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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really strange about X DH having a girlfriend

47 replies

Leavingsosoon · 08/11/2015 19:44

I know it is natural for us all to move on but I feel really weepy and low and lonely in a way I haven't for a while tonight, I guess the weather isn't helping.

I just feel like he's going to move on with his life in all sorts of exciting ways while I'll still be stuck around and probably always living in a cramped house and struggling with money and children and loneliness.

Is it normal to feel so odd and jealous? I'm not used to feeling like this and hate it,

OP posts:

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 19:05

I can't even say I feel bitter, exactly, as I want the children with me, I don't ever want them to go to him if I could choose - I just feel a bit sad I missed my chance to have a proper loving and respectful relationship, but maybe being honest that would never have happened anyway and at least I have my children.

I'm horrified by how much I weigh (13'7!!) but I am addressing that now and hopefully can shift a couple,of,stone in time for the new year.

OP posts:

tiredofbadwifi · 09/11/2015 19:12

That sounds really horrible :( Must be really hard if you have children too, do you mind if I ask how many? I hope it gets easier for you x

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 19:13

3 children. I'm sure it will get easier :)

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MagicalHamSandwich · 09/11/2015 19:29

What you're feeling is completely normal!

I left my XH about three years ago and had fallen out of love with him way before that. When he got married again two months ago I was a sobbing mess.

I might even have gone a tiny bit insane for a few days, treating myself to some ridiculously expensive and totally unnecessary very useful stuff and flirting outrageously with my married co-worker ...

In the end what really helped was having a good sob over an overpriced bottle of wine and acknowledging to myself that I was scared of ending up alone and ridiculously jealous because while it's obviously okay for me to fall out of love with someone they really ought to be pining after me until they die ... and then putting on my grown-up pants and convincing myself that I have ways and means of steering the former and need to really let go of the latter because at 33 I'm waaaaaay too old to be throwing adolescent hissy fits.

Also, I find that temporarily suspending my feminist principles and buying some extra 'slutty' lingerie and wearing it under my normal clothes tends to help me feel less unattractive when I'm not feeling gorgeous at all.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 19:31

That, unfortunately, would be putting silk undies on a sows arse! And I don't bother with bras these days.

Can't think why I am single

OP posts:

MagicalHamSandwich · 09/11/2015 19:50

You're single because you have standards, obviously - that's what I think 'divorced' stands for!

Doesn't have to be undies - just something small and not necessarily visible (but it can be, of course) that makes you feel a little better than your usual self. Other things that tend to work for me are eyeliner and my pair of thick, neon green and black wool socks. I feel invincible in these - though I bet if anyone ever spotted them under my boots they'd opine that 'ridiculous' might be more apt.

tiredofbadwifi · 09/11/2015 19:57

I hope it does :)

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 20:00

To be honest I think I will stay single for a very long time, if not the rest of my life. I won't be able to meet anyone else and I don't want to put the children through all that.

I guess it's just adjusting to a different kind of life - sometimes I feel quite happy and positive about it all and other times I feel very alone.

OP posts:

MagicalHamSandwich · 09/11/2015 20:11

I know it doesn't help - but a lot of us do! I certainly feel alone at times when I'm the only one to return to an empty flat at the end of the work day. That having been said: I've never felt lonelier than during the last few years of my marriage, so there's that.

If you stay single by choice that's completely legitimate - if that's not what you want it doesn't have to be that way. FWIW I'm a socially awkward stick insect wit's chronic foot in mouth disease and even I could get dates if it weren't for the fact that online dating depresses me beyond measure ...

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 20:15

Honestly, I wouldn't get any interest (trust me on this!) It's fine, but part of me would like for it to be a possible option if you see what I mean.

OP posts:

Parsley1234 · 09/11/2015 20:18

I've got a dad player you can have if you want it's blu tooth Panasonic pm me x

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 09/11/2015 20:19

That's fine thanks parsley - don't have a tv :)

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tiredofbadwifi · 11/11/2015 00:28

Don't be so sure about being single for the rest of your life. I mean if it's what you want, go for it and enjoy it :) But if not, remember people come along at the most unexpected moments. My partner is divorced with 2 dc and felt a lot like how you seem to. Neither of us have ever been happier. Don't give up hope :)

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 11/11/2015 07:00

I won't put the children through that, but thanks :)

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Shinyhappypeople9 · 11/11/2015 08:34

13.7 isn't huge. I was expecting you to say 25 stone or something.

MagentaHaze · 11/11/2015 09:08

Likewise, I thought you were going to say about 25 stone! Last year I weighed more than you and I'm now within the healthy BMI range and that's purely down to running 3 times a week, so you're definitely not too fat to exercise OP!

jamhot · 11/11/2015 09:25

I am with Shiny and Magenta* - from the way you were talking, I thought you were 20+ stone, not 13 stone!

I am the same weight as you, or at least I was 2 months ago. I've lost half a stone from doing Gillian Michael's Shred. I bought it on either Amazon video or Netflix (can't remember which as we have both), so it could be played on a laptop or tablet if you have one. It was about a fiver.

It's a decent workout and only 20 minutes, so I can fit it in while my DS is napping or at least half of it anyway .

Your size is nothing to be ashamed of. You need to figure out what will put a smile on your face and do that. I don't think your weight is the biggest problem here.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 11/11/2015 10:28

Hey, I really can't do DVDs as I have no TV and no DVD player and i'm not getting one because I know it would just gather dust

I am pretty overweight so i am doing this diet as you don't really have to exercise on it. I am on my third day now and it's going well - haven't broken it yet.

OP posts:

jamhot · 11/11/2015 10:39

I was trying to explain that there are streaming services where you can watch things and not need to have a dvd player.

Good luck with the VLCD. I am glad you are not exercising on it as, quite frankly, you wouldn't have the energy to do so.

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 11/11/2015 10:42

I know, and I was trying to explain that I knew I wouldn't do it :)

OP posts:

wowis · 11/11/2015 10:44

Hi op,
my xh left me when I was 6 months pregnant. He was then seeing a woman from work who eventually was playing happy families with my children (including my new baby once old enough..) so I know where you are reaeaeaelly well. Being pregnant then having just given birth I felt fat, hormonal, abandoned etc etc. Breast fed and clearly wasn't going to be anyones first choice girlfriend wise for a while.
It totally fucking sucked. But it absolutely gets better. I have a bond with my kids my x can only dream of I kept my dignity about it (only just.. alot of silently wishing for facial scarring to his girlfriend initially if im honest)
But now theyve broken up, she's wasted three years of her life on my xh (karma me thinks?)
And i'm happy living with my boyfriend (yes it can happen!)
You need to give yourself time and be kind to yourself. Look forwards not backwards, let this new girl have him, she's yet to find out what hes like...
and 13st 7 is bog all!!
I weigh more than that now and I've never bben happier circumstances wise..

Original poster

Leavingsosoon · 11/11/2015 13:28

Thanks - although given my height it does make me pretty obese to be honest. Still, am doing something about it now.

I'm a bit worried about his girlfriend. I just feel sorry for her.

OP posts:

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