AIBU to want my DM to just back off a little

[merrygoround51]

Backstory - DM is alone, has been since I was 11. She did sterling work raising us alone and on little but can be a bristly difficult personality which I usually manage and don't let bother me. She relies on her DC's a lot, which is fine and I just see this as the carousel of life.

I work 3 days and Mum looks after my 2 DD's - 4 and 8, 3 afternoons a week. I pay her as you would a childminder.
She is caring, kind etc but is hypercritical - clothes too late, lunches too big, kids too tired etc etc etc

The problem is that my 4 year old DD is quite a challenging character and can behave quite badly. She goes through phases of being absolutely fine and then just being a terror and I am doing the best i can to control this but thus far am not getting it right.

My DM has taken to basically constantly telling me I need to get this in order and adding to the stress when I get in of an evening. Basically I get in at 6, DM wont drive anymore so I have to pack DD's into the car and drive DM home. This in itself is annoying but ok, but quite often my DD will kick off as she is tired/acting naughty. Rather than allow this escalate I quietly get her into the car but my DM can just throw fuel on the fire saying things like ' well you can get another minder if you dont want to drop granny home' cue more screaming from DD and me then letting rip at DD and tut tutting from my DM.

I know my DD can often be challenging and that its important to deal with these things but AIBU to want to come home to a house where my children are happy and my DM/CM isnt adding to stress.

Its really wearing me out!

Apologies for the rant.

Why did she stop driving? Does she still have a car?

I think your DM needs to get the bus. I don't know any employer/employee relationships where the employer has to drive the employee home! Obviously it is a bit different with her being your DM but it doesn't sound like the bus would be massively inconvenient to her but it is clearly causing a problem for you and, more importantly, DD. How does your DM get to you in the mornings?

"I feel terrible putting her on a bus."

You're not "putting" her on a bus though. She is an adult who is more than capable of getting herself to and from her place of paid employment (which just so happens to be yours). If it no longer suits you to drive her home afterwards, and the bus is preferable to driving then she's quite capable of catching a bus or calling a taxi under her own steam.

I know it's easy enough for us to sit behind our internet devices and tell you to ditch the guilt and stop fannying about after your mum, but you really should give it a whirl.

Just send her a text the next time she is awful on the way home and tell her it no longer suits you to drive her home any more. Use your DDs tiredness as an excuse if you like. I don't doubt your mum will be nasty and make you feel rubbish, but it's the first necessary step to forming a better, adult relationship with her.

She wants it both ways. She wants you to pay her at the going rate and to pay her the full rate for all holidays, too. At the same time she doesn't want to do the proper job (which would involve homework) and she wants you to take her home, even though she can drive. So while she's working, she thinks she's the granny, coming for a visit.

As I said before, you are in a strong position. She needs the money and she needs the family contact. Even though raising this issue might cause a problem, it's unlikely to stop her working for you.

I think if you drop the lifts and ask her to do the homework, your DM might ask you to come home earlier to facilitate her getting home by 6. Am I right? This clearly isn't working and your 4yo is just being a 4yo at that time of day a knackered and she wants to be home at 6 just like your mum. Whose needs trump the others? Personally I'd go for yours as you need to work and your children need to home and settled by a certain time. You probably need to find an alternative child care option, ignoring your guilt for not being thankful enough your mum had you (your friends words). Hope you find a solution soon

She doesn't do homework with them?

She won't drive at the age of 63? I think it's up to her to get a bus then. That's ridiculous. You can't put tired children in a car for half an hour at bedtime because a perfectly young childminder doesn't want to get the bus.

Call her bluff and tell her you will find a proper childminder and pay her if she cannot refrain herself from saying things in front of a tired 4 year old. My DD is 4 and has recently started school. I'd hate to have to bundle her in the car at that late time to drop someone home 3 nights a week, she needs to go to bed at 7. 6.40 is far too late for homework, that's when we go upstairs to do our bedtime routine.

The bus will be fine, she is a grown woman. She can catch a bus.

I think I'd go for sending her home in a taxi, if you can afford it. I don't think I'd feel comfortable putting my mum on a bus either, especially in the dark.

It's 6 o'clock in the evening! Unless she's travelling across No-Man's Land!

I go out in the evening later than that. I'm sure she'll be fine!

"as my oldest friend put it 'Your mother is the only mother I know who thinks her children should thank her for giving birth to them'"
That is very telling . Listen to your friend.

I think if you're paying your DM the going rate then she needs to carry out the CM/nanny stuff that goes with that. She should be doing the DC's HW with them and going home by herself otherwise this relationship with her cannot continue for everyone's sake. When you're paying her the going rate she has to be the childcare professional. It would be a completely different scenario if she were doing you a favour.

I do hope you get this resolved, especially for your DD's sake. I had a similarish situation with my father and DS1 which ended with us going LC/NC with my father. It had to be done for DS's sake. We've discussed it since with DS, now 21, and it was definitely the correct thing to do. He had felt he was in the wrong because he was the child, but our action reassured him.

What sort of property does your DM have? Could she have the DC there and you collect them from there and bring them home?

Not legally unless she's a registered CM.

I would start by easing her into getting the bus (e.g. you have someone popping round immediately you get home once or twice and then take her home on Fridays when it's less important to get to bed early), and if it's causing major drama, go with a taxi.

I would be cautious that your DM isn't saying things like this when you aren't there, though.

Hi - quick update. DM got the bus Wednesday and Thursday (almost door to door and a 10/ 15 minute journey) I felt a bit mean but it was nice to settle into the evening routine with no upset. I think we will aim for the bus and if its raining then offer a lift.

I would be cautious that your DM isn't saying things like this when you aren't there, though. That is definitely not her style she would never bad mouth me to the children, she is a bit diva ish but not vindictive

Brilliant update.

Great outcome.

Don't feel bad feel good!

Excellent news! How did you broach the subject?

Well done, OP! Sounds like a nice outcome for all of you.

How did you persuade her, OP?

Well done! Can you now have the conversation about how you both handle your DD? (who is clearly a chip off the old block and takes after her grandma...)

Gruntled I didn't really, I just said, 'oh look if you leave now you will make the bus'. At the weekend I did bring Mum out for breakfast while the girls were at tennis though!

Missymayhem you said it! We actually had a chat about how DD is easily wound up and how its very unhelpful and unfair on DD. I think she got it.

Delighted I shared this on MN, it really helped calm me down and get some perspective!