To jam this woman's iThing up her arse?

[LauraMipsum]

Picture the scene: I am in the midst of an attempt to get DD (12months) to sleep in her own cot. This involves being awake and holding her hand patiently for a couple of hours every night with DP and I taking turns. I haven't slept a full night in a year and this week is going to suck rocks as it's going to get worse before it gets better. She was awake 2-5am the last two nights.

I am working FT. I am in the fortunate position of being able to dick around on MN work away from my desk between meetings, as I'm self employed, so I've taken advantage of the wonderfully comfy sofas in Starbucks to come and caffeinate heavily, consume my own body weight in sugar, and snooze slightly.

Despite there being EVERY OTHER comfy chair in the place free, a woman has chosen to sit RIGHT opposite me, and then conduct a loud FaceTime conversation on her iThing. No headphones, so I can hear both of them. And it keeps dropping in and out so they have to keep ringing each other back and she won't answer until it's rung for about 20 seconds with the most annoying ring tone she could find. They're not even talking about anything interesting or eavesdrop-worthy (not that it's eavesdropping if you would need noise cancelling headphones to avoid hearing it). In fact this is one of the most smug, vacuous conversations I've ever heard.

I have half an hour to do nothing before dragging my sleep-deprived self off to tedious meetings and she is RUINING it. [weeps]

WIBU to reach over, remove the iThing and insert it somewhere personal? Or at the very least, drown it in the loo?

[NB for the extremely literal I am not actually planning to commit an assault upon her person or indeed criminal damage on her iThing. I'm just peeved.]

Make her eat it. It's the only reasonable course of action.

Can you 'accidentally' spill your coffee on her?!

Join in with the conversation until she gets so offended she moves away? Sing "Let it go" at the top of your voice?

Yes join in. and post back here afterwards

Well... If you were seeking quiet, I wouldn't go to a coffee shop in the middle of the day, they are always full of loud meetings or conference calls. Starbucks don't mind because they make a lot of money from it. Cafe Nero is usually better at asking people to keep it down, but again they probably won't provided that she's not being a total nuisance, and she's bought something.

I'd just move away. Pick up your things and find a quieter place, let her sit there and do her call.

Or you could tell her you need to join a call and ask if she'd mind moving, but it's a lot more effort than just moving yourself.

If you spill coffee on her, she'll start shrieking and it'll be even worse, and a PA comment will probably just make her talk louder. Or come and sit on your lap.

Start beat boxing and finger drumming on the table with an occasional air cymbal thrown in.

Yanbu shove it up and twist it round

You need to ensure that your keypad tones are turned ON and ON LOUD before typing anything else on here. If you can make them make those annoying musical tones, even better

I like the idea of joining in. The one I can't see has had a hair cut and thinks it doesn't go with her clothes.

Who HAS these conversations outside the pages of Heat magazine??

Anchor it's not ideal but it's better than being at my desk where I will have to do Actual Work. I'm not going to do anything but post on here and seethe inwardly. The traditional English method of conflict resolution.

The air cymbal made me snort. Periodic laughter into my keyboard might do the trick.

Please please please join in with her conversation!

Jump into the air with an audible scream, pretend there's something awful on the seat by you and go and snuggle right up into her armpit, so the FaceTimer can see you. Then start picking your nose and eating it. Delving into your ears for wax... go on go on go on.

Hope the baby sleeps tonight

make her suffer op, yanbu!!

Ewwww NoSquirrels I'm not sure I could eat bogeys even for ten minutes peace and quiet!!

She just finished her muffin and then swept the crumbs away from her onto the floor. Or more accurately, onto my feet. Thanks for that, iWoman.

You're all making me laugh though, thank you.

Oh sweeping crumbs over me would give the rage.

Buy shortcake. Eat it messily for the sugar and energy. Dust the plate off whilst leaning forward over her legs, and pretending to be distracted with something else.

Double points if you can do it whilst she's talking, so she can't react on camera.

seethe inwardly. The traditional English method of conflict resolution.
Was on a train once when a fellow traveller had a very loud personal stereo. Very posh-sounding woman opposite (nb not having a go at posh-sounding folk, just setting the scene) then started making loud remarks - "why doesn't someone say something to him? We're all so British aren't we" etc etc until she was more irritating then the original noise.

BTW I (and half the carriage) have been known to join in loud phone convos of the type that make you question why the person concerned wasted money on a phone as the recipient could surely hear them without needing it.

Loudly scratch your 'fleas'

Take your shoes off and scratch your feet

Scratch your bottom...

Sniff a lot. With choking noises.

Join in the conversation

Be as loud, disgusting and obnoxious as you can.

Hold your phone is such a way as to make her suspect you might be filming her. Hopefully she'll move.

When my children are being irritating I sing "bloo bloo blah bloo bloo" jazz style as they talk. Try that.

As for the crumbs? ibitch

I'd ring my DH and have a conversation with just sentences like:

"Need to get something to get rid of the smell before neighbours realise."
"Did you get that shovel and bleach?"
"She had it coming."

I would walk up behind her very slowly and stare into her screen, so her friend can see you. Just keep a completely blank face, maybe widen your eyes just enough so you look unstable. Hopefully she will make some excuse that she has to go, then you can whizz back to your seat and she won't want to ring again.

But this is exactly why I hate Starbucks and only go in (eggnog or pumpkin spice latte) when we have to go somewhere via motorway and stop at services.

Buy another one of their ridiculously over-frothed coffees. Make sure it's nice and tepid, just the way they make it. Get back to your seat (which you've obviously left covered with your coat just in case iWoman wants to nab it) and blow on the foam, really fucking hard, so it hits iWoman square in the iFace.

Apologise slightly less than effusively . For extra points 'help' her clean up by dabbing ineffectually at her with a napkin, preferably smearing chocolate powder around her face.

Obviously I've never done this and REALLY don't recommend that you do it either, but it's a remarkably satisfying scenario to run through in your head

After half an hour of this, the person she was speaking to came to join her, also clutching an iThing and talking loudly at it. They then proceeded to inform each other via iThing that "I can see you!! I'm just round that pillar! Hiiiiiiiiiii!!!" long after they could fucking SEE EACH OTHER and hear each other without the benefit of technology. They then engaged in the sort of elaborate and effusive greeting that you might see in some sort of tragic drama. And have now left, needless to say iWoman did not consider it necessary to put her empty cup in the rack.

Oh well. She has now gone. All that remains are the muffin crumbs.

I am now going to enjoy the remnants of my coffee and the canned Christmas choons.

Obviously don't ACTUALLY eat the bogeys, Laura!! Just pretend, like.

Your great chance was with the muffin crumbs. Withering look/Paddington Bear hard stare and a pointed re-brushing of your person towards her.