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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Other than a restraining order I don't know what to do about my batshit mother.

34 replies

Onedirectionarestillloved · 08/11/2015 23:17

Posting here for traffic.
I have just a had a phone call from my mother, I really should be in bed,but can't go because I am so upset.

To cut a long story short I posted before and the unanimous mn desicion was that I would not be unreasonable to go nc with my mother.

It is hard to know where to begin but let's just say that she can be very unpleasant and seems to want to destroy my happiness.

The last time she came to my house and had an 'episode' resulting in my asking her twice to stop shouting at me and please keep her voice down ( dd2s friend was in our house at the time).
In desperation I spoke to my auntie( her sister) about it and when my mother next saw her, my auntie had a quiet word and suggested that she stop interfering in my life, stop passing her uninvited opinion about everything, otherwise she would lose me and my kids from her life.
Her response was to storm out of my aunties and not speak to her for a few months!

I did go nc but she , mainly through my dc, managed to weave her wAy back in.

I need to point out that I have not been to her house or instigated seeing her at all. Neither have I invited her to my house.

I did ignore her calls until she came into the house one day with dd2 after offering dd2 a lift.

So basically I have stopped communicating with her but understand the dc still want to keep in touch..

Anyway the lease on my Dp tenancy is up and the landlord is moving back into the property.

Just before finding out we had agreed to move in together so dp is going to move in with me and my dc.

We have waited and taken our time if I was alone we would have done this much earlier.

We are looking at all the furniture we have and I suggested that it might be best if I sell 2 single beds and we use dps double bed instead, dd1 is at uni.

No big deal in the scheme of things but somehow my mother has found out and rung me , now ranting and raving demanding to know why I an selling my dcs beds.

Am I planning on throwing them out of thehouse?
She wanted to know exactly why I am selling their beds, those were her exact words.

I told her s he was unreasonable ringing me up at this time of night asking questions which are none of her business.

She then proceeded to start screaming that it was her who had helped me out and I was making a huge mistake.

I again repeated that if I want to change the beds in my dcs room then it is none of her business.

She carried on shouting why am I doing it, am I trying to get rid of my children?!?!

Again I said no I am merely altering the furniture.

She makes me feel like I am a bad person who is moving sone kind of monster into my house.

I can hardly speak to anyone in rl because she is so bloody vile I have confided in 2 very close friends who have both said they are totally disgusted in what she has said and done in the past.

They cannot understand why she is like she is and have assured me there is nothing wrong with me.

I want to cry I feel like she us trying to poison the kids against ME and dp. Like she wants to drive a wedge between us.
Life is hard enough as it is without my own mother acting like a fucking she devil.
sorry this is long.
For Those of you who can remember she called me an alcoholic at my dds birthday party.

I am nothing like an alcoholic but she wanted dds friends to believe that I am.

Thanks if you've got this far.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 08/11/2015 23:20

Can't you get caller ID and just not pick up her calls?

Onedirectionarestillloved · 08/11/2015 23:22

Hi Kew yes I do have it and had stopped answering if she rang.
I didn't look who it was tbh as because I should be in bed I assumed , wrongly, it was an emergency so just grabbed the phone thinking something was wrong.

OP posts:
DontMindMe1 · 08/11/2015 23:22

block her number so she can't ring you. ban her from your house. she carries on - get a restraining order

Onedirectionarestillloved · 08/11/2015 23:26

I am going to have to go to bed now but thank you for answering.

8 just can't believe how someone who is supposed to love you is again making me so unhappy.
I am worried that she will try and poison my kids against me and dp like she has tried to do in the last.

She is also a bitch about their father. Yes he was a tit but he is their father and she can never respect that.
She also managed to kindly remind me that my ex h had done the dirty one eb, so of course my new partner will be exactly the same.

OP posts:
FortuneVomitsOnMyEiderdown · 08/11/2015 23:32

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.

Having been through similar with a family member who would take great joy in inventing family emergencies to disrupt my life, I would suggest that you now shut down all avenues of communication with her, keep your children away and change all means of her contacting you.

Specifically I would be looking at blocking her and anyone who may share this info with her on social media, I would look to change telephone numbers and explain in age appropriate terms the NC with your children. You have a right to live your life as you see fit, and providing your children are happy with your DP moving in, it concerns nobody else.

NC is incredibly hard but there is no reasoning with this type of person. They have no concept of how damaging their behaviour is, or even that you will now not sleep as a result. More than likely, your mum will be tucked up in bed oblivious to how she makes you feel, all the while thinking she did the right thing by interfering in your life.

I hope you're able to get some rest this evening. Flowers

TiredButFineODFOJ · 08/11/2015 23:44

Hi Op,

It sounds really tough on you. Never be afraid to hang up on a phonecall you don't like....if she calls again and you accidentally answer, just hang up. And unplug. And put in the freezer just to be sure.

Unreasonablebetty · 09/11/2015 00:11

Op I'm sorry you are going through this, she sounds quite similar to my own mother,
I am NC with her, which means that I also need to be NC with the rest of my family, because they either pointedly took her side and the others then felt she had been victimised in the fact that I was getting on with life without her.

The best thing I did was change my phone number so they couldn't contact us again. In the coming six months I will also be moving.
Do all you can to keep her out of your life, and take the time to explain to your children that you are only changing around furniture, you are definitely not trying to shoo them out of the house.
I do want to ask though, where did she get the information that you were replacing the beds from? Try to discuss with the kids if they feel you were trying to get rid of them by changing the beds... Seems like she's trying to play on any insecurities your kids may have. Use this time to reassure them.

Fizzielove · 09/11/2015 00:15

This sounds awful for you and u the sounds of it YWNBU to go NC. When you move can you avoid her from getting your new address and also change your phone number and be ex- directory, that wil surely make it more difficult for her to contact you and give you grief about things that are none of her business!! Good luck! Flowers

Ataraxy · 09/11/2015 00:43

You must have a discussion with your DCs to explain the bed situation and also to reassure them that you are not throwing them out.

I would also recommend telling them a little about how nasty grandma is to you. Something like grandma isn't kind to me so be not to worry if she says nasty things to you about me, and to check with you if they're worried about anything they have heard. This needs to be handled carefully but you really need to give them a heads up to any badmouthing from grandma.

Blocking her number definitely. [Flowers]

Ataraxy · 09/11/2015 00:43
Flowers
pluck · 09/11/2015 07:34

You can't have told your children what she's really like, or they would never listen to her.

Get that restraining order, and record her phone calls. You may not be able to use the recordings legally, but you can for your DDs. Ask if they want granny to turn this sort of fury on them.

Aussiemum78 · 09/11/2015 07:50

Change your number. Change your email. Any avenue of communication.

And you need to explain it to the kids in an age appropriate way or she will use them to get to you. Even if you leave contact up to them, if they are old enough, but foster a relationship where they know they can tell you if she upsets them or say no if they want to.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 09/11/2015 11:00

Thanks for your messages.
I've been tempted to phone her up and give her apiece of my mind but won't because she would probably enjoy provoking me.

I'm going to speak to ghd did and reassure them.

Also I won't be communicating with her again .
The dcs are old enough to go alone but I will speak to them about her. I have been very diplomatic on the past about her but I don't think I can play it down any more.

It's quite embarrassing admitting go people just how mad /bitter/nasty she can be.

OP posts:
Paintedhandprints · 09/11/2015 11:55

Definitely reassure your dc about the bed situation. I would be concerned about what she is saying to them about you. I would also try to give them a bit more information about the kind of things she has done. Your dc sound old enough to form their own opinions. Toning down her behavior will only damage you and your relationship with dc.

Ohfourfoxache · 09/11/2015 12:04

How old are your dc?

pluck · 09/11/2015 13:37

If the DC are old enough to see her on their own, they're also old enough to shun her on their own, too, and that would indeed be a suitable punishment for her behaviour!

Onedirectionarestillloved · 09/11/2015 16:48

DC are 18 17 and 13.

Yes I have probably underplayed what she has done and said.

Time to stop that I think.

OP posts:
RatherBeRiding · 09/11/2015 16:58

I wouldn't be at all surprised if your DC weren't already aware of the extent of the problem and equally I wouldn't keep underplaying it. They have a right to know and to deal with the information in their own way. They may well be quite relieved to have it all out in the open and to have "permission" to talk about it and decide their own course of action with regards to your "D"M.

spooforbrains · 09/11/2015 17:51

Hi, excuse me barging in, I hope you don't mind.

I've had a similarly tempestuous relationship with my mother in the past. The approach that worked for me was to not engage at all when they start exhibiting unreasonable behaviour.

As soon as you feel an encounter (be it telephone or in person) go in a way you don't like, just stop engaging.

(On the phone - this is the easiest)
"If you continue to talk to me like that I'm hanging up"
"But why di-"
[click]

(In public, harder)
"If you continue to shout at me like that I'm going to leave"
"HOW COULD Y-"
[you get up and leave]

(At your house, hardest)
"If you continue to behave like that I'm going to ask you to leave my house"
"YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL I-"
"Please leave now"
"HOW COULD YOU"
"Please leave now"
etc.

Honestly, I've never had to do the last one, but the first two I'm very familiar with.

The end result is that either they start to behave more reasonably OR you just never speak to them again.

In my experience it worked very well, but there was a period of around eight years where we just didn't communicate. But I'd rather have no relationship and no abuse/stress than a relationship based on abuse and stress.

The key is (in much the same way you would with a child) is to lay out the consequences for them not behaving reasonably, and then follow through. It's a shame when you have to treat an adult like a child, but sometimes there's no other way.

Also I would say your children are old enough to know the truth about the situation. She will use them to try to get round you.

Onedirectionarestillloved · 09/11/2015 18:58

Hi all .

It is ashame it has come to this but in all honesty when I stopped seeing her or speaking to her before after the initial loss I felt, I actually felt better.

I just can't accept what she has done.

She has already phoned my dd1 and dd1 tried defending her grandma to me. I have had to be blunt with dd1 and tell her that I will no longer communicate with her grandma.

She tried to say that grandma didn't say the things she did to me, but I have reassured her that she did and under no circumstances am I going to allow her to undermine me ever again.

I also reminded dd1 about the time grandma called me an alcoholic infrobt of dds friends and that not only is it a lie, it is a nasty lie to tell people.

I am going to leave it up to the dcs whether they acknowledge grandma but make it clear that I won't be neither will I be assisted any visits etc and grandma is not to come to my house again.

Thanks for the replies.

Oh and grandma has also listed all the good things she has done to help me, financially, to dd1 apparently.

I have had to point out to dd1 that no matter how much money someone gives you., it can never excuse them speaking to you like a piece of scum.

OP posts:
Lostcat2 · 09/11/2015 19:13

Good for you op. Well done and good luck.

Ataraxy · 09/11/2015 23:11

Well done OP. Nice firm boundary there which will give your DD1 something yo think about.

Have you looked up Narcisistic personality disorder? There's a website called Lights House that may be useful for you to read. There may be some strategies there to help you particularly re grandma getting in first to tell her side in her way to DCs.

ThisOldFool · 10/11/2015 02:55

Hi, I'm really sorry that you're going through a particularly nasty kind of hell. I also have strong reservations about letting your DCs maintain contact with their GM. I would ask the older two who they believe, you or their GM? I would bar the youngest from any contact. It might also help the older two to talk to your sister about their GM. I'm not sure your mother is evil but sure as hell she should mind her own business. Perhaps there's some family history behind her behaviour, or mental health issues? But you're quite right to go NC.

Cicero7 · 10/11/2015 03:48

If the DCs are adults (one is at uni) surely it's up to them whether or not they maintain contact with their grandmother.

I haven't seen the other threads so can only go off the information in this one. However, to play devil's advocate, your DM may think that you had a relationship with someone whom you now accept was a problem, and she doesn't want you to make the same mistake again.

She does appear to have a bond with your DC and perhaps she is picking up from them a notion that you want to move the new man in and the DC out - hence the concerns about the beds.

What is your DC's relationship with DP like?

I get the impression that your DM cares about you and your DC very much but is probably going the wrong way about showing it.

I note that most PPs say go NC, but ask your self this - what if you were to go NC and your DM were to die unexpectedly. How would you feel? Would you think that you had made the right decision?

Senpai · 10/11/2015 05:59

Well done OP. Nice firm boundary there which will give your DD1 something yo think about.

This.

I would also stipulate that she no longer pass on what GM says to her as she is not a messenger owl and you don't want her in the middle of it. She's not to become GM's mouthpiece.