AIBU To have 6 year old stop crying before I start timer for time out?

[dipdapispants]

When 6 year old misbehaves I put him in time out. Every time he will tantrum and cry. He knows how long he has to sit there for. I don't start the timer until he is completely silent and sitting still. If he makes a sound, widgets, gets up I start the timer again. Sometimes he can be sat there 2 or 3 times longer than the set time.

Am genuinely don't know if this is the right thing to do?

How often do you do time out? Does it even work if you're doing it all the time and have been for a long time?
I have a 6 year old. He can get quite upset easily when told off especially if misunderstood. So I like to check first before taking next steps.
I don't use time out except to calm down. Doesnt really work IMO.

Everyone has different rules so no right or wrong about it. But fwiw I used the same principle with both dc so yanbu.

Hmmm well I don't think it's unreasonable to wait for him to stop tantrumming as such as he needs to be able to hear your explanation, but I think restarting it every time he fidgets or makes any sound at all is a bit much. 6 year olds still find it very hard to sit still so I think that as long as he isn't getting up from the seat then I would let that go, and if he was crying a bit to himself rather than screaming at me or trying to talk to me or others then I also wouldn't start again

Personally I don't like time out. However i do think yabu and his time should start from whenever he's sitting in the right place whether he's having a paddy or not. You do need him to be calm for the apology though not angry after the time iyswim.

do you need a timer?
my 5yo still throws the occasional tantrum, and we just force ask her to leave the room and come back in when she's a bit calmer and ready to listen. sometimes it's 10 seconds, sometimes 10 minutes.

I think it's a big ask for a small child to control their emotions that well when they are already upset about whatever has led up to it. I would expect the timeout time to be used partly for that calming down time.

But, all children are different, my youngest has always had immense control over her emotions, my eldest is the exact opposite and clearly suffers a maelstrom of emotions when she's upset.

Also wondering what you are using timeout for and how often?

I'm a big fan of time out. Its not necessarily just a naughty thing its a if you're overwhelmed and need to take a break thing.

My eldest is Autistic and at 12 he now used time out as a self management teqnique at school and home, its very effective. He knows if he's getting really tense because of bunsen burners in science and if he catches himself starting to get overwhelmed asks to leave the room.

My middle child is nine and occassionally he'll do something that makes me angry and i'll ask him to sit somewhere quiet for a few moments until I'm feeling calm to deal with him and he's composed himself to discuss whats happened.

My youngest us 4 and I don't discuss why i'm asking her to have a time out until she's quiet. Sometimes this takes longer than the time out would be. I need her calm to discuss whats happened and then its decided whether she sits out what ever activity for a form of punishment, if a sorry is sufficient or if things just got a bit het up and a few moments out of the situation has resolved it.

Are you doing the whole getting down to childs level and discussing why you've asked them to have time out before starting the timer?

Nope ... This is the time for reflection. We ask them to think about why they are on the step and why the behaviour was 'steppable'
If they are not listening then they are not reflecting. Time starts again!!!!

Works really well for our kids xx

I wouldn't.

Not because I'm nice, but because all the while you're reacting to/waiting for his crying he's still controlling the situation with bad behaviour.

With DD1 I stick her out in the hallway and ignore her for a bit, and then ask her if she's finished her paddy. She'll either say yes nicely or scream at me- in which case I close the lounge door again and leave her to it.

Hmm. Time out wasn't really a 'thing' when my son was little, but I thought the idea was for it to give the child to calm down and de-escalate the situation, after which time it can be talked over and any suitable discipline decided. If you're not even starting the time out until after he's calmed down, then you're using it as a punishment and that is going to throw up its own issues.

Time out is less popular than it used to be.......

time.com/3404701/discipline-time-out-is-not-good/

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/encountering-america/201409/the-problem-time-outs-0

......but if you must use it, I would think it should be as short as possible.

That psychology today article is interesting. The concept of timeins where you remove a child from a situation and calmly love and reason them through their anger its very very similar to time out in my home scenario.

Its interesting that the writer talks of time outs that they have requested of their DC in anger and sometimes its needed for the adult to pause as much the child.

Children are not our little friends they need boundaries and we are not perfect, calm rational people at all times especially when buttons are being pushed.

I'm always open to new approaches. If you're tired and one of your DC is ruining a game of a sibling or stropping because its not their turn how do you calmly, rationally, quickly resolve the situation?

But isn't the point of time out to allow them to calm down? I'm not entirely sure I understand your rationale for making him stay quiet before you even start the timer - let alone insisting he sit in silence the whole time.

If my DD has time out, then she's often quite cross about it initially. That's fine IMO. I leave her to it and tell her to come and find me when she's calmed down. They we have a chat about her behaviour.

Yes, YABU

I'd say YABU. They are already upset at their uncontrollable emotion and need help handling that. Knowing that you will keep persevering until compliant just alienates them further. It sounds like they're scared/resisting the time out itself.

I'd try to change the focus to understanding/helping through the tantrum, or encourage a safe space. Think abut what you want - do you want it to be a battle of following an arbitrary rule about fidgeting or do you want them to learn to manage their emotions/behaviour.

It's very controlling to force someone to sit still for 6 minutes. And keep putting the timer back if they don't comply. Very frustrating for the child.

We don't time. We ask them to leave the room and sit on the stairs until they have calmed down and are ready to speak politely and listen.

Yabu

Too strict in my opinion.

We don't do time out though, as I feel it belittles the child.

If my 6 year old needs time to reflect then I'll ask him to chill out somewhere until he's calmed down.

If my 2 year old needs to calm down then she comes and sits with me or next to me for a bit.

All this timing and making sure they're in a specific spot like the stairs sounds very stressful and unatural.

I'd hate for anyone to firce me in to time out. As an adult I will remove myself from the situation. I am encouraging my children to do the same off their own steam.

At 6 i would probably do go to X place until you can stop crying and behave, then get an apology when they get up OR do the timer then when it goes off tell them that they can come back when they have stopped crying/whining and leave them to it

at little shit step! May as well call it that if you're going to call it the naughty step. Hate that term!

I'd hate my husband to tell me to go cry elsewhere when I'm distressed, and then in top of that when I came to him to talk for him to send me away again as I was still feeling wobbly and fidgetty.

I'd really recommend the How to Talk books if you've not seen them...

Tantrum mind I would wait to stop I wouldn't stop crying though as I teach my dd it's ok to let her feelings out. If she needs to cry that's ok she shouldn't feel she has to bottle things up to speed up a punishment