To jam this woman's iThing up her arse?

[LauraMipsum]

Picture the scene: I am in the midst of an attempt to get DD (12months) to sleep in her own cot. This involves being awake and holding her hand patiently for a couple of hours every night with DP and I taking turns. I haven't slept a full night in a year and this week is going to suck rocks as it's going to get worse before it gets better. She was awake 2-5am the last two nights.

I am working FT. I am in the fortunate position of being able to dick around on MN work away from my desk between meetings, as I'm self employed, so I've taken advantage of the wonderfully comfy sofas in Starbucks to come and caffeinate heavily, consume my own body weight in sugar, and snooze slightly.

Despite there being EVERY OTHER comfy chair in the place free, a woman has chosen to sit RIGHT opposite me, and then conduct a loud FaceTime conversation on her iThing. No headphones, so I can hear both of them. And it keeps dropping in and out so they have to keep ringing each other back and she won't answer until it's rung for about 20 seconds with the most annoying ring tone she could find. They're not even talking about anything interesting or eavesdrop-worthy (not that it's eavesdropping if you would need noise cancelling headphones to avoid hearing it). In fact this is one of the most smug, vacuous conversations I've ever heard.

I have half an hour to do nothing before dragging my sleep-deprived self off to tedious meetings and she is RUINING it. [weeps]

WIBU to reach over, remove the iThing and insert it somewhere personal? Or at the very least, drown it in the loo?

[NB for the extremely literal I am not actually planning to commit an assault upon her person or indeed criminal damage on her iThing. I'm just peeved.]

Movingon brilliant. Complete with jazz hands?

Scrambled I am actually slightly crying with sleep-deprived laughter at that. It would be like a shaving foam pie in the face. iFace. Bwahahahaha.

No it's more of a moody feel, almost scat.

I take my annoying my children art very seriously

I am also having a big chuckle at blowing foam in her face. Fucking genius

You're much more restrained than me. I'd have told her to shut the fuck up and given her a death glare.

Christmas tunes already? That alone would have made me leave.

I quite like christmas tunes

But you haven't answered the important question OP - did her friend's new haircut suit her clothes? I have to know!

She looked completely fine to me. She was wearing clothes and had some hair that was neatly styled. I hadn't realised until today that hair COULD match clothes!

Sorry Laura, I am a Christmas curmudgeon.

[has brainwave]

I could have just sung along to the christmas tunes, that would have moved iWoman along sharpish!

Though I suspect that would be VVVVVVVU by most standards. Blowing foam in face, appropriate, infliction of christmas tunes in November, cruel and unusual.

Hahaha this thread has made me

Friend of mine regularly deals with people having loud public phone conversations by making it blatantly obvious that she's listening in, nodding and smiling, laughing if person her end makes a joke, looking serious if it sounds serious, tutting where appropriate. Ultimately they always get massively offended and move away or finish the conversation.

You would definitely not be unreasonable.

I don't mind people having phone conversations around me, but there are some people who have particularly penetrating conversations, making it impossible to concentrate on anything else.

Once a week I am confined to a small waiting area outside a children's activity with a woman who appears to have no ability to entertain herself without ringing everyone she knows 'for a chat.'

'A chat' involves her talking non-stop, for anything up to the full forty-five minutes of the activity, about everything she's done recently, what Bob said to Mavis about everything she's done recently, what her mum thinks about everything she's done recently, how everything she's done recently fits into her general outlook about life (which seems to be mostly that she's special and unique and generally a bit different to everyone else), and everything she thinks she might do in the near future, inspired by everything she's done recently.

When she finishes one conversation, she then immediately rings Bob or Mavis or her mum or one of the million and one other people she's just mentioned, and tells them what the previous call-ee thought of everything she's done recently.

All of this conversation is conducted at full volume, so that everyone around her has to give up any attempt to talk at normal volume and either scream over her, or sit in cowed silence. She fairly often screams in that 'OMG YOU"VE GOT TO BE KIDDING' kind of way.

She has recently been asked by the staff to please please shut the hell up hold lengthy conversations outside, so we'll see if things improve. Otherwise ramming her phone up her backside is a distinct option. Or possibly crying and begging.

Once a week would do my head in kungfupanda

I would take the sound advice of scrambled and blow latte foam in her face. While playing Benny Hill music.

I've just been reminded of the man with the strong Burnley accent who nattered away phone for half an hour in a motorway service station, loudly conducting a hugely inappropriate but oddly dull conversation with a mate while a younger man (colleague?) sat mutely opposite him.

He kept punctuating his one-sided conversation with "Hokey-Cokey" . Clearly everyone around us was as irritated as we were, because when he finally hung up there was a ragged cheer

Oh how I wish I'd been near enough to punch latte him.