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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think living on one salary is difficult and understand why women end up in unsuitable relationships

63 replies

Itsallexpensive · 02/11/2015 15:46

My new job pays very well (£45,000) and that's all good.

I was musing. If I was with a man who earned even the average salary for the UK which according to google is £26,000 - as a household our income would be over £70,000 which would obviously mean riches beyond my wildest dreams.

As it is, as a single parent, I am restricted - if I mentally 'divide' my salary in two it's more like £23000 which is below the national average.

I understand then the desire to have a relationship - any - due to the costs associated with living.

Is there a way round this?

OP posts:
0pheliaBalls · 02/11/2015 16:30

We live on one income - DH's, which is £18000pa. We have an 18yo DD who we get TCs for but they will end next year. We only just about manage now so I have no idea how we'll cope. I can't work so we have no choice but to manage.

I have known couples on similar individual salaries where one does not feel able to leave for financial reasons. It's a crap amount to earn not only because it's tiny, but because you're just out of the bracket for WTC, free prescriptions/glasses/dental care etc. That makes a huge difference.

Also, and I'm being nosy here, do people REALLY split things with their DP? For example, having a bank account each into which salaries are paid, from where they go 'halfsies' on everything? I would hate that - even on DH's relatively small wage, we have a joint account which we both access whenever we need to.

pinechesterdrawers · 02/11/2015 16:31

interesting.

i think its one reason why people end up staying in relationships when they have children particularly.

well done on your new job!

howabout · 02/11/2015 16:35

Single parent additional personal allowance would help your problem. Moving to local income tax would probably not help you as you earn close to twice average earnings.

I costed out my teenagers a while ago. Food is about £1,500, clothes about £500, hobbies and entertainment about £2,000. If they were adults with transport etc costs of employment that would be about another £1,000. I think your second adult would cost you about £5,000. This is more than you lose from not having the tax benefit of their PA.

In conclusion, childcare aside, I think it makes more sense for a single parent with a £45k salary to stay single and further their own career rather than look to job sharing with a partner.

If £45k is enough for your current lifestyle then I think the question regarding adding a £26k salary is more nuanced.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/11/2015 16:36

Ophelia, yes people do. Before getting married we split the bills equally and kept whatever was left of our salaries as spending money. It's only fair, a boyfriend or girlfriend shouldnt have to keep the other.

Marriage felt different so we have a joint account and all the bills come from there. Any extras come from there too but neither has to ask to buy anything as both our salaries go in there.

I'd only have a joint account with a second earner though, I don't like the thought of spending somebody else's money as it feels wrong.

0pheliaBalls · 02/11/2015 16:56

I don't like the thought of spending somebody else's money as it feels wrong

We've never seen it as 'his' money though, it's ours. Even before we were married and just living together, we did. If I make anything from, say, selling bits on eBay, it all goes into the same pot. But DH is the breadwinner and he likes that he supports me, and earns 'our' money. If eventually I am able to work, my salary will go into the pot too, for either of us to spend.

bronnie98 · 02/11/2015 17:00

Median salary more like 21K... We survive on DP salary of 30,000 and pay rent of 695 a month! Seems like mortgages are way cheaper?!

StillDrSethHazlittMD · 02/11/2015 17:11

I earn around £20k per year. I have a one-bed flat (mortgage), my own car (paid outright), usually go away two or three times per year (either one week abroad and one UK weekend or two or three long UK weekends). Good social life, eat well. I have no debt, savings of £13k.

Now admittedly, I am not a single parent but I think I have a pretty good standard of living on that, which is why I wonder what planet some people live on when they moan about not being able to afford things when they are earning over £35k - unless they are living in London!

PreciousxBane · 02/11/2015 17:12

What you are saying is a dual income household makes for a better economically viable unit. Especially if those wages are at least the national average wage and even better if far more than average. I would have thought that was stating the obvious.

Not many people look at the pure economic side of relationships though they let feelings and emotions come in to play.

NickyEds · 02/11/2015 17:23

Yes AnyonebutAndre and the two people on £23K would have to work many more hours jointly to earn the extra £3400.

You must be better off as a single earner on £46K than dual on £23K each though despite the disparity because of the personal allowance because a) you work fewer hours to earn the £46K and b) I'm guessing £46K jobs have perhaps more options to earn even more, a career as opposed to a job????

It must be very hard to leave a comfortable lifestyle but I still think most people would rather than be in a bad relationship.

StealthPolarBear · 02/11/2015 17:29

Just being picky but the council tax discount means you're paying for half a non existent person

avocadoghost · 02/11/2015 17:47

If I was earning £20,000, I just wouldn't be able to be a single parent - I couldn't afford it.

Well, plenty of people do. Plenty of people survive on less than that.

We (as a household) earn less than you, OP. Our full time wages (combined) are around £40k, except I'm now on SMP so that's a cut of about £600 a month (after tax etc), and when I go back to work I'll be earning slightly less as I'll be doing 4 days rather than 5.

If (heaven forbid) DH and I did split, it'd be a struggle but I think I would cope. I'd be entitled to tax credits of around £4k so that would help, council tax discount of 25%, etc.

But - I know it's not that straightforward and I agree with you that it's always going to be difficult for anyone to leave a shitty relationship if they're financially dependent on the other person.

UnlikelyPilgramage · 02/11/2015 17:57

YANBU.

I chose to become a single parent. I was in my late 30s and didn't want to end up childless.

I earn a similar salary and the only reason I could afford to have one child was because my housing costs are nil.

Living costs have gone up and are now based on two people earning - which is fine when you are two people.

Foslady · 02/11/2015 18:07

I hear what you are saying.......and yes it has gone through my mind that in a few years when dd's maintenance and TC's end this would be a solution........especially when I look at my xh and his 'roses round the door' lifestyle. But I know I couldn't do it. After two shit marriages with a a cart load of abuse chucked in for good measure I'd rather work the part time low paid evening jobs that I can see I'll end up doing than risk that again. I knew of a woman who did once - almost broke her until the day came when she walked out

NotSayingImBatman · 02/11/2015 18:10

If it makes you feel any better, council tax is in two parts, 50% for the house, regardless of occupiers, and 50% for an assumed two adults in the property. So you're not paying anything towards a non existent person. You're paying 50% for your house and 25% for yourself.

latebreakfast · 02/11/2015 18:13

YANBU. And you will pay more tax than a dual-earner family. As your salary goes up you'll pay a lot more tax. And lose your child benefit.

For example, a single earner family on £60K will pay over £5,000 more in tax than a dual earner family with exactly the same income. Also, the single earner family will lose their CB but the dual earners will keep it.

Senpai · 02/11/2015 18:56

Two people living in a space doesn't necessarily double the cost. If you share the same rooms the electricity is only going to be a bit higher to account for times you're in separate areas. If you buy food for one recipe, it can easily feed two most times. Internet bill doesn't change. Even phone bills on a family plan tack on an extra small amount, not double.

So 45k would still be very workable with three people (two adults and a kid).

We have less than that between me and DH, and if we weren't living together we'd actually be paying more each in child care and one of us wouldn't be getting tax breaks. So I think being married or in a relationship actually saves quite a bit of money than if you were to try on your own.

howabout · 02/11/2015 19:15

Senpal I agree with you on housing costs, BUT my DH eats about 1.5 times what I do and he still needs clothed and he does leave the house without me occasionally.

JaceLancs · 02/11/2015 19:25

I have lived on my salary as a single parent for past 18 years
It's been very hard and most of my couple friends can afford things I can't - more expensive cars, holidays, home improvements etc
I would not stay in an unhappy relationship or live with someone based on money - in fact all my relationships have made me worse off when they've ended
I've managed to fund 2 DC through university and help out less fortunate friends too
I earn slightly above the average wage - but nowhere near enough for what I actually do sadly

BigChocFrenzy · 02/11/2015 19:27

With the OP being on her own, she has the stress of what happens if she loses her job, or can't work for some other reason.
With 2 earners, they probably won't both become unemployed at the same time. So, a bit more security with at least one income until the 2nd person can work again.
Also, one person can gain additional qualifications, while the other works, then swap around.

Shebangsthedrumsshedoes · 02/11/2015 20:49

It is cheaper for dual earners but it is important to remember that this hypothetical couple on £23k each are sharing. They are sharing a house, sharing a car etc. Things always work out more expensively if you are getting them for yourself. If you had a house mate your mortgage / renting costs would half but you would have to put up with having a house mate and sharing. It's the same with a spouse only you get on better.

Yanbu about thinking some people stay in relationships to maintain lifestyle and financial security. More fool them.

SeaForests · 02/11/2015 21:02

I split up with my ex-H last year, so I had a very sudden practical experience about how much more expensive it is to live on my own.

As people have said, I have to pay the same for a 1 bed flat, whether or not I share my bed with a partner, council tax is not half the price, TV license, broadband, electricity, water, and gas is not half the price.

I calculated that by leaving an abusive relationship, I increased my non-negotiable expenditure by 90%.

All that I'd expected.

The thing that actually I found really upsetting was the optional things. National Trust membership is cheaper for a couple than 2 individuals. Cinema membership is cheaper for a couple than 2 individuals. So I was looking at paying more for my hobbies, at just the same point that I had 80% less disposable income. It was clear that the hobbies had to go, in favour of paying council tax and water rates.

I can fully understand that many people do feel unable to leave their relationships for financial reasons.

glasspark · 02/11/2015 21:14

Yes I know quite a few women who have remained in unhappy/abusive relationships mainly because of the finances, but also because of other security reasons.

I left exP five years ago as the relationship was abusive, but found myself better off as a single mum as we were on a low income anyway and I had more for myself when I claimed benefits. For those on lower incomes it can work out better, as you get more entitlements and the amount a couple can claim on benefits is less than twice the amount for two individual claims. I got less than £20k when I was on benefits and managed on it - you just have to cut your cloth and decide whether the money is more important than salvaging your self-respect. I was far happier once I left exP no matter how low my income was.

Brioche201 · 02/11/2015 23:06

I don't see dh as a meal ticket I would be with him if he were destitute.

KoalaDownUnder · 02/11/2015 23:16

YANBU! At all.

I completely agree with you and I am surprised some people aren't getting it.

FuckOffJeffrey · 02/11/2015 23:59

Re: The national average salary you have quoted - DH and I don't make much more than that combined and we both work full time for the same company on the same pay grade. People are often really surprised by this considering the very large well known 'reputable' company we work for. We are not even on the bottom end of the payscale.

Living on my wage alone wouldn't be impossible (unless I required childcare) but would require a great deal of planning and a lot of sacrifices (such as no swimming lessons or rainbows for DD). I think it would be a pretty miserable existence to be honest and I don't see how I would manage things like birthdays or christmas. I have looked at this purely from my wages alone perspective but I know there are tax credits etc to top up but I have no faith that these will still be around in the next few years. Even if I was to include them in my calculations money would still be tight but a little more manageable.

So yes I do understand why some people stick around in rubbish relationships because of finances. Not ideal but I do understand. I don't get why a single person on 45k would feel the need to find a partner to increase household earnings as that a perfectly livable salary.