to get married abroad and not tell anyone until we get back

[persepolis123]

DP is from another country and it isn't possible for his family to be at our wedding. I have a big family and don't feel I could only invite some without inviting everyone because it will cause arguments. We can't afford and don't want a big wedding.

We are thinking of marrying in the Carribean with just my parents as witnesses and our two small children. Would it be unreasonable to not tell anyone until we get back or do I just tell them what we are doing? I don't like confrontation and don't want to have to tell people they aren't invited.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If his parents can't come and yours can it seems sad to not invite them. I would understand in his parents position and I would accept it.
As for any other relatives not being invited, that is fine as well

Sorry I've just seen you can't go to his country :) surely the money would be best spent on Arranging a Visa for his parents. I Can't imagine it would be very nice for your soon to be husband not to have his parents at his wedding. Personally I think that's more valuable than Two weeks in the Caribbean. But each to their own. Good luck in making a decision. :)

It's so hard to know what to do and is partly why we didn't get married sooner. Sometimes I think yes it would be lovely to go abroad and get married. Other times I think it's selfish and we should spend that money on taking the children to see DP's family instead. His parents are in their 70s now and I don't know how much longer they will be able to travel abroad for. They have never met our youngest.

You've got all the time in the world To have holidays... Etc I do think it would be really nice for your youngest to meet there grandparent and for your DP to have his parents at his wedding. It's a really difficult situation, I don't envy you xx

I always see people on here moaning about their ILs. I would give anything for mine to be in the same country

Do what you want!! Who cares if his parents are upset. ???
We got married in the Dominican Republic .... We told everyone what we were doing.
Basically our thought was .... If it was important enough to be there ... You would be!!! We had both sets of parents 2 aunties and uncles, one of my brothers and one of his sisters.
The others well ... Could afford it but CBA!!!
Your wedding, your life, your way !!!!

Do they have access to a computer and webcam?
That way they may not be able to join you physically but can join you virtually?

If not, I would go ahead and get married the way you are both happy with. Be that a registry office here one afternoon or in the Carribbean with your parents and children.

I think its your day, you cant please everyone, and you and DP should make that decision together. If you want to be married go do it. If your parent can and want to be there great. Have a wonderful day.

In the circumstances, yes I think you should do it - but i would shell out on a professional video photographer so your in laws can in a small way participate in the day.

Depending on where they are you may even be able to live stream elements like the vows if they have sufficient broadband access (there is a great iPhone app called live stream that's free that allows you to do this, or even Skype at a lesser quality).

Have a great wedding

I don't see anything wrong with your plans at all. It's clear why your DP's parents won't be there, which is really sad, but it shouldn't mean that's your parents cant be. I'm sure you'll have a lovely time.

The only thing is, please don't do what someone I know did and have an exotic wedding abroad then have a little cheap party at home with a full and expensive wedding list!

That's what we did.

DH is from another country so we did it in secret in the US.

It ruffled a few feathers but it's your wedding so do what's right for you.

Do it. That's what I wanted to do! Our day was perfect though, even if it turned out entirely different to what I wanted.

Do you want your parents on your honeymoon though?
If you don't mind go for it but definitely try & save to take the DC to visit PILs quite soon.

OP has kids so built in babysitters.

I would do it like a shot if I were you. But then I'm all about the marriage, not the wedding. DH and I got married in the Caribbean. At first we just said "no guests"because we knew it was a long way, and for us it was just a honeymoon with the wedding ceremony tagged on the front. Both sets of parents dropped hints about Cheap flight details so in the end we said that if they wanted to come they would be welcome but equally if they didn't want to then we would not feel offended by their absence. They stayed in different hotels to ours so didn't feel like they were on our honeymoon. Was just lovely to spend a relaxing wedding day and evening with them where everyone could be themselves without feeling they had to go and make small talk with Great Auntie Maude who is moaning about the choice of music/food/seating arrangements. (You know what I mean, anyway.)

If your Dp's parents can't be there (or anywhere) then frankly I don't see why you should go and have the wedding where they are (even if their circumstances weren't dangerous.). A wedding is NOT ABOUT THEM. They've had their time to do theirs their way. You only get married once (hopefully!) so do it the way you want it with minimal compromises!

If I were you though, I'd do my best to save up afterwards to go as see The Inlaws as soon as you can afford to.

Have fun planning! (Not that there is much to plan with a Caribbean wedding - one of the best things about them, no stress or angst about what colour balloons to have and boring shit like that!)