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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to live rent-free in parents' home

63 replies

yakketyyak · 09/11/2015 01:44

My mother died a year ago and my father has advanced dementia and lives in a 'memory care' home. I have one sister who lives near my father and I have two brothers who, like me, live very far away. A year ago I decided to move to live near my father and help out my (retired) sister who bears the brunt of stuff to do with my father's care. My sister travels a lot (for weeks on end) so I am the constant presence. My job is flexible, as is my hubby's, so off we went with teenage son in tow.

So we now live in my parents' former home. No one's planning to sell it until our father passes (he's 90) and no one feels like renting it out. So... aibu to live in it rent-free for 2-3 years while helping spruce it up for eventual sale, visiting my father twice a week and paying all the utilities and other bills? Or might my siblings feel I'm taking advantage...? They are all v happy I've moved to be near our dad but sometimes I think I feel a weird vibe...

One thing I should add, I guess, is that none of my siblings is hard up money-wise.

OP posts:
christinarossetti · 09/11/2015 07:39

That's true, although the Mental Capacity Act requires a proper assessment of this, not assumptions based on a diagnosis.

NerrSnerr · 09/11/2015 07:43

Who has power of attorney?

Does your dad have capacity to make this decision? Is it in his best interest for you to live there and is it the least restrictive option (for him)

How is he paying for care? Is there a possibility he needs to continue paying.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 09/11/2015 07:53

It sounds wrong to me, renting it yes but living rent free in a house beyond your means usually under the guise of helping your father is wrong.

From your sisters point of view you left her to do the bulk of the care and are now planning on taking advantage financially now that you've moved.

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 07:55

Sorry but I think you are taking the piss.if you were paying rent it would go into your fathers estate to be split between all the siblings. As it stands you are grabbing that money for yourself.
How is he paying for his care home? Won't his house eventually have to fund that?

Gazelda · 09/11/2015 08:13

I do think you are benefitting from this situation, although I can see that was not your motivation for moving into your father's home.
Your sister has cared for your parents for years, and then you move rent free when the level of care can be only 2hours a day at most? She would have the right to be pretty miffed.
And it's irrelevant that your siblings are financially comfortable.
What has happened to your former home?

Notoedike · 09/11/2015 08:19

I think you need to have a chat with your siblings. We have a similar situation brewing in our family but we have talked about it, in our situation we don't feel the need to extract rent for the family home. It will be sold when our parents die, possibly to our sibling.

Figmentofmyimagination · 09/11/2015 08:29

You should ask them if they mind. Openness is always best.

Check too with whoever has the lasting power of attorney.

Ask your dad. Not all dementia develops in the same way. In my mum's case, she had vascular dementia and right up to the end, most of the time, she knew who all her children were and understood what we were saying - just that she wasn't laying down any memories at all, so that the conversation disappeared instantly. She didn't have legal capacity, but it was still possible to have "chats" on good days about what she wanted - not to be ill, was what she wanted most of all, as I recall.....

southernskies · 09/11/2015 08:40

Another thing to think about is what will happen with the housing market in the next two-three years. I don't live in the UK so am a bit out of touch, but if things went up 20-30% how would that affect you? Of course they could also fall which would work in your favour but it is still a gamble.

I reckon it is worth having a proper chat with all your siblings about the situation though.

AnUtterIdiot · 09/11/2015 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorotheaHomeAlone · 09/11/2015 08:58

I don't think we can answer this really as there is no definitive right solution. If you were my sibling and were looking out for our dad when I was unable to and living in a house that would otherwise be empty I would be delighted and very grateful to you. Others would feel differently. You need to talk to them. Lay out your and, check people are on board, discuss alternatives if anyone is unhappy. I know it's awkward but it's really the only solution.

shovetheholly · 09/11/2015 08:59

I would have a chat with your siblings. If they are fine with it, and your father is fine with it, then there is no issue here. Personally, if I were in their position, I would be so bloody grateful that you'd stepped in to help that I'd be more than willing for you to have the place rent-free for a few years. Plus, empty houses are not happy places - all kinds of problems can start up, so having a caretaker to look after it is a benefit.

Also, getting a house ready to rent isn't that simple. Particularly if (like many older people's homes) it hasn't had much done for a while. Anyone who is a buy-to-let investor will tell you (ad nauseum Grin) how it's not just about taking a house and putting it on the market - there are a LOT of rules and regulations you have to meet, and sometimes a great deal of work that needs to be done to bring a property up to scratch.

I do think you need to be prepared to move out when the time comes, though - i.e. bear in mind that this is a short-term arrangement. Emotional attachment to a house can sort of sneak up on you so you'll need to be quite disciplined about there being an end to this arrangement in your own mind. Having a clear understanding with your siblings about the timescale for an eventual sale will be helpful here.

AlwaysHope1 · 09/11/2015 09:01

Well surely you should have discussed this with your siblings before you up and moved in??
We can tell you it's ok to carry on living there, but if you're getting weird vibes from your siblings then it's them that you need to ask.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 09/11/2015 09:28

I think you are doing them all a favour, in being available to help your dad (thus easing the burden on your sister) and in keeping the house secure and paying council tax etc.

Also, it is your father's house, not your sibling's. If he would be happy with this arrangement (and I know my own father would be), then really it has nothing to do with your siblings. In our family, whoever needs the help, gets it - there is no feeling that everyone has to be in exactly the same position financially or receive exactly the same amount of money/help from parents. I would never resent a sibling who was doing what you are doing, even if they were benefitting financially. I'd be grateful I dodn't have to rearrange my own life tbh.

NerrSnerr · 09/11/2015 09:37

We really can't answer unless we know whether the OP's dad is able to give consent to her living there. You can't assume he doesn't have capacity just because of a diagnosis. If he is unable to consent then does anyone have power of attorney for finances? If not I would be inclined to pay for an IMCA (your local mind or social services or Google IMCA and your area) to advocate for your dad and help make an impartial decision.

Katarzyna79 · 09/11/2015 10:02

OP didn't you say that your father is in a care home? Therefore he has round the clock care correct?

If he is getting care what is it that you do for him apart from visiting, which I don't want to knock, its very important but if you are not doing his daily care why should you stay in the home rent free?

I was offered my fathers place but there are 7 of us, and then my dad so 8 people. The house is in disrepair its disgusting beyond belief, the kitchen and bathroom do not exist. the bedrooms need their carpets ripping out. there is no garden its a box really. They want me to live in that mess as if they are doing me a favour? It got me really irate that dad was living there like that. they know very well if I moved in I would be forced to do it up and they would happily let me fork the bill, then take their shares when my dad passes away.

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 10:58

Also jut looed on the gov.uk website and it says people in a care home are exemp from council tax on their house if it is empty.

bluebolt · 09/11/2015 12:32

I would be very happy for one of my siblings, but the house over the road from me took seven years to sell due to one sibling living in the house and making the sale very difficult (at least four sales fell through). Shame as the lady who died was very family orientated and would of hated the fact her house caused the breakdown of family relations.

witsender · 09/11/2015 12:38

As he is in a care home, and presumably you will be carrying on working so not giving up your income I think you should be paying rent. If he was at home and you were providing care that would be one thing. What you pay in rent could go towards the cost of the care home?

harshbuttrue1980 · 09/11/2015 12:46

I think you're being unreasonable. You are only visiting him twice a week, so its not as if you're caring for him on a daily basis. If you visit him twice a week for an hour, you should have a discount on the rent at a carer's rate for the time you spend with him. Therefore, you should pay the market rent for the house, minus about £20 a week. Your Dad should get this money for treats for himself.

If you want to live rent free, then you should have your Dad back to live with you in his own home and look after him full-time - that would then be fair enough. Doing a couple of hours a week of visiting isn't enough to entitle you to live rent-free!

If you can't afford the rent on his house, then could you rent out the house and live somewhere cheaper? He could then get the income from the tenant.

christinarossetti · 09/11/2015 12:55

None of the siblings want to rent out the house....

arethereanyleftatall · 09/11/2015 13:03

You must have thought about this before you moved your whole family, including child's school.
In your siblings eyes, this would definitely be seen as 'Oooh look we can live there rent free' .
Of course this is completely nt fair on your siblings.
You need to either pay your dad, or if he doesn't need/want it, take a third reduction on the rent for you, and give the money for two thirds of your rent to your two siblings.
Visiting twice a week, does not equal caring for.

Helloitsme15 · 09/11/2015 13:12

YABVU
You are exploiting this situation to live rent free.

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 13:57

If you visit him twice a week for an hour, you should have a discount on the rent at a carer's rate for the time you spend with him

So in effect she should charge her father for visiting him!!There was near enough this exact same scenario in the news a few weeks ago and the judge called hgim a despicable human being or some such

Brioche201 · 09/11/2015 13:58

..and you should have discussed this with your siblings BEFORE you moved in , it is very difficult for them to naysay now,

Dameshazaba · 09/11/2015 14:19

I think you are being very unreasonable. You should be paying market rent, paid to your dad, which in the eventuality of his death he can leave to the beneficiaries of his will.
This should have been sorted before you moved in.
If does look as though you have been willfully short sighted for financial gain.
Legal documents should be drawn up stipulating that you do not benefit from being in situ.
If I was your sibling I'm not sure I could forgive you for this, should it continue.