AIBU to want my DM to just back off a little

[merrygoround51]

Backstory - DM is alone, has been since I was 11. She did sterling work raising us alone and on little but can be a bristly difficult personality which I usually manage and don't let bother me. She relies on her DC's a lot, which is fine and I just see this as the carousel of life.

I work 3 days and Mum looks after my 2 DD's - 4 and 8, 3 afternoons a week. I pay her as you would a childminder.
She is caring, kind etc but is hypercritical - clothes too late, lunches too big, kids too tired etc etc etc

The problem is that my 4 year old DD is quite a challenging character and can behave quite badly. She goes through phases of being absolutely fine and then just being a terror and I am doing the best i can to control this but thus far am not getting it right.

My DM has taken to basically constantly telling me I need to get this in order and adding to the stress when I get in of an evening. Basically I get in at 6, DM wont drive anymore so I have to pack DD's into the car and drive DM home. This in itself is annoying but ok, but quite often my DD will kick off as she is tired/acting naughty. Rather than allow this escalate I quietly get her into the car but my DM can just throw fuel on the fire saying things like ' well you can get another minder if you dont want to drop granny home' cue more screaming from DD and me then letting rip at DD and tut tutting from my DM.

I know my DD can often be challenging and that its important to deal with these things but AIBU to want to come home to a house where my children are happy and my DM/CM isnt adding to stress.

Its really wearing me out!

Apologies for the rant.

You are not responsible for your mother. She is a grown woman.

You are responsible for your dc. The repeating scenario with the driving - dd screaming, you having a go, dm tut tutting - is not beneficial to your dd. You need to put a stop to it.

What's so 'terrible' about her getting a bus for a short journey?

What sort of property does your DM have?
Could she have the DC there and you collect them from there and bring them home?

Have you got a neighbor with a teen who could watch your DC for the short while it would take you to drive you Mum home?
It's just a bad time of the day when everyone is fraught and tired. I think you might have problems with whoever was there.

Blimey your mum is 63 - not a child - of course she can get the bus! You just need to explain that DD and you are tired at that time of the day and so she'll need to get the bus or taxi from now on.
You are an adult too and need to start putting dd's well being above your mums.
I wouldn't want to be dragged out every evening when I'm tired and cranky either.

Pay for her bus if it makes you feel better but she should get a bus!

I think I'd be pushing towards the bus to be honest. That way she gets to keep the income she needs but you don't have the added end of day hassle. I hate saying the word hassle where mums are concerned as I don't have my DM any more but in this case it is causing issues for an already challenging little one at the worst time of day possible.

Give her 2 options the bus home or not looking after them - does your boss give you a lift home from work??

Bus! Gosh you don't want it be herding kids at 6pm after a long day.

Try that first

But why doesn't she drive any more? She is very young to stop driving. My dad only stopped this year, when he was 90!

If she sees herself as very young for her age, might it not help to remind her that actually she is making herself seem older by being so dependent?

I think the obligation thing you are locked into with your dm may be adversely imoacting your kids - and contributing to the behaviour issues. 6pm is quite close to a 4yr olds bedtime? End the lifts and her behavior might improve all day! Pretty good reason to stop the lifts, and a good nudge to examine whether this relationship (with dm) needs sorting out for the family's sake

This is not a formal business relationship, they are mother and daughter, and even though OP pays he mother, the woman probably still feels it is a favour of sorts.

How stressful can this be for 3 times a week? Wouldn't it be easier to ignore your DM's comments?

Sevenday That is exactly it. I think I need to just let DM get the bus and settle down to homework, bedroom routine etc at 6pm rather than 6.30/6.45. Its too late and its all a rush.

Doesn't she have a bus pass so the bus is actually free anyway? I think if you are paying her market rate and she's not paying tax on it she's getting a very good deal!

Gotta, it sounds pretty stressful as it's not just the DM's comments but the fact that the DD reacts to them, the OP has to deal with that, and the DM tuts and disapproves.

Gotta I sort of know it shouldn't be that stressful but somehow it just really is. I can't seem to shrug off the criticism, sniping and find the fact that on 3 of my DD's school days we are not settling into homework until 6.40 very stressful.

Gotta I totally agree that its not a normal CM relationship and I dont treat it as such.

I think I generally am fair, DM gets full pay for our and her holidays so that even though she gets a lot of time off she is never out of pocket.

I think I'd go for sending her home in a taxi, if you can afford it. I don't think I'd feel comfortable putting my mum on a bus either, especially in the dark. How does she get to yours in the morning?

When you say DM 'won't' drive, does that mean she's given up her license and car or just that she 'prefers' not to drive? My mum had her license and car for about 3 years after she gave up driving, but she knew she wasn't really 'safe' driving and chose to stop.

Your DM needs not to be dependent on you for income anyway - what's she going to do once your children are in school?

Merry
Yeah,..I realise, sorry if I sounded like it was just trivial.
You seem to be taking on quite a bit of responsibility making sure your Mum has an income, which should not be your problem.
Can you not get this across to her? That you want it to work for both of you and you would appreciate it if she could just keep remarks to herself to save trouble?
I think in your Mum's situation I would back off with the comments and be grateful for the income.

Hang on, why isn't your mum doing homework with your daughter? 6.40 is far too late for a little girl to be working.

Your mum can't have it both ways. You're paying her - she should be treating it like a job. And there are not many jobs where the boss gives you a lift home!

This is just going to get worse. You really need to sort it out with her - I know you said you have a peculiar relationship with her, but even if you just make sure homework is done and she gets herself home, that will make life much easier.

Could you say something like - you've spoken to DDs nursery who have advised trying certain strategies, e.g ignoring the bad behaviour, focusing on the positive, lots of praise, etc, basically whatever it is you want your mum to start doing. That way you can get DM on board without questioning her ideas.

Incidentally, you could see if nursery have any ideas.

You could even say nursery have said she's overtired so they suggest DM gets taxi, and that homework is done straight after school maybe!

I think your mum either needs to do the homework and get the kids ready for bed before you get home from work so she can still have a lift

OR

she leaves it to you and gets the bus home.

Or, if you have a DP, she stays for tea and one of you drives her home after the kids are in bed?

Or, if you have a DP, she stays for tea and one of you drives her home after the kids are in bed

Thats sounds a good idea
( if you can stand her being there a bit longer?)

To be honest I'd say Mum just wants to get home to her own house at 6pm - most people would !