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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be really irritated with DP's apparant decision to 'turn on me' again this week?

82 replies

SlimmersWorldHero · 11/11/2015 11:19

DP and I have great times and then we descend into petty squabbles which result in us not talking for days - him in an endless sulk and me questioning our entire relationship.

IMO these usually result from him deliberately taking something I've said the wrong way, kicking up a massive OTT stink about it and then refusing to let it drop. Ive recently realized he does this when he's been spoiling for a fight anyway and I've added a tiny spark to his fuse.

Anyway - recently we've been good. Making wedding plans, making holiday plans, sorting finances - all has been well.

Until - last weekend. I've decided to stop getting drunk every friday and saturday night just because it's weekend. He has continued to drink.

Friday night I got in from work at 8pm and he'd had a drink - he started with his sarcasm, his snappy comments, his intentions to be offended at whatever I said ... I put it down to the fact that he was drinking and I wasn't.

Since then though he's changed although he denies it. He's not wanting to talk to me, being sarcastic constantly and basically just not been very nice to be around. Last night was awful. I got home from work at 8pm (from 7am!). He'd also been at work but finished at 4.30pm. We both work full time, we're both tired - I get that. But his mouth ...

He had said he'd like to watch a specific program with me. It was getting on for 10pm and he was still faffing about with some papers that need signing and sorting on Friday. So I said "are we going to put this program on? it's getting late and I'll be going to bed soon". Well - this opened up a tirade of tantruming "right! thats it! you sort those papers out then!! do it now because I'm tired and will be going to bed soon! have you done it yet?? I would have done it earlier but I've been busy sorting out YOUR kids - you wouldn't know because you wern't here! You wouldn't understand because you're not used to looking after someone elses kids - "

Anyway he continued making references to the fact that I "wasn't here" although if ever I suggest cutting my hours down he goes mad and says its not an option as we need the money and why should he have to work full time to support everyone etc etc etc - I can't win.

And then the constant references to my kids - they're 14 and 16 - all he did was stick a bleeding pizza in the oven!!

Anyway he went on to say that I don't pull my weight. On my day off on Tuesday I did two lots of washing, cleaned two bathrooms, sorted the week's shopping, organised a christmas meal out for his and my parents to meet, organised the wedding cake and did a load of research into our holiday plans. Oh and I wrapped some Christmas presents for HIS KIDS.

He doesn't work weekends so what does he do on HIS day off? stays in bed until 11am, gets up, plays on the computer and then watches movies with his son as he 'needs to spend time with him'. Shame I never get time to do that eh.

OP posts:
BreakingDad77 · 11/11/2015 14:04

How could you even be in a relationship let alone contemplate marrying this guy?

Goingtobeawesome · 11/11/2015 14:10

YANBU do be irritated.

You would be a complete fool to marry him. Why would you? It's not a one off and he will only get worse once you are married because he can. You've already told him he can treat you like he wants and you won't do anything about it.

SugarPlumTree · 11/11/2015 14:15

I haven't read any other threads but a relationship where you spend days not talking is in no shape or form, anywhere near normal and very damaging for your teenage children to witness.

What do you get out of this relationship?

HazelBite · 11/11/2015 14:31

How about looking him straight in the eye and asking him if he actually likes you, because it doesn't sound like he does.

How about not arguing with him and when he starts just tell him you do not like his behaviour and that if he persists you do not see any future for you (and mean it)

laureywilliams · 11/11/2015 14:44

Kind, wise words from Suzuki.

Run for the hills.

dreamoutloud · 11/11/2015 16:01

I despair at threads like this. Why are you planning to marry this man?!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 11/11/2015 16:15

Ew
Why would you even think about marrying him? What a fucking nause.

pictish · 11/11/2015 16:24

You're selling yourself well short accepting this nasty, argumentative, emotionally abusive arsehole as the best you can do.

pictish · 11/11/2015 16:50

And 'constant' references to your kids? I'm willing to bet they're not loving ones.
Your kids deserve better than a resentful stepfather don't they?

specialsubject · 11/11/2015 17:36

we don't have to see you again, OP, but I really hope you take the recommended action.

most men are decent individuals who are interested in and love their partners, support them, enjoy their company, etc etc etc. There are plenty of men like this. You do not need to settle for this useless one.

It is also not fair to subject your children to this. I know splitting up is not easy but do you really want a life like this?

MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 11/11/2015 17:40

Honestly, just accept that the sulky, sweary, accusatory rager is the real man. The good times are the exception. I suspect if you marry him there will quite quickly be fewer and fewer exceptions. Why does he do it? Well, some people simply seem to need someone to kick. If they were left all alone they would get a pet, and kick that.

Are you really up for living like this?

AgathaF · 11/11/2015 17:44

Why exactly do you want to marry him?

JenniferYellowHat1980 · 11/11/2015 17:56

We women are socially conditioned to always give, give, give and forgive, forgive and forgive and constantly check ourselves, our appearance, our behaviour, our speech, our choices to make sure we fit in with what is expected of us and if we please men.

No we're not. Some women are, maybe, but they have to be in the minorlty. I don't want to being pedantic but I do think this self-perpetuating guff about what women are like needs challenging.

OTheHugeManatee · 11/11/2015 18:05

Another one saying don't marry him.

stoppitySTOP · 11/11/2015 18:21

I used to be you.

You'll do this in your own time. But just think about it. Do you notice how you're always walking on eggshells, self-checking your behaviour and altering it to not start a fight? But the fight starts anyway? And he suddenly pulls away and gives you the silent treatment for hours, days, and you end up begging for him to explain what you did wrong, so you can fix it. But it's the smallest thing, ridiculous. You point that out. And then he turns on you and makes YOU feel like the crazy one, maybe you really DID do those things wrong.

When you leave him you'll feel heavy, and you won't know how you're gonna move on with your life. It'll hurt like a fucking bitch. You'll think about him every day. Until you don't. Until you talk to that guy at work and you realise he isn't there angrily questioning you about who he is. Until you spend your money on what you want and realise you don't have that lingering fear that he's going to go apeshit at you for it. Until you wake up one morning and feel like you can just be yourself and not edit your actions to please the unpleasable.

It's like pulling off a plaster. If you sit and wait for the good times, you'll never do it because right now the good times feel good enough to stay through the belittling shit. They aren't. Freedom is so much better. I know you will realise this in time and I wish you luck.

Mrskeats · 11/11/2015 18:35

I agree with the consensus on here
I was with someone like this and he made my life hell. My life improved so so much and now I'm with someone who is the opposite
Life is short don't waste it on an idiot

HubertsBirthdayStick · 11/11/2015 18:39

Bin The Bastard

Atenco · 11/11/2015 19:27

I just think that if you weren't spending so much on a wedding and a holiday you would be able to cut your hours and spend more time with you kids, OP. Maybe it is just my own experience, but I feel that teenagers need to have their parents around much more even than small children.

MammaTJ · 11/11/2015 21:08

You have been a single parent before and to younger children than you have now. You had to split with their Dad to do so however that came about) and you survived! You would survive leaving this asshole, the one who is not the Dad to your DC and being a single parent to teens!

You really do not need the agro. I cannot see what he adds to your life. I can see what he erodes though, constantly!

Castrovalva · 11/11/2015 21:12

LTB

YouTheCat · 11/11/2015 21:50

Can you imagine putting up with this behaviour for the rest of your life?

If you truly feel he's likely to change seriously doubt it maybe give counselling a go. But I'd put wedding plans on hold.

Your kids will have flown the nest in a few years and then it will be just yo and him. You deserve better.

IJustLostTheGame · 11/11/2015 22:13

He's a cunt.
Don't marry him.

Oysterbabe · 11/11/2015 22:19

I was shocked when I got to the bit about you having a 14 and 16 year old. I'd assumed you were a very young couple as he sounds like a child.

missymayhemsmum · 11/11/2015 23:00

You do not deserve to be treated like this! Your kids deserve better than to have to live with this man. Cancel the wedding and change the locks.

Suziki · 13/11/2015 11:59

Hmmm this is quite a big topic and this may not be the right place to get into it as I don't want to distract from the OP's personal post.

You might not agree but it does not it is not the case. Quite often we cannot, do not and/or are distracted from seeing our own oppression.

Silencing, abusing, limiting and dominating women and girls in other ways is the main feature and aim of the global patriarchal culture we live in and these women and girls are not in the minority at all. Denying or refusing to believe that this happens does not change the reality

Women and girls are conditioned socially to be a certain way (and so are men in different ways). This is what we know as gender stereotypes. These stereotypes that we are forced to fit into (or else be outcast,ridiculed, shunted, silenced, abused) that are created and perpetuated by patriarchy are the problem.

Naming and describing the process of subjugation, sharing our own experiences and recognising the abuse and violence she suffers and survives and validating a woman's experience especially when she is being told she is to blame for the abuse and why does she not just leave and why is she putting up with it etc etc and supporting her no matter what she decides to do and when , can only be a step forward and not a 'self-perpetuating myth'.

My concern is about what happens to women as we are the ones being told we are second class citizens, sex objects, servants of men- sometimes overtly sometimes not.

The manifestation of this power dynamic is different in different cultures and times. There are a few cultures where there is an egalitarian approach but they are in the minority for the time being ( yes, things can change and women can achieve liberation)

It is hard to believe as it is so extreme but I'm afraid it is so. I don't mean any of this in a patronising way towards anyone by the way.

No woman who has been abused or used by men on this earth is weak, stupid or gullible- we are all women and girls living under a patriarchy however educated, privileged, clever, strong etc we may be. None of us are immune to male abuse and violence against women.

Recognising this power and control dynamic and how it affects women and girls' psyche is vital so that we can challenge and change it and I'm all for empowering and supporting women and girls as much as I can.

Have a look at this link if you wish- I just came across it yesterday and it just so happens to have been written by a man ( I say this because men rarely question their own sexist and misogynist behaviour and attitudes and I do much prefer to hear what women have to say about their experiences and insight into patriarchal practices)

www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

love and peace