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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get married abroad and not tell anyone until we get back

40 replies

persepolis123 · 02/11/2015 15:01

DP is from another country and it isn't possible for his family to be at our wedding. I have a big family and don't feel I could only invite some without inviting everyone because it will cause arguments. We can't afford and don't want a big wedding.

We are thinking of marrying in the Carribean with just my parents as witnesses and our two small children. Would it be unreasonable to not tell anyone until we get back or do I just tell them what we are doing? I don't like confrontation and don't want to have to tell people they aren't invited.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 02/11/2015 15:07

If I was going to do that I wouldn't have any relatives at the wedding. Having your parents and not his sounds like favouritism. Why not save money and get married in a registry office in the UK without telling anyone (apart from your 2 witnesses choose 1 discrete person each) If you can't afford a big wedding why spend money on the Carribean?

SurferJet · 02/11/2015 15:07

Yanbu - weddings are generally very dull & people go out of duty.
Your family & friends will probably be relieved.
Congratulations btw Flowers

scatterthenuns · 02/11/2015 15:07

Sounds great. Go for it.

Your wedding day is for you two, and noone else.

NinaSimoneful · 02/11/2015 15:13

Sounds idyllic Flowers
Have a great time.

LeaLeander · 02/11/2015 15:14

Elopements are quite romantic. Though to me just the couple should attend -- gives them time to focus on one another instead of parents, kids, etc. at least for one day.

And as others have said, few people these days really enjoy all the foofa and expense associated with attending a wedding. Save the money, get married in a registry office and be done with it. Especially if you already have children together; it's hardly a surprise development to be legally married, at least from a social standpoint. Your friends and family already know you are a committed couple. Just go off yourselves and have fun.

Original poster
persepolis123 · 02/11/2015 15:15

His parents can't travel either to the UK or the Caribbean so I don't think they will be upset about it. It's just one of those things.

We can't afford to spend £20k like most of my family members have. Going abroad will cost us about £4-5k including a 2 week holiday.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 02/11/2015 15:16

You are going to upset someone regardless here if you go with your plan.

The fact you are inviting your parents, will cause problems too.

Do what you want, and to hell with the whingers. Its your day and you are paying for it. Its about a life long commitment to each other and not a party for everyone else.

Keep that in mind.

msrisotto · 02/11/2015 15:17

If his parents won't feel slighted, I can't see that other relatives of yours could justifiable be either. Go for it and ignore any grumbles from those who don't matter.

msrisotto · 02/11/2015 15:18

Sounds amazing by the way.

sighthoundofdoom · 02/11/2015 15:18

Our friends did. Best thing they ever did.

PotteringAlong · 02/11/2015 15:19

Could you all fly to your dp's home country and get married there so his parents can be there too?

helenahandbag · 02/11/2015 15:32

We are going to New York in April and getting married in Central Park. It's costing £6k including a week in NYC, the officiant, the photographer, hair and make up on the day, rings, outfits and spending money.

My parents wanted to come but DP's parents can't travel due his mum's chronic health conditions and I had to put my foot down. We don't want to be married at home, we want the experience of eloping but I couldn't have one set of parents and not the other.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/11/2015 16:25

I'd fly your parents to DHs hom country and just have both sets there.

I'd be gutted if DS got married without me yet the bride had her parents there. It's a horrible thing to do I think personally.

Original poster
persepolis123 · 02/11/2015 16:27

It isn't possible for us to go to DP's home country and his parents can't come to us either. What am I supposed to do? Never get married because they can't be there?

OP posts:
AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/11/2015 16:31

Why can't you go there? I can understand elderly parents not being able to travel far but as you and your parents can travel it makes sense to to to them.

Of course you can get married, just either elope and leave both sets out of it or do it and include both.

I'd not be marrying somebody who wouldn't let my parents be at my own wedding.

GreenSand · 02/11/2015 16:34

Is there a place all the parents could get to to witness your wedding?

I know a couple who planned to get married in Vegas, and weren't going to tell anyone. They chickened out the week before, and told both sets of parents.

I think I'd go just you and the kids in your circumstances.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/11/2015 16:36

"don't feel I could only invite some without inviting everyone because it will cause arguments"
In which case I would do it just you two, without your parents being there. Otherwise, the wider family could take the huff with your parents, not just with you. Nobody can take the huff if it's just you two.

LindyHemming · 02/11/2015 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
persepolis123 · 02/11/2015 16:39

DP came to this country as a refugee. He cannot go back to his home country without being persecuted and we would quite possibly never see him again if he was caught. His family need a visa to travel to most countries so it's out of the question really. We have been together 12 years and I've only met them twice in that time because it's so difficult and expensive to arrange.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/11/2015 16:40

Oh the others could just grow up! If her parents are there, that's what matters. It's a shame his can't be there but if they've accepted that, that's fine.

ImperialBlether · 02/11/2015 16:42

I would imagine if the money was spare it would be better spent on his family rather than on his family attending a wedding abroad.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 02/11/2015 16:43

Then the most sensible two options are go for a place where they can get a visa too (there will be some) or don't include either set of parents.

The visa option would be the best. It must be hard enough for your DP to see such little of his parents without having to exclude them from seeing him take his vows.

Geekmama · 02/11/2015 16:47

Elope if that's what you want :) but I wouldn't invite your parents without your DH folks being there it's not fair. Why can't you travel to there country?

GreenSand · 02/11/2015 16:47

The combination of achievable visas and a holiday wedding location may be harder to achieve tho.

If his parents understand the situation, assuming they still live in an unstable country, taking your parents and not his seems more reasonable. Flowers

80sWaistcoat · 02/11/2015 16:50

I don't' see a problem if your parents are there and his aren't (apart from the fact that the circumstances are really sad).

You get a holiday, someone to look after the kids, and your parents get to see the wedding. I can't see how anyone could complain!

Have a party when you get back if you are that kind of people.

Ignore the daft advice, it is a real shame about your partner's parents, but that shouldn't mean you have to exclude your parents or have a mega wedding instead!