Everyone is jealous because I have a girl!!!!!

[MeganLew]

This is exactly what one my friends said to me today! She wreckons that some of her friends (who have only boys) are jealous because she has a "princess". She asked me if I find that people who only have children of one sex (she clearly meant boys) are jealous because they didn't end up having a girl, seriously what kind of person or normal person thinks this way never mind comes out and says it?.... I just so happen to have two girls and a boy but if all three of them had have been boys I wouldn't have felt envious of those who had girls not one bit.

The thing is my friend had two boys first and didn't hide her disappointment about the fact they weren't girls, but later pretended that she was happy "with her boys" A couple of years later she became pregnant again and was that desperate to know if she was expecting a girl that she persuaded a private clinic to scan her at 15 weeks instead of the usual 16/20 to find out the sex. She had a little girl and since she was born she has been all about her and she treats her boys so differently and is kind of mean to them. She goes on and on about how lucky she is that she's got a little girly and that she feels sorry for anyone who has all boys.

One of her so called close friends posts pictures of her two boys on Facebook quite regularly as she's very proud of them and all my friend had to say was that she was secretly jealous of her for having a girl and that she is bitter, but to me my friend is completely nuts, so aibu to want to distance myself from her? She clearly has issues and thinks that she's the perfect mother and has the perfect family when I know that in reality nothing could be further from the truth.

Well I am one daughter who will NOT be caring for elderly parents. If they can't manage on their own they are going in a care home or my brother can do the arse wiping.

We must not expect our daughters to be the ones to look after the elderly whilst our sons get let off the hook.

What mild said.

If people stopped treating boys and girls so differently, and expecting such different things, maybe they'd see children rather than boys vs. girls.

As nursie said "a boy without a winkle is a girl". Simple as that. Not two completely different species.

I admit to having a gender preference before children. But then I realised there's nothing I can do with a boy that I can't do with a girl, and vice versa. ballet, football, tree climbing, crafts, all can be done by either sex.

fair or not i think there is some truth to what nananina says. i have lots of brothers my father was living with them theyre adults, his needs are not so severe that he cant be left alone for half the day. but he needs meals cooked and assistance with bathing, and meds. They couldn't be bothered that is the sad truth. i couldn't turn a blind eye to the neglect so i have taken over his care. my husband does the bathing and helps with appointments, he had his mother with him prior to us marrying. but since he was working i took over mil primary care.

If my mother were still alive i know i would have her too. btw i have a sister and sadly its not true that us women are all naturally caring individuals, she turned a blind eye to the needs of my parents, especially my father. i was at a distance she was very close by and ignored it. When i suggested i take dad no one was encouraging me not to despite me having hands full with small kids and mil already. As soon as i took him they were insisting it was too much work for me and theyd help, several months on no one even visits to see him nevermind the help, and yes i am bitter over their actions.

so there is some truth in what she says but i see things changing i can think of a fair few male carers, whereas when i was in my 20s all of them were women.

What a fool. Of course if she'd had a boy she'd be telling herself everyone was jealous of that too.

Some people just suffer from an insane degree of special-snowflake-itis.

Until I had DCs I'd never heard the saying about a daughter being a daughter all her life.

My DH has just one brother, and for whatever reason, they have stayed very close to their parents. My DH is close geographically speaking, and now that we have the DCs we see them several times a week. Even before we had the DCs, my DH made a real effort to go round and see than once or twice a week.

Although his parents aren't perfect (but then neither am I!), they've always been kind and welcoming to me and never interfered in our marriage or how we raise the DCs. As a result, I'm happy to spend time with them. I've been on Spa days with MIL, out for lunch just the two of us etc. We've been on family holidays all together etc. of course, if I felt a moment that they ever thought I wasn't good enough for their son or judged me as a parent etc I wouldn't want to spend much time with them. When the time comes (hopefully far off) that one of them passes away, I'll willingly include the one left behind even more in our family life. So the sons parents can sometimes be as included as the wife's parents.

That said, there isn't the long shared history and unconditional love that's shared between DM and I, I speak to DM about very personal things that I couldn't say to MIL. But I guess that's only natural.

kata but increasingly now some hospitals are refusing to divulge this information because in some areas it is a problem. - isn't this to do with religion though? My mum has always said they don't tell certain people, even when she was pregnant. It's sad that they even have to consider this.

I HATE anything that implies that EVERY woman/mum wants a bloody daughter! I do not give two shits about what the sex of my babies were/are. When I was pregnant, I was happy because I was pregnant, that's it. I didn't care what sex the baby was. Turned out I was having a boy. (we have a lot of boys in our family, so that's all anyone said) if he had been a daughter, I wouldn't have been disappointed at all though, it's a baby!

I understand if some want to carry on trying for a certain gender, fair enough, but I think there is a certain point where you have to stop, when it's actually showing how desperate and unsatisfied you are after numerous births. How would that make the other kids feel knowing they aren't enough?

I find it heartbreaking to see women disappointed with having just boys! What is so great about having a girl? Why are boys worse than girls?
I think it's absolutely disgusting how anyone could vocally portray their disappointment about what sex their kids are! It would break my heart for my son to ever find out that some other mum would be so ungrateful to have a boy, a son, him, as their kid! Surely it would turn into resentment? How is that fair at all?
The fact that you say she shows more attention to the girl..? Nasty.

As for people saying 'you rise boys for someone else' etc...
My dp is always going round to see his mum, grandparents etc. If they needed help, he would always be there. So all boys grow up to neglect their mothers? What morals were they raised with?

Bottom line... if I never have another baby, my son is all I need. I don't care if I have a daughter or not. If I had another baby, boy or girl, I would not be the slightest bit fucking bothered about what the gender was! I'd want a healthy baby, that's ALIVE, at the end of it all!

We need to be combating that kind of stereotype, not passing it on

Exactly. I have absolutely no expectation that either of my DCs (a DS and a DD) will be looking after me / taking me to the hospital / wiping my arse in my old age. And it is the expectation that pushes women into this role.

As for the saying "A daughter's a daughter all of her life and a son's a son till he get's him a wife." the only people who I have heard say this are people of a certain generation who don't see women as individuals who have careers and are financially independent of men.

Op your friend sounds poisonous.

ohmakemeover no not religion it's a cultural issue. but i don't think they discriminate over colour as such, meaning even if the expectant mother is British Caucasian they will apply the same rule if that hospital has decided upon it.

i heard a report on the radio years ago, that british couples of my generation (im 35)are willing to travel abroad to have abortions knowing they have are expecting a female baby usually because of pressure from the in laws to produce boys? Apparently girls bring more costs to the family they are seen as a burden, whereas the son brings in the money lol, sorry not funny but it makes me laugh in a bitter angry sort of way.

its more sad that british citizens are doing this they can't blame their parents for the backward attitudes they live in Britain they have a choice there is no social stigma here regarding gender either way.

^ Yes, I have heard that and it happens. It's so sad. Especially when the mother doesn't agree but has no choice. No consideration for the risks to her. Vile.

What I've never understood about them situations though is if they terminate all female babies, WHO is going to grow up to be the women to birth the boys in future?

Mildvirago I don't know if your intended to sound so rude, but that's certainly how you come across. I'm somewhat older than you and was at the forefront of Women's Liberation in the 1960s and 70s and was absolutely certain that males and females were socially conditioned to behave in certain ways. I bought dolls and houses for my sons and refused to let them have guns - but they never played with the dolls and made guns out of stickle bricks and lego. Over the years after observing my own and my friend's children I became convinced that there is something innate in the way the different genders function. Yes there may be social conditioning at play but I still believe there is something innate that explains the difference between girls and boys and their preferences as children and adults.

I have also argued that women are meant to perform all sorts of tasks (including caring for children, and their elderly parents) because of society's expectations and that women don't have a gene that means they are better at cooking, child care, looking after the elderly. However I do believe that by and large (I know there are exceptions) women are more empathetic than men. I believe that as children, little girls spend time talking to each other and finding out about their friends, whereas boys tend to play football and charge around, and don't actually talk to each other very much. This I think makes women more interested in human relationships and more empathetic.

I am now in my 70s and over the decades my views have shifted and dare I say I have the value of life experience.

Mind you don't sound very empathetic so I guess you are the exception to the rule!

Chippednailvarnish I don't expect my sons or dils to care for me when the time comes, and I've made that quite clear. I imagine my DH will care for me as he enjoys robust good health and is extremely fit. Otherwise I will pay someone. I wouldn't expect a daughter to do that either, because I found it difficult caring for my elderly parents, even though it was shared between us 4 girls. I just mean I think a daughter would be more company and we would have a closer relationship than I have with my sons and dils.

The quote I gave you say you've only heard it from "people of a certain generation" (why don't you say older people because that's what you mean) who don't see women as having careers and being independent of men. That is an absolute stereotype of older people. I am in my 70s but I can assure you that I still hold on to the values of women's liberation that consumed so much of my time in the 1960s and 70s. I certainly had a career and I'm sure many other women of my age did too.

Ironically you state that we "need to be combating this stereotype and not passing it on" and then proceed to make a very stereotypical comment about people "of a certain generation."

I think NanaNina is spot on, but I think it is more to do with socialisation than biological differences between the sexes. Girls are expected to be more nurturing and are probably 'pulled up' more when they are not. Boys are expected to be more thoughtless and so it is brushed off more when they are. Whilst this may not be true of their parents, it is certainly true of the wider society.

How often do we hear of men not remembering or bothering with birthday or Christmas presents, leaving their wives to buy for both sides of the family? How many men might have lost contact with parents or other family members, if not for wives encouraging these relationships?

When I was expecting my first child I chose not to be told. I gave birth to a beautiful girl. My mum had said previously it will be better if you have a girl for your first as you'll understand the child better. Didn't understand that then and don't now. My lil lovely DD was always trying to paint make up on me lol, I played along but loved rough n tumble games with her. Fast forward and I have a gorge lil boy, we rough n tumble play the same as I did with DD. I love it but it's definitely less personal or interactive than with dd, it's more just thumping around! Witwoo boys

And girls, live my DD to infinity xxxxxx

My friend openly stated that she wanted a girl. Then she had a boy and I had a girl. With her second pregnancy she stated the same. She had a boy and I had a girl. Each time she was disappointed not to have had the girl she wanted.

Then they were going to adopt and started the application process 'to have a girl'. Then she concieved again and had another boy.

Then they restarted the application process because they still 'wanted a girl'.

I think they are no longer persuing adoption because they have their hands full with their boys.

I think your opinions are clearly based on your relationship with your sons not living up to what you imagine a relationship with a non-existent daughter would be Nana.
You can't say one way or the other if a daughter would want to go on days out with you, it's just an idea perpetuated by buying into the "raising girls for yourself but you raising boys for someone else" claptrap.

As for your claim that you were at the forefront of the women's liberation movement in the 1960's. Well given the "advice" I have seen you offer previously, along with your assertion that "boys tend to play football and charge around, and don't actually talk to each other very much", I'll assume that you have abandoned your previous ideals and decided to go back to the sexist stereotypes of girls playing dolls and boys playing football...

I'm sorry it came across as rude, NanaNina. I stand by what I said, however, and I'm far from the only poster who has pointed out that no science has ever demonstrated female hardwired nurturing, and that there are a whole host of purely social reasons why women tend to take on nurturing roles. Basically, it doesn't matter that you bought your sons dolls and avoided guns if the rest of the society they live in was being terrified that dolls would 'make them gay' and shouting 'big boys don't cry' and telling them they are supposed to be 'rushing around playing football and not talking to one another'.

And truly, the expectation of daughterly company is often a sentimental stereotype. My parents have three daughters, but all three live in different countries to them so there's little chance, despite considerable love. Are we less emphathetic because we pursued careers abroad, rather than stayed close?

I did have a moment of :( recently when I realised I didn't have a daughter to go shopping with. And then I remembered that I don't really like shopping anyway and any daughter I had might not like that either :o

I had a young mum yesterday at the bus stop ask me if I thought she was wrong to buy her little boy a toy pram. Apparently as I was a lady bus driver I'd give her support as her family had told her to tell him no because he's a boy. Boys don't want girls toys or babies unless they're " funny ". Poor wee lad is desperate for one. I told her I thought he should have it if he wants it. She agreed but felt so much pressure as her family insist on only boys toys. Clearly conditioning does still happen to an extent. I didn't manage to fall pregnant til I was almost 30. I didn't care what dd would have between her legs. I just wanted her born and ok. Lost 2 since then and am down a fallopian tube so again if I had another pregnancy the gender would be the last thing on my mind

:( Nota

My boys had the little buggy toy and they loved pushing about their teddies in them - sort of a cop out as a teddy is clearly more "manly" than a doll :o, but they never asked for a doll.

My DH was a SAHD so I guess they just wanted to do what Dad did. I remember reading a book with younger DS and there was a Duck with all the Ducklings and he said "Oh look, Daddy Duck and all his babies" It me me :o and :( at the same time.

She sounds totally crazy.

That said, I think there is nothing unreasonable in people wanting children of each sex, so you get the full "breadth" of experience as it were.

I would be disappointed if I ended up with all boys, as I would have no-one to share more female life experiences with. Likewise, I would be disappointed if I ended up with all girls, as I am already quite used to girls via having sisters and would like the different experiences that come with having a boy.

There's nothing awful or horrendous about that.

I find it very tiresome how many posts you get on MN at the moment about how horrendously "boy hating" society is. It's just so patently bullshit (men are still by far favoured across society in pretty much every single walk of life), that it screams of precious mummy syndrome.

My sister had 3 boys before she had a girl. They werent going for a girl and had no real desire for one. She got pregnant and had my niece, but she loves all her kids equally and doesnt dress DN up in pretty dresses.

I have a DD, I dont really care if I have another child or not. I'd feel that way if I had a boy instead of a girl.

How is it a different experience having a boy than a girl though?

What are "female experiences" you can only share with girls? Apart from periods, which I don't see as something lovely to bond over :).

I honestly cannot see the difference. The only difference between raising boys vs. girls is the way society treats them. In our little family it would make bugger all difference.

Micah. With a girl you teach them about being a woman, with a boy, you teach them to respect women. Different lesson for the same reason.

That's probably the only difference.

I have no idea what 'precious mummy syndrome', is, Goodness, but yes, there's an interesting discussion to be had on why there's such an anti-boy climate currently (and I do think there is - I doubt I've seen a single 'gender disappointment' post on here bemoaning the fact that the woman in question was having a girl) when in fact society remains patriarchal, with, as you say, men in most positions of power, over-represented in government, the media and in the higher echelons of law, medicine, FTSE 100 companies etc.

Until very recently, having a baby boy in this society was seen as far higher-prestige, which made a depressing sort of sense, because men were, at base, the privileged sex. Now one bit of that has changed - men remain in positions of power, but having a baby boy is no longer automatically seen as the better option. What's going on, exactly?

How do we get from 'Oh, poor old you, you must be very disappointed not to be having a girl' to the paygap, under-representation of women in positions of power etc etc?