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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

...to expect my mum to respect the fact I work from home

48 replies

Devondarlings · 05/11/2015 13:41

My mum uses the phone impulsively- when a thought comes into her head or something she needs to tell people, she's on the phone. She is very old but not lonely- lives with my dad and has plenty of friends - who she is on the phone to all the time as well.

I work from home. Some days I am really busy, others days not so much. She doesn't respect the fact that I work from home at all. In fact she rarely asks me about my work at all. She thinks nothing of calling me during the day to ask me to get her something online (they don't have broadband and are too old to learn) then calling back maybe 3 times in an hour with updates or changes. I don't think she has made one call recently that could not have waited until maybe 5pm or later.

As their number is withheld - that's what I see on my phone- I always pick up in case one of them is ill and it's urgent.
But it's driving me mad and she doesn't do the same with my brother who is currently working from home.

Is there anyway I can deal with this without hurting her feelings? I have tried not picking up and then she interrogates me asking me where I was when she phoned. If I say I was working she says 'oh ok' but it doesn't stop her from doing the same thing another day.

OP posts:
Dragonsdaughter · 05/11/2015 13:44

Just say your working and give her a time to call back. Broken record techniques. The fact you have entertained her interruptions previously means this will take some time to sink in - if you do not treat your work hours SAS sacrosanct then neither will she.

Devondarlings · 05/11/2015 13:47

Yes, maybe.
She simply doesn't get that I work! I'm a writer often researching or churning out pieces with deadlines and although my work is feast or famine, it just annoys me that she has no respect for my working time. Earlier this week she phoned 3 times in 30 minutes as she was also phoning a friend to coordinate collecting it for her (this was about an online order) but the whole thing could have waited for hours.

OP posts:
Peach1886 · 05/11/2015 13:49

The same advice as Dragon - just quickly answer "hi mum, I'm in the middle of something, I'll ring you back at 7 o'clock", and then ring at exactly that time. I had this for a long while with my mum, she just didn't "get" that I was working even though I was at home, it took a long while before it sank in, including help from her sister who told her repeatedly "oh I never ring Peach during the day, she's run off her feet with work"...but we got there in the end.

KurriKurri · 05/11/2015 13:49

Get an answer phone - 'I am currently working and unable to answer, please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible.' Then after work or whatever you can run through and see if it is anything important - and hopefully she will get the message that you are not available during the day.

You will have to be very firm - and not worry too much about hurting her feelings - she's not worrying about upsetting you and interrupting your work is she? (sorry if that sounds harsh - I have had to deal with the fact that some people cannot grasp the concept of WORKING from home - it is very frustrating, and I just got very firm with saying 'no, I am working,call me later, don't phone in work hours unless it is life or death')

LimitedSedition · 05/11/2015 13:50

www.amazon.co.uk/Electronics/dp/B00LZTI0B6

This is the answer to your problem. It also screens out irritating cold calls and automated messages. The person in the end doesn't know if you've rejected the call or you're just not in!

Damselindestress · 05/11/2015 13:51

YANBU, that does sound frustrating. Could you arrange a regular time to call her when you are not working, maybe if she knows when you are going to call she could wait till then.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 05/11/2015 13:51

Physical answerphone to screen calls and maybe a second line dedicated to work (I have an internet based service for my work line). It works for me.

VegasIsBest · 05/11/2015 13:52

You just need to be assertive - why would that hurt her feelings.

Phone up one evening and explain that you can't talk in working hours.
Then if she phones during the day, just calmly say sorry mum, can't talk as I'm working. Then phone back in the evening.

Keep phoning back in the evening if necessary to remind her that you can't talk during the day.

Dragonsdaughter · 05/11/2015 13:53

Your 'maybe' is indicatative of your issues and hence your mums lack of understanding. You want her to understand but are giving of mixed signals. Being nice does not mean you can't have reasonable personal boundaries.

x2boys · 05/11/2015 13:54

My mum used to be like this when i worked nights and therefore slept during the day she would just phone at say 11am knowing i had worked the night before and be amazed 'i was still in bed' [having only gone to bed two hours before.]

chillycurtains · 05/11/2015 13:55

Do you need your phone for work? Can you just leaving it to voicemail and then check them and ring her back later if you need to. This would be easier if you are talking about a house phone as you can here the message when she rings.

Devondarlings · 05/11/2015 13:57

I'm not sure if another call screening device will work because her number is withheld and so are lots of other people's.

Answerphone wont work because she will just persist in ringing time after time every few minutes, I'd expect. But I also don't want that kind of outgoing message on a home landline because not all the calls are for me anyway. I use my mobile as my work phone- that's its chief use.

She is impulsive you see. she will phone to ask me to do an online shop - fine, happy to do it - then call back several times with changes.

I need to take control. I have let it get this way because some days I am very quiet with work - when it's fine to chat- and other days it is frantic. I suppose I need to be consistent or she won't understand, will she.

OP posts:
Nonnainglese · 05/11/2015 13:57

My dad thinks that I'm free to go to lunch with them at anytime just because I work from home although they live 17 miles away!

I think they imagine working from home to equate to available at any time.....

pinkdelight · 05/11/2015 14:03

I'm a writer too and never answer the phone when I'm working. If it's important they'll leave a message, even in cases of illness. Besides, if it was serious illness they'd be calling the ambulance not you.

juneau · 05/11/2015 14:03

OP I think you're going to have to be firm. You sound like you answer every time she calls and do her bidding - so of course she's going to keep ringing you! Be firm. Put your answerphone on. Don't answer the home phone during the day. Put the ringer on silent, if the phone constantly ringing distracts you. You have to stop being so available to her. She may be old, but I'm sure she'll get the message eventually.

RandomMess · 05/11/2015 14:07

Put the answer machine on during your working day and turn the ringer off. Explain to her that you will be doing this and can no longer take calls during the working day.

Let her leave lots of messages, she will get the message!

nameinlights · 05/11/2015 14:10

You could get an answering machine that you can hear voicemails being left on. Then you can screen the calls and pick it up if you hear someone leaving an urgent message.

Arfarfanarf · 05/11/2015 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Devondarlings · 05/11/2015 14:11

Thanks- some good ideas here.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 05/11/2015 14:12

Some people do have a problem equating working at home to actual proper working. Like working from home = not doing much.

Personally, I use my answer machine to screen calls.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 05/11/2015 14:15

I'd let it go to answerphone. If there's an emergency then she will leave a message and of course you can respond. She might call back repeatedly the first time or first few times but if you stick to your guns she will get the message. Don't call back until after working hours.

Viviennemary · 05/11/2015 14:15

I'd tell a white lie and say you were getting into trouble for taking too many phone calls during your working hours. and your firm couldn't get through. This would have probably been the only thing my Mum would have taken notice of.

StepAwayFromTheEcclesCakes · 05/11/2015 14:15

do you have an answer machine? I would record a nice message saying Devondarlings is working at the moment and unable to answer your call leave a message and if It is urgent she will call you back asap. non urgent messages will be dealt with after xxx o'clock. then vet them and deal with as appropriate. this way you can respond if it is an emergency and call her back for the rest.

pluck · 05/11/2015 14:18

Sorry, but I'm afraid this is your fault for having let her think this is ok. Answering the phone with a terse message, or even for a quick chat is quite a lot less than doing her online shopping during the day! Don't even take an "order" which you're planning to process after hours, because all she will "get" is that you are available (taking an order takes far longer than just hi, sorry, can't talk as I'm on deadline. I'll ring you at Xpm).

You may even have to change your phone number and make yourself completely uncontactable during those hours. She can call your brother with any emergency (and since she seems to respect his time, it will be an emergency).

(No-one rings me; it's the social media messages which distract me! I turn off wi-fi and mobile data on my phone so the genuine calls (e.g. from school) and text messages can get through.)

FaFoutis · 05/11/2015 14:18

My mum is the same, I have ignored two calls from her already today (on answerphone). She tries to come over for a whole day once a week, sometimes I let her then I have to work all night.

Reading this thread has made me realise I need to be much firmer and make no exceptions.