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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be really irritated with DP's apparant decision to 'turn on me' again this week?

82 replies

SlimmersWorldHero · 11/11/2015 11:19

DP and I have great times and then we descend into petty squabbles which result in us not talking for days - him in an endless sulk and me questioning our entire relationship.

IMO these usually result from him deliberately taking something I've said the wrong way, kicking up a massive OTT stink about it and then refusing to let it drop. Ive recently realized he does this when he's been spoiling for a fight anyway and I've added a tiny spark to his fuse.

Anyway - recently we've been good. Making wedding plans, making holiday plans, sorting finances - all has been well.

Until - last weekend. I've decided to stop getting drunk every friday and saturday night just because it's weekend. He has continued to drink.

Friday night I got in from work at 8pm and he'd had a drink - he started with his sarcasm, his snappy comments, his intentions to be offended at whatever I said ... I put it down to the fact that he was drinking and I wasn't.

Since then though he's changed although he denies it. He's not wanting to talk to me, being sarcastic constantly and basically just not been very nice to be around. Last night was awful. I got home from work at 8pm (from 7am!). He'd also been at work but finished at 4.30pm. We both work full time, we're both tired - I get that. But his mouth ...

He had said he'd like to watch a specific program with me. It was getting on for 10pm and he was still faffing about with some papers that need signing and sorting on Friday. So I said "are we going to put this program on? it's getting late and I'll be going to bed soon". Well - this opened up a tirade of tantruming "right! thats it! you sort those papers out then!! do it now because I'm tired and will be going to bed soon! have you done it yet?? I would have done it earlier but I've been busy sorting out YOUR kids - you wouldn't know because you wern't here! You wouldn't understand because you're not used to looking after someone elses kids - "

Anyway he continued making references to the fact that I "wasn't here" although if ever I suggest cutting my hours down he goes mad and says its not an option as we need the money and why should he have to work full time to support everyone etc etc etc - I can't win.

And then the constant references to my kids - they're 14 and 16 - all he did was stick a bleeding pizza in the oven!!

Anyway he went on to say that I don't pull my weight. On my day off on Tuesday I did two lots of washing, cleaned two bathrooms, sorted the week's shopping, organised a christmas meal out for his and my parents to meet, organised the wedding cake and did a load of research into our holiday plans. Oh and I wrapped some Christmas presents for HIS KIDS.

He doesn't work weekends so what does he do on HIS day off? stays in bed until 11am, gets up, plays on the computer and then watches movies with his son as he 'needs to spend time with him'. Shame I never get time to do that eh.

OP posts:
Suziki · 11/11/2015 12:29

Hello Slimmersworldhero

Firstly, hugs to you. Some people may think that YOU are subjecting your children to this but the fact is that HE is the one who is being ABUSIVE.

Why is he emotionally abusive and controlling? There is such a thing as male privilege and domination of women by men in this world.

He is a prime example of one who thinks he owns you as a woman and can tell you what to do and criticise you constantly to wear you down and make you give in and submit.

He won't stop even if you do submit by the way -so damned if you and damned if you don't basically.

It is not to do with what you do or don't do one bit. You are not to blame for any of it. He can and will do it to the next woman.

And no, you are not stupid or gullible or irresponsible or weak for staying with him and loving him.

We women are socially conditioned to always give, give, give and forgive, forgive and forgive and constantly check ourselves, our appearance, our behaviour, our speech, our choices to make sure we fit in with what is expected of us and if we please men. We grow up with it day in day out and we internalise it and we do not realise or recognise why any more and may not be conscious of these things.

You may feel this word is too strong or you may say that he is not a monster. They rarely are monsters but whether you see it for what it is or not, I think we can agree that you do feel that something is seriously wrong with his treatment of you and your children.

There is absolutely nothing you can do to change him because he does not really want to as he does not see a problem with his attitude and his actions. He may say he is sorry and things might be ok for a while but he will do it again and again.

You can get support from Women's Aid or Refuge floating support services if you wish to try them.

Just to add, 'perpetrator' programmes for abusive men do not work. They just learn how to disguise their abuse in more insidious ways.

Highly recommend Why Does he Do that? by Lundy Brancroft and Dee L.R. Graham's Loving to Survive.

You can leave him although I recognise that it is very hard to do. Your hoping he will change and not being able to accept your dreams of your togetherness will not come true are keeping you there plus all the things we know women know they will face- the judgements, the criticism, the ridicule, the contempt, the pity- if you do leave.

However, you ARE stronger than ALL of that even if you may not know it yet. You will find that you feel lighter and happier and amongst and after the tears and pain, there will be peace without him taking up some much of your precious time, energy and headspace. You do not need him. He is poisoning you...

Whatever you decide to do, stand in your power as a woman and know that you are never less than him and that in fact you are much much more than he can ever be.

Hugs & love to you, Suziki

AliceScarlett · 11/11/2015 12:31

Ugh he sounds horrible. Definate LTB from me.

AyeAmarok · 11/11/2015 12:35

Talking to the hand, folks.

Gruntfuttock · 11/11/2015 12:37

Cancel the wedding. Cancel the relationship.

Babynamechange · 11/11/2015 12:41

Everything Suziki said x

Jackie0 · 11/11/2015 12:42

Don't waste any more time with this prick.

Bunbaker · 11/11/2015 12:45

Listen to everyone on here. He does not deserve you. Don't go on holiday with him. Don't marry him.

A normal relationship is not like this. A nice guy does not treat his partner like this.

Why are you considering marrying him? What redeeming features does he have?

specialsubject · 11/11/2015 12:45

come on, have some self-respect. Is this the best you can do? Of course it isn't!

jettison this arsehole pronto for an instant quality of life improvement.

LittleLionMansMummy · 11/11/2015 12:53

I don't know where to start op, so I won't. Surely you can see that he's a massive prick. Walk away now before it's too late.

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 11/11/2015 12:59

DON'T MARRY HIM. RUN!!!!

sorry for the crazy person capitals but please do it now!

Mouthfulofquiz · 11/11/2015 13:00

I wouldn't be making wedding plans with someone like that!!

PegsPigs · 11/11/2015 13:01

How do you think marrying him is going to change him?

foolonthehill · 11/11/2015 13:06

Don't marry him.

Run away

He will not change but you can.......

HaydeeofMonteCristo · 11/11/2015 13:06

ps suziki's post is brilliant. Listen to her.

0ipsydipsy0 · 11/11/2015 13:07

This reply has been deleted

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ouryve · 11/11/2015 13:09

Lighten your workload and cancel the wedding.

And go on holiday without him.

I'm sure you're not up for a lifetime of his tantrums.

LagunaBubbles · 11/11/2015 13:12

And you are marrying him because????

Ohfourfoxache · 11/11/2015 13:16

Run.

Run fast and run far.

Fairylea · 11/11/2015 13:19

The way he talks about them being "your" kids would be enough for me to run to be honest. I have a child from my previous marriage and if my dh talked about her that way I would be horrified, she is as much his as the toddler son we have together. We are a family. No division.

He sounds vile.

AcrossthePond55 · 11/11/2015 13:29

I think you need to stop and consider very carefully why you are considering marrying this man. I know that threads started in the heat of anger or upset may not show both sides of a relationship or argument, but honestly, he is NOT coming off very well!

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? All couples squabble & occasionally we even let a bad mood make us more easily irritated with our spouse, but this 'spoiling for a fight' to the point where you can actually see or feel that he's just waiting to pounce on you means he's using you as a 'punching bag' for when he's angry at anything, not just at you.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 11/11/2015 13:33

It's easy to forget all this shit when the going's good, isn't it?

How much more resentment towards your children are you going to make them put up with before enough is enough? It will damage your relationship with them, you know that don't you? When in ten years you've finally the courage to boot him out, it may be too late to salvage it. Do it now.

Sallystyle · 11/11/2015 13:41

If my husband ever uttered the word YOUR kids he would have been out, for that alone.

He's an arsehole.

You deserve better. If you can't do it for yourself do it for YOUR kids.

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2015 13:44

Hi SlimmersWorldHero, excellent advice from others.

Please read your own opening post again and imagine your son or daughter were asking if they should marry such a person. Now ask and answer the same question for you.

It sounds awful.

I hope you find a better way to live.

P1nkP0ppy · 11/11/2015 13:49

Ummm could you just remind me why you're with him?
It certainly won't be any better when you're married, so get out while you can.

Lostcat2 · 11/11/2015 13:58

Your poor teenagers. Think of the example you are both setting to them.

He's an unpleasent bully and you are putting up with it.

Please stop. I have read previous posts of yours and he ain't ever ever going to change. You can.