AIBU and a spoilt bitch about Xmas present?

[IcecreamBus]

I just want to start off saying that while my DH is lovely in every other respect, every single Christmas apart from last, he's suggested either not buying for each other or getting us both a joint present that we could do with. (Last year he only got me something for me because I moaned about feeling unappreciated.)

To put it in context, I've had a day where I felt low. I'm a SAHM by choice, but sometimes - like today - where the weather is poop and it's hard to get out and do anything fun, it's easy to start bemoaning my life and feeling like all I do is cook, clean and look after everyone else. I have one or two friends. We moved halfway across the country a couple of years ago, so all my close friends and family are miles away, so most of the time I feel pretty isolated too, all of which I know is contributing to me feeling a bit poop and possibly overreacting.

Anyway, to get back to the point, tonight DH asked whether we should get ourselves some built-in wardrobes rather than presents this year. One the one hand, it would save me time and money thinking about what to get him, but on the other, I couldn't help but think oh thanks...so I'm going to be working my butt off making everyone else's day special (as well as the rest of the year) and you can't even buy me something just for me? It's not like I get ANY other gifts to look forward to. I could understand it when we were struggling financially and more than accepting.

Even though I know I'm being really ungrateful about it, I can't help but think a household purchase that we'd need to buy anyway is a bit like giving someone an iron for Christmas and expecting them to be happy...am I being a bitch?

[roundaboutthetown]

I don't blame your dh for wanting to avoid the whole surprise present thing - I loathe it unless I have a good idea and can get all excited about surprising the recipient with something I know they will like. I would rather no present than a present I don't need, am not ecstatic about and now have to find a place to store... However, YANBU to tell your dh that it is what you need at the moment in order to feel special. Personally, if I were getting a new fitted wardrobe, I would rather like a new top to put in it!

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

I've been a "temporary housewife" for the last two years, in a similar situation to you. Then again, I am desperately hoping for a new hoover for Christmas, so not quite on the same wave length, lol.

I don't think your issue is really presents though, it's about feeling appreciated. That's not really what Christmas gifts are for though? That's something that should be happening the rest of the year.

The thing is, appreciation works both ways. I know it's a fucking pain in the arse when you've been cleaning/tidying all day, and the first thing he does when he comes in is to throw things on the floor/pull things out of cupboard and not put them back/etc. It IS nice to get recognition that you are doing things and he should be doing that. However, in the same vein, do you ever thank him? I mean, it's pretty fucking shit having to wake up to an alarm, trek over to work, deal with colleagues in shitty moods, or have to deal with a really stressful project.

You are both pulling your weight in different ways, and the appreciation should be from both sides. But this is a totally separate issue which I think is latching onto Christmas as a crutch.

I personally think you need to sit down with your partner and say:

"I don't want wardrobes for Christmas. If you need to get wardrobes for the house, then let's save up and just get them as a household necessity. They would be, however, extremely rubbish and depressing Christmas presents. If we are going to do a joint present, why don't we do something that is actually fun and exciting, like a long weekend to Paris/a tour of the distilleries in Scotland/whatever".

Don't expect him to just "know" the perfect gift for you to make you feel appreciated.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think the main thing here is you just need to tell him you feel differently about XMas pressies than he does. People have a range of ideas and feelings about them but they are clearly an important token of love and respect for you. So just agree that whether or not you also get a wardrobe you will get each other some little thing to exchange on Christmas day. It can be nice when everyone get's each other something. I like to include our DC in that too. My DD gets sweet little things for everyone - often found in charity shops. But we're a sweet and funny little things family when it comes to pressies - that and there always has to be chocolate!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

DH is hopeless with presents because he didn't have presents other than clothes when he was growing up (rural North Africa so different culture). I either give him a list or we will organise a family day out as a joint present. Last year it was Hampton Court and ice skating and the year before a sporting event. I think I might get family theatre tickets this year.

Wardrobes are not a present, they are a functional necessity.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Ooh, I didn't know you could do ice-skating at Hampton Court Chaz - that's good to know I always like experiences (nice ones!) more than things personally

[hackmum]

It's quite sad that you don't get any other gifts, OP. Nothing from your kids? Or your mum and dad or siblings (assuming you have them)? Seems a bit miserable to me.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

YANBU, but I am not sure if xmas is the issue

sounds like you feel a bit hard worked and lonely, and that's the issue more than an Eve Lom facial or suchlike!

just tell the man!

alsi slow dsown, if you are overworked making xmas special that's just as much of a waste of time and money as buying gifts TBH

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel like this - and I completely agree that a wardrobe does not a Christmas present make! But personally, there are things I'd appreciate much more at Christmas than gifts.

I tend to do almost all of the organising too (my choice to do some things like wrapping TBH), but I would rather he gave me a hand, did some of the shopping, made some of the lists, did some of the cleaning etc. than buy me a gift. That would make me feel much more appreciated TBH. Honestly, it doesn't take a huge amount of effort to buy a gift & pop it in a gift bag - it can be done in 5 minutes with very minimal effort. Unless it's a gift with real thought behind it of course which is very different.

I get gifts (about £20 worth which is fine as a budget) but no help. And he always buys me a set with body lotion in despite us having been together for over 20 years & him knowing that my stupidly sensitive skin won't tolerate perfumed body lotion. I'm always grateful for the gifts given of course, but not having one wouldn't bother me if I felt appreciated in other ways IYSWIM.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Juggling
They have a temporary ice rink from mid Nov to early Jan.

[TendonQueen]

Like hackmum, I also wondered about you getting no other presents. Doesn't your DH get you birthday presents, or a small Valentine's day gift, or anything else? And even though you don't live near your family or old friends, surely they still get you presents? If not, then you've been unlucky to end up surrounded by a bunch of grinches.

I like goodness's paragraph above as a response to the wardrobe idea. They're not a present, they're a household upgrade. It is not excessive to want something for yourself at Christmas when that is the norm for everyone else. I also agree that you need to ask for more regular support and time/activities for yourself throughout the year.