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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I should be able to moan with my friends about gaining weight even though I'm not fat?

42 replies

DextersMistress · 06/11/2015 16:56

I'm naturally slim. This is due to genetics and pure luck. I'm aware of this.

However, I've recently gained over a stone in weight and I'm not happy with it. The trouble is, although I'm still within the 'normal' bmi range, I don't gain an ounce on my arms/legs/face and it all goes on my middle. I can hide it pretty easy in high wasted jeans but I'd still like it gone. (I've had more than a couple of people ask if I'm pregnant)

My problem is that I'm still smaller than my closest friends, and whenever they start a conversation about diets I feel like I can't join in. They say things like oh yes I wish I was as fat as you

It makes me feel like I can't have a moan with them like they do, and it's pretty uncomfortable when the subject inevitably comes up (they're both doing ww)

Aibu? Or should I keep quiet about my own weight?

OP posts:

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:02

As a fellow slim person, I feel for you. But I do get annoyed when my equally slim friend moans about how "fat" she is when she's a size 12. I'm a size 12, after spending my life being a 6 / 8 / 10. I'm comfortable with myself, and happy that I now have shapely legs and some boobs.

But hearing her moan about her middle or her ass or whatever really grates on me because I feel like she's obsessed with being super-slim, and being super-slim is the only way men will ever find her attractive.

I think there's nothing wrong with being a bit bigger. if you're within the healthy weight range.

TBH hearing anyone moaning about their weight is a bit of a bore, whatever size they are

TonyMaguire · 06/11/2015 17:02

Yep, keep schtum and start wearing more empire lines.

On the subject of pregnancy, a pet hate of mine is size 10 pregnant women wailing about being "massive" and "really fat".

Original poster

DextersMistress · 06/11/2015 17:05

I wouldn't be at all bothered with my weight (ie the number on the scales) if it was more evenly distributed! I just have a big stomach.

OP posts:

SushiAndTheBanshees · 06/11/2015 17:06

What you're really saying is "is it okay for me to moan to my friends about something that they have a worse version of than I do".

Sure, go ahead. Personally, I'd keep it in and be grateful for my good luck (as you put it) while trying to lose the weight.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:07

Me too, my family carry their weight around the middle. I look much more pregnant than I actually am.

I don't think overweight people should have the monopoly on a weight discussion, but I don't think as a society that we should be obsessed with being a size 6 either.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 06/11/2015 17:08

goodnight You're taking her complaining a bit personally. She hasn't said that you'd look better as a 6/8, or that you look like you need to lose weight at a 12 - just that she'd prefer to be smaller.

It's horses for courses - I'm small and I have nice boobs and a good body shape at 6/8, but 10 looks too heavy and 12 makes me look like a bowling ball.

I don't moan about my weight to anyone though, I keep it to myself because it's a conversation nobody likes to have!

AyeAmarok · 06/11/2015 17:09

YANBU. Your friends are very self-absorbed if they cannot understand that you can feel unhappy with yourself just as much as they may be unhappy with their bodies.

So you want to fix your expanding middle before you end up even fatter and then it will be even more of a struggle. But they won't allow you to talk about it until you are fatter than them. Nice friends!

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 06/11/2015 17:10

You should be allowed to express your insecurities in exactly the same way that they are. The fact that they basically belittle you because you aren't as big/bigger than them is pretty patronising.

It basically puts the attitude forwards that only the fattest person in the room is allowed to voice their annoyances/issues/whatever with their weight, which is obviously bullshit.

There's a big difference between someone voicing their views as part of a general conversation on that very same issue, and someone who bleats on it all the time either humble bragging or clearly fishing for compliments.

Tony size ten women can feel "massive" and "really fat" just as any other woman can. Jesus. The massive changes your body goes through during pregnancy aren't any less alarming/disconcerting/weird for slim people than larger people.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:11

anchor I'm not taking anything personally, I'm offering my opinion and my own experiences on the topic at hand. Why is that hard for people to grasp?

Also, I've found it's a conversation that some people do like to have. A lot.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2015 17:11

YANBU. You're just moaning about something that affects you.

It's not like you're challenging them to a fat-off.

scribblegirl · 06/11/2015 17:12

Actually I sympathise... I'm a 12/14, my best friend is an 8. She recently put on a few pounds, of course I sympathised with her! She was moaning about feeling less good about herself, the fact her clothes didn't fit as well as they used to, the fact that she feels sluggish etc.

It's not a comparison ffs, it's how you feel in yourself. And I know full well that life doesn't magically get amazing just because you're a size 10 or less; she's had just as many worries in her life (relationships/self esteem) as I have being a few extra lb overweight!

YANBU OP.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:12

The massive changes your body goes through during pregnancy aren't any less alarming/disconcerting/weird for slim people than larger people.

In fact I think they're more disconcerting. Larger women can hide pregnancy well. Every time I look in the mirror I see a bowling ball where my stomach used to be. Freaks me out.

AyeAmarok · 06/11/2015 17:18

"She was moaning about feeling less good about herself, the fact her clothes didn't fit as well as they used to, the fact that she feels sluggish etc.

It's not a comparison ffs, it's how you feel in yourself."

YY Scribble, good post.

TonyMaguire · 06/11/2015 17:19

But surely goodness being large around the middle isn't a surprise to anyone when they're pregnant?

The sort of thing I'm on about is the real attention seeking, "oh, I'm just massive, a big whale" etc, without any regard for the size of the person they're talking to. It's like goodnight says, some people are obsessed with being attractive to men and think being super slim is the only way to do that. If you're on a decent wage you wouldn't dream of banging on to someone on benefits about "I'm just so skint", so why do it with appearance?

People can be any size they like, by the way, I hate the thin shaming that's very popular at the moment. Of course, OP, you should be able to moan about anything you like with friends, but weight is a tricky one.

TonyMaguire · 06/11/2015 17:20

scribble said it better than me. It's when a moan/expression of anxiety feels like a comparison.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:23

tony have you ever been pregnant? The whole thing is a massive headfuck from start to finish

I also hate skinny shaming (which seems to be allowed on MN but the reverse is not).

TheBitchOfDestiny · 06/11/2015 17:23

yanbu I am same I am tiny and need to be a size 6 - 8 or I look shit imo. and it always goes on my middle

so I do know where you are coming from, I don't bother saying anything now as people prob just think I am being a twat / insensitive

Original poster

DextersMistress · 06/11/2015 17:25

Fwiw I'm nowhere near a 6-8! I don't instigate the conversations either, they just inevitably come up when we're together as they swap recipes etc. I've stopped contributing now as I feel a bit awkward.

OP posts:

Cheesybaps · 06/11/2015 17:26

It may be wrong of me, but I always feel a bit when my much slimmer friends moan about how fat/massive/huge they are. It makes me think "if you think YOU'RE huge then what must you think of me?!"

Completely self absorbed and I wouldn't express it to my friends, but its how I really feel!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 06/11/2015 17:28

Whenever people moaned about being overweight, I used to moan about being underweight and how I didn't feel womanly or comfortable in my own body. I was genuinely trying to get them to see the other side (especially when they told me I was "lucky") but it usually just gained me envious looks. I did have one person tell me that I'd opened her eyes, though, which was nice.

WorraLiberty · 06/11/2015 17:29

Cheesy they're just talking about their own bodies, not anyone else's, honestly.

TonyMaguire · 06/11/2015 17:30

Indeed I have, goodnight, I loved it! I was one of those majestically pregnant types.

OP, sorry for derailing slightly. I was being flippant about keeping schtum. It does sound rather boring, your friends going on about dieting, and actually a bit unfair of them to close you down if you do contribute.

TattyDevine · 06/11/2015 17:31

Of course you should moan about whatever you want. You may have had less sleep than me last night, but if I'm tired, you'll bloody hear about it

Original poster

DextersMistress · 06/11/2015 17:31

I don't go on and say oh I'm huge, I'm aware I'm smaller than them and that would just be bloody insulting.

I might say no cake for me today, I've been eating too much shit lately and couldn't fasten my jeans this morning!

Friend: oh piss off, there's nothing of you!

Me: honestly, I've put a stone on, I'm just hiding it well

Friend: well I wish I was 'fat' like you

OP posts:

AyeAmarok · 06/11/2015 17:32

The sort of thing I'm on about is the real attention seeking, "oh, I'm just massive, a big whale" etc, without any regard for the size of the person they're talking to. It's like goodnight says, some people are obsessed with being attractive to men and think being super slim is the only way to do that. If you're on a decent wage you wouldn't dream of banging on to someone on benefits about "I'm just so skint", so why do it with appearance?

Well actually, that's not true. Your friend may be on benefits and you may be on a good wage. Doesn't mean that if you suddenly get hit with a massive bill, or even if you just can't afford to do or buy something that you really want, that you're not allowed to complain about it!

It's all relative to the person. The point is, they FEEL like a whale. Because they've never been that size before.

If anyone is whinging constantly and saying "but it's worse for me because" then they sound like a misery and not great company, but people are allowed to want to change things on their life, even if other people have it worse.

My best friend says she's outgrowing her house, how DARE she say that to me when I only live in a flat.

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