AIBU To have 6 year old stop crying before I start timer for time out?

[dipdapispants]

When 6 year old misbehaves I put him in time out. Every time he will tantrum and cry. He knows how long he has to sit there for. I don't start the timer until he is completely silent and sitting still. If he makes a sound, widgets, gets up I start the timer again. Sometimes he can be sat there 2 or 3 times longer than the set time.

Am genuinely don't know if this is the right thing to do?

What's time out trying to achieve? Is it working?

Or is it just punishment for punishment's sake?

Sounds a bit pointless to me but I guess it depends on what you're trying to achieve.

I must admit I feel uncomfortable reading your OP. It sounds a really cold and twisted way of using the naughty step. An upset 6 year old has to sit in frozen silence for a sustained time on your command? I really think there is something wrong with that. That's not normal parenting imho.

I don't think it's silly to compare children and adults. Yes children react differently as they struggle to control their emotions -some adults do too!- but it is our job to teach them how to deal with this in a calm and safe way.
Getting cross because they won't stop crying, and trying to make them sit somewhere for a set amount of time ( and who decides what time length is approriate?.... Super nanny?) is no way to treat anyone regardless of age.

I don't read anything in the op about being cross. I see consistency in the approach and questioning it as an approach. The op clearly calls it time out and not naughty step too.

It also doesn't say in the op whether they are sat comforting and calming whilst the child calms before the time out time starts.

I bet she's not happy!

Or atleast frustrated with the battle

I have nothing useful to say really because obviously we do need to find ways to teach our Dc how to behave and there's no perfect answer, but I do fear that future generations will go at our use of time out etc, in the same way that we see the smacking our parents' generation did.

My Dad, who's a big softie and never, ever wrong feels strongly that telling children what they've done is so awful we need them away from us/where we can't hear them etc is far more damaging that an short sharp smack.

Also agree that any punishment you have to use often isn't working.

I used to call it thinking time. "Sit quietly and think about how you could have done that better". Seemed a bit more constructive to me, but who knows what the right way is.

calmly love and reason them through their anger I don't honestly think this can work until they are old enough to be reasoned with!

In the middle of a full-blown screaming tantrum, they can't actually hear you properly, let alone focus on what you are saying.

I do think this sounds too strict :(

Only thing that works: Ignore bad behaviour , reward good behaviour . Naughty step shennanigans is giving masses of unhelpful attention to unwanted behaviour. The whole rigmarole becomes ridiculous.

My 6 year old hasn't had a tantrum since he was about 4. I thought this was normal? I thought they'd grown out of tantrums by this age, and can be reasoned with?
Have I got a shock to come with my 2 year old?!

I think the restarting if he shows signs of being upset still is horrible and patently unreasonable.

I don't really like naughty steps (or timed punishments of a similar nature) but the restarting for fidgeting or making noise it way too much.

Thank you for all of the comments. I genuinely didn't know if I was right or not. The timeouts are for not listening mostly which is resulting in bad behaviour. If I'm telling him over and over again to stop doing something like hurting his sister, being rough etc and he isn't listening what do I do? I sometimes ask him to repeat what I have told him and he hasn't got a clue what I asked him to do! Its constant all day.

I do agree that something like hurting a sibling is something that needs to be dealt with in some way. I wouldn't advocate ignoring it. Can I hijack the thread and ask how most people deal with that? My DS is only 21 months so at the moment I just move him away (immediately) if he hurts or is rough with his sister or another child, but wondered what I might do if he does it when older. DD is 7 so it wouldn't (or certainly doesn't) happen the other way about.

Her main "thing" was always... I don't want to say tantrumming, but also I know people don't like the word meltdown unless they have asd. Just getting uncontrollably upset about things she couldn't change. My main tactic has just been to go away myself until she calmed down rather than putting her in time out.

Also refusing to leave stuff like playdates, for which the consequence can be a missed treat in the near or immediate future.

She has never been a rough child (and had no siblings when younger). Being unkind to another child is the thing I would really want to deal with effectively so wondered if people have recommendations.

My eldest is Autistic and youngest under assessment but their tantrums/ meltdowns/ overwhelmed episodes i handle in the same way as I did for DS2 who isn't on the spectrum.

I remove them from the situation for somewhere calm and often hug them until the sobbing subsides and they are able to discuss whats gone on, accept some blame if they've hit/ pinched/ taken something, or just calm enough to go back to play. But it is time out of the situation. I don't plonk and shout I remove, reassure i want to talk to them but don't talk to a screaming child or completely ignore.

Distraction is obviously good and if they're starting to kick off leaving the playbarn or someother fun activity a bit of loud positive talk can bring them round and help make it clear that no matter how much they complain you are in control and you're leaving. Things like ' I am looking forwards to seeing who can jump the furthest on the way home, who can run the fastest, who can find the biggest leaf, who can splosh in the biggest puddle, who can name the most animals. I bet DD will beat me I know shes a really good at jumping/ sploshing etc'

Warning that you're going to be leaving and giving them an element of control can help. So a five minute warning we're going to leave soon so which things do you want to quickly do before we go? I.e. Go down the slide, jump in the ball pit. Then praise them through each last achievement so leaving is positive and they've chosen and got to do the things they wanted. As they get older you can say five turns and they chose the five. Any arguing and you can always say 'anymore nonsence and you'll be down a turn or times waisting you'll run out of time.'

DD can meltdown for several hours. I don't sit with her the whole time but do regularly hug her and make soothing noises whilst she squirms and thrashes on the floor (oh the delights of a meltdown). There is a sort of safe hug where you sit cross legged with them in your lap facing out and can cross one leg over theirs to calm the thrashing. With DS1 he was tall and would head but me. I'm sure my bose broke at one point. DD is smaller so she headbuts my chest and is easier to deep hug. They've both got very high pain thresholds so injure themselves without noticing. DD squirmed into the wall once and was banging her head against it. Its horrid, but you k ow it will pass.

DD is only a toddler, but she gets the same timeout whether she's crying or giggling ok I deliberately keep her in longer if she's laughing until the corner is no longer fun. I don't do timers. It's pretty subjective until I feel she's done her time (usually around 30-90 seconds, but DH has kept her in one for about 7 minutes because she kept up the same behavior after previous timeouts).

I don't use it for a punishment for throwing a tantrum though. I deal with those by letting them run their course so long as she doesn't throw or hit.

I use timeout for when she's deliberately disobeying and doing something she's not suppose to, and she gets a warning first. Sometimes she stops dead in her tracks, sometimes she laughs and does it just to test me.... and then screams bloody murder when I plunk her in the corner like I'm murdering her.

"I'd hate my husband to tell me to go cry elsewhere when I'm distressed, and then in top of that when I came to him to talk for him to send me away again as I was still feeling wobbly and fidgety."

The difference is, adults usually only cry when they are genuinely distraught about something pretty serious.

Kids cry when they can't get their own way. When someone else has a bigger slice of cake than them. Because they want to bonk their baby brother on the head and mum won't let them. Because their cookie was broken. Because their parents wouldn't let them play on the iPad for 16 hours without a break. Because they don't want to go to bed. Etc. etc.

Some people on this thread really need to get a grip. I am not surprised I see so many out of control kids around. Punishment is not supposed to feel nice. If it feels pleasant or neutral, it will have no deterrent value.

I really wouldn't ask a question like that on here tbh for fear of making myself feel like a crap parent, WHATEVER it was I was doing. You do what you do. I mean, unless you're being abusive (and I would suggest making someone sit on the stairs or whatever isn't) just make your mind up and stick to it, I say.

You know your son best. If you think he's crying because he's pissed off at being told off that's different from being genuinely upset about something - I reckon you use your own judgement on that. If someone was genuinely upset I wouldn't put them in time out at all. But then, I don't use time out at all and I'm happy with that too!

If my 6 year old is antagonising my 2 year old (he hasn't ever hurt her) then I remove my 2 year old from the situation and give her lots of attention like play a game with her. So my 6 year old gets a chance to calm down without me having told him, also he gets to see that his behaviour has singled him out. He usually comes and joins in with us after a while, or takes himslef off to his room for a bit.

If it is my 2 year old doing the antagonising ir hurting my 6 year old then I explain to her about being gentle, then I'll change their activity and involve both of them. She doesn't need to sit and reflect as she's only 2.

My children aren't unruly.

My 2 year old is just starting her tantrum stage. I either ignore or sit with her, depending on the situation.