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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Take dds out of school and live in a foreign country/school for a month?

42 replies

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 01:15

Just that really! I live abroad and have spent last 10 years as the "traveling spouse" and having babies. We have lived in 3 countries and 5 cities in last 10 years. We are settled now in new city. Have been here 1 year. And will probably be here for a further 3. All traveling has been done on DH's home turf and with his job. I have hit a wall. I feel alienated, very tired and, even though I am loath to admit it, probably lonely.
I would like to take the 3 dds and live away from here for one month. I could go home and put them in a rural school. Or I could anywhere. Children are 8, 7 and 4. Like and love DH so will def come back. Just feel that they are still young enough to take out of school without terrible consequences. AIBU?

OP posts:

AndNowItsSeven · 12/11/2015 01:18

It's a bit odd to want to leave your dh for a month. Also to takes the dc away from their father for no good reason.

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 01:23

I forgot to say ANDNOW that DH travels a lot. Typically he will be away minimum two days a week. Often more, sometimes less.

OP posts:

TheHouseOnTheLane · 12/11/2015 01:32

YANBU. Mine are 11 and 7 and have currently been out of school and in a foreign country for two months. They're starting school in January.

No harm done...only great times had.

VimFuego101 · 12/11/2015 01:34

I don't blame you for wanting a break. Would you be able to keep their school places open?

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 01:52

Thank you HOUSE, good to know.
Yes VIM they would.

OP posts:

Mmmmcake123 · 12/11/2015 02:05

I would ask your dc what they want given the options

TheNewStatesman · 12/11/2015 02:16

I agree--what do you kids think? Would they be comfortable with this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/11/2015 02:23

Our friends kids regularly go and spend a couple of months in school in her home country, Japan. Seems to do them no harm and has lots of benefits.

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 02:34

The children seem to quite like the idea but reality may be different! I am dying to "get out" for a while. I cannot help thinking that 1 month is not such a huge amount of time in the context of a year/life!!

OP posts:

Lillipuddlian · 12/11/2015 02:51

We are considering doing this, but for six months. Canadians, dual Uk citizenship. Once fourth baby arrives, will head to Wales, England or France for a few months. Will homeschool eldest who is only one legally required to be in school. You only live once, children are resilient. Good luck!

Want2bSupermum · 12/11/2015 02:54

I am the first to empathize and I am so lucky that I am happy, working and having babies here while DH goes about his work. It's incredibly hard being in your position.

Having said that, I would consider who this trip will be benefiting. From what you are saying you are the one who needs some home time. I don't think there is anything wrong with taking the kids off home for a month but I would try my best to limit the disruption to school. We have family in Canada, UK and Denmark so it gets tight. DH and I split weeks and take the kids back whenever we can. As an example, DH is going back to Denmark on Saturday night, returning Thursday. Dd is going with him and will miss 4 days of school. DS is staying back as he has therapy sessions that we don't want him to miss. We also try to get as much travel in over their holidays.

It's hard to have balance but I would be wary of my kids missing a whole month of school. Dd is a July baby and I have her in an educational camp over the summer when we are not travelling because I'm neurotic about her falling behind during the summer. Here in the Us the 'no child left behind' policy keeps kids back if they don't make the grade. Being young for her year puts her at a disadvantage.

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 03:02

WANT the trip would be benefiting me and would be for me. The dds are fine and dandy, enjoying their lives, and DH has a great job that he loves. I am the one who needs to breath a bit, step out for a moment.
I agree about school. However, their education would not stop, it would just be different.

OP posts:

Want2bSupermum · 12/11/2015 03:09

Bless you. One thing to think about is that if your DC are at an intl school they might have ex teachers who can tutor your DC while they are in school. I totally hear you on needing to go home but I would be wary of pulling them out for a month.

Also, how disruptive would it be to take a break over the Christmas holidays. If you leave before dec 15th and return after jan 15th the flights are normally cheaper. Here at least, that would mean only 2 weeks of school missed, both weeks where little is covered anyway.

Bacontastic · 12/11/2015 03:37

sounds fantastic. I am actually doing similar with my Ds (primary age) as too in January. Staying with his grandfather (my home) and getting to know his roots properly after so much life "on the road" is really important IMHO.

I'm home schooling him to bridge 2 curriculums for about 6 months anyway, so we'll have no educational disruption except him missing football club.

Also going to his father's family (not British) for a long Christmas to brush up on his bilingualism. Travel brings enormous opportunities for kids of this age....including travel home when they live overseas. Our kids are so lucky to see the world like this.

I say do it!!!! Check with school the subject matter gap and ensure you cover it so they don't get left behind (way easier than it sounds at this age).

Also....last year I went away for 2 weeks solo! I'd never spent a single night away from my son in over 6 years (cosleeping gone nuts) had been working like a dog and was utterly over it. I needed time out! I was really nervous, but dh and ds both knew I had to have a break.

I missed them loads, but I don't think they missed me quite so much....I was grumpy and sad before ivwent because I was misearable. Not after my holiday

All parts of the family are important to keep it running...and that most definitely includes you

Flowerpower41 · 12/11/2015 03:39

Why not take them away for six weeks during the school holidays over the summer, or for a month? That way it won't compromise their education.

Also you are sending out the wrong message vis a vis school if you miss that long. I doubt the education system would approve.

madwomanbackintheattic · 12/11/2015 04:01

Well, in all honesty, the eldest two have only done one year in this school, right? Is this your 8yo's second or third setting? At these ages none of it is really critical, however we have always tried to do our traveling in the holidays. (Dd1 is in her 8th or 9th setting, lost count). It sounds as though the idea is based on your own sense of wanderlust/ not settling, rather than any specific rational decision. Most trailing spouses do get itchy feet after being in one place for a while, but it doesn't usually kick in after 12 mos...

I would make plans for next summer - depending on where you are in the world, you should be able to plan an 8 week trip without interfering in schooling. In the meantime, concentrate on working out how you can make the most of your current location.

Can you explain how living in a different place for a month, but still schlepping the kids to and from school, being a single parent would give you what you are looking for? (Unless it is visiting 'home', where friends and family would obviously be the pull).

I did one trip like this, back to the UK, in the summer, but it was before the kids were in school. This summer, we stuck all three on a plane and sent them to grandma's for a month.

I don't see anything wrong with it per se - but I would only do it in the summer, and I would be considering exactly what the aims of the trip are. For me, being stuck somewhere 'new' with kids in school and no dh, and no one I know, would be pointless. I would want to either have the freedom to explore with the kids or dh...

But can you pinpoint exactly why you feel the need to do this? If you are feeling the need to flee at the 12 mo point, I would worry about the next three years?

TheHouseOnTheLane · 12/11/2015 04:14

It really isn't a big deal. My DD is 11 and she wasn't phased when I suggested this way of doing things. The reason mine aren't in school is that we've just emigrated and the house we're going to be settling in, isn't ready until the end of the month.

So I didn't want them to go to school for a couple of months only to have to change again and re-settle in their "real" school.

Children thrive on new experiences and it's been good for them.

GreenSand · 12/11/2015 04:26

Well, I'm taking the kids back to the UK for Christmas with my parents, and leaving DH here on his own, with his blessing. I will also be going back to the UK for most of the summer hols, as I don't see the point of us all suffering high 40C temperatures.

If possible, I'd go when there is a break at school, and extend the holidays. Then you don't need to mess about with schools, and you get a proper break.

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 04:44

MAD - wanderlust? We have been wandering for the past eight years! Believe me, I am well and truly over it??,!
H is on call 24/7. He leaves at the drop of a hat and we never know when or for how long.
I feel a strong need to reconnect with myself, my roots. I would love to hang around people who know me! Not feel like that weird woman in the corner who has nothing to say!
Bacon - thank you!
The house - good luck and yes!

OP posts:

justonemorethread · 12/11/2015 04:52

Hi op, I'm an expat, trailing spouse about to have 3rd dc ans going home for birth.
I wanted to take other dcs with me and put them in UK school but dh vetoed completely as he thinks it is too disruptive for them.

I'm with you, and totally empathise with you on feeling the need to do it. Its almost an instinctive irresistible call, and I am sure your children will benefit.
So no, yanbu!!! Good for you if dh agrees and go for it( except one month almost seems too short!)

Original poster

Harriedharriet · 12/11/2015 05:02

Good luck JUST. Enjoy the little one...your DH might change his mind?!

OP posts:

Bumshkawahwah · 12/11/2015 05:09

I'm another trailing spouse and I absolutely have to get back to the UK every so often or I'd go mad...even though I do like my life, moving around etc. As someone else asked, do you not go home in the summer at all?

justonemorethread · 12/11/2015 05:10

No chance. Already all arranged! I have to leave dcs here and fly out at 34 wks. But this is def my last posting, can't do it anymore, already planning an early escape once we come to the end of the contract. I especially don't enjoy posting life with small babies, ( so why am I doing it again, begs thequestion!!!)

TheHouseOnTheLane · 12/11/2015 06:20

Green where do you stay when you do that? I'd like to do it maybe next year but my Mum's house is so small...

FishWithABicycle · 12/11/2015 06:47

Sounds like a splendid plan but have you checked with the current school that they would hold the kids' places for them while you are away? I realise you aren't in the UK but in a UK school if you did this the chances are you would return to find the school places had been filled with other people and the only places now available would be in a terrible school that no one wants to attend. Obviously this may not be an issue depending how the school places system works where you are.

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