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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Working weekends - WIBU here?

34 replies

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 12/11/2015 09:32

Dh and I have 4dc and although I have had part time jobs in the past I have mostly been the SAHP since we have had dcs. DH has worked full time and always managed even working various jobs for a time when he was made redundant. He has always provided for us and I am grateful that he works hard.
Until recently we have not had a big wage coming in and have struggled financially. (Not helped by getting into debt but that is now being sorted.)
So six months ago I managed to get a part time job in a supermarket working weekends as we have no family to help with the dc and they are not old enough to be left for long periods. The extra money has made a massive difference to us as a family but over the last few weekends dh has been starting to get resentful of me "being out all weekend" making it sound like I am choosing to go out and enjoy myself at his expense. I do like my job and enjoy being with the other people on the team. But I am working to help us as a family. The problem is (to me) that DH resents having to look after the dc all weekend and to be fair I get some time to myself during the week when the dc are at school.
Our last conversation got a little heated because there is a staff christmas meal on Sunday evening and I said I was going. Which meant dh having another moan about looking after the dc all day on his own and not seeing me at all. I did point out that I did the same for him last week and have done similar in the past on lots of occasions.
Dh solution is for me to drop one of my weekend shifts as he has just got a payrise. Tbh I feel quite annoyed, I miss doing family stuff at weekend, I would love to work during the week but can't (unless we moved to near my family which dh won't entertain) and I am not sure what the answer is. The last job I had did not affect dh in any way because it was a term time mornings only job. So I still did everything I usually do and worked twenty hours a week too.
Please tell me is dh being unreasonable or am I? Should I forgo the sunday evening do bearing in mind I rarely go out on any evening for any reason apart from work?

OP posts:
DivaDroid · 12/11/2015 12:43

I totally understand both of you. I work PT in a supermarket too. I work 6pm-10pm on 3 week nights & 3pm-10pm on a Sunday (time and a half on Sunday's!)
My DH earns 3.5x more than me & works mon-fri leaving 745am, getting home just after 5pm. Saturday's are our family day - I almost never work Saturdays, only a couple in the run up to Christmas.
Could evening shifts work for you during the week as well as one of your weekend shifts?
Talk to your line manager - they won't want to lose a good employee Smile

TheBunnyOfDoom · 12/11/2015 12:45

I am saying he probably is and it's not resenting the kids. It's resenting the lack of free time. As I did.

Ah, I misunderstood, sorry!

MicronesiaIsMyHome · 12/11/2015 13:51

I think you are right in that he is needing some down time and as we are nc with his family and my family are 100 miles away we manage the dcs between ourselves.

I have been investigating childcare options and I've found an after school club which has some vacancies. But first I am going to talk to my line manager at work about dropping the saturday shift as this seems to best day to have together and seeing if there are any evening hours available.
Thank you everyone who posted.

OP posts:
OutToGetYou · 12/11/2015 14:22

This time the OP gets to herself......this is after ensuring dc get to school, being available and doing pick ups, being there in case the school phones, being there if one is ill, all the housework, shopping, cooking.....can't overestimate all that with 4 dc.

I think it's a shame the adults don't see much if each other (well, every weekday evening from about 6pm apparently doesn't count?) But the OP has a right to a life too and if she enjoys the job and finds it fulfilling then I think she should persue it.

It's unsupportive of him to suggest she stops or reduces it. She can't do weekdays due to kids and the holidays, and the illness days (might be out of line here, but doubt the DH will come home from work to pick up an ill child).

And of course they can't put the kids in a holiday club so she can work weekdays, there's no way her earnings would make it worthwhile (sorry OP).

But they do need to work together to resolve it.

They both get paid annual leave and they need to plan and make judicious use of this for the next year or so, until the dc are a bit older and a bit more self-sufficiant.

It's not fair for men to insist that women remain at home and continually erode their independence and ability to support themselves.

Enjolrass · 12/11/2015 14:25

It's not fair for men to insist that women remain at home and continually erode their independence and ability to support themselves.

That's not what this is about.

There is no suggestion the dh is trying to erode her.

Also I have kids and work from home and still manage to get sometime to myself while the kids are at school.

The OP also stated in her OP that she does get time to herself.

shutupanddance · 12/11/2015 14:28

Your plan sounds like a good one, I wish I'd stuck it out and changed hours.

Babyroobs · 12/11/2015 14:28

We are in a similar situation with 4 dc's although I do get some weekends off. My dh has been looking after the 4 dc's for 16 years now and isn't in good health and I'm sure he has struggled although never showed any resentment. I think he just accepts that we both have to earn to keep our family afloat and the only way to avoid large childcare costs is to work opposite each other.

WoodHeaven · 12/11/2015 14:38

Not knowing the OP's DH, it could be that he is resentful to be in his own at weekends and not be able to see the OP.
It could also be that he finds looking after 4dcs quite hard work and resent the fact he has to do it even though they don't need the money anymore.
I'm guessing that in reality it's a mix of both, with o ever a bit lure prominent than the other depending on what is important for him.

What I DO get though is that you treally enjoy working and that actually you might well be ressentful not being able to work again.
And that being deoendant on just one wage can be problematic. The problem is, of course, that if you stop working again, one you are loosing a source of income and two, you might find it very hard to find something again if you do need to work again.

In effect, I think HIBU to be grumpy and upset and name it all your responsibility for daring going to work.
This is a family issue, one that affect all the eoe on the house and one where the needs of everyone need to be taken I to account. Both the fact he wanta to see you more and not look after the dcs on his own every weekend. And the fact you enjoy working. And that it makes financial sense for you to work (I'm thinking risk of him been out if work, more spare cash but also your pension etc).
You will need to have a frank discussion about it.

WoodHeaven · 12/11/2015 14:40

X post.

I would have never gone that route and find a solution that works for him on my own.
This should have been a family issue discussed together and a possible solution worked out together.

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