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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be thoroughly fed up of this situation

65 replies

Runningoutofnamesagain · 11/11/2015 18:06

Ds1 is in yr4

Since reception he has had problems with a child in his class. At first I told him to keep away but he kept getting hurt.

I wrote in and nothing changed. Ds says that he tried to keep away but that this boy follows him
We've had incidents of strangling, pulling trousers and pants down, hitting, pushing and stamping.
The school do try and deal with it each time and we've had a couple of apology letters from him

I wrote in last year to ask that ds not be placed in a class with this child when they mixed the year up but he was ! Apparently the teacher forgot and then it was too late

Ds has come home today covered in mud and with scratches all over his stomach and unhappy. He was pushed over then dragged by his legs across the field :(

I've had enough. There have been other children hurt by the same child and I really really don't think the school are doing enough.
Ds has other health problems and if this carries on I'm worried he will be seriously hurt :(

OP posts:
Idefix · 11/11/2015 18:43

Sorry for all the typos, need to not type and play with the dog at the same time [embarrased]

GoblinLittleOwl · 11/11/2015 18:44

These incidents seem to take place at lunchtimes, therefore moving your son to another class won't make any difference.

Palomb · 11/11/2015 18:45

If he child is over ten years old I'd call the police, SEN or not.

Narp · 11/11/2015 18:46

tiggytape.

I agree. Schools are more likely to be able to get support for children with behavioural difficulties, it seems to me

suchafuss · 11/11/2015 18:48

I suggest contacting your local Youth Offending Team to see if they hold restorative justice confrences and if so ask how you refer a xase to them. You and your son will get to tell the boy and his family how his actions have made you feel and the impact it has had. Its not a soft option and is very sucessful. There is a restorative justice council website if you want more information.

Awoof · 11/11/2015 18:56

Your poor boy :( I would be tempted to keep him off until you have been able to speak to the head teacher and the class teacher. In no world is this acceptable.
Photograph the scratches, and ask your son if there was anyone else who saw? Friends in his class etc?

redexpat · 11/11/2015 19:02

Have you kept a diary of instances? If not start one. TAke photos. Yes use the safeguarding approach.

MrsUltra · 11/11/2015 19:05

I would be tempted to keep him off until you have been able to speak to the head teacher and the class teacher. In no world is this acceptable.
I completely agree. It is vital that he knows you have acked this, and he is believed and his feelings matter.
This is not a 'that parent' situation.

Dismalfuckers · 11/11/2015 19:06

You just be strong and insist that the school moves the boy and ensures that this does not happen ago again.

Dd is now in third year at high school,and is still being bullied as I have been fobbed off for years.

RandomMess · 11/11/2015 19:08

Awful all around Sad dreadful for your ds and dreadful that the school have helped the child behaving like this, reeks of poor management.

catfordbetty · 11/11/2015 19:39

I think the key is kicking up a very big but very polite and formal stink about it and refusing to drop it. Read the anti bullying and the complaints procedures on the school website and follow each one through as far as you can eg complaint to Governors if Head doesn't tackle this.

This is very good advice from someone who understands how schools work. Follow the procedures. Keep a careful record of what is said, agreed and decided. Be calm, polite but tenacious.

CrohnicallyAspie · 11/11/2015 19:41

They are year 4, so 8 or 9 years old. No point really phoning the police.

However, I would be going down the formal complaint route, contact the head, in writing, asking how they are going to ensure your son's safety, and if you're not happy with the response go to governors, LEA and OFSTED in that order.

You can't insist that the boy be moved or insist in a particular punishment or anything like that. But you can insist that they take steps to ensure that he can't hurt your son again.

As PPs have said, diary. Log every incident, date, time, circumstances, photos of injuries, what your son says happened, teachers' response...

MammaTJ · 11/11/2015 19:50

I shouted loud to anyone that would listen that once the little madam that kept physically hurting my DD turned 10, I would not longer deal with the police, or her mother, but would be ringing the police. I also spoke to the police, to confirm they would be interested in dealing with it.

Funnily enough, since her 10th birthday, the little madam has gained an awful lot of self control and manages to not hurt her any more.

Not long to go now OP!

Sorry, I have nothing more useful than that to offer!

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2015 19:51

I agree with lots of good advice here. You ahve had some excellent posters saying very wise things do sift through and not what is right for your child.

AspieUnicorn although I agree This isn't good enough on the part of the school. If I were you I would write a letter to the head explaining why your son needs to be moved to another class. Written correspondence cannot be ignored. You son has the right to feel safe at school. I would say why does the 'victim' need to moved. The bully should be moved. Also it is possible to have a policy at a school where X child is not allowed to be within so many meters of Z child. This means the child who is offending needs to keep away from the other child, not the other way round. This means they can't be in the same class or study group together and the bully needs to stay away from the child he has been mercilessly bullying for so long. If this proves too hard for the bully they should be required to leave the school.

pinkyredrose re Police? Are you mad ?? I am not sure it is mad to consider someone trying to strangle you and dragging you by your feet through the mud as something that the police might be concerned with.

I don't think (sadly) the police will be interested or take action but I would consider threatening it. If the police were told someone (no more info) had been the victim of incidents of strangling, pulling trousers and pants down, hitting, pushing and stamping.... covered in mud and with scratches all over ... stomach and unhappy.... pushed over then dragged by ... legs across the field don't you think they would consider that a criminal offence? Sad Angry

Suddenly, when the victim and the perpetrator are children some might think it is not so serious. I think it may well be just as serious, this little bully has a whole time ahead of them to continue their vile behaviour. Maybe the school should take it seriously.

expatinscotland your example of a child being thrown down stairs is utterly appalling. Sadly, I have long felt unless schools are sued this culture of behaviour will not change. If someone did something like that to me at work and my work place did nothing, I would sue the work place and expect them to deal with the bully (after i called the police).

If the child is below the age of criminal responsibility then surely there is some other way of safeguarding the Op's child? The child may have special needs, may be the victim of bullying or abuse in their own home and may be acting out as a way to get the attention they need. This does not excuse the behaviour. As pthers have said if the school fails to address this it has failed both the Op's child and the bully! At the very least there might be some sort of community police who could be involved, could there?

I agree with ImperialBlether in that I'd want an urgent appointment with the headteacher and wouldn't send my son to school until he/she took action. (but as an aside I'm really shocked that this boy has been strangling others. I've never heard of a child doing that to another child. I know of at least two instances at our school where hands were around the child's throat, one was my child.)

My gut feeling is to go with ShamefulPlaceMarker advice and I'd be pulling my son out of the school tbh. I know it's unfair, as it should be the other child who goes. But it doesn't seem like that will ever happen.

But I would also start some sort of complaint procedure, through Ofsted or whatever, about the way the multiple cases of bullying and assault have been handled. At the very least I would threaten to take my child out and threaten to start a complaint procedure. Sadly, Ofsted and all their bollocks have probably made it so that schools where kids do academically well get good ratings and schools that care about their pupils' well being do not (sorry my own feelings coming through!).

Idefix I am so sorry for your ds's experiences. And so angry with you that the school failed him so badly.

Runningoutofnamesagain please make a list of all the options mentioned here. Choose which ones you would like to try and make sure you have your list of comments and 'evidence' e.g. previous assaults and the lack of action, with you see the head tomorrow. It is quite likely in the heat of the moment to forget one thing and you want to tell the full story. I think you also need to be 'smart' in how you reveal your information. Do not throw it all at them at once, then they can come back with some smart and stupid replies and you are left just reiterating.

Maybe start with the incident at hand and then hear out their weak bleating comments, then follow up with things from the past and how in each incident they have failed. Ask for reassurances in writing about what they will do. Then decide if you wish to send your son back to this place or move him or what you wish to do.

Are you parenting alone? Do you have a partner or good friend or relative who can come with you and another to look after your son while you go.

Good luck.

Fizzielove · 11/11/2015 19:52

Is there a Board of Governors? Complain there and the school will most like get a severe ticking off and issue should be dealt with!

SolidGoldBrass · 11/11/2015 21:13

I agree entirely that if the bully has SEN (or indeed has other issues such as violence at home) he needs help, too, and this is why OP needs to get on to the governors and Ofsted too if necessary.

I work with schools and my comment was based on something that happened at one of the schools - one child was very aggressive and hurt other kids, a parent complained and the school did the whole hand-wringing 'but [aggressive child] has autism and we can't exclude children for being autistic' and were utterly useless about it. They weren't being asked, even by the justifiably angry parents of the DC who were getting whacked over the head with sticks etc, to exclude the other kid, just to supervise him properly...

seasidesally · 11/11/2015 21:27

It's possible the bully has some form of SEN (which does not excuse bullying but is sometimes the reason why schools wring their hands and do fuck all about it.

either way her DC is the victim in this and is having a negative impact on their education,i would be fuming to SEN or not

FixItUpChappie · 11/11/2015 21:45

In short, I'd make it crystal clear that you will become the biggest pain in the ass ever if there is not an immediate satisfactory plan implemented. I'd crawl up every backside from the Principal to the Minister to the local news if necessary.

HelsBels3000 · 11/11/2015 21:46

How dreadful. Surely there is some method of school recording these incidents - behaviour log? first aid records?
Ask to see them. Certainly make formal complaint - you will be asked what you want to happen next, make sure you are ready with your answer.
I hope your son isn't too distressed.

PragmaticWench · 11/11/2015 21:54

The board of governors is in place to deal with exactly these issues, you need to put everything into writing and address it to the chair of governors. A decent head teacher should be happy to work with the governors to find a solution and protect your child from systematic attacks.

catfordbetty · 11/11/2015 22:07

The board of governors is in place to deal with exactly these issues

No, it isn't.

triceratops1066 · 11/11/2015 22:09

A very mild situation (compared to this) in one our local primaries was dealt with by one child only being allowed in one half of the playground and the other child only being allowed in the other half

Ionacat · 11/11/2015 22:10

This is a link to the government site that tells you what to do if you have a complaint about a state school. There are only specific things you can complain to Ofsted about and you need to have exhausted the list first which includes the school's complaints procedure.
www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/state-schools

Keep everything formal, follow any meetings where things are said verbally with a written log, and emailed/sent to the school, e.g. I would just like to confirm the actions from this meeting on this day, you said that this would be actioned by x date. Follow everything and be polite, dogged and persistent and keep escalating if you are not happy with the responses.

MsJamieFraser · 11/11/2015 22:13

Can I ask why people are advising the OP to call the police? the child is 8/9 years of age, the police cannot do anything about it, except possibly have a word.

Oakmaiden · 11/11/2015 22:16

Not entirely true. 10 is the age of criminal responsibility. It doesn't mean a child gets to do whatever they want with no consequence for anyone until they reach 10. It just means that the child's parents will be more involved in a resolution.