to feel left out and hurt even if I sound about ten years old?

[winkywinkola]

I feel a bit shite really.

I have made some good friends at the school gate. At least I thought I had.

I walk three mornings a week with three other mums. We've socialised together and met up in the holidays with the dcs.

Last half term I found out they had all three met up and gone to LegoLand together with their dcs. Not a whisper of it to me. Two of them quite breezily mentioned it separately on our walks once this half term had started. I didn't say anything but I was hurt that I hadn't been part of it.

Another friend had a birthday lunch gathering very recently. It was one of those short cooking courses. Great fun. Apparently. I can't think why I wasn't invited. We see each other every week because our dcs do the same activity. And meet up some weekends especially when her dh is away with work.

I just saw her FB update at this cooking event. She said she'd just done with her mum and dad and one friend but in reality it was with six of her friends.

I feel a total twit for thinking these people really were friends of mine. And then I think I should just be shrugging it off but I've had them all round at mine for Bonfire Night, dinner, general socialising etc.

If I ask why then I will just get fudgy excuses won't I so zero point in asking.

Well, against the grain here, but you did ask....

I have had 3 dc go through school. I have got on really well with all sorts of other folk I've met through collecting them from school. However that does not mean I would then invite them to everything I do in my social life. I also have friends from all sorts of other places / parts of my life.

I don't get this idea that somehow if you are friends with someone, then the aren't allowed to do things without you. I just wouldn't have on my radar the idea that someone should invite me to a birthday lunch, because I walk up to school with them, and we've done some things together as families. It's odd.

I think some are missing the point. Of course no one should feel entitled to be invited anywhere.

However, if you're part of a group and that group meet without you - then it's natural that it would hurt.

I think in that situation you either ask them about it or distance yourself.

Sympathies OP. My DCs are now young adults but I can still remember the hurt of a similar type of thing. God this is a bit sad, it was a long time ago!

3 families, all our DCs got on well, as did both Mums and Dads. We used to have lots of playdates at each others, help each other out etc.

Every other month we would get together on a Sunday. All of us, our kids, and the 6 adults (mums and dads). We used to take it in turns. Sunday roast, kids playing together all day (wrecking the house!), non drivers having a glass or two of wine, lovely day for everybody. This went on at least for a year or two. Then it went a bit quiet, I asked whose turn it was as I had done it last time and got a bit fobbed off.

Then one day my DD came out of school saying to me "why don't we go to everyone's house anymore". One of the other girls had told her about the lovely time she had on Sunday at the other family's, the roast dinner, the running round in the garden, the fun etc.

So they'd gone ahead doing the Sunday thing - but without us. Just the two families. I was so hurt and still to this day have no idea why.

Sorry, that probably hasn't helped. I can only say nothing was quite the same again so can only advise you to distance yourself a bit. I never asked why with what happened to me. If someone does this what's the point in asking why, there is no reason good enough as far as I'm concerned.

I feel the OP's pain: it happened to me yesterday, and I am waaaay older than 10!

Similar thing, a woman I know well enough to have coffee with and to text and to know about life and times of dcs, dhs etc. Then a third party joins us, who says, "Oh, thank you, Mary, for the great party on Saturday." Well, fair enough, it could have been a dinner party. But then it transpires it was a big housewarming party. She had not breathed a word aobut it nor of course invited me. I am clearly the squarest and most unlikeable person in town

Fatmomma99

"I fucking stalked the mums on the playground. I always stood near them. I ear-wigged and joined in on their conversations. I was HELPFUL. I was perky. I laughed at their jokes. I said "oh, me too" a lot. "

Fucking hell. No you don't sound super sorted, you sound to me, unhinged!

"Break the clique" Jeez!

I totally understand why you feel shit, but my feeling is that it's ok to do different things with different people and it's ok for them to do that. If they didn't want to be friends with you or meet up or weekends or so on I could understand it, but that's not the case, they are meeting up doing stuff in their group and obviously have a slightly separate friendship with you. I have lots of friends who are colleagues, and they get together for dinner parties or go out to lunch without me all the time! Sometimes we get together and don't ask everyone (say three or four of us). The issue would be if I never ever got invited anywhere or someone was always left out of everything.

But honestly? I would cultivate individual friendships with these women rather than assuming you hang in a group (perhaps it's a convenient walking to school group, not a bff friendship group) and if those are good and you meet up and it's fun, then that's fine, and if they then go to Legoland with other friends, so be it.

We have a woman at school who gets very upset if she's not invited to things to the point that she openly asks. Regularly. The last time she did it to my curcle was when she saw a group had gone out, and posted the photos on Twitter. She had a proper meltdown about it, even when it was pointed out that of the 5 women there, two were sisters and two were cousins and it had never occurred to anyone that she should be invited. But she thought she should on the basis of regular play dates.
Needless to say she is avoided even more.

I have had this. I met a group of "friends" like this when i was pregnant and we all had our babies in the same month. I had a bad birth and suffered post partum psychosis.

One of the other mums called me night and day to fet support for her own ond which of course i was happy to support. She never told the others as she felt judged and I wouldn't dream of breaking her confidence. I was there for her ALOT. She then hosted a birthday party for her ds 1st birthday at an exclusive restaurant and invited everyone apart from us. Who knows maybe I was good enough to lean on in her hour of need but my black son not good enough at her poncy do.

I deleted her number that day. She has recently suffered a horrific tragedy and have tried to reconnect. I dont have it in me to be there for her again. I am done.

Oh Rousette that is awful As much as it can hurt to feel excluded it's horrible when your kids are inexplicably left out of something and they don't know why and you don't know why either.

DHs family are just the type of people who would do this type of thing. It makes me so glad that we haven't had anything to do with them since DD was 9 months old. Too young to know

I don't think fatmomma sounds mad-i have deliberately cultivated friendships. Making friends doesn't happen by magic and it can take some effort.
With regards to the op..i wouldn't press the birthday cooking thing-if she's being shifty she obviously didn't want you there and i would focus on other friends.

fatmomma you sound aces

please can mn pay you a retainer to post on all the school gate threads

There's a word for this round these 'ere parts. You're probably being 'edged out.'

IME there's usually one of two reasons for this. Either your personality grates upon the entire group (quite unlikely really), or upon one person who takes it upon themselves to commandeer the group and slowly turn the tide against you.

Being repeatedly left out of otherwise whole-group gatherings isn't coincidental.

In your shoes I would politely detach myself.

I'd feel very sad too. But I would hold my head high, stop inviting them to things and find different friends.

Whenever I've been excluded from things it's been the latter type of person that OstentatiousBreastfeeder has described that's been responsible for it.

It's horrible bitchy behaviour but unfortunately there are a lot of so called adults that behave in that way.

I prefer individual friendships these days; group friendships always end badly for me.

I actually think the Legoland one is worse than the birthday one. If it's a small birthday 'do' with mum, dad and 6 friends, it's quite possible that there just wasn't room even if you have been friends for a while. If the other 2 were invited, then yes, that is rude, but if they weren't and it was other close friends then that's fine. Her prerogative about who she invites.

The Legoland one was very much specifically leaving you, and your kids, out of something they did as a group. That is the one I would have been more interested in knowing about. And I think if you have been friends with someone for 7 years, you could've said, "What about us? I'd liked to have come? DC would have loved that." And seen what they say.

Have you wracked your brains for a reason? Are their DC more close friends, so it's more about the kids? I say this, as my Ds1 had a bunch of friends in Nursery, but in YR they separated off, leaving him out. It was pretty devastating for him tbh (a whole other story), but for 'good' reasons as he has some mild SEN and was quite immature socially and not in the same tables at school as the other kids, so we let those friendships go tbh as it was doing his confidence no good being around them but being very much left out. Do any of your DC have SN's that may make a group trip harder work if they'd come (still v unkind, but understandable) eg. having tantrums, being difficult to control in a crowd, bad at waiting in lines.

If there really is nothing you can think of, then it is really unkind and I think someone in the group is trying to 'get rid' of you, sadly.

IME there's usually one of two reasons for this. Either your personality grates upon the entire group (quite unlikely really), or upon one person who takes it upon themselves to commandeer the group and slowly turn the tide against you.

I agree. When it's happened to me it's been about one person edging me out. Sometimes it's about your personality, something you've said or done, but often it's about either your dc or petty jealousy.

My strategy has been to move on when this happens but I like Momma's resilience. My dd's a bit like that when she has friendship problems (aged 10). She just keeps showing her face until they give up. Her bff now is someone she fell out with for six weeks in year 2. I find it too humiliating myself. And I don't particularly like those groups where this kind of game playing goes on.

Maybe just meet up with the one you've known longer on your own from now on? I managed to retain a friend from a group like this. The group no longer exists but we're still really good friends years later.

You have my sympathies OP, but please try not to overthink it and hard as it can be - don't take it personally! And I don't agree that you should ask them why you've been snubbed, I think that comes across as very needy and difficult.

Like many on here I have different groups of friends, it can be quite difficult organising a social event where there is a bit of crossover and it's unclear where to draw the line on invites. I.e. old work mates, school run pals, relatives, neighbours etc... I am sure I have "snubbed" people without meaning to and also invited people who were

Someone upthread gave what I thought was great advice, next time someone in this group mentions an event you've not been invited to, try to be very smiley and say "wow I bet that was great fun" just to make it crystal clear that you would like to have been there!

clothes I actually agree with that, groups are difficult things, and clearly here, there are different groups of which the OP isn't a part (so one person had six round for her cooking course, three went to Legoland so there isn't a set number in the group clearly).

That's why I said concentrate on if you have decent good friendships with individuals in the groups. That way, you don't have to be in the 'group' or excluded, you can have a nice time with one mum meeting up.

I also invite very different people to parties at my house, not everyone I know every single time, it depends on the event. Birthdays for incredibly close or family members only.

I just think finding a whole new circle of friends where everyone is invited to everything isn't realistic. If it is an actively bitchy circle or someone in it is horrible (and I have had this and left the group) then move on, but otherwise if they are nice people, but also socialise with each other without you, I think that's fine.

Or yes, possibly they are jealous about the exam situation. Is your DC very braggy?

Aw it's crap when this kind of thing happens - I had a similar thing happen at work earlier this year, considered four of the women I work with friends as much as colleagues then saw the posts on FB about their night out together, which was hurtful not only because I was 'left out' but because they were all aware I was on my own for the weekend as DH has taken DD off to a hobbies thing they are both into.

A short while later one of these colleagues was taken ill - cue lots of arranging visits between the remaining 3 and our extended team. Not one person asked me to join them, even though I'm one of the longer standing members of staff.

It's been weird and a bit horrible, I still make an effort to be friendly at work and they are perfectly friendly back, but I've shelved the notion of building 'proper' friendships with them outside of work. We are all busy people and I suspect there's an element of my face not quite fitting as I'm considered by most to be a little eccentric.

C'est la vie - more time to spend with the friends outside work that really know and love me .

I honestly think some needy school mums over think it.
I stopped socialising with my group when the older sibling of one of my circle was around. He and my child clashed. Neither was bad or wrong but it was really awkward so I backed off. I haven't thought anything of it as his mum is just a school mum, not a proper friend as such.

Just a thought here. When other people are organising the activity and doing the inviting, you have no control and have to hope to be "picked" or "invited."

On the other hand, if you take the initiative and suggest an activity and do the running, you will definitely be included and get to choose who comes.

I don't know enough to comment on this particular situation, but in general in life, it's best not to be passive but to make some effort yourself.

In fairness, it does sound like the OP has done some inviting, she had a Bonfire Night thing, invited for dinner, so I don't think it's that. But I don't expect to get invited to every thing my friends do at all, but then I am not part of a very tight knit group, more just a collection of friends who pair up or go in different combinations and no-one really takes offence.

But op has, she has organised activities with these 'friends', but was treated like that, being the only one out of that group to be left out of others activities. Op should not be the one doing all the running here. There comes a point, where you sit back and and look at the friendship for what it is.

I wouldn't necessarily take it too personally, I invite one couple over more than the rest of my group, because our DH's are good friends too so its easier in that sense. We also go on their family things because I knew this friends mom separately as she worked at my children's nursery, and my DH is into similar things to my friends Ddad, and we are friends with this friends siblings too.. from the outside it may look like I favour this friend in some ways, but really it is just because we have 'extra' connections so do more together. I hope that makes sense!