To be very annoyed at DP for not being more considerate?

[AuntBess]

Hi all,

In a nutshell, I've been chronically ill for about 3 years now (my DP has been with for 2). Things moved very quickly and we were living together within 6 months, which has always been fine, no hiccups.

My issue is I'm not getting any answers medically, and although I've been fighting full force for years (and I've just about lost my sanity is some ways due to it), my DP has recently become very angry about it all and keeps taking out his frustration on me. He makes fleeting comments like "this is beyond a joke" or "it's like a never ending story with you". Or my personal favourite, "you need to get this sorted".

We've had two miscarriages in a row, and I'm currently going through my second as we speak. My DP hasn't been bothered in a sense that he didn't really regard them as babies anyway, but it bothers him that once again he has to tell family that everything has gone wrong, yet again.

Yesterday evening he told me that he's sick and tired of it all, and he just wants to hear some good news for once

I really don't know what to do! I'm trying, I've been badgering doctors for years. I've been suffering this way for years too, and no answers, no treatments. I can't say I haven't had any tests, I've had loads! But none of them can give me an answer. I've lost jobs over this, due to being unfit for the workplace. My mental health has been effected, because the last thing I want is to be sitting at home, I really DO want to work, but I cannot.

AIBU to say he should be more considerate of what he voices to me? I know it's hard for him, and he's a Saint for putting up with it all. But, people seem to forget I'm the one actually going through it all first hand.

I just don't know what to do, he seems so cold sometimes, yet I know he loves me deeply.

I also wonder if there could be a psychosomatic element to your illness. Have you had any kind of counselling or assessment for mental health issues?

This is not an accusation that you are 'making it all up.' Mental illness is as real as physical illness and if your illness in your mind rather than your body, then maybe there will be a cure via psychiatry or different medications. And some MH conditions do seem to present as a collection of vague physical symptoms such as tiredness or weakness or unexplained aches and pains.
Of course so do some physical illnesses, but I can see that it's very frustrating for the healthy partner to see the sick partner go for test after test and be told that s/he is not suffering from this condition, yet the sick partner is still being sick, particularly when it goes on for years.

Well possibly but I wouldn't assume it. Tests often aren't as thorough as people think they are, for one thing, and also, they can only identify conditions doctors already know about - my mum was having miscarriage after miscarriage in the 70s and the reason for it only emerged a decade later. New conditions come to light all the time.

OP - do you think perhaps you are minimising the grief he is feeling for the miscarriage too? If this is out of character, it could well be that for all his "it's not a baby yet" stance, he really is struggling, particularly if he's realising that children might not be a possibility given your health problems, and therefore he's having to give up the idea of being a father.

As others have said, it could well be that he thought you were ill at the start and you'd get better and now he's having to accept that the future he hoped for isn't an option with you.

I can't comment on OP's situation, but I know DP got frustrated with expecting to support me everyday when I was depressed, yet he never got time out to himself to de-stress and relax. When he got that space, he became far more tolerant and supportive. The "supporter" needs a break and some support too.

Loving someone means their happiness matters, more than your own, that you prioritise that.

Off point but do people really think this is a true definition of romantic/marital love? I feel this way about my children - certainly as long as they are dependent on me(although I don't think it healthy to constantly sacrifice your own happiness even for a child). And at times I have prioritised DH's happiness over my own - and it has sometimes been hard and involved considerable sacrifice. But in general this wouldn't be the way we live day to day. My happiness matters just as much as my husband's happiness and I'm sure he feels the same way.

I don't disagree with that for a second Bunny, but OP hasn't mentioned that her partner is being supportive at all!

Just that he is 'angry' and that 'people' sympathise with him, and that he made a rather unpleasant comment re the miscarriages.

I'm at comments about the OP in effect making it up and for all to be just in her head (that's what a psychosomatic illness is).
Obvioulsy these are people who have never come across people who have suffered with ME for years before they got diagnosed (and someone actually listened to them).
Or parents who have been told that the issue with their child was their parenting only to be found years later that that child is on the spectrum.

Way to go on the compassion side.....

I also don't undedrstand all the comments about the DP doing it all when the OP clearly states she is still working, albeit with difficulties.....
And when she mentions that they have tried for a baby. So surely she is still probably able to still do quite a bit (I doubt that anyone who is unable to do any HW, can't work etc... will plan to have a child if they are that bad) even if it also clearly affects her life quite a lot.

OP I'm really really sorry for your loss.
And I'm sorry that your DP seems to be quite cold and detached about it.
I do hope he isn't taking it out on you (ie the 'nothing can ever go right' comment wasn't said after it was it?).

On the contrary, WoodHeaven, the OP's opening post clearly states:

"I've lost jobs over this, due to being unfit for the workplace. My mental health has been effected, because the last thing I want is to be sitting at home, I really DO want to work, but I cannot."

No advise as such but I'm experiencing similar. Back pain since second pregnancy, spinal surgery two years later as Drs refused to do tests and physios missed the obvious signs. I'm still a mess and physio has just given up, there is no fix and this is hard to accept but harder for DH to understand. Yep DH has more to do to make up for my 'disability'- he won't even accept I have a disability, I'm just lazy. Sometimes he's sympathetic as I'm in tears grieving the life I've lost, but in the next breath he'll be exasperated when I ask for help and claim he's so hard done by because he has to empty the bins or cook dinner. I don't know what your symptoms are but I'd hold off having children, I suspect I'll be better off working rather than running around after two kids, school runs and the extra housework they create. It's also hard if your condition fluctuates as you'll be able to do more one week but the next is a write off. Or overdo it one day and spend the next few days in bed.

I don't know if it's normal to be so impatient and whether another partner would be more caring and cope better. I would happily swap my pain and stiffness for DH's life - and he's far less active as he walks far less than I do.

Look, none of us know the OP or her H, and she hasn't actually said what her symptoms are in the first place (pain, unusual tiredness, constant shits, perpetual runny nose?). So it could be that she has something like fibromyalgia or lupus or one of those other ailments that are hard to diagnose. It also could be the case that she has hypochondria, which is a recognised mental health condition. Or she might be one of those whiny people who get off on being a bit poorly all the time and the H has had enough.
Equally, he could be a gaslighting bully who is making her worse.

Sorry for abandoning my post!

To clear things up a bit better, my DP works but I do all the housework and cooking, of which is difficult but I do anyway.

IMO, it's not what my DP feels he must do, but rather what he can't do. For example, he feels as if we'll never get to the bottom of things and we'll never be able to be a normal, young couple who goes on extravagant holidays etc.

As for my medical condition, I have flare ups so some days (or weeks) are much better than others but most are very restricting either way. For example, I'm in diabolical pain if I walk for more than 10 minutes, my joints stiffen and my muscles ache. I bring up fresh blood in a vomiting style at least twice a day. I've been in hospital before from vomiting up a litre (yes, a litre). I'm extremely exhausted most of the time, and I usually get tired very easily.

The thing that unnerves my DP is how I seem so happy and content living like I do (I must admit, when everyone isn't talking about how ill I am and how I need answers, I feel happy), and DP can't understand this. He often questions how I'm not going out of my mind with boredom by just pottering around the house, cooking/cleaning and socialising with family/visiting our families etc. I must admit, I'm very content.

Does this mean I don't feel low about how limited I am? Of course it doesn't! But I choose not to let my illness define my feelings. I get on with it, and I'm not one to make a fuss about my health, which is why our families are often left confused. Of course, it's a different ball game when it comes to seeing doctors.