To ask how do you manage to stay friends with nice people who have values very different to your own

[ginorwine]

Old friends .fun nights out .kind .
They both have businesses and do very little .eg the female only has bookings once in blue moon , months apart etc .claim wtc and therefore are not obliged to sign on and be hassled by job centre to look for work .
She says she has great time .walks the dog , days out , massages etc .v little pressure .happy to use taxpayers money to fund lifestyle .says it's her time to relax etc .
Only 50 .chooses to work cple hrs a week for eg .
My issue is if everyone used this strategy there would not be enough money in the pot to help vulnerable people .
Whilst their choices are not my business I have started to feel uncomfortable when out with them as they openly discuss this and the proud fact they have paid no tax this year etc and how she is looking after herself and my values are that we should all contribute to a system as we can according to our ability .
She has no health issues.
So I wanted to ask when you have a lovely fruend but hold different values does it get in the way , or how do you handle it .

They'd no longer be my friends, it's as simple as that.

What would you say ?
Do ?
Just drift away ?
They are lovely people to friends but so very lazy in other ways .

How exactly does she do this? If you are self employed you still have to put in the hours and it has to equate to minimum wage?

I think when it is a moral value that you disagree on, and one party takes pleasure in expressing their view (which runs counter to yours), then you either:

• Agree never to discuss the issue in question

or

• Quietly let the friendship go.

It depends how strongly you feel on the issue in question.

I don't get it. Working tax credit isn't enough to survive on alone so her income is mostly coming from her self employed work surely. Or is she on benefits and just works enough so she doesn't have to attend interviews at the job centre? If so, she can't have much money coming in.

You have to work 16 hours a week for wtc

She's probsbly winding you up.

I have a couple of friends whose politics are very different to mine. They don't get their backs up when talking about it and neither do it. They are also the kind of people who would walk through fire to help me so I let some stuff go.

I can't fathom how it possibly works out so Id just smile, nod and tbh ignore what's being said till the conversation moves on

If you feel very uncomfortable with their values, I would massively cut down, or stop altogether, contact with them. Maybe just keep them as Facebook friends.

I think the rules are tightening considerably around this kind of thing so I don't think she'll be continuing for long OP.

I'm struggling to see how the situation in your OP would work.

However, my best friend has very different values to me. She is quite strictly religious, I am not. We have different views on how to raise our children, halloween, gay marriage etc. She doesn't shove her views down my (or anyones) throat and vice versa. We mostly just avoid those topics, and agree to disagree. Our friendship is much bigger and stronger than any of those issues. It doesn't really sound like yours is so I'd just let it fizzle out as it seems that it bothers you a lot.

I think shared values are quite an important part of real friendship

MrsTP I also have friends with very different politics from my own, who I am still good friends with because we really like and value one another, would go out of our way to help one another, and because they are genuinely nice, kind people despite our fundamental disagreements on some issues. With those people I would let stuff go too. The OP's friends sound a bit different: more like people who are fun in the good times but irksome otherwise without much to compensate. Of course in a short post it's hard to be sure. Only OP knows if it's worth keeping the friendship or if it's more annoying than rewarding.

Well I'm a carer so after I've dropped off at school I sometimes go out for lunch, I walk the dog, read, watch tv and sew. I claim carers allowance so I suppose people might think they are funding me to do all that too. But I have to be on call and hardly ever get any sleep. Atm I'm looking after a post operative patient.

Are you sure you aren't talking about a carer,because the wtc doesn't ring true

I'd cut them off. Quite simple don't reply to texts, calls etc...

You don't have to give a reason why you're not speaking to them.

It would get on my wick too, them sponging off the state with no need to do so. And bragging about it.

I find facebook a nightmare for this kind of thing.

I have lots of friends who I get in very happily with, enjoy seeing etc. Then I see something they've put on facebook which I find completely abhorrent (Britain Frist or something like that) and I can't think of them in the same way.

But I try not to let it affect friendship because I'd never have known about it from 'real' life.

For close friends though, it would be different. I have lots of friends with differing religions and politics to me. But moral issues, I don't think I could handle very well.

We have friends who have vallues that are VERY different to ours. I used to struggle to reconcile it, but not so much now. I actaully find that the 'enhance' my life as I'm happy to consider different points of view and I'm equally happy to openly disagree with them.

It doesn't make for any awkwardness, as I'm very up front and they claim to be in the "I call it as I see it / take me as you find me club"

yes you have to work 16 hours a week to claim wtc, so they arent quite sitting on arses

I lean very much to the left (thought not quite all the way there) most of my friends and DHs friends lean very much to the right.
We just don't discuss politics but I do sometimes wonder how I managed to make lots of these friends with such different values. These are old friends though the few I have made in the past year or so seem to have a lot of the values I do.

I think whether they should get what they get is a red herring here. Bragging about how little you pay in tax is not an attractive trait. I haven't met any carers who do this.

You can stay friends with people with values very different to your own if you exercise that value the British so often claim (falsely IMO) is integral to our national character - tolerance.

Just accept they are different to you, that our system is socially constructed and that though it works for you the way you think it ought to work, there will be other people for whom that ideal is not appealing, and they make the best of the lives they have. Keep the political competition over how we ought to live for the public sphere and let your friendship develop and strengthen over the things you appreciate about them, not the things you don't.

My sister and I have diametrically opposing views on lots of things, gay marriage, sex before marriage, feminism etc. We just agree to disagree, I think she is basically a very kind person who, when push comes to shove, would not hurt another person regardless of their sexuality/ political viewpoints. If she actively incited hatred it would be a different matter and I would stop seeing her.

It is slightly amusing to see her avoid the issues in my company, for example if I mention my gay friends. It would be very boring if we all held identical views.

DH and I have massively opposing political views. I.e. one is very Anti Tory and voted Labour at the last GE and the other voted Tory in the last and every preceding GE

He has many redeeming qualities which means I can forgive him his lapse in judgement. However, we long ago chose not to discuss politics of any form and it works for us.

I have many acquaintances that have very different views to me. I refuse to discuss certain issues with them and this is why they are acquaintances (it is difficult to get below the surface). I don't expect my friends to have exactly the same views but I do expect to broadly have the same values.