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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how should I have a chat with the teacher

27 replies

Salmiak · 09/11/2015 22:02

Dd is in y1. They have a star rewards system at school for good behaviour/kindness/hard work/etc. Once their chart is full they get a prize. So far this term her friends have all filled up their charts at least once, whereas she is still on the second row.

Tonight dd has been in tears believing she's not good enough (brought on by someone else once again filling their chart). She tells me she always tries her best but just never gets any unless the stars are being handed out to the whole group, but no personal ones. She doesn't know what she can do to get more.

I know I'm going to come across as pfb but she genuinely is a good kid. She's not the type to misbehave, is never disruptive, always tries her best, is kind to other children, etc. We had a glowing parent teacher meeting a few weeks ago where her teacher described her as a lovely girl, an asset to the class, said what I've typed above and had no issues at all with her.

So what do I do? I obviously need to raise this with her teacher who is very nice but I'm unsure how to phrase it. I'm now filled with doubt, maybe dd isn't as great in class as we were led to believe, in which case I'd want to know. Or maybe the teacher is consistently overlooking her, in which case I need to phrase this in a polite way. How do I word this, politely but still letting her know that it's an issue deeply affecting dd?

OP posts:

itsmeohlord · 09/11/2015 22:06

Just go in and say what you have written here. that DD says she can't understand why she is only on the second row of her star chart when all her friends are on their second chart....

Sighing · 09/11/2015 22:08

Focus on what you've said DD's confidence has been affected by much lower scores. Ask teacher what targets DD could try to achieve to gain more or if she is distracted in class. That's not at all complainy, and focuses on what can be done. Usually no points good or bad means a student that doesn't need bribing to get on with it

TimeToMuskUp · 09/11/2015 22:08

Be honest; speak to the teacher and explain that the issue is upsetting your DD and that her self-esteem is taking a little knock. Unless you speak up for her, the teacher and TA won't ever know, and perhaps they focus so hard on the ones who have to try very hard to achieve 'good' behaviour that the ones like your DD fly under their radar because they're simply not disruptive enough to be noticed. (Don't say that, though, just say your DD is upset and could perhaps use a little self-esteem boost).

Smartiepants79 · 09/11/2015 22:10

I would start by asking the teacher to explain the system to you. Plead ignorance. Ask what the stars are awarded for.
Do you know for a fact that others are receiving more than her? Is she the only one? You're sure that it not just her perception of it? It seems rather odd that she should be the only one being 'left behind' in this way.
Her teacher needs to know that your DD has noticed, is feeling underappreciated and that it's upsetting her and affecting her confidence.
Just try not to be angry and give it from your daughters point of view as she is the one that matters.

pinotblush · 09/11/2015 22:11

These star charts are wrong in my opinion and always used to make the naughty ones conform. The good children dont understand why. It should be scrapped.

Spitoon · 09/11/2015 22:12

Sometimes it's the less well behaved kids who fill up their reward cards quickly, simply for behaving as everyone else does. Hugely unfair to the kids who toe the line every day though.

Jinglebells99 · 09/11/2015 22:13

I think this often happens at primary school. At ours, children had to earn merits to get coloured shield badges. Given it was almost impossible to get certain colour badges, to get a gold for example, you had to collect a ridiculous number, that it was impossible to get, unless a child is getting twice as many as all the other children. And yet certain children managed it!

AllChangeLife · 09/11/2015 22:14

I'd go in open and honest, telling teacher that DD has been getting upset and feeling that she wasn't good enough because of her lack of personal stars. You were just wondering how the system worked and is there anything in her behaviour that was holding her back... Just asking as her confidence is at a low at the moment and you'd like to try to build it up.

See what teacher says! Good luck.

NoSquirrels · 09/11/2015 22:19

Yes, tis like "Star of the Week". Brilliant when they get it, but if no one quite keeps an eye on it (and honestly, teachers have so much else to keep an eye on I don't know why they'd make it harder for themselves with frizzing star charts) then it can become upsetting for some kids when it doesn't seem fair.

Don;t worry about being PFB - just ask for an explanation of the star charts, they'll give it to you, you explain DD has been worried and upset she's never getting it "right", her chart will miraculously fill up over the next week and you can act delighted at the "surprise".

OurBlanche · 09/11/2015 22:20

Way back in the mists of time I too had a tear or ten over a reward chart. The chart had our names and 2 columns, a please and a thank you column.

According to my mother I went home and told her that after a week of not getting a star I had danced around singing things like "may I please hold your book for you, thank you?" or "please may I move your pencil, thank you very much?" and still my teacher had not given me a star on the board. Mum told me to be nice and not to worry about it.

The next day she was spoken to by the head. My teacher had complained that in quiet time I had yelled "Please may I have a poo, thank you for letting me have a poo." and then burst into tears when even that failed to get me a star.

Mum firmly explained that I was probably making a protest as I had been feeling ignored, not having any stars next to my name. The teacher said she had not heard me say please or thank you.... mum reminded her that she had definitely heard me say at least 1 of each that very day.

My mum has lots of such stories about me, not so much my sister. I may have been something of a trial as a child

MooseAndSquirrel · 09/11/2015 22:20

Without laying blame, I would ask about it. Maybe a quick "just to say that DD is getting a bit stressed about the star rewards & wondering if there's something she could focus on to help her?"
I find the standard"good" kids can be overlooked sometimes, and if there are some minor issues, it gives the teacher an opening to discus it with you.
My DD1 teachers are lovely & never mind little things questioned - in fact I was told in year one, just because it seems a little thing to a grown up, it can be a huge deal for a little person!

Original poster

Salmiak · 09/11/2015 22:35

Thanks for all the replies, was feeling very emotional earlier about how upset dd was by it all and uncertain how to tackle it with her teacher.

I think asking about how the reward stars work and enquiring if there is anything dd can do to move up hers is a good way of starting the conversation, I think I will definitely want to emphasise how upset she was tonight and hopefully more stars will appear

OP posts:

Sunnyminimalist2 · 09/11/2015 22:42

I found the naughty disruptive kids AND the pushy bright kids got the stars. The bright, quiet, well behaved kids went unnoticed.

Yes speak up for your DD. If that doesn't work ask the head what is normal

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 09/11/2015 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

catfordbetty · 09/11/2015 22:46

and hopefully more stars will appear

I'm willing to bet they will.

TwllBach · 09/11/2015 22:54

As a teacher I hate star charts. We use them in school and even in my own class I find them very quickly becoming a bribe for the more difficult children if I'm not concentrating.

I also find it difficult to explain to the children that, for example, I gave jonny a star today because he got his own coat on all by himself, while I will never give susie a star for getting her coat on because she came to me being able to do so.

I'm afraid that your DD is probably one of the lovely quiet children that get on with their work and therefore get overlooked for things like stars. Have a nice chat with the teacher and I guarantee the teacher will feel awful, because we all do it I get round it by giving stars in quiet moments and saying things like here is a star because I can always trust you to be doing the right thing. Here is a star for always putting your hand up. I do also try to reward in other little ways too though - such as choosing these children to pick stories/songs for home time etc. could that be happening?

Caboodle · 09/11/2015 23:21

I'm a secondary teacher so don't use star charts but Dcs are in primary and have the 'star of the day / week' stuff. They have all brought them home often enough and yet I am uncomfortable with it all tbh-some kids must feel left out? I'd imagine the quiet ones. I feel the same about 'man of the match' stuff too. It all seems to miss the point of learning. It depresses me the way education is going (whole other thread there )

mmgirish · 10/11/2015 12:30

This is the problem with all of those reward systems. I'm a primary teacher and don't use any of that. Motivation for good or kind behaviour should be instinsic not extrinsic. I have found that good kids often get left out of those schemes as teachers often use it for children who need to improve...

Original poster

Salmiak · 10/11/2015 19:32

Had a chat with the teacher today. Absolutely no issues at all with dd, tomorrow she will be covered in stars apparently!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2015 19:37

Don't forget to act surprised and delighted to your DD tomorrow!

Gruntfuttock · 10/11/2015 19:40

So why had the teacher not been giving her any hitherto then?

QOD · 10/11/2015 19:41

I remember this with merits at primary. I spoke to her teacher who said along the lines of Omg I'm so sorry, miniqod just gets on with everything, we kind of use them to reward good behaviour but when they're always good, it doesn't stand out. So sorry.
so dd then got gazillions lol

Haggisfish · 10/11/2015 19:43

Because they are human and have a million things to think about at once. This is why it's always worth asking politely about these things.

Galvanised · 10/11/2015 19:44

I have a child or two with various sn, I wince every time they come home with various star of the week certificates for different things as I know that these must be the exact things they are struggling with. My one nt child seems to get less praise for just getting on with stuff. But she's less bothered also. You did the right thing speaking to the teacher. No point in using various behaviour modification techniques only targeting those with difficulties, if it's negatively affecting the rest of the class. I have no idea how teachers cope with keeping on top of a class of thirty odd children, I get lost dealing with just three

dimdommilpot · 10/11/2015 19:49

There is a similar one at our school. DDs friend gone a star for eating her peas. I asked if she got one for eating hers but she didnt and her friend did because she doesnt usually eat them...they are silly and pointless.

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