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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How do I respond?

47 replies

illusionshatteredspouse · 07/11/2015 01:42

Ok, I'll try not to drip feed - so I emigrated to be with my second wife who got a job abroad. We've been here nearly two years. Her mood and behaviours have been changing since we arrived here - I do not doubt that she has some depression and I have supported the best i can.

Anyway, this last week she announced she has lost interest in me - that hurts, and she has been making some very bad decisions recently regarding career choices, given up hobbies and so on and oscillates now between work, sleeping and getting an alcohol buzz on.
I saw my doctor yesterday - had a chat and was prescribed some benzos to help me. Obviously I told my wife I had been prescribed ativan to help me sleep.
I took one and counted what was left in the bottle - in truth i felt bad about doing that as I felt I was mistrusting my wife - and I hid the bottle out of sight in bathroom and put in a bag under the sink with other medication not expecting her to root through this stuff.
I did feel bad.

So I take my dose tonight and counted them because the paper bag was opened - inside was the bottle and guess what - when I counted them one had been taken.
I confronted her with this and I told her that she has disgusted me. She was totally unembarrassed about it - couldnt defend herself and I told her that I was disgusted that she stole meds from me when she knows I would have given her one if she needed one - I am trying so hard to keep our respect dignity here - I hate confrontation and want to keep our divorce pleasent - not least of all for my kids and my siblings who like her.

She is a disrespectful woman - I think that she has totally shattered any respect I had for her (which was a lot). She is a disgrace. I am going to discuss this with her parents - I think that she has probably feeding them bullshit about me now - I thought she was going to preserve our self respects.

I am angry. Damn the bitch. How dare her? She knows she only had to ask but to search and scrabble around for one of my meds makes me sick.

I'm going to stop ranting now -i have worked so hard to help her, so hard. I am a good guy - I have faults, but I am a decent caring and loving guy.
I am so hurt by this and her defensive unapologetic response.

I am so angry. I want to talk to her parents on this - they need to know - they need to know that their daughter is still making bad choices.

thank you for letting me vent.

OP posts:
ADishBestEatenCold · 07/11/2015 01:57

"Damn the bitch"

You lost me round about the time you said that ^^.

Also why on earth, in an adult relationship, would it be your place to discuss this with her parents?

Original poster
illusionshatteredspouse · 07/11/2015 02:00

Sorry, AIBU to discuss this with her family that I have a great relationship with? Or I used to up until a couple of weeks ago - not heard from them since we decided to break up.

The soon to be ex has mental health problems I am sure beyond depression. I want to care, but currently I am too angry.
And, FYI I have no support structure here - everyone I know is in my home country. I am alone save for my work colleagues who seem to like me a lot.

Sorry - I'm rambling again. I am in tears.

OP posts:
Unreasonablebetty · 07/11/2015 02:00

My perceptions are often off, so I might be way off the mark here,
BUT, why if you would have given her one of your tablets are you so angry and calling her a bitch, damning her, wanting to tell everyone and saying that she is not preserving any of her self respect?

I would be angry if someone stole from me, when they could have had whatever they took, but you seem unusually upset.
Is this more about the break up than the medication?

Mmmmcake123 · 07/11/2015 02:08

Where's Jeremy Kyle when you need him?
Have some Cake

ADishBestEatenCold · 07/11/2015 02:10

"Sorry, AIBU to discuss this with her family that I have a great relationship with?"

Yes, in my opinion you would be unreasonable to do so. For all sorts of reasons, including the fact that they are likely to be her support structure in all this, not yours.
Indeed, you have said you have "not heard from them since (you) decided to break up", That would certainly suggest to me that it would not be a good idea to go running to them with tales of their daughter's behavior.

Unreasonablebetty · 07/11/2015 02:11

I feel that your wife and I may have some similarities, which I think is why I may have seen it a bit off,

It sounds like her behaviour is erratic at this moment in time, it sounds very much like it could be a mental health/ emotional health problem spiralling.
Please keep that in mind and try not to get angry at her for this too soon, let her have some time to react as she wants to before allowing yourself to feel angry at her.

Anger doesn't really help in this situation, but you will invariably feel it.
I do feel like I want to say, if you must bad mouth her or talk about how wrong she's being, you might be best doing this with work friends, if the two of you are splitting up, then her family will be in the position where they take sides, and even if they try to maintain a relationship of sorts with you, the moment you start to tell her family what you are suffering then you are likely to be shut out from them.
This is the way families tend to act, and blood is thicker than water.

It sounds like an awful situation, it's probably best for you to take steps away from her, keep your respect, by acting in a peacable manner and removing yourself from situations you cannot be part of without losing your cool... Sometimes there are situations you lose by just being a part of, learn to notice the signs of a situation like this early, and keep away.

Mmmmcake123 · 07/11/2015 02:15

Are children in this relationship?
I think it is time to get some support for their sake, but I don't think running to parents with tales is appropriate. Outside independent support from social services seems most appropriate based on what you have said. Neither of you are behaving like responsible adults. The comments you use about your partner (ex or not) are horrid for whatever reason. Clearly this is a broken relationship but the use and need for meds is alarming.

SurlyCue · 07/11/2015 02:31

Well call me cynical but i think you got those meds to set her up. You knew she would take one and you wanted useable proof that you could take to her parents to prove how awful she is. It sounds like you are trying to get your ducks in a row for custody of children by proving her to be unstable, mentally ill, self medicating etc.

I dont buy your story for a second. But that's just me.

SurlyCue · 07/11/2015 02:34

Or if not children then to gain support from the people that would be her support network in the divorce proceedings. I wonder if there is a financial benefit to you proving she is mentally ill or a thief.

Sighing · 07/11/2015 03:19

I don't particularly warm to this. The ONLY ex who constantly thought it his place to run off to my parents with (his view) stories of my "problems" was a controlling and abusive person, no respect for me or our relationship. Thought he was above all reproach, no recognition of his own flaws. He also ran off to tell members of my hobby community etc as well. As mentioned above. He thought it would get him sole custody, which he didn't even want. He just looked vindictive to everyone. Even his own parents (who apparently he'd warned off with a pack of lies) contacted me to directly check contact time (he would tell them I'd said no atca moments notice).
You've gone through a break up. You have zero nèed to discuss this with her family at the moment. You both need to be apart and out of each other's lives. Nothing that happens at the moment is a reflection of your relationship or health. You are not in that relationship and both under the associated stress of it's loss. No time to judge.

popandboo · 07/11/2015 03:41

I certainly don't have the best marriage in the world but we would take each other's medication without asking. If I felt he was doing it for the 'wrong' reasons I'd be concerned rather than angry, and same the other way round.

Your reaction shows that she's not the only one who has lost interest. Think you guys need to move one.

mimishimmi · 07/11/2015 03:55

You sound anal and childish sorry... she took one sleeping pill and you want to run to her mummy and daddy to tell on her and think 'damn you bitch'? Seriously? Is her overseas job the one supporting you both?

Tootsiepops · 07/11/2015 05:25

I told her that she has disgusted me.

She is a disgrace.

I am going to discuss this with her parents.

Damn the bitch.

This level of vitriol is massively out of proportion, and your language is spiteful and cruel.

If I were your wife's parents, and I knew this is what you thought of my unwell daughter...my reaction to you would not be polite.

BackInTheRealWorld · 07/11/2015 05:28

I think she needs to get away from you and fast. You sound unhinged.

SofiaAmes · 07/11/2015 05:35

Wow. Your lack of empathy and interest in helping your wife is a damning report about you. If she is truly suffering from mental health issues, she needs calm and support, not name calling and vitriol. And really, the idea that you want to "tell on her" to her parents, who are probably desperately worried about her already. It seems to me that you too have some serious issues that you should get help with. If its only to get support to figure out how to cope with a spouse with mental health issues.

Dragonsdaughter · 07/11/2015 06:16

Mmm wonder why she has lost interest in you and has depression ?

GloriaHotcakes · 07/11/2015 06:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AskBasil · 07/11/2015 07:13

You sound like you are missing out an awful lot of information.

I'm sure your wife is making bad choices, women who live with men like you and are ground down by them, tend to do that.

Do her a favour and leave her now.

Imknackeredzzz · 07/11/2015 07:20

You sound like an absolute twat, sorry but "damn the bitch!" ...
Really!?

Get over yourself

Crankycunt · 07/11/2015 07:24

Do your wife a favour and leave.

Shakey15000 · 07/11/2015 07:28

I think your response should be to leave.

vulgarbunting · 07/11/2015 07:28

Hilarious that you think you're a 'good guy', but you treat your wife like that. I think you need to take a look at your own behaviour.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 07/11/2015 07:37

You say she is making bad choices, but all I can see from your post is that she has decided to end the relationship and has given up some hobbies. I'm not sure you are in a position to know whether her work choices are good or bad. People going through relationship difficulties tend to behave erratically - it doesn't mean they have mental health issues.

So, bearing in mind you are both going through a marriage break up, I think you are maybe both behaving differently. That said, you are way out of line threatening to go to her parents. Her relationship with them is absolutely none of your business and you sound like a controlling arse. Same with the sleeping pills - she isn't stealing from you, she took one of her husband's pills. If you would have given it to her anyway, I don't understand the vitriol.
My impression os that you have moved to the UK with your wife. If that is the case, we have plenty of medication in the country, so don't fret about missing one!

My advice to you is to return to your country of origin, where you have friends and family and rebuild your own life.

experiencedhider · 07/11/2015 07:43

I agree vulgar - no actual good guy would ever refer to women as a bitch or "disrespectful woman". This OP leaves me feeling very uncomfortable, and wondering slightly why his first marriage didn't work out...

Incidentally, OP, I have never known a true "good guy" who feels the need to proclaim it to all and sundry. Being good is shown by actions, not words.

NothingNewUnderTheSun · 07/11/2015 07:49

I dont buy your story for a second. But that's just me

No. Not just you. Grin

You sound like an absolute twat

Can't argue with a single word of that! Grin

I think she needs to get away from you and fast. You sound unhinged

Absolutely that - 100%. Assuming, of course, that there is the faintest whiff of veracity about any of this drool - which there almost certainly isn't.