...to expect my mum to respect the fact I work from home

[Devondarlings]

My mum uses the phone impulsively- when a thought comes into her head or something she needs to tell people, she's on the phone. She is very old but not lonely- lives with my dad and has plenty of friends - who she is on the phone to all the time as well.

I work from home. Some days I am really busy, others days not so much. She doesn't respect the fact that I work from home at all. In fact she rarely asks me about my work at all. She thinks nothing of calling me during the day to ask me to get her something online (they don't have broadband and are too old to learn) then calling back maybe 3 times in an hour with updates or changes. I don't think she has made one call recently that could not have waited until maybe 5pm or later.

As their number is withheld - that's what I see on my phone- I always pick up in case one of them is ill and it's urgent.
But it's driving me mad and she doesn't do the same with my brother who is currently working from home.

Is there anyway I can deal with this without hurting her feelings? I have tried not picking up and then she interrogates me asking me where I was when she phoned. If I say I was working she says 'oh ok' but it doesn't stop her from doing the same thing another day.

It's a pity though, that the communication technology which allows us to "look" professional at the end of a phone line/ other side of the screen means that sometimes it doesn't look professional on the other side, e.g. to our relatives, children, people who see us in the playground, etc.

YANBU, my mum does this too. I really sympathise. Over the years I've tried all the suggestions posted on this thread, but she still does it.

x2boys what did your mum say when you told her you'd only been in bed two hours? Bet she wouldn't be happy if you'd rang her at 1am!

You need to let the calls go to answer phone there is no possible emergency that will need a response 5 min sooner (so waiting 5 min to hear the message won't make the difference). You need to tell your mum that you will be doing this and that she will have to get used to leaving messages. Stop with the daughter guilt

If your landline is a BT one, investigate BT Call Sign bt.custhelp.com/app/answers/detail/a_id/8504/~/all-about-call-sign

This lets you add another phone number to an existing phone line without having to have a second line installed. When people dial the second number, your phone rings with a different ring pattern, so you can tell which number they have dialled.

Give the new number to your work contacts to allow you to ignore social calls during the day, and business calls after hours. This is what I do.

I you haven't got a BT landline, I think Skype can do something similar
support.skype.com/en/faq/FA331/what-is-a-skype-number

Stop with the daughter guilt

Yes.

Why do these mothers do it though? I wouldn't phone a friend who worked from home or assume I could take up her working time.

I don't see why an answerphone won't work. You can hear that it's not important as she leaves the msg. You could have an outgoing msg that says "Sorry, there's no one able to take your call right now, please ring later." That will work perfectly well for personal/domestic callsregardless of whether they're for you orwhoever lives there, as well as your mum.

She probably will keep trying at first, but if all she ever gets is the answerphone she'll stop. You can turn it off at 7pm or whenever it is you finish work so that she'll get to know that that's when she'll get you.

Why have you let his get to this stage.? A blunt "I can't talk during the day. Only call of it is an emergency." If she can't follow that when you answer you repeat it and hang up.

How old is she? Are you sure she is too old to learn how to use a basic laptop or even tablet and do her own online shopping? You'd be surprised. Definitely agree with others you need to set clearer boundaries, say it has to wait until 5pm or whenever.

Use different phones for family and work - that's the grown up thing to do.

Be consistent, as you suggest upthread. If she can talk to you one day, but not the next, of course she's going to be confused. If you're bored on a slow day don't call your mum in working hours. Let her have her routine undisturbed. Find something else to do.

Your mother isn't your enemy and MNers aren't your friends.

My Mum called this morning and I ignored the call as I was already talking to somebody else on my mobile. She left a message saying she had to talk to me urgently so would call my mobile.

Two minutes later my phone beeps so I transfer the call and say that I have someone on the other line so can't really chat - she proceeds to keep me in conversation for 5 minutes telling me that she's just taken the dog to the vet and it's got blocked anal glands.

I didn't need to know this whilst trying to organise meetings (in fact I didn't need to know it at all).

Can recommend those call blocker phones linked above. The person calling has to say who they are and then you get a message when the phone rings asking if you want to take X-person's call, put it to answer phone or block the number. It's great. We've not had any spam or cold calls since we got them - previously I'd get spam calls a couple of times a day despite being on BT's no call thingy (forgot the name ).

All an answer phone needs to say is "I am unable to take your call, right now". It doesn't need to specify that you are working. You can set it to kick in after, say 5 rings, which gives you chance to check if it's a number you're wanting to answer the phone to. You can also pick up the phone after someone's started speaking, so needn't miss any calls.

Hah, that makes me laugh, RumpyPumpus - purely because someone got on a bus I was on, recently, and the instant she spotted one started up a loud conversation with someone about something very similar!

MIL, in her mid 70s uses email and text, btw. It's lovely!

Could be worse - could be my mum who drops in all the time.

IMO there is no indulgence or acceptance that Thomas is homosexual. In Series 1 he had an affair with the Duke of Crowborough, while the Crawleys were in London.

The upper classes covered up such dalliances and Thomas has been 'contained' by the Crowleys whilst he works at Downton. The secret of Thomas' sexuality is only kept by the servants and the family to save the reputation of the aristocrats and war veterans he has slept with.

More importantly, Thomas also knows the secret of Kemal Pamuk and Lady Mary (series 1). When Thomas made advances to KP (a closet homosexual who was looking to marry for money) it was Thomas who showed Pamuk to Lady Mary's room that night. But the next day Thomas was shocked to find Kemal dead in his own bed.

Pardon?

I agree with sadwidow28

(Am definitely using that Thomas info as my answerphone message)

eh? Is that you mum?

Jux - i'm assuming the answer machine wont work as the OPs mum, like a friend of mine and my mum used to, would just hang up and call back everytime the answer machine clicked on. My friend called 17 times in a row once. It only works if you turn the ringer off.

One day when i was ill and had gone home from work to bed (which she knew) my mum alternated calling the landline and the mobile for hours till i texted her a very angry sweary message.

Interesting observation sadwidow, but I think you should be on the downtown thread!

From my reading of the OP's post, she has caller ID and an answerphone, but her mum rings and rings anyway and doesn't leave a message.
Her mum rings the home phone and uses a withdrawn number as do some clients, so op has to pick up.
Op also uses her mobile for most of her business calls.

OP's mum rings and rings whenever a thought comes into her head, so she rings at all hours,

The issue is a lack of respect for women who work from home as op has a brother who she doesn't phone all day.
Now, how to help op who is already doing everything suggested.....

Op maybe phone your mum in the evenings every two days, and say very clearly that you've got a lot on and clients are using the phone all day.
During the day.. Tell your mum that you're expecting a client to call, so can't talk, but will phone her later.
Remind your mum that you're on a deadline and will phone her later at 7 or some nominated and mutually agreed time. And stick to it.

Finally and what gets my mum off my back when I'm working at home is that I ring my mobile when on the phone, (I have a mobile phone with a 'ring yourself' button) as soon as my mum calls, I activate a call yourself, and I say "oh mum, a client is ringing, and I have to go, money's money!"
Or I press a beeping button on the landline handset and say there's a client trying to get through, so I have to go.

Persistent goodnatured training is essential. Be cheery but firm.

"I can't talk to you now, I'm expecting a call, I'll ring your at 7 would that suit?" Every every time.

At least she isn't turning up for coffee at all hours, as mine did until I just bustled her out one day, and told her to go to Starbucks!

"Finally and what gets my mum off my back when I'm working at home is that I ring my mobile when on the phone, (I have a mobile phone with a 'ring yourself' button) as soon as my mum calls, I activate a call yourself, and I say "oh mum, a client is ringing, and I have to go, money's money!"
Or I press a beeping button on the landline handset and say there's a client trying to get through, so I have to go."

VenusRising You are a genius. I didn't think of doing this, but I luffs you for doing so