sabotaging with food is also common when people feed under pressure to be perfect high-achievers

In your place I would be worried about whether the pressure of med school will be healthy for her. I would suggest you try and explore her feelings with her on the basis that she is obviously unhappy and seems to be using food in a way that isn't making her happy or healthy. Book some counselling for her and if she wants to get control of her eating maybe also try introducing her to something like Slimming World where there will be support for her from other people struggling with the same things.