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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How do I respond?

47 replies

illusionshatteredspouse · 07/11/2015 01:42

Ok, I'll try not to drip feed - so I emigrated to be with my second wife who got a job abroad. We've been here nearly two years. Her mood and behaviours have been changing since we arrived here - I do not doubt that she has some depression and I have supported the best i can.

Anyway, this last week she announced she has lost interest in me - that hurts, and she has been making some very bad decisions recently regarding career choices, given up hobbies and so on and oscillates now between work, sleeping and getting an alcohol buzz on.
I saw my doctor yesterday - had a chat and was prescribed some benzos to help me. Obviously I told my wife I had been prescribed ativan to help me sleep.
I took one and counted what was left in the bottle - in truth i felt bad about doing that as I felt I was mistrusting my wife - and I hid the bottle out of sight in bathroom and put in a bag under the sink with other medication not expecting her to root through this stuff.
I did feel bad.

So I take my dose tonight and counted them because the paper bag was opened - inside was the bottle and guess what - when I counted them one had been taken.
I confronted her with this and I told her that she has disgusted me. She was totally unembarrassed about it - couldnt defend herself and I told her that I was disgusted that she stole meds from me when she knows I would have given her one if she needed one - I am trying so hard to keep our respect dignity here - I hate confrontation and want to keep our divorce pleasent - not least of all for my kids and my siblings who like her.

She is a disrespectful woman - I think that she has totally shattered any respect I had for her (which was a lot). She is a disgrace. I am going to discuss this with her parents - I think that she has probably feeding them bullshit about me now - I thought she was going to preserve our self respects.

I am angry. Damn the bitch. How dare her? She knows she only had to ask but to search and scrabble around for one of my meds makes me sick.

I'm going to stop ranting now -i have worked so hard to help her, so hard. I am a good guy - I have faults, but I am a decent caring and loving guy.
I am so hurt by this and her defensive unapologetic response.

I am so angry. I want to talk to her parents on this - they need to know - they need to know that their daughter is still making bad choices.

thank you for letting me vent.

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 07/11/2015 07:59

How bizarre, how bizarre.

Do do do, do do do...

AyeAmarok · 07/11/2015 08:03

Is English your first language OP?

I think your choice of words don't come across well but I think we're picking up on nuances that may not make sense to you.

Also a lot of focus on respect etc, is it a cultural thing?

allnewredfairy · 07/11/2015 08:12

YABU to run to her parents for support. That is part of her support network. Divorce can be a nasty hurtful business but you can't divide her parents loyalties by offloading on them even if you try to dress it up as concern. Re: the meds, You set her up and she failed. Do you feel better now?

YesIcan · 07/11/2015 08:16

You thought it was a good idea to post this on MN.?? YABU

Perhaps you were in a deep sleep and your wife couldn't / didn't want to wake you. Your reaction to attack rather than be concerned for her well being is U.

Your vitriolic attack on her is overboard and U.

YABU to expect support from her family.

All in all you sound like an awful husband (almost unbelievably so), and since you didn't mention children together, I think any average woman would be delighted to see the back of you.

Grilledaubergines · 07/11/2015 08:19

The OP is speaking through upset and anger at the situation, that's very obvious.

OP it's not odd to want to talk the situation through with your in laws. They know you both.

I think you're posting in the wrong place. If you were female you would not be getting these responses. You cannot get objective opinion when there are so many women who feel so negatively about men.

Happyminimalist · 07/11/2015 08:20

I would view her taking a tablet differently. She's obviously feeling extremely horrid to stoop to such an action. I wouldn't feel angry at all though. Anger is an over reaction. Compassion and support would be a better approach. Why did she do it? What can be done to make her feel better? One in 4 people experience mental health issues each year.

mrsjanedoe · 07/11/2015 08:40

I think you're posting in the wrong place. If you were female you would not be getting these responses. You cannot get objective opinion when there are so many women who feel so negatively about men.

that!

Someone is asking for help, is really doubting the best way to deal with a situation he is stuck into, and he gets abuse. Way to go people. Not only you are not helping OP, but you are not helping his wife either! Would all of you be really happy if your husband was ransacking your handbag to steal something?

OP, why do you want to speak to her parents? Is it so they can start helping her, or only a childish way to get back at her? Try to calm down, and think about what is best for both of you. If you think you are not enough to help her, then, yes, get some outside help.

BlackSwan · 07/11/2015 08:49

You wanted her to beg you for meds. You told her you had them - you obtained them to use them as bait. She already told you she;s not interested in you. So you got something you knew would interest her. But she didn't have the 'decency' to beg you 'merciful husband...share your drugs with me': no, she just took it.

You sounds like a loser.

Scremersford · 07/11/2015 08:54

I'd run for the hills if I were her.

Orangeanddemons · 07/11/2015 08:55

We'd his always nicking the odd Tramadol of mine to help him sleep. I think I was only ever bothered when there was none left for me

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/11/2015 08:57

I don't know what to make of the op but some of the reactions are awful. If this was a woman talking about her husband none of you would be calling her a loser or accusing her of setting him up. Mumsnet is filled with embarrassingly awful double standards.

SummerHouse · 07/11/2015 09:29

I am sorry for you and your wife. Must be a very hard time for you and you are hurting. I am not sure you are seeing clearly. I can see her only crime as being desperate and possibly mentally ill. If you can I think you need to make this split, as hard as it will be, as quickly and cleanly as you can and then you can start to rebuild your lives.

AskBasil · 07/11/2015 17:31

Oh the "if it was a woman it would get a different reaction" contingent has arrived.

If a woman posted with the same story, how she would be treated would depend on her tone. If it were as abusive as the OP's tone, then I think she'd probably get as short shrift as he has. Posters respond to other posters according to what they know about men, women and life and that is why men and women are often treated differently - because how men and women are treated in society, is different. The sauce for the goose argument only works if you are blind to societal sexism.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 07/11/2015 17:36

This is a totally over the top reaction to your wife taking one of your sleeping pills.

She obviously needs help if she's drinking and wanting pills. You sound like you couldn't care less.

ghostyslovesheep · 07/11/2015 17:38

she doesn't want to be with you - the rest is just noise - move on

lizzydrippingsghost · 07/11/2015 17:44

wow that is one mighty strop your throwing over a tablet, what would you do if she ate your last rolo

cranberryx · 07/11/2015 18:06

what would you do if she ate the last rolo?

On another note: The only thing I can see here is a wife that needs to leave ASAP, being referred to as a bitch for having a sleeping tablet that the OP made a massive song and dance about was setting her up to fail really. it's one pill, massive over reaction

You speak of her having no respect, but clearly it sounds as if the OP is projecting his own problems onto his wife. Also trying to turn her own parents against her? What could that possible achieve? Other than making you look like an idiot?

whois · 07/11/2015 18:24

This level of vitriol is massively out of proportion, and your language is spiteful and cruel.

Agreed. Sounds like it's the OP who is the unstable one in the relationship.

Scremersford · 07/11/2015 18:37

Anyone that described me as "oscillating" between work and sleep is not someone I see as being on my side. What on earth is it meant to mean? Its written in critical terms, but to be honest, two out of the three are perfectly harmless and so is drinking unless its overdone. Equally, you could be said to "oscillate" between working, following your wife around, taking meds and criticising her. Speaking to her parents - seriously? What do you expect them to do? Give her a telling off, smack her bottom and send her back to you, cap in hand? Maybe you expect mumsnet to do the same?

You don't seem to respect this woman as an equal, as a person in her own right who is entitled to make her own decisions (whether that be leaving you). You come across as controlling, manipulative and a bit of a nightmare. You can tell rather a lot about a person by how they write, even if they try to disguise it - I guess true character is difficult to disguise.

Are you from a non-British culture? Many of your comments sound completely at odds with what is considered an acceptable way to conduct a marriage in modern day Britain.

witsender · 07/11/2015 18:48

You sound very controlling, (she is 'disrespectful' a disgrace etc)...do you have very old fashioned ideas of how a woman should behave in a relationship? I must admit I find it hard to see past your language.

However I don't see why you would contact HER family,unless it was to enlist support for her, which it doesn't sound like. I'm also not sure why you are so angry she took a tablet? Or why you even told her in those circs, unless you were trying to set her up? I certainly wouldn't apologise to my husband in her place, and I would expect concern from him if any response, not anger and 'damn the bitch'.

witsender · 07/11/2015 18:50

And I think very highly of men. Which is why I won't stand for crap, because they are better than that...or should be.

BlueJug · 07/11/2015 21:14

English is not your first language I guess. Correct me if I am wrong. You do not come across well in this at all.

Leave. Go home to where your family is. Don't talk to her parents. (Maybe that is a cultural thing but it does not sit well at all).

She is ill. She says the relationship is over. Make it easy on everyone. Go.

The way you speak about her is terrible. She is not your property.

I also suspect much of this is not true

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