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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel really strange about X DH having a girlfriend

47 replies

Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 19:44

I know it is natural for us all to move on but I feel really weepy and low and lonely in a way I haven't for a while tonight, I guess the weather isn't helping.

I just feel like he's going to move on with his life in all sorts of exciting ways while I'll still be stuck around and probably always living in a cramped house and struggling with money and children and loneliness.

Is it normal to feel so odd and jealous? I'm not used to feeling like this and hate it,

OP posts:
BurtMacklinsWife · 08/11/2015 19:49

Very normal. It must feel horrible. I imagine that beyond the reason you broke up, you loved him and had great times. So of course you will feel sad, for the future you thought you'd have.

How long were you together?

ivykaty44 · 08/11/2015 19:53

Part of splitting up process is grieving for what could have been and moving on. Saying goodbye to your old life and making a new life for yourself...

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 19:56

We were together ages really - fifteen years which is a lot when I'm only 34 at the end of this month.

I sometimes feel I'm doing well at making a new life for myself and other times I feel terrible and like I'm doing an awful job! I feel so fat and unattractive, and I feel like I do nothing beyond child related stuff.

OP posts:
Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 08/11/2015 20:01

Perfectly normal. I felt the same accidentally seeing pics of my exH and his new partner (mutual friends on fB posted them) even though the split was my choice. I think it's part of mourning for the loss of the future together you once planned for.

donajimena · 08/11/2015 20:01

I always think this is a good thing in one way. Its the final hurdle. Grieve and get it out of your system
It bloody hurts though. Is he pulling his weight with the childcare?

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 20:03

Well, this is part of the problem as two of the children are so young they need to be with me really. And the eldest child is being manipulated by his dad a fair bit. I feel a bit pulled every which way just now.

OP posts:
BurtMacklinsWife · 08/11/2015 20:06

Oh, that is sad Sad You grew up together really, didn't you?

You must be kind to yourself. We are always our own worst critic, I'm sure you are very attractive. Allow yourself a few days of being sad, get it out of your system and cry if you need to. But once you've done it, pick yourself up, look forward and don't look back.

Are you on good terms at least?

Seeyounearertime · 08/11/2015 20:07

I feel so fat and unattractive, and I feel like I do nothing beyond child related stuff

This is what you change first then. Smile
I hear 'Spa days' are popular round here? (Dodges bullets)
But maybe find a night or two a week to do a class at the gym or swimming? I love swimming.

Change things you can that make you happy and don't worry about what you can't change, they'll change when they're ready. Smile

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 20:10

We aren't really Burt Sad I am trying really hard for the children but it isn't working.

I definitely need to lose weight, quite a lot of weight actually Blush

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 08/11/2015 23:38

It's only natural. Keep in mind that he's likely to encounter similar relationship problems though.

WRT feeling fat and unattractive... Jillian Michael DVD's. Particularly Body Revolution and Bodyshred sets. They will change your life. Far cheaper and more effective than hours spent at the gym and you can do them at home.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 07:18

Smile I'm a bit fatter than a DVD exercise thing making a difference!

OP posts:
mimishimmi · 09/11/2015 07:24

try... u might be surprised but u do have to be disciplined to follow at least 30 mins, 6 days a week

Shinyhappypeople9 · 09/11/2015 07:43

Hi leaving, it's perfectly normal. My ex was in Barbados with his new GF 12 weeks after we split up. Work on yourself first

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 07:56

I've never found exercise makes any difference to Weight loss really. Plus don't have a DVD player.

OP posts:
MrsClusterfuck · 09/11/2015 09:38

You're not alone leaving. Barely 5 months into our split and my ex is already on his second gf. I instigated the split but it doesn't make it hurt any less. We're not amicable either and it's affecting the DC. It's a very tough time.

Focusing on what you want is an old adage but you really need to otherwise you'll drive yourself nuts thinking of the 'fun' he's having.

Maybe treat yourself to a cheap DVD player? Smile

Wishful80smontage · 09/11/2015 09:44

This must be so hard as other poster said you did grow up together. Allow yourself time to be upset then get started on a plan.
Weightloss could make a huge difference- I lost 3 stone and felt like a different person my confidence was so much better- not just from a looks pov but I was more outgoing and made new friends- try a slimming group and see how it goes, then maybe join a fittness class something fun like Zumba.
Your ex is moving on but you are too OP- you can be happy too.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 11:18

I know, it's just weight loss is so hard - I've decided to stop breastfeeding a bit earlier than I planned to so I can do a VLCD; I feel a bit rotten on poor DD2 but then I do think I need to take things under control a bit. Have arranged to see lady later, so wil know the full extent of the damage then - think my weight is hovering around 13 stone Blush

I can't really get to anything like Zumba due to childcare issues, which is annoying as sometimes I do feel a bit penned in.

OP posts:
VocationalGoat · 09/11/2015 11:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bumbledumb · 09/11/2015 11:42

I've decided to stop breastfeeding a bit earlier than I planned to so I can do a VLCD

That sounds like a really bad plan to me. I don't see how starving yourself while trying to care for two infants is going to bring anything but misery.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/11/2015 11:43

Totally normal, OP. It's a weird mix because I did not want mine back (I'd ended it as he was being an arse), but it hurt to see him treat someone else so much better than he'd treated me. And even when you are the one to end things, it doesn't wipe away the years of history you have between you.

I hope this passes quickly, OP. But no, YANBU.

Thanks
MrsClusterfuck · 09/11/2015 12:25

It's a weird mix because I did not want mine back (I'd ended it as he was being an arse), but it hurt to see him treat someone else so much better than he'd treated me

This. A thousand times this. Often I find myself thinking 'why couldn't he have treated me like he does her?' and getting very bitter about it. If he had treated me better we would still be together.

Try not to become too fixated on your weight, OP. The stress of my breakup caused me to lose loads of weight and I'm certainly no happier. It can be easy to go a bit stir-crazy when you're stuck indoors with the kids night after night. Do you have anyone you can lean on for support?

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 09/11/2015 12:28

Is there any good reason why your ex DH can't look after his children for half the evenings, so you get some time to yourself?

It isn't fair that he is swanning off and dating while you can't get out at all.

Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 12:34

Thanks, ladies, it does help to have someone to talk to about it.

He did sometimes treat me well - other times he really didn't, if anything I'm a bit worried about his new girlfriend but we'll see ... she's only young (early 20s.)

My own family aren't alive. I know what you mean about the VLCD but I've got to do something, I'm meant to start work in January and none of my clothes fit.

OP posts:
Original poster
Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 17:39

Ughhh I am fat, I am really fat.

OP posts:
Rebecca2014 · 09/11/2015 18:33

What I found the hardest was how I was stuck 'holding the baby' while he got to go out again and live his life as a single, free man. It still gets to me, I have the stigma of a single mother who has to struggle while he has nothing stopping him. Men get see their kids once a week and be considered super dads.

The whole situation is unfair but we all just got get on with it... Time is a great healer but I am a year on and I cannot say the bitterness is gone..

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