To dislike my children

[2plus3equalsus]

I feel like I'm at the end of my tether at the moment and I don't know what to do.

I used to think I was a nice person until I had children, now I think I'm an awful person. I'm utterly fed up. Some days I feel sick to the stomach and my chest feels all tight- because of how they behave. How awful is it to feel like that about my own children?!

I have DTs (almost 2.5 yo) and I'm finding them so hard to handle. They won't do anything I say. Everything is a battle, from the school run to putting a nappy on. They wail nearly all day long- well it feels like it because when one isn't wailing the other is.

The school run is hell (I have a 4 yo too- who is a doodle compared to them and he has his moments). We are the family that everyone stares at. They refuse to walk, scream at me etc. I'd take them in the pushchair but I physically can't get them and when I've finally managed to get them in they just scream and eventually climb out (they are strapped in as tight as I can!). I've tried bribing them, but they're not interested. They are so stubborn.

I get a break from them when they nap, but getting them to nap is a struggle. But I find if they don't nap they're so naughty by late afternoon. They hit, throw toys etc.

We go to playgroups and music classes but thats only a couple of hours of a day and I still have to fill all the other hours. E.g I can't take them to the supermarket. I can't get them in the trolley and if they walk they just run off. I can't go to town. I can't go to the library as they mess up the books. They misbehave & never listen. Although if we stay at home they just don't really play with toys. They just go round messing up the house, pouring toys on the floor messing up beds etc. i feel like I have nowhere to go!

I feel like I've lost control and I like to feel in control so it's an awful place to be. I think I'm consistent with rules etc.

I'm just fed up with feeling like this about them. I just want to feel content with family life.

I'm worried I'm going to end up resenting them and we'll never have a good relationship.

I'm posting this to get it off my chest really but I also welcome any advice.

I knew a woman with twins that age a few years back. She looked totally frazzled and defeated. (She also has an older child). It really did improve though, and get easier, once they got a bit older. I have singletons and that stage was hard enough, juggling the demands of both ages. Twins would have finished me off!

they are not "naughty" and you are not illsuited to motherhood. It is just a particularily trying phase. I had 2.5 twins and four year old and it seemed to much worse than previous stages. I can remember ringing up an old acquaintance/friend and saying to her "I just want to slap them" (at this stage they were dancing on tables at mealtimes, making mess everywhere, potty training was just beginning or not beginning as the case may be They wanted to walk when I needed them in the buggy and wanted to go in the buggy when I wanted them to walk.. Other people with twins confessed to the same emotions as me. It is because there is TWO OF THEM and they are going in different directions and wanting YOU all the time.

What saved my sanity was, get someone else in the house occasionally (friend or paid help) to dilute that feeling that it was personal. And remind me that all toddlers are equally tiring. Not let people expect things of me that they expected of other three children families because there are GAPS when you have three chronogical children - it all gets compressed into one screaming bottleneck with twin combo And try to do less, be less perfectionist full stop. Save my energy to survive. And enjoy the fun bits sometimes, the bits where they are running around together playing together, they look sweet in the bath, they both want to climb on you (because they love you, really they do) Clothes can be dirtier, food can be boringer, houses can be scruffier, just enjoy some of the time you have with them now, build towers, build train tracks, bounce on cushions, make tents out of kitchen tables. DON@t do craft though. Wait till nursery. I also did some child swops, so I had just one toddler occasionally, I didn't make every playdate with both twins. Sometimes I ended up with three toddlers but it was worth it.

Also naps are incredibly important. Could you try and push for some corralled time, where they go down for quiet time after lunch, rather than falling asleep at wrong time of day. I lived for naps. I wasn't v organised in other ways but I arranged my whole day around the nap time and never ever took them out in buggy at that time. And saved my strength a bit that way.

Just remember you are A SAINT. make sure people treat you like that. Sunshine, vitamin D, B12 are really important if you are feeling low too. Anxiety is always much worse when you are depleted.

You are not a bad mum. You deserve a massive medal! Having one 2 year old was a nightmare, I cannot imagine what having 2 must be like and I didn't have to deal with the school run as the older one was only in nursery.

Just to repeat, they are not naughty, they are not badly behaved, they are just being terrible twos, with knobs on. IT IS NOT your FAULT, NOR IS It theirs.

Gosh 1 is hard work, two must be tough. How are they getting out of the pushchair? Have you tried using reins in addition to the straps?

Have you tried giving them a snack for the pushchair? Trolley treats are the only way that I get my DD to behave in trolley, bribery I know but needs must.

Can you drive for the school run and use reins when there?

My DD is 3, around 2.5 was difficult, it will get easier. Distraction is a great technique. To make sure that you get a break and they nap I recommend lots of running outside and soft play. Anything you can do to tire them out in the morning, then a hearty lunch then bed.

I read some of Toddler taming and found it helped too btw.

Can you get a houdini strap for the buggy straps? I dont know if this exists or not but I was looking at them for when mine were escaping the car seats at about that age (not an enjoyable phase...) They're not really safe for car seats but can't see why you wouldn't be able to use in a buggy if it would fit.

Are you in a position to pay for a playgroup a couple of mornings a week?

Also looking forward have you got them on a list for when they do ualify for their free hours - I didnt realise you had to do that and they nearly didn't get places. That would have sent me over the edge completley!

I had twins. We read every single book in the world every afternoon. It was the only way to stop them fighting and of keeping my sanity.

And if we accidentally went out the house without reins I wouldn't even get out the car, we went home. Reins were as integral to getting ready to go out as shoes and coats.

Other thing re: toys is. I had too many toys out. I should reduced the no of toys out and hidden most of them, and just kept to one thing, like Brio or toy car and some animals. Then I wouldn't have got cross when they messed things up. Mostly my twins liked playing games with each other, climbing crawling, banging hide and seek sort of games. They didn't do what I would call too much fine motor play at that age, and I think a lot of the toys were too old for them although it said on packaging differently. Fine motor play needs a lot of adult intervention to get started, sitting with a child talking them through the ideas of animals, castles, dollies. Ditto role play. Your advantage is that they have another child to wrestle with dance with sing with bounce with, hide from.

Can you think about putting them into nursery - wither on the same day or splitting them so you have some time with each of them alone?

Can you afford for them to go to a nursery just for half a day per week? It would be something to keep you sane.

I don't have twins but just wanted to reassure you that it is completely normal to feel dislike for your own children sometimes. Dd, now five, nearly drove me demented as she was so totally contrary and would just to the opposite of whatever you wanted. I worked part time so she was in childcare some days though - I think you need a break. As they are 2.5, could they go to a playgroup for a morning or two where you pay and leave them - do you have anything like that around? It could help with behaviour to be in an environment with other adults in charge for a bit. Good luck.

Is there a park next to or near the school? Or in the school grounds? Can you leave half an hour early for school with the sole purpose of 'going to the park to play'. Take a flask of coffee so you can sit and relax for a bit. Do the same after school.

Online shop for everything

Aim for dirty free play outdoors. So streams, puddles, sand, parks, woodlands, leaves. Outdoor picnics. Micro scooters. Drag some friends along.

Messy house play - long baths

Also declutter. Get rid of crap toys. Less mess

What you could do with, really, is getting a part-time job for, say, three mornings a week, and using the money to pay for child-care. Would you be interested in doing that?

Just to repeat, they are not naughty, they are not badly behaved, they are just being terrible twos, with knobs on. IT IS NOT your FAULT, NOR IS It theirs.

What Knitting said ^^. With knobs on.

It's a statistics game. If you have a 2.5yo who is a little bit naughty 40% of hte time, but good 60% of hte time, you'd be pretty happy. But if you have two 2.5yos like htat, you have at least one child being naughty 80% of hte time. Then because there are two of them, and you can only realistically deal with one at a time, it escalates, and escalates, and you have REALLY naughty quite a lot of hte time. *

The only thing you can try and do is ignore the naughty one and give attention to the good one. But that's not always very practical!

*same theory applies to sleep. I.e. you get none.

Yes I've sorted put their nursery. That's what I'm living for!

I actually have a Houdini strap in their car seat (but yes- they can get out of that!) but I'll try it in the pushchair see if it works on there.

They do have lots of toys, I do need to get rid of some and then rotate them. That's a good idea.

We do have reins, last time I used them they both lay on the floor screaming. People were stopping and craning their necks to see what was going on. They don't have a normal scream it like a cross between a roar and a scream- awful. I haven't been back since. I already do most of my shopping online but today for example we've almost run out of nappies and I would have loved just to nip to the supermarket to get some more and maybe have a browse too. But I just know theyd be a handful so I didn't bother. I think I must be really weak because I can barely get them in the trolley. They kick so much I can't guide their legs in and they keep kicking the seat shut. Once a lady can to help me and even she struggled!

But thank you for all your replies, I feel a bit more normal, as recently I've been feeling like a dreadful mum with abnormal feelings.

I have a good friend who had a 2yr old boy and then went on to have 2 ur old twins. She struggled for a couple of years, her twins were hard work! But now they're 5, her eldest is 7. She's just had another baby and all is much calmer, and more fun.
If that helps?

We still are 'that family' although my twins are a bit older now (it is still hard work though). It was hell doing anything with them. They were and are still a real handful (but I have my ways to control them now that they are older - shame the school still doesn't have it sussed though). They still destroy the house and make a mess others parents wouldn't believe. IT took a lot of time and patience to get anywhere or do anything. Lots of outdoor time is good (preferably away from other people). (healthy) snacks would keep them quiet in the buggy if necessary.
I gave up on naps at about 2 y.o. - it took me 2 hours to get them to go down for a 10 minute nap, it wasn't worth the effort, but did manage to get them to bed very early instead which was a bonus. A parenting coach advised me to put them in their room with a stairgate for an hour at nap time even if they don't sleep so I had a break. very quickly they learned to open and empty the wardrobe, then there was the pooing issue...... and the climbing over the stairgate. It was nice for the week it lasted though!
Can you get someone to take them at least one day a week - for your sanity - it will help them too - I wish I had. can you get a friend to pick up ds1 for the school run?

And give yourself credit, being a mum of twins + 1 is incredibly hard, not to mention exhausting. Savour those small moments, that will come, when they play quietly together on their own. Try not to get bogged down in what other people think (I know its hard, should take my own advice).

Bless you, very little advice, but just wanted to say you are being far, far too hard on yourself!

You have demanding 2.5 yr old twins, a four-year-old, and a husband who works long hours away from home and isn't available much when he is at home!

Any one of those elements would be demanding, but you are juggling them all on your own, all at once.

Frankly, you deserve a medal imo just getting out of the front door, never mind actually attending play and music groups!!

No wonder you feel resentful of the situation. You need a break.

I think this situation would be too much for a lot of people frankly. What you need is help and support.

Can your dh reduce his hours for a while? (Or at least stop working when he gets home; it's not fair to leave all the parenting to you and no good at all for the family dynamic or his relationship with the dc.) Sorry, but he really needs to step up.

Could you call in family help or paid help? (Either with childcare or housework or both.)

Is there a twins group in your area?

Could you ring-fence a couple of hrs minimum per week (perhaps at the weekend) where you get some exclusive time to yourself to do what you want?

Good luck with it all: just remember you are doing marvellously well

Id love a part time job! I did look at going back to work but it worked out more expensive to pay a childminder for three children. However my oldest is now at school so i think I need to relook at the figures. It doesn't help that I'm in a v expensive area for childcare though.

'What you could do with, really, is getting a part-time job for, say, three mornings a week, and using the money to pay for child-care.'

I'm sorry to laugh, but that was the last thing I could of done with. It was still a struggle to get a normal conversation out at that point as I was so so tired.

OP, I realised divide and conquer, and bribery were the only ways of getting through the day. Concentrate on the child being better/well behaved, and reward for good behaviour. It's did actually work even though it has to be done through gritted teeth at times.

Have you got an enclosed playpark nearby.I would take them there for a long time every day during school hours and just let them run and get completely knackered