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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be frustrated with ds?

47 replies

Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 15:18

He's 6 and wears glasses. He's had the dilating drops in his eyes numerous times but today for some reason it wasn't happening.
There were three nurses and me trying to hold him down and he was kicking and screaming. I'm 28 weeks pregnant so was finding it quite difficult to avoid him thrashing out.
We had to to give up in the end so I've wasted an afternoon of work - time I have to make back - and now we've got to go back to the eye clinic next week so I've got to ask for more time off. I mean, I'll make it back up so it's in lieu rather than actually off, but it's still difficult. I'm a TA so can't book holiday. So now I will have to work three longer days next week. I also had a midwife appointment next week for my whooping cough vaccine which I've now cancelled because I can't ask for time off twice in a week, even if I repay it.

I know he was upset and scared but after about ten minutes of it I could feel myself getting cross. They need to look in the back of his eye, it's difficult to get the right prescription otherwise. God forbid he ever needs any actual real medical procedures or even a blood test. I admit my judgement may be slightly coloured by the fact that I've been diabetic since young childhood and have always just put up with unpleasant medical type things.
When we came out he asked for a 'treat' from the shop and I said no. Was that unreasonable? I felt like if I said yes we'd have the same thing again next week and he'd presume he'd get another treat.

OP posts:
whatdoIget · 11/11/2015 15:23

Did he say why he was so reluctant? Poor you it sounds very stressful and frustrating. It's a bit unfair to expect him to be as stoic as you have had to be though. Everyone's different. Do the drops sting maybe?

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 15:25

The drops sting - I have them for retinopathy appointments - but literally for five seconds.
The consultant said instead we will have to put drops in his eyes whilst he's asleep for three nights before the appointment. These sting less apparently but are different and will blur his vision for two weeks. I am dubious we will get the drops in when he's asleep as he's a light sleeper and as the consultant said it in front of him he will also be expecting it! He will probably sleep with one eye open, literally!

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AGrinWithoutACat · 11/11/2015 15:33

It's very frustrating but I can empathise with him, DS had to have the drops and he was slightly older but it was still upsetting for him

I bribed beforehand with the promise of a trip to the bakers (rare treat but just across the road from the opticians) afterwards if he did his best. He wanted the treat and was very good at keeping his eyes open for the drops.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 15:35

I tried a bribe. He's had them before and been fine, I'm not sure why it was so horrific today but I fear it's set a precedent. I can't see him having them again for a very long time, he was just too distraught. I promised him a teddy and some sweets - which is what I wouldn't buy him on the way out as he hadn't kept his part of the bargain. Then I felt a little mean.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 15:36

There was no way they could get near him with the drops today. Absolutely no way.

OP posts:
JoySzasz · 11/11/2015 15:37

He was scared and just six.
Unfortunately all the other issues you mentioned are not his fault. I'm sorry you feel so done in by it though.
I think it is a shame you can't take time off without a massive fuss.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 15:42

I'm also upset that now ds will have blurry vision for a fortnight. What's he supposed to do at school? It blurs things close up generally so reading and writing are going to be tricky. For two weeks.
Whereas if he'd just had the normal drops his eyes would be back to normal in a few hours.

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AugustRose · 11/11/2015 15:53

Oh I completely empathise with you today. DD2 and DS2 both need to have the drops for eye tests and while DS has always been OK (although he constantly asks about them), DD has always been very difficult. On more than one occasion it has taken 3 of us to hold her to get them in no matter how much I bribed her - and yes I understand feeling mean because I have also refused the bribe when she didn't let them put the drops in.

I know he is only 6 but will it help if you explain about the other drops, or do you not want to mention that at all? I had to have them every day for a couple of weeks as a child and couldn't see clearly, my DSis and DB had to hold my hand all the way to school so I didn't get run over!!

Do you think he would let you do the drops at home? I sometimes think it's the hospital/clinic setting that makes it worse.

LemonBreeland · 11/11/2015 16:02

I think you are being unfair on him to get so annoyed with him. He is only little and they do sting. DS2 only had them twice at the age fo 3 and talked about them for a long time afterwards. He was always worried he would have to have them each time he went to the optician.

Is there a reason he needs them every single time? If they could do it without the drops then I would go for that.

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:05

He knows about the other drops and says he won't let us put those in either. I think it's unlikely we'd get three night worth of drops in. The Dr said he'd probably wake after the first drop and then we'd have to let him go back to sleep to do the other eye. Well he won't go back to sleep I'm pretty certain!
The nurse was the one who said to give up today. It did feel wrong pinning him down whilst he was screaming, it felt like he was going to be emotionally scarred.

I think if I didn't have to try and sort time off at work I wouldn't feel so cross about it. Obviously it's not ds's fault I'm at work but it will make life difficult. If he'd just had the drops in it would all have been over and done with today.

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Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:06

He doesn't have them every time. It's usually annually or I think it was twice last year as they wanted to check something. He goes to the eye clinic every six to eight weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:08

They sting but compared to what a lot of children have to go through for various medical issues it's nothing. It's like getting soap in your eyes.

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munkisocks · 11/11/2015 16:09

As one PP said a home setting could be best as you could make it his responsibility like being a really grown up boy to do it himself. Hopefully this might be an option for you?

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:10

Worth a try I guess. Knowing ds that's it tbh, he's pretty stubborn and once he's decided something that's it. I doubt he will have the drops again without a significant fight. Although perhaps being unable to see for two weeks will convince him to have them next time.

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welshHairs · 11/11/2015 16:11

It must be difficult to deal with, especially when you're pregnant but I think maybe ya a bit u.... sorry. It's just because I remember when my dbro had to have them when he was little and even as an adult he remembers how horrible it was. I get frustrated with my dd for things too though, it's human nature. And I've not got pregnancy to deal with on top of it!

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:14

The thing is yes they sting but it is no worse than getting shampoo in your eyes. Or chlorine. And it's over so quickly. I know it isn't pleasant and I wish he didn't have to put up with it or wear glasses really but the fact is he does so he's going to have to get used to it.

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welshHairs · 11/11/2015 16:31

I do empathise. Not quite the same as she's a lot younger (15mths) but I've had to pin my dd down to give her calpol and antibiotics in the past. It doesn't seem to have scarred her and she will take it without (much, if any) fuss now. Hopefully this will just be a blip and he'll get better. I think you'll hve to be careful not to make it into a massive issue... How, I don't know. Lots of positive enforcement maybe so he associates it with good things?

whatdoIget · 11/11/2015 16:44

It's no consolation to your ds that other children have worse things happening to them though is it?
It might make him a bit more cooperative if you tried to be a bit more sympathetic. Apologies if you already are and are just venting on this thread. He's also probably picking up on your feelings of tension.

Tidypidy · 11/11/2015 16:45

My son had the drops recently and they put a drop of local anaesthetic in first. Could you ask for this?

Original poster
Givinguph0pe · 11/11/2015 16:46

I've tried being sympathetic, it makes no difference. Nor does explaining why he's having them. He's bright enough to understand.
As soon as they said to stop he ceased crying and asked for his treat. That annoyed me too.

OP posts:
SouthWestmom · 11/11/2015 16:49

We had all this. It's a bit of a faff but can you do a time table and get him to tick it off?

Like:

Little X at the optician

Get in car
Sit and wait nicely
Sit and talk to optician
Hold mummy's hand a squeeze
Drops in while I count to twenty
Drops stop stinging while I count to ten
Eye test
Say goodbye nicely

Etc

Let him tick it all off and get a prize

AliceInUnderpants · 11/11/2015 16:55

I know you are pregnant and upset, so am aware that this may upset you, but try to think of it like this....

A midwife is insistent she must give you an internal examination. You are reluctant as you are uncomfortable and know that it hurts. Everyone is trying to tell you that it's for your own good, but you really, really don't want it. Instead of respecting your body, four people pin you down and try to force a medical procedure on you that you don't want. They are unsuccessful, and afterwards you are shaken and upset and someone tells you that you are unreasonable to be, and you've made things so much more difficult for them. You want to go for a coffee to calm down afterwards and get told no, you're not allowed.

Tell me you don't feel violated? That is how your son is feeling.

I have two children with ASD. One in particular finds any medical situations (doctor, dentist, optician..) horrendous, so I understand how frustrating it is, but we teach our children to take ownership over their own bodies. We can't go against it when we choose it for them.

CrystalGlitz · 11/11/2015 16:56

I understand your frustration OP. My DD no longer needs to go to the eye clinic for checks but when she was younger and had to have the eye drops she would regularly flip out. I tried all reasoning and bribes but in the end what worked for us was setting it as a challenge, 'us vs them'. I realise this sounds crazy and would need to be adapted as you're pg but I used to give her a piggyback in the consulting room and we'd challenge the HCP to get the drops in while DD was on my back! Strangely it worked - DD thought it was funny and the HCPs were up for it. Smile Can you come up with something creative to make it a game?

5madthings · 11/11/2015 17:07

I can understand your frustration my 13 yr old has asc and some other health issues, we have seen gastroentologist, rheumatology, orthopaedics etc and have had some real battles but it doesn't work.

Our hospital has a play specialist sp now when ds2 needs stuff done like blood taken etc the play specialist is there, we go to a certain room that ds2 feels comfortable with.. It's a long drawn out process when it could be done in minutes but needs must.

As an aside my ds3 had an eye injury that required five types of eye drops every two hours, compete bed rest for 6 wks and trips to the hospital every day, then every other day etc. They were talking about admitting him to sedate him.it was so important he didn't move! Dh was away and I have five kid's, it was a nightmare. Luckily ds3 was a complete star about it all. Had it been ds2 they would have had to sedate him. Actually if it was me I would have to be sedated as well, I bloody hate eye drops or anything to do with eyes. I grew up with glasses and needing eye drops, this has probably contributed to my fears of any eye related things, so I can sympathise with your son.

He may be bright and seem mature, but he is six years old, that is very little honestly.

Ask the hospital if they have a play specialist, he won't be the first child to refuse, and definitely not the last.

WhetherOrNot · 11/11/2015 17:17

A midwife is insistent she must give you an internal examination. You are reluctant as you are uncomfortable and know that it hurts. Everyone is trying to tell you that it's for your own good, but you really, really don't want it. Instead of respecting your body, four people pin you down and try to force a medical procedure on you that you don't want. They are unsuccessful, and afterwards you are shaken and upset and someone tells you that you are unreasonable to be, and you've made things so much more difficult for them. You want to go for a coffee to calm down afterwards and get told no, you're not allowed.

What a load of crapAlice. No comparison in any way, shape or form !!!