AIBU and a spoilt bitch about Xmas present?

[IcecreamBus]

I just want to start off saying that while my DH is lovely in every other respect, every single Christmas apart from last, he's suggested either not buying for each other or getting us both a joint present that we could do with. (Last year he only got me something for me because I moaned about feeling unappreciated.)

To put it in context, I've had a day where I felt low. I'm a SAHM by choice, but sometimes - like today - where the weather is poop and it's hard to get out and do anything fun, it's easy to start bemoaning my life and feeling like all I do is cook, clean and look after everyone else. I have one or two friends. We moved halfway across the country a couple of years ago, so all my close friends and family are miles away, so most of the time I feel pretty isolated too, all of which I know is contributing to me feeling a bit poop and possibly overreacting.

Anyway, to get back to the point, tonight DH asked whether we should get ourselves some built-in wardrobes rather than presents this year. One the one hand, it would save me time and money thinking about what to get him, but on the other, I couldn't help but think oh thanks...so I'm going to be working my butt off making everyone else's day special (as well as the rest of the year) and you can't even buy me something just for me? It's not like I get ANY other gifts to look forward to. I could understand it when we were struggling financially and more than accepting.

Even though I know I'm being really ungrateful about it, I can't help but think a household purchase that we'd need to buy anyway is a bit like giving someone an iron for Christmas and expecting them to be happy...am I being a bitch?

[TendonQueen]

Like hackmum, I also wondered about you getting no other presents. Doesn't your DH get you birthday presents, or a small Valentine's day gift, or anything else? And even though you don't live near your family or old friends, surely they still get you presents? If not, then you've been unlucky to end up surrounded by a bunch of grinches.

I like goodness's paragraph above as a response to the wardrobe idea. They're not a present, they're a household upgrade. It is not excessive to want something for yourself at Christmas when that is the norm for everyone else. I also agree that you need to ask for more regular support and time/activities for yourself throughout the year.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Juggling
They have a temporary ice rink from mid Nov to early Jan.

[SantasLittleMonkeyButler]

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel like this - and I completely agree that a wardrobe does not a Christmas present make! But personally, there are things I'd appreciate much more at Christmas than gifts.

I tend to do almost all of the organising too (my choice to do some things like wrapping TBH), but I would rather he gave me a hand, did some of the shopping, made some of the lists, did some of the cleaning etc. than buy me a gift. That would make me feel much more appreciated TBH. Honestly, it doesn't take a huge amount of effort to buy a gift & pop it in a gift bag - it can be done in 5 minutes with very minimal effort. Unless it's a gift with real thought behind it of course which is very different.

I get gifts (about £20 worth which is fine as a budget) but no help. And he always buys me a set with body lotion in despite us having been together for over 20 years & him knowing that my stupidly sensitive skin won't tolerate perfumed body lotion. I'm always grateful for the gifts given of course, but not having one wouldn't bother me if I felt appreciated in other ways IYSWIM.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

YANBU, but I am not sure if xmas is the issue

sounds like you feel a bit hard worked and lonely, and that's the issue more than an Eve Lom facial or suchlike!

just tell the man!

alsi slow dsown, if you are overworked making xmas special that's just as much of a waste of time and money as buying gifts TBH

[hackmum]

It's quite sad that you don't get any other gifts, OP. Nothing from your kids? Or your mum and dad or siblings (assuming you have them)? Seems a bit miserable to me.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

Ooh, I didn't know you could do ice-skating at Hampton Court Chaz - that's good to know I always like experiences (nice ones!) more than things personally

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

DH is hopeless with presents because he didn't have presents other than clothes when he was growing up (rural North Africa so different culture). I either give him a list or we will organise a family day out as a joint present. Last year it was Hampton Court and ice skating and the year before a sporting event. I think I might get family theatre tickets this year.

Wardrobes are not a present, they are a functional necessity.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I think the main thing here is you just need to tell him you feel differently about XMas pressies than he does. People have a range of ideas and feelings about them but they are clearly an important token of love and respect for you. So just agree that whether or not you also get a wardrobe you will get each other some little thing to exchange on Christmas day. It can be nice when everyone get's each other something. I like to include our DC in that too. My DD gets sweet little things for everyone - often found in charity shops. But we're a sweet and funny little things family when it comes to pressies - that and there always has to be chocolate!

[goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal]

I've been a "temporary housewife" for the last two years, in a similar situation to you. Then again, I am desperately hoping for a new hoover for Christmas, so not quite on the same wave length, lol.

I don't think your issue is really presents though, it's about feeling appreciated. That's not really what Christmas gifts are for though? That's something that should be happening the rest of the year.

The thing is, appreciation works both ways. I know it's a fucking pain in the arse when you've been cleaning/tidying all day, and the first thing he does when he comes in is to throw things on the floor/pull things out of cupboard and not put them back/etc. It IS nice to get recognition that you are doing things and he should be doing that. However, in the same vein, do you ever thank him? I mean, it's pretty fucking shit having to wake up to an alarm, trek over to work, deal with colleagues in shitty moods, or have to deal with a really stressful project.

You are both pulling your weight in different ways, and the appreciation should be from both sides. But this is a totally separate issue which I think is latching onto Christmas as a crutch.

I personally think you need to sit down with your partner and say:

"I don't want wardrobes for Christmas. If you need to get wardrobes for the house, then let's save up and just get them as a household necessity. They would be, however, extremely rubbish and depressing Christmas presents. If we are going to do a joint present, why don't we do something that is actually fun and exciting, like a long weekend to Paris/a tour of the distilleries in Scotland/whatever".

Don't expect him to just "know" the perfect gift for you to make you feel appreciated.

[roundaboutthetown]

I don't blame your dh for wanting to avoid the whole surprise present thing - I loathe it unless I have a good idea and can get all excited about surprising the recipient with something I know they will like. I would rather no present than a present I don't need, am not ecstatic about and now have to find a place to store... However, YANBU to tell your dh that it is what you need at the moment in order to feel special. Personally, if I were getting a new fitted wardrobe, I would rather like a new top to put in it!

[BillBrysonsBeard]

I get it OP. Me and DP have been together 8 years and only bothered with presents at birthdays and Christmas for the first year together. Trying to impress each other!? It has felt really freeing and we've liked not having to do it! However since we had a baby, my mind has changed.. I want to start marking occasions, maybe subconsciously preparing for when DS is older and we do it for him. Also to feel a part of normal life! Everyone else seems to go out for a meal or get a gift for each other, breakfast in bed etc.. and it seems nice to break up the year with little treats like this. I've talked to him about it though as he's not a mind reader and he agreed! Just tell him, lay it out clearly for him. Men love to hear "everything is fine" and mostly won't question that!

[munkisocks]

Tbh I think YABU if you've always done it this way except for last year. How is he to know?

However YANBU that you should get something from him to show he appreciates you. BUT you need to tell him lol. Don't rely on him figuring it out. I never ask for anything for Xmas but since my dh insists, I put some money in his separate bank account from the joint and tell him to surprise me. He doesn't buy tat or last minute saves from petrol station thankfully I prefer buying for him though tbh.

[firesidechat]

I'm with you op.

Wardrobes are something you buy when you need them and when you can afford them. They are NOT a gift.

It's not materialistic to want something to open on Christmas day that has been thought about and taken some effort. Even a £2 gift is worth it's weight in gold if it's something you love.

Your husband's plans sound like a bit of a cope out. Just tell him that the wardrobes would be great, but something to unwrap would be lovely too. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

[contrary13]

YANBU. At all.

If it's any consolation, my dad is renowned in the family for having once gifted my mother a wheelbarrow at Christmas. This was before I was born, but DB1 remembers the argument raging that year. It's still brought up now as a thoughtless, not really for DM gift and she has spent years banging on about how gifts are meant to be for the person as an individual in their own right...

I turned 40 this year.

My mother... bought me a new shed. Which, yes; I am grateful for (the old one is literally falling apart). But this new shed is currently sitting in pieces on my patio, because I have literally no idea what, or even how to start putting it together (not to mention that I'm a lone parent who cannot afford to pay someone to put it together! Both DB1 and DB2 live at the opposite end of the country to me, otherwise I'd rope them in to help). I also loathe gardening. I'm not even sure what the old shed contains other than the DC's bikes and a deflated paddling pool which DS stopped using 8 years ago... Plus, when everyone else in the family turned 40, they were gifted things that were meaningful to them, or experiences which they'd always wanted to do (when DM turned 40, my DBs and I saved up to send her and DF to Paris for a weekend, for example).

At least built-in wardrobes are something that you could actually appreciate, but I do understand the wanting something that means you as an individual are appreciated. Even something small, something that hasn't cost anything at all like a letter telling you how much he appreciates you, to go alongside those wardrobes might help you to feel like you're important in your own right. Which, of course, you are.

[Bimblywibble]

I suggested similar to DH this year. He said no thanks, so we're not doing it.

I suggest you either say no or suggest doing that plus say a £20 limit splurge item.

Agree too that you shouldn't martyr yourself. I'm the main day to day cook so for us it's only logical that DH takes over on highdays and holidays. No better way of appreciating theother person'scontribution than walking the odd mile in their shoes.

[Anotherusername1]

My husband and I have expensive tastes in holidays so this year we have said that we are not going to go overboard with Christmas presents as we've already booked trips for Easter and May half term and want to go away in the summer holidays as well, but we will definitely get each other things to open on Christmas Day! The stocking idea sounds like a great one, I might suggest that to OH as well.

[scarlets]

I haven't read all the replies but I'd urge you not to be a domestic martyr on Christmas Day. Your OH needs to pull his weight, both on the day and in the run-up. The children can set and clear the table if they're old enough. Guests can bring a course, and help themselves to drinks etc etc. Don't do it all.

As for the presents- yes to the wardrobe (sounds great!) but yes also to a small surprise, maybe with a spending limit?

[HortonWho]

How about you make a Christmas family schedule for this year.... You include in it jobs you want him to do on weekends to the run up, so you're not doing everything yourself (like get decorations from loft, untangle lights, replace bulbs, out up tree, Hoover house after you put up tree...you still participate, but he leads & cleans up), include fun trips out as family, include him taking out all the kids shopping (and you have afternoon to relax), and announce since this year you're getting a practical gift, you're also doing a thoughtful gift with an X limit - 10? 20? - and you have to get each other something that has a meaning to you each. Give the kids pocket money so they can also buy you and your DH a present each. If they're old enough, they need to ideally choose together.

If it's the memories and feeling appreciated you want, you can orchestrate it with activities :-)

[Preciousxbane]

I am also a SAHM now but due to ill health and have a teenager so its easier as no tiddly people Though the health issues make it harder and DH has to assist with stuff.

We sometimes get each other bugger all and sometimes expensive gifts and it changes each year but by agreement. The thing DH does that I love is make me a Christmas card each year that is my favourite thing to receive, he also paints one for DS.

I'm quite hard to buy for and my fave present of all time was a Swiss army knife.

[TheLesserSpottedBee]

I am a SAHM and Dh and I have been married 16 years.

Dh buys me small stuff but it means a lot to me, one was a boot jack to take my wellies/walking boots off, a birdcage umbrella which I mentioned I wanted and another is always foot cream and he provides the foot rub that goes with it

It has now become a family thing where me, Ds1 12 and Ds2 9 lie in a row on the bed and he works his way through all 3 of us for foot rubs!

We wrap the children's presents together, we do all the food together. I always thank him for everything he does, he always thanks me for everything I do.

Years ago Boots did a sticker with their Christmas catalogue that said "I really wish someone noticed that I liked this" with a little arrow on and you stuck it in the catalogue.

Maybe your Dh struggles to think of gifts for you and so needs a little help.

[WyrdByrd]

Amazon wishlist is a good one - just make sure he looks at it in advance!!!

How about suggesting you get the wardrobes but each do the other a stocking of say half a dozen items of no more that a tenner each?

Would that work?

YANBU btw!

[HeteronormativeHaybales]

YANBU.
My dh is brilliant at pulling his weight but (was once) beyond rubbish at gifts. He dislikes celebrating his own birthday and isn't fussed about Christmas, and does not like getting gifts himself, so it's not out of selfishness, but for me thoughtful gifts are important, especially as I have no family, so it was very hurtful when he would stand there with nothing on birthdays, due simply to lack of thought. The final straw was one birthday when he presented me with a little box and inside it was a houshold implement as a joke present. I was so upset that I think he finally got it and he has been a lot better - with guidance from me - since then. In return, I sometimes give him his dearest wish by giving him nothing :) - although he had a big birthday recently and I felt it would be inappropriate to do nothing so I got him a first edition of a book from a field he's geeky about (and I think he was truly glad of a present for the first time ever).
he would also do the household-item thing, because that's what his mother always did (and wanted) as gifts. It took him a while to understand that I really hated it. (But he still insisted on having kitchen bins for one birthday).

On these kinds of threads there is often the message that if the dh pitches in appropriately gifts don't, or shouldn't, matter. Whiloe of course daily support and care is a lot more important than presents, I don't entirely agree - if a thoughtful gift is a) practically possible and b) important to someone, I think that importance should be honoured.

[Senpai]

Yeah, it's probably not about the gifts per say, but feeling like you're being taken for granted or unappreciated.

I work from home part time with DD, so also do the house stuff. I told DH I needed a day to sleep in, so he got up with DD, did all the dishes and prepped the coffee maker for me for when I got up. Basically my entire morning routine for me. Felt special and it didn't cost him a dime.

He also pitches in with holiday planning. He does all the cooking because I'm shit at it and helps wrap presents. I do the holiday card designs, but I personally enjoy it.

[IcecreamBus]

Fatmomma I love this. I used to make a point of acknowledging kind things he did for me all the time, and maybe it's changed somewhat lately to being all about 'poor me' in my mind because I miss my old lifestyle and my old friends. But then I traded that when DH got a great job here, meaning I didn't have to work or worry about anything. Though it was a massive upheaval and I'm still trying to make a life for myself here...so I get too wrapped up in how I don't have the familial support that my friends have, or close friendships, however much I try.

What you say is right, I know from experience that when I show appreciation and pull my finger out, it gets returned. I need to pull my head out of my bum!