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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Working weekends - WIBU here?

34 replies

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 12/11/2015 09:32

Dh and I have 4dc and although I have had part time jobs in the past I have mostly been the SAHP since we have had dcs. DH has worked full time and always managed even working various jobs for a time when he was made redundant. He has always provided for us and I am grateful that he works hard.
Until recently we have not had a big wage coming in and have struggled financially. (Not helped by getting into debt but that is now being sorted.)
So six months ago I managed to get a part time job in a supermarket working weekends as we have no family to help with the dc and they are not old enough to be left for long periods. The extra money has made a massive difference to us as a family but over the last few weekends dh has been starting to get resentful of me "being out all weekend" making it sound like I am choosing to go out and enjoy myself at his expense. I do like my job and enjoy being with the other people on the team. But I am working to help us as a family. The problem is (to me) that DH resents having to look after the dc all weekend and to be fair I get some time to myself during the week when the dc are at school.
Our last conversation got a little heated because there is a staff christmas meal on Sunday evening and I said I was going. Which meant dh having another moan about looking after the dc all day on his own and not seeing me at all. I did point out that I did the same for him last week and have done similar in the past on lots of occasions.
Dh solution is for me to drop one of my weekend shifts as he has just got a payrise. Tbh I feel quite annoyed, I miss doing family stuff at weekend, I would love to work during the week but can't (unless we moved to near my family which dh won't entertain) and I am not sure what the answer is. The last job I had did not affect dh in any way because it was a term time mornings only job. So I still did everything I usually do and worked twenty hours a week too.
Please tell me is dh being unreasonable or am I? Should I forgo the sunday evening do bearing in mind I rarely go out on any evening for any reason apart from work?

OP posts:

Cockbollocks · 12/11/2015 09:38

YAB 'a little' U.

I can see both sides, however I think if working both days is not entirely necessary then you should give up one shift. Can you swop one for a few hours in the week?

I do have experience of this as I worked weekends for a year and it was tough. Family time is important and to be fair to your husband he has no time to do anything he would like now.

Still go to your christmas do though.

Cockbollocks · 12/11/2015 09:39

I meant to say I swopped my Sunday for a shift that fell inside school hours as we have no childcare either. If you have proved to be a good employee they will probably want to keep you.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 09:40

Having been in a situation where DP and I went eight months working opposing shifts, I see where your DH is coming from 100%. We were like ships in the night, we had one evening together a week and that was it. I was up for work at 5am, got home just after midday, and he left at midday and got home at gone 9pm when I was heading to bed. It was miserable and I would never go back to that unless we had no choice financially.

Is it possible to do an evening shift during the week instead of working all weekend? So work say, Thursday-Saturday and have Sunday off completely as a family day with DH and the kids? I don't know what your DH's hours are but I think I would explore that option if it's possible.

You should absolutely go to your work meal, don't let your DH guilt you into missing it, but perhaps changing your hours would be something to consider in the long-term. I don't think seeing each other that little is really sustainable long-term. Sorry.

Original poster

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 12/11/2015 09:47

I appreciate your replies. I do understand what dh is saying. I've been there for six months so I don't know if they will let me drop some hours. I'll have to find out.
I have done the odd shift during school hours but I can't commit because we have no one to help in school holidays.

Dh works Mon to Fri 7-5pm.

OP posts:

StealthPolarBear · 12/11/2015 09:50

Can he drop one day during the week?

Original poster

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 12/11/2015 09:52

He can't drop one day Stealth - he earns three times the amount per hour I do so it would be crazy for me to work and not him.

OP posts:

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 09:53

If he's home by 5pm can you not work on a weekday evening instead? I assume you work in retail or a pub or similar?

I know the hours aren't ideal but you could work 6-11 or something? I really don't think working the hours you do while your DH works weekdays is sustainable (speaking from experience).

Like I said, DP and I were in a similar situation and we both ended up miserable. We have no DC so we had plenty of time to ourselves but we never saw each other. He's coming home from a long week at work and knowing he's not going to see you all weekend and will have to do all the childcare (and therefore get NO time to himself). No wonder he's resentful.

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 10:08

I see both sides. I really don't think you should not go to the Christmas do.

However, I worked Monday to Friday when dd was small. Dh worked 5 days but he worked Saturday and Sunday so hot 2 days off during the week.

That meant he got 1 or 2 days a week at home while dd was at school. But we got very little family time and I never got anytime to do something without dd.

It did piss me off. He did housework on his days off but also got time to do something for him. I never got that and I missed doing things all together.

Can you do some evenings? Or at least do evenings some weeks and weekends other weeks?

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 10:16

Also it's not about being resentful about looking after the kids.

But I do get where you are coming from.

Realistically you working everyday between you can't go on forever, can it?

You can't have no family time ever again. You will regret it when the kids are older.

It's a shame he can't give a day up or change his hours a bit.

MyNewBearTotoro · 12/11/2015 10:37

You should definitely go to your Christmas meal, that's non- negotiable.

However I can see where your DP is coming from if he works 5 days a week and has the children on his own on the weekend. If your children were pre-school age I would say tough as you have the DC all week and then work all weekend so neither of you have any respite but it sounds like they are all at school? So presumably you are getting some down time?

I think it would be reasonable to drop a shift if you don't need the money so there is a chance for family time, or ask if you can swap a weekend shift for a mid-week one?

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 10:38

But I think some of it IS about being resentful. If I was working five days a week and doing 100% of childcare etc. on my days off, whereas my OH had time off during the week and chose to work during my only time at home, I would feel resentful too.

I think it's only natural to need time to do your own thing, and it sounds like OP's DH isn't getting that.

maras2 · 12/11/2015 10:46

When our kids were small,I worked evenings and weekends and was glad to be able to contribute to the family budget.DH was also quite happy to look after our kids to enable me to contribute to the family budget.Needs must and we didn't want to ask parents to give up their own time off when DH was quite capable.

Bimblywibble · 12/11/2015 11:02

You should do the sunday evening christmas thing.

But you do need to find a way to ensure he gets some downtime too, and his solution sounds like a reasonable idea. It would also give you both some family time. Or could you drop one weekend day but pick up an extra evening or morning shift?

Leelu6 · 12/11/2015 11:26

OP, perhaps you could ask the supermarket about doing part time on weekdays during school term and doing weekends during school holidays?

neepsandtatties · 12/11/2015 11:32

I think YABU (other than the Christmas party - you should go to that).

Everyone needs some down time, so if your DH is willing to 'pay' for that (either through his payrise or by forgoing some luxuries) it obviously means a lot to him. Are there any holiday clubs you could use if you worked weekdays?

Potatoface2 · 12/11/2015 11:52

Never happy men....They are his kids too....If he can't look after them for a few hours when u are at WORK there's something wrong with him....It would be a different matter if you were out enjoying yourself but you aren't!

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 12:05

Did you miss the fact that OP said her DH gets no down-time because of this? Whereas she gets down-time during the week while they're at school? I think most adults with a partner would be resentful of having no time to themselves over a long period of time.

It's nothing to do with the OP working, it's the fact that her hours means they never get family time and her DH never gets time to himself? Yes, they're his kids and he should be looking after them, but this kind of thing is not sustainable long-term. The resentment will build and build.

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 12:15

But I think some of it IS about being resentful.

Yes, but not being resentful because you are looking after your own kids.

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 12:19

I don't think that is why he's resentful, tbh. I think he's resentful because he gets no time to himself, whereas his wife does. He comes home from a busy week, knowing his wife has had a break while the kids are at school, and that he's not going to get that.

I also think if OP was there to share the load over the weekend, he could have a few hours alone, they could have time all together and he could still have time with his DC.

PenelopePitstops · 12/11/2015 12:19

I see his point, he works or looks after the kids which leaves him with no adult time to do what he wants. Whereas you have this time every day during school hours.

Try swapping one of your shifts for a week day?

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/11/2015 12:20

"Dh solution is for me to drop one of my weekend shifts as he has just got a payrise. Tbh I feel quite annoyed, I miss doing family stuff at weekend, I would love to work during the week but can't (unless we moved to near my family which dh won't entertain) and I am not sure what the answer is. The last job I had did not affect dh in any way because it was a term time mornings only job. So I still did everything I usually do and worked twenty hours a week too. "
My bolding, of phrases that leapt out at me. So he veto'ed the potential solution of family help (are his family any help?). Is his objection legitimate?

I get that not seeing much of each other isn't great, but is his objection 'not seeing you' or 'having to look after his own kids'?

WickedWax · 12/11/2015 12:26

You absolutely have to go out on your Christmas do on Sunday, that's not negotiable.

BUT I can see where your DH is coming from and think you should explore your options - either dropping the occasional weekend shift or swapping it if possible to during the week when your children are at school.

shutupanddance · 12/11/2015 12:32

We had pretty much same set up incuding number of dcs. I used to work the early shift so back by 12.30 but I used to be so tired I'd fall asleep, dh hated it, gave up when he got a payrise. I can see both sides.

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 12:35

bunny the op said The problem is (to me) that DH resents having to look after the dc all weekend

A couple of posters have also mentioned that he should be happy to look after his own kids.

I am saying he probably is and it's not resenting the kids. It's resenting the lack of free time. As I did.

redskybynight · 12/11/2015 12:40

I'd be frustrated if I worked all week, did childcare all weekend and never saw my partner. And even more so, if I know my partner had a fair bit of time to do things for themselves.

I agree with others that the Christmas party is a 1 off and not negotiable, but I think you (as in both of you) need to consider your working patterns. Could you not drop a weekend shift and perhaps pick up a weekday shift or evening shift instead?

I also think you ought to work out whether paying for some childcare is a good idea - with 4 DC this might be an au pair for example. It's pretty limiting to say you can't work in the days because you couldn't cover the holidays. If you only worked 1 or 2 days a week, you would have a limited number of holiday days to cover as DH could cover some.

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