to live rent-free in parents' home

[yakketyyak]

My mother died a year ago and my father has advanced dementia and lives in a 'memory care' home. I have one sister who lives near my father and I have two brothers who, like me, live very far away. A year ago I decided to move to live near my father and help out my (retired) sister who bears the brunt of stuff to do with my father's care. My sister travels a lot (for weeks on end) so I am the constant presence. My job is flexible, as is my hubby's, so off we went with teenage son in tow.

So we now live in my parents' former home. No one's planning to sell it until our father passes (he's 90) and no one feels like renting it out. So... aibu to live in it rent-free for 2-3 years while helping spruce it up for eventual sale, visiting my father twice a week and paying all the utilities and other bills? Or might my siblings feel I'm taking advantage...? They are all v happy I've moved to be near our dad but sometimes I think I feel a weird vibe...

One thing I should add, I guess, is that none of my siblings is hard up money-wise.

In fact, is this a reverse?

I think a good idea is if his will dictates you and your siblings are to receive proceeds of selling the house once he has died, you could maybe come to an agreement you don't receive as much as your siblings as you have been living rent free in his house. You do need to however keep a note of all the expenses you pay in the house during refurbishment and you need to discuss this with you siblings. They might be fine with it and not care.

Brioche that scenario of charging dad for visiting is despicable behaviour it is morally abhorrent! You visit your loved ones because you want to out of love and care. You care for them for the same reasons but the council will pay you, however i don't know any carer who would say "I'm not looking after mum anymore the council won't pay me. the sum is pitiful it wouldn't pay the bills anyway.

"IF" Op is just visiting I don't think she should ask for rent free living there will be a lot of resentment and more importantly it is not right or fair.

Of cpurse YANBU. You are looking after the home and he is your dad. Why would your siblings be resentful. They should be happy you have stepped up to be a source of comfort to your dad while they are doing nothing for him.

mmm munkisocks my mother has done this with the parental home i don't think it's a good idea, i don't think I'd leave shares, because i come from what seemed like a close knit family but now i am seeing my siblings true colours.

Money spoils things, greed gets in the way for some individuals, even those that seemed sooo loving for decades

I think you need to sit down with all of your siblings and formalise the arrangement. Don't talk to them individually as it may put each of them on the spot to say 'no, no it's fine' when they don't really think it is.

You're not caring for your father, so effectively all you're doing is preventing the house being empty. There wouldn't be council tax to pay, and none of the other bills would be incurred as he's not living there.

If all your siblings agree that they would rather the house wasn't empty then I still think you should, in all conscience, pay some sort of rent into your father's account. It will eventually become part of his estate. If you don't, then you are benefitting hugely from your father's situation and it could cause resentment further down the line if you receive an equal share of the estate, or if you expect to be reimbursed for work done on the house.

If your own house is empty so that you can be near your father, things might be a bit different, as you won't be benefitting financially, but if you don't have another home, or if that home is rented out, then I think you're at real risk of reaping resentment at some point. Also, at this point in time, it's not your siblings who are relevant - it's your father. If he is unable to make an informed decision to allow you to live in his house free of charge, then it's up to you to do the right thing and pay some form of rent into his account.

I now wonder if it's a reverse, with the OP not answering questions about power of attorney and the mention that they only visit twice a week.

This is totally a reverse. Op come back, fess up and we'll forgive you

Sorry, what's a reverse in this context? The demented father is asking the question as if he were the daughter living rent-free?

Nope, it's one of the siblings (possibly the sister)?

The issues are
a) not paying rent means that money isn't in the estate to use towards your father's care or split between all heirs after his death.
b) if you are living there rent free it may become legally hard to remove you - I would not accept this situation if I were a sibling
c) if the house needs to be sold to finance your father's care, you would need to leave, and a) or b) could even mean that his quality of life ends up being lower than it otherwise would be because he can't access the necessary funds to keep paying care fees.

On the other side
a) you are keeping the house lived in (though, so would renting it out)
b) you are visiting your father twice a week and doing some admin on his behalf (that is lovely, but not a huge commitment compared to the 'caring' which his residential home will be doing)
c) you are doing up the property to increase resale value - what does this involve? are you paying a similar amount as you would in rent? can you demonstrate the actual improvement in house value?

Without knowing about any mitigating circumstances (such as legal documents forgoing 'squatters rights' or how much you are putting into the house), overall I think YABU

OP, my advice as a property lawyer is that you need to get an agreement formalised on paper ASAP.

There is nothing anyone here can tell you about what is 'reasonable' that will be of any use if the proverbial hits the fan.

What matters is a) what your father and/or siblings think is reasonable and b) getting that in writing, and signed.

I have seen too many families torn apart by what started as misunderstandings.