To be very annoyed at DP for not being more considerate?

[AuntBess]

Hi all,

In a nutshell, I've been chronically ill for about 3 years now (my DP has been with for 2). Things moved very quickly and we were living together within 6 months, which has always been fine, no hiccups.

My issue is I'm not getting any answers medically, and although I've been fighting full force for years (and I've just about lost my sanity is some ways due to it), my DP has recently become very angry about it all and keeps taking out his frustration on me. He makes fleeting comments like "this is beyond a joke" or "it's like a never ending story with you". Or my personal favourite, "you need to get this sorted".

We've had two miscarriages in a row, and I'm currently going through my second as we speak. My DP hasn't been bothered in a sense that he didn't really regard them as babies anyway, but it bothers him that once again he has to tell family that everything has gone wrong, yet again.

Yesterday evening he told me that he's sick and tired of it all, and he just wants to hear some good news for once

I really don't know what to do! I'm trying, I've been badgering doctors for years. I've been suffering this way for years too, and no answers, no treatments. I can't say I haven't had any tests, I've had loads! But none of them can give me an answer. I've lost jobs over this, due to being unfit for the workplace. My mental health has been effected, because the last thing I want is to be sitting at home, I really DO want to work, but I cannot.

AIBU to say he should be more considerate of what he voices to me? I know it's hard for him, and he's a Saint for putting up with it all. But, people seem to forget I'm the one actually going through it all first hand.

I just don't know what to do, he seems so cold sometimes, yet I know he loves me deeply.

Could you not delay trying for a baby until you find out why you are ill?

It sounds like your body knows it's not the right time for you.

Your DP has been insensitive. Is he supportive of you when you're ill? He's not a saint for putting up with it, it's what a partner should do. It's how he treats you when times are tough that matters most.

It can be hard work to live with a DP who is constantly unwell and when their illness takes over other priorities in life. Since you don't have much past together where you both were together and you were well, perhaps your DP is waiting for that period to begin. I think he's running out of patience rather than being selfish.

You do need to explore new ways of getting yourself diagnosed. Once you have answers then a treatment can be planned and most importantly you have 'hope' for normalcy to return. Actually getting better is a longer journey which can be navigated together once you know what's wrong.

Hope you get answers soon.

Thank you for the lovely replies!

We aren't trying anymore, that's more to do with me not being able to cope with another miscarriage.

So do you think him running out of patience is normal?

I actually agree that partners shouldn't be given Golden medals for supporting their other halfs in times of need

I've been on both sides of this. DP and I have been together nearly three years and we've been through phases where each of us has had long periods of illness.

I will say that it is really hard being the one who has to give all the support. Your DP probably feels extremely frustrated because he can't help you. He has to support you, but in practical terms, he's pretty helpless and that's not a nice feeling. He's allowed to voice those concerns.

But he could pick a more logical time. While you're going through a miscarriage, you need support, not snide comments and sarcasm. He needs to support you now, and bring up his frustrations at a better time.

to both of you. I know it's not easy.

Thank you so much, TheBunny. I never want to play for 'poor me card' but other members of my family, including my DP, often word their concerns as if it's all about them, which is hard but I can understand it.

It is normal to lose patience. I have to bite my tongue when my mum doesn't take care of herself (goes out for a walk without umbrella, gloves etc, or eats banned foods) and then gets ill.

I think you should tell him how hurtful it is when he takes out his frustration on you and when he goes cold. He may not realise it's affecting you a lot.

Hope you get some answers soon and get better.

I have chronic pain in my back and I totally understand how wearing and exhausting it is to be in pain all the time. It affects all parts of your life and you can never just forget about it.

But I know it impacts on my DP, too. He gets frustrated that he can't DO anything to help. The pain is there no matter how many massages he offers, how many painkillers he buys and no matter how many heat pads he makes me. It's hard to be the one relied on for support, when in reality, the amount you can do is really limited.

Have you acknowledged that you know how difficult it must be for him?

It must be very hard for him. In the two years you've been together you've always been ill and he has that to contend with plus presumably has to do house stuff and earn enough for you both. That's a whole lot for a recent dating relationship.

I'd definately hold off trying for children, two years is nothing and with your health who will look after the baby?

After three years the doctors should have answers. If not, it may be worth going private for tests as the sooner the illness has a name the sooner treatment can begin.

The issue imo is all about your DP accepting that things are the way they are.
Saying that things are always going wrong with you means that he actually hasn't really got the idea that this is how it will probably be for now.

I say that both as someone who had to adjust to her DP with AS (and there was a lot of adjusting to do from realising it could be AS to fully accepting his 'quirks' and 'inabilities'- in the sense of things he can't do).
And as someone who has ME and needs some support atm (ie there is no way I can do a lot of HW, sometimes, I can't do any at all etc...).

My gut feeling is that he is n't accepting your illness and the limitations that go with it so is getting ressentful of what is compare to what what 'should be'.

It will only work if he learns to accept yoou as a whole person, with yur qualities and your imperfections, with what you can do and what you can't. Because these limitations are part of who you are at the moment.

I don't agree with the idea that there is some limit to compassion and how hard it is for the person helping. It's not them who are ill! If it's hard for them, imagine how hard it is for the person trying to get better but is getting no answer and is still feeling very poorly.

Sorry to hear you are ill. What do you think is wrong with you? Has there been any improvement recently?

As for DP he needs support just as much as you do.

I have a good friend whose DH is very, very ill. I don't know him, never met him. I support her. She is exhausted, powerless, stressed, uncertain about their/her future, worried, sad, guilty, frustrated that they never go anywhere or do anything - BUT it is her DH who is ill so she can never lean on him or express her unhappiness. She really needs our weekly meetings just for her.

Just because your needs are greater does not mean he has none. Cut him some slack. And good luck OP

I really don't think it's normal to loose patience unless you are expecting your partner to be perfect and to never have any issue/need any help.

Imo, that's the sort of attitude that causes so many issues to paeople with disabilities/chronic illnesses.

'It's normal to loose patience' actually means:
it's normal not to make an effort.
It's normal not to accept their issues. they should sort them out.
It's normal that I am not accepting things that aren't 'good enough' and make me change my expectations/the way I do things etc...

That's what the comments of her DP are actually saying. That in some ways it's her fault not to be well enough to do all these things.

Blue loosing aptience the way her DP is doing isn't the sam thing than needning support though.

In one case, you have someone who is trying her best and is burning out physically and emotionally.
In the other you have someone who is basically saying it's the OP faults if everything goes wrong. It's someone who is getting rid of their frustration onto the OP, onto the person that is ill. Who acceptable can it be?

The problem for him is that he's not known you before you were ill. At the beginning I assume he thought you would be diagnosed with something or other and then cured? He dived into the relationship without thinking whether he could cope if you weren't cured.

I wonder why you were both trying for a baby. If you're too ill to work, surely you'll be too ill to care for a child on your own. It's absolutely exhausting caring for a newborn baby - weren't you both worried that would make you worse?

I think it's very, very hard being a carer for someone and having to support them all the time. You do feel as though you are giving up your life for that person, because just as the person who's ill can't live the life they want, neither can the carer. If he had a bank of memories of you before you were ill, that might take him a long way, but he doesn't have that.

If you feel your family is 'making it all about them' too, maybe you have to look at the expectations you have of them (whether that's in terms of what they do or what you expect of them in conversation.)

I didn't see it as losing patience, I saw it as just wanting to hear some good news - and the tone is not much different from OP's. Both are exhausted, feeling low, losing hope.

I have been in both roles and it is horrible either way.

Good wishes to them both

Blimey, astonished at these responses

It must be hard for him, yes, we see that - but isn't it harder for OP?

Of course it's hard for the OP, but people really underestimate how hard it is to support someone with a chronic/lifelong condition. You're expected to take on a lot more around the house, probably take on most/all of the paid work and provide emotional support, without really getting a lot back yourself.

There isn't much support out there for "people whose partners have chronic illness". You're dealing with a lot on your own and you're expected to just cope with it because you're not the one who has the illness yourself.

I speak as someone with a chronic back condition and a history of anxiety depression. Yes, it was god-awful for me to go through those things, but it was hard on DP too. And he never got the sympathy I got from my GP, or the support I got from work and my counsellor. Don't underestimate how tough chronic illness is on the families/partners of those affected.

I understand all that Bunny and I suspect the OP does as well, which is why his phrasing is tactless at best.

Loving someone means their happiness matters, more than your own, that you prioritise that.

I just can't imagine saying something like that after a miscarriage.

TheBunnyofDoom has said exactly what I was going to.

I am in chronic pain constantly and wheelchair bound and need constant help.

My DH has to 'cope' with me when I am crying with pain and there is nothing he can do. He often says if he was able to take my pain off me and have it himself then he would. He hates seeing me this way and not being to help in any way.

I also feel guilty that he works hard and then has no down time as when at home he has to care for me. I add extra hours o to his day as before he can go to work he has to take me to whoever is caring for me that day.

It is hard for me of course it is, but it is hard for him too.

My DH has a chronic condition and has been ill for almost 3 years. On a good day he can wash up, cook dinner maybe. On a bad day he can't do a thing. I have taken over all the housework, childcare (we have 3 children), as well as working as the main/only earner.
Some nights I go to bed exhausted only for him to collapse and need an ambulance/round the clock support and I then lose a night's sleep.
I'm totally sick of the situation. There's not much hope of a recovery. Some days I feel if it wasn't for the kids I'd leave. It's no life for either of us.

I did say earlier that his phrasing was poor, but I think it's really easy to underestimate what other people go through in times like this. When miscarriages occur, I think generally, men are expected to support the woman, but nobody ever really considers the impact on him. He might not have been pregnant, but he lost his child too. That's not easy on anyone, and I think even the best people react with anger sometimes, even when it's not ideal.

Bubbles, I am sorry to hear that, but what you describe and what the OP describes sound hugely different.

You are describing a supportive man who is distressed at your pain and discomfort, a man who want to do more than he is doing.

The OP is describing a man who sounds irritated with the situation, a man who is put-out by things be unless than perfect, a man huffy and annoyed at having a partner with a malfunctioning womb.

my DP has recently become very angry at it all and keeps taking out his frustration on me - that isn't a supportive man who is tired and upset and that isn't a one off comment made once through exhaustion and perhaps bitterly regretted - the OP says he 'keeps' doing it.

people seem to forget I'm the one actually going through it all first hand. - I'd be interested to know what 'people'. This resonates with me as I have known a few men people who have managed to manipulate situations to milk maximum sympathy, looking like a saint and a hero, while actually people forgot it wasn't their situation in the first place.

Uncomfortably it sounds like abuse to me. Sorry, but it does.

Without knowing the nature of your illness it's hard to comment. Could (some of) it be psychosomatic?

Bad spelling!

• a man who is put-out by things being less than perfect'

teacher, I'm really sorry to hear that but again, I'd be interested to know what the OPs DH actually does on a day to day basis.

my DP has recently become very angry at it all and keeps taking out his frustration on me - that isn't a supportive man who is tired and upset and that isn't a one off comment made once through exhaustion and perhaps bitterly regretted - the OP says he 'keeps' doing it.

But he HAS put up with it for two years. The OP says these comments are recent, indicating that perhaps something new has happened to make him more frustrated/stressed than usual? Or maybe he's just at the end of his tether and needs some support for himself.

End of his tether with what, though?

And I don't mean that in an aggressive or challenging way :) - I would genuinely be interested to know what he has to do or pick up on a daily basis.

It is hard, I don't disagree with you for a moment. And if this was a one-off through frustration, I'd be agreeing with you.

Two years is nothing in the context of a lifetime: I have known people who have gone through years and years - decades - of caring for a disabled or chronically ill spouse, parent or child.

I just feel that to add to someone's (presumably) physical pain by chucking in some emotional and then also presumably leeching sympathy and playing the hero/martyr reads rather uncomfortably to me. Because he has a choice - he could leave. OP has no such choice.