To dislike my children

[2plus3equalsus]

I feel like I'm at the end of my tether at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I used to think I was a nice person until I had children, now I think I'm an awful person. I'm utterly fed up. Some days I feel sick to the stomach and my chest feels all tight- because of how they behave. How awful is it to feel like that about my own children?!

I have DTs (almost 2.5 yo) and I'm finding them so hard to handle. They won't do anything I say. Everything is a battle, from the school run to putting a nappy on. They wail nearly all day long- well it feels like it because when one isn't wailing the other is.

The school run is hell (I have a 4 yo too- who is a doodle compared to them and he has his moments). We are the family that everyone stares at. They refuse to walk, scream at me etc. I'd take them in the pushchair but I physically can't get them and when I've finally managed to get them in they just scream and eventually climb out (they are strapped in as tight as I can!). I've tried bribing them, but they're not interested. They are so stubborn.

I get a break from them when they nap, but getting them to nap is a struggle. But I find if they don't nap they're so naughty by late afternoon. They hit, throw toys etc.

We go to playgroups and music classes but thats only a couple of hours of a day and I still have to fill all the other hours. E.g I can't take them to the supermarket. I can't get them in the trolley and if they walk they just run off. I can't go to town. I can't go to the library as they mess up the books. They misbehave & never listen. Although if we stay at home they just don't really play with toys. They just go round messing up the house, pouring toys on the floor messing up beds etc. i feel like I have nowhere to go!

I feel like I've lost control and I like to feel in control so it's an awful place to be. I think I'm consistent with rules etc.

I'm just fed up with feeling like this about them. I just want to feel content with family life.

I'm worried I'm going to end up resenting them and we'll never have a good relationship.

I'm posting this to get it off my chest really but I also welcome any advice.

op I have felt like you! mine wont be strapped in anywhere every meal I get climbed over, has never been strapped into high chair, never would sit in super market trolly its been so hard, wont be strapped into push chair nor car seat, its very very intense and hard for anyone whose child will sit for a bit to understand.

Its made me constantly on edge and I have to watch all the time.

However every day it gets a teeny bit better and I know the end is in site somewhere. I am counting down the days to nursery funded place. I am the only person I know who has no family help, no baby sitting at all and no money for nursery until the free place comes.

Its been intense but soon, I will have those few hours alone and go into recovery. I cant do anything I am totally stuck and trapped.

soft play is best for us, but cant do play park as they require my intense involvement, not at the age where i can sit and leave.

But the OP isn't complaining about tiredness, just the need to be herself occasionally. I suggested she went to work because she'd have adult company and would be able to think straight for just a few hours a week.

for you, you are not a bad mother. You just have a lot on your plate.

I had at one point 3 under 3 (but not twins) and absolutely hated most of it I remember literally counting down the minutes until DH got home from work.

From what I can remember, a few things I did to make it easier -

1. At night, look at the them all sleeping (assuming they are all asleep at the same time ) this way, you feel a lot of love for them and it sort of balances out the "oh god why won't you shut up" feelings you get for the other 23 hours :)

1. Baths aren't just for evening. I used to put mine in at all hours of the day - they were in an enclosed space, they played with bath toys and I sat on the floor and read crap magazines

1. I realise I may sound like Xenia but I found going back to work saved my sanity. Would your DH be able to be a SAHP for a while if you want to do this? I know childcare etc logistics are difficult and you might not want to anyway, but it worked for me. I then enjoyed the time I spent with them outside work and DH was a better parent than me

1. Time on your own if at all possible. Even a long hot bath or an hour reading in bed - if you can do this wear earplugs and ask DH not to disturb you unless there is blood or sickness :)

And remember, it will get easier. I disliked the early years and felt very much like a rubbish mother but I just wasn't suited to it and luckily DH was great. If it's any consolation, mine are now teens and I am in my element. Love having older children. I think some of us are suited to different stages.

It will get easier, I absolutely promise you!

This is pretty normal but can be improved. it is possible to get children like yours listening to you and pretty much doing as they are told without becoming psychologically oppressed, but there is a distinct knack to it that sometimes (often?) needs to be explicitly learned by the parents. Think of it as training for the parenting Olympics as you have so many little ones at once. Most people can get away with less but in your situation there is a case for serious training.

1. The usual recommended texts at parenting classes are either something called the Triple P parenting programme (which is a kind of handbook that runs alongside a parenting course of something like 6-12 weeks) or 1-2-3 Magic, which is a slightly cheesy US book but very worthwhile, and based on fairly solid academic evidence surrounding operant conditioning and behaviourist psychology. 1-2-3 Magic is probably the easiest of the two, can be read fairly quickly, and can be used with children over 2. You do not necessarily have to attend a course in order to use it, whereas Triple P is set up more along the lines of needing a course.

1. First of all you need to stop doing some of the more challenging activities, like supermarkets. This can come back later when they are more controlled when out.

1. Absolutely maximise nursery time for them where possible. Sitting at home with three under fives including twins is enough to turn anyone into a gibbering wreck. In nature people would have been bringing up children in little groups along with sisters and other local women. This modern arrangement whereby it's basically left to individuals to struggle on alone at home is not very helpful psychologically. Hence nursery being so useful.

1. Strict routines help sometimes, as does a lot of exercise early on in the day, but clearly with three of the little blighters that is going to be easier said than done.

1. Can you get someone to go down to the park with you to be an extra pair of hands, even if you have to pay them? it would make such a difference to be able to wear them out properly as well as keeping sane.

I think you are brilliant, OP, and even though I have had four children and have a PhD in Education, Qualified Teacher Status so used to teaching 30 at once, and used to be a nursery nurse, I would bloody struggle with what you are trying to do. Seriously.

Hi

Not RTFT but also had twins (without a four year old as well) so you have my sympathy and respect.

You are not rubbish. They are not naughty. It's just that you have twice as many terrible twos to handle at one time and they each have only half the attention and energy you'd have with a singleton, so it's four times harder than if you had one, not twice. (This was explained mathematically in a twins book I read once. It does compute.)

Another mum of twins said it upthread, but I agree, at that age, the best places are the park and soft play. We went twice a day to the park, whatever the weather, when they were that young. I'd have gone mad otherwise. We'd kick up leaves or poke sticks in the pond, go up and down the slide, and I could still wedge them both, back to back, into one safety swing (which looked very cute and they loved it.)

Tire them out physically. Try to find the quietest soft play sessions so they aren't getting into scrapes with other kids, which is even more stressful. Give them no sugar at all ever. Not at this age. Not if they are tornadoes. We had picnics outside all the time to save the mess in the kitchen. Supermarket runs worked by timing them with snack time. They'd sit down if bribed with a favourite snack and drink which kept them busy. But you can also rely more on online deliveries at that age.

Have a rigid routine. Out in the mornings wearing them out, back in the afternoons with some quiet time, then out again to let off steam in the late afternoons. If they won't nap, don't make them, but do stick them in front of a DVD or CBeebies for an hour while they have a snack and you have a cup of tea.

If they go to nursery, ask for them to go on separate days so you get a bit of individual time with them, as it will make you feel less rubbish. I felt like supermum when I only had one at a time.

It passes. These days I miss them horribly when they're at school as I work from home during the day and can't wait to see them.

I second going back to work!!

I love my children, they're fairly straightforward, but it's bloody hard work! Going to work is a break!

The irony is I'm a teacher so am in charge of 30 five year olds at work - but so much easier than my three pickles at home!

Childcare is so expensive though. Can grandparents help at all? If not just know this is only temporary and once they get into nursery they'll be too exhausted to challenge you as much!

You have my sympathy. Two year olds are horrible and you have two of them. My Timehop app occasionally brings up my pissed off FB statuses from two years ago, when my DD was two, and it brings back now constantly stressed and miserable I was

I also feel like I was a nice person until motherhood brought out all my impatient, short tempered traits.

I love it when people suggest you get a job and dump them in a nursery. Yeah, I'm sure that appeals, but it really isn't that simple, financially speaking, is it? Especially when you have two!

Can you afford any help at all - even for the next few months during winter months, even twice a week for 2 hours (covering the school pick up time). Just having that pair of hands may just help save your sanity. Have you spoken to the local college (if one) to see if they have anyone doing a childcare course who is looking to do some volunteer work in the family home a few hours a week with a family (I don't know if this happens but worth an ask).

I nannied once for three little girls aged 4, 3 and 2 years 3 months. It was hard work, the hardest thing I ever did (the only thing that saved me was the afternoon siesta and the big, pram). It was one of those old siver cross massive things, the littlest went inside, the 3 year old on the pram seat and the 4 year old in reins. I got odd looks for having two toddlers (one quite a big one too) in a pram but I ignored them.

It was sometime ago now since my daughters were Two years old but we did have some fun and games with them back then!.

Don't they call that age the "Terrible Twos" or something like that ?.

Reins. Put them in reins, tell them they're horses and they can clippety-clop everywhere. They'll get more tired because they're walking, too.

When I was a child - 50+ years ago - my brothers and I had them, and we loved them. I still, at 57yo, remember them fondly. I've no idea why people here don't like them. I haven't got into bondage or anything like it, as a result, and that's the only thing I can think of against them

DD had reins. It gave her a bit of freedom while keeping her safe at the same time.

It's not you. It's the twin thing. Promise. And when you have twins + one it's even harder because that shred of sanity you have needs to be invested in your poor hard done by eldest and you're literally left with nothing. No identity, no energy, nothing.

My sanity savings tips:

• let that thick skin grow: people aren't judging you, honest. They are in awe. And if they aren't, they should be. Because frankly woman, you're superhuman just for being the mum of twins + 1.
• run your house like a preschool: each evening (I know you're dog tired but it's worth it) you set out one activity for the morning (even if it's just the farm set out ready to go), one on rotation dvd, and have a few things planned (e.g. a big tub of water, some towels, jam jars and coins)... factor in at least one outing... but make them small scale... the woods to jump puddles, the post box to send a letter...
• routine like your life depends on it: yes even now my DT's are nearly 6, routine is still the order of a peaceful and more successful day (admittedly my +1 has aspergers so that's kinda essential in our house anyway)
• quiet time: so they wanna drop their nap? tough shit. you're a twin mum. They go in their cots, in their rooms, even if it's with some books, a portable dvd player whatever, and that's your 45minutes. No cleaning No nothing. Keep this going until they start preschool. Tea and chill, non negotiable time before the school run.
• let people know you're struggling: there are a lot of offers of help when they're dots and then it starts to tail off because you just look like you're acing it (even when you feel like you're not) because you simply don't have a different option. People don't know how to help so say what would help.
• have a list of jobs: seriously each day starts with a short list of jobs which you need to run around like a bat out of hell doing, and include things like making lunch, so that when it's that time you can just whip it out rather than trying to make it whilst hell breaks loose
• divide and conquer... right, you get mummy the book from my bedside table, you get the bin from the lounge... seriously, make up the jobs to divert. If you have a shopping list take a few seconds and write two - each is responsible for theirs. Or the other thing that works is turning them both against you (seriously) "oooh, where could the red cup be? Tommy had it but he's such a good brother to Timmy he's probably hiding it... I bet together they can keep it hidden for longer... silly mummy with these two clever boys"
• Reward the good - it was this age we introduced sticker charts... you do good, on goes a sticker.
• Gin. Lots of it.

You're doing ace. Honestly. It's tough, and people lead you to believe the hardest bit of twins is when they are babies. It's bollocks - it's when they discover their freewill and you're ground down. You will pick up again.

I couldn't use reins on my arsey two year old. If she felt the slightest tug from me trying to steer her in a different direction, or slow her down, she went bananas. I can see twins tying the OP in knots - literally.

Same driver. Whenever I've tried my 2yo in reins he drops like a rag doll (on purpose!) as soon as he feels any resistance.

2PLUS You are not lazy,selfish,a crap Mum or a bad person you are bloody knackered and fed up and I'm not bloody surprised you poor sod

With the wagons you can get them big enough to fit all 3 DC in if you wanted to,the local private nurserys use them where we live when they take the children out to the park.

Do you have friends or family that would be willing to help out?Even if it's only once a week for 2 hours to watch the twins whilt your oldest DS is at school.If someone could that would mean you could go out for lunch and coffee,go see a film,go swimming,go to the library,hairdressers,what ever you fancied doing or if your having broken sleep at night maybe you could have a nice long nap.

Just doing something you really want to and getting to please yourself for a couple of hours a week would probably do you alot of good and it would give you something to really look forward to when the twins are doing they're tag teaming of trying to turn Mummy grey over night.

Also if there's any colleges near you that have students studying child care they quite often need they're students to gain practical experience,when I was at college one of the women I knew used to have a couple of the girls on the child care courses looking after her children a couple of times a week and there was no charge.

You're tired.

You are definitely not being unreasonable. My two are only 18 months apart and when they were very young, before they went to school/nursery, I spent every day in their company feeling at the end of my tether. From being in control of my life I felt completely overwhelmed by their demands. I used to say to my DH that I could quite easily just pack up and leave, except that I would never leave him. Needless to say I didn't, and it did get much, much better when I wasn't cooped up with them all day. They are now absolutely wonderful, well-balanced, happy adults and I am completely sane! If you can grit your teeth and get through one day after another the fog will lift and the sun will come out again.
Best of luck.

Sorry haven't time for long post but didn't want to run.
I have DTs now 3.5 and DD 5.5
I had 3 under 3 for a year and it nearly broke me.
Last year was so hard- twins at 2 are hard. twins at any stage is hard plus another... Don't even bother comparing yourself to other mums. We are a different species in comparison.
BUT it does get easier, I remember feeling like you mentioned in your post all the time. The exhaustion itself is enough pull you under.
Sorry it's not much help, but I've been there, it gets better. And now they are fun, entertaining people that dare I say it- I like spending time with! I really felt things changed in the last 6 months few milestones make a huge difference.
Good luck with it all xx

Awesome advice from pukkpine

I can't suggest much to help I'm afraid, but I had a very full of beans DC and we found that ditching the buggy at 2.5 actually made DC more tired in a good way and less of a PITA. Reins essential though!

I had 3 under 3. I hated it and felt much like you that I was just crap at mothering. They are now 11,10 and 9 I love it. Its ok to not like certain bits of parenting. It does get easier I swear

At one time I had 2.5 year old twins, a 5.5 year old and a newborn. Exhausting doesn't quite cover. We found a private nursery for the twins for a couple of half days a week. And it does get better.