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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let teen DD sleep?

29 replies

unlucky83 · 01/11/2015 20:06

So this is all a bit of a mess...
DD1 (14) has ADHD, in Scotland so doing her National 5s (GCSE kind of equivalents) this year. She has chronic procrastination, forgets things, disorganised and can be stubborn and oppositional.
The school are supposed to have a 'support plan' in place for her, part of which involves the teacher's emailing me what work she needs to do then I can support her at home to get it done.
I found out she hadn't done an essay a couple of weeks ago when we got a letter home. I spoke to her (new) guidance teacher who didn't even know she had ADHD. The plan had been completely forgotten. The emails are supposed to be happening again ...obviously they aren't. I found out last Thur pm she has an essay due in tomorrow.
I have been trying to encourage her to make a start -it isn't easy! (this might be really hard for some people to understand but the oppositional thing means there is a chance she would just refuse not care about the consequences of her actions, no punishment would have any effect). Also she doesn't take her medication at the weekends so it is easier to get her and for her to do things in the week. She did seem to be doing something on Fri pm...
On Sat she was absolutely hyper all day. She had a sleep over for Halloween, had been planned for weeks, really looking forward to ... I was torn but actually I think if she hadn't been able to go she still wouldn't have done her essay anyway - just turned into a huge conflict and she would have dug her heels in. So she went on the understanding that she would do the essay today... (And also if she didn't go DD2 would have missed out too as it was a joint thing)

Then today I find out she has another piece of work which is very overdue which is what she was actually doing on Fri pm. So she started that first...but is stuck, after much faffing she is going to have to get help tomorrow - she can't finish it ...
She hadn't even looked at the essay. I managed to get her to sit down with me and start looking at what she had to do for it two hours ago. I left her sitting on the sofa for a few minutes with the notes and when I came back she was fast asleep ...I sleepwalked her upstairs and put her to bed...
DP says I should have woken her up and made her do the essay... I think in the circumstances she is better getting a good sleep (she struggles to get to sleep most nights..another ADHD symptom)
I am going to talk to the school tomorrow anyway and we can basically 'start again'...this time with the plan in place before it really is too late.
So AIBU to just let her sleep?

OP posts:
Buttercup27 · 01/11/2015 20:10

I think I would let her sleep too . She won't be good for anything if you wake her up. You'll just end up with a very tired grumpy teen, who will then probably struggle to go back to sleep and will be horrendous tomorrow.

Let her sleep and pour yourself a large Wine

anothernumberone · 01/11/2015 20:13

It is really hard to answer except to say you know the situation and circumstances best and you are the one managing the difficulties in a day to day basis. My one thing with my 2 children with LDs it to push them and challenge them within reason so that always influences how I handle these situations but as you well know there are limits.

horseygeorgie · 01/11/2015 20:13

I have no experience of ADHD, but I don't think it is unreasonable. I would cause big issues and you know her and what effect waking her would have. I'd start again tomorrow with a new plan.

MummaV · 01/11/2015 20:15

Let her sleep.

You had a plan in place with the school to prevent this and they have not upheld their end at all. Go and speak to the school, explain again why you need this assistance and get them to agree that as they haven't given the support they agreed to a few things have been missed and that they can be a)forgotten about if not coursework related or b) caught up on in a reasonable timeframe for both parties.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 01/11/2015 20:16

I understand the dilemma but at some point you are going to possibly have the same dilemma for an important, exam piece, and not having it in on time simply isn't going to work. Waking her might seem harsh but it's probably going to happen at another point. I would prefer to do it on non vital pieces so she is aware that it will happen.

EnaSharplesHairnet · 01/11/2015 20:17

I don't know the answer to your question as I'm not in your shoes!

But are you clear whether is it a school deadline or an exam board deadline? That would affect my thinking.

I also think I'd say learning from this no more sleepovers or other similar commitments for a (long) while. If you can start again from tomorrow then things will need to change if the outcome is to be different.

overthemill · 01/11/2015 20:26

Sleep is good. Try for a fresh start tomorrow. Are you able to get an appointment with school to discuss her support needs? I think I would do this if possible this week. Get a plan set up with the emails and have a big whiteboard at home on which she (you helping) puts up assignments as they are given and deadlines. Then easier to monitor.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 01/11/2015 20:55

I don't know if it is an exam board deadline or not ...I'll have to find out tomorrow. I really hope not Sad.
I am especially cross about the essay as it is the same subject as the one she was late for last time... so that teacher does know. I know they have lots of children to teach but they could send me a list now for the whole year so I have some idea..they must have some kind of plan.
I know lots of teenagers are the same - just in DD it is amplified ...and getting angry with her about it really doesn't help...I know from experience.
I'm glad most people think letting her sleep is the right thing to do for now ...we will deal with the fall out tomorrow ...and a normal sleep over I would probably have not let her go - but this was a big thing.
And if I had known about this work before I could have had her further along
And actually the school are supposed to 'chunk' things for her too - split things into smaller tasks - so eg the essay they should ask to see her plan and then one paragraph etc to help with the procrastination...
Really not looking forward to dealing with them tomorrow - I've never made a fuss before -but I think I am going to have to now.
I do need Wine

OP posts:
NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 01/11/2015 21:02

Yes to letting her sleep, all waking her would achieve is getting into an argument with a tired and angry teenager.

Definitely speak to the school. This isn't you telling that what to do, this is you asking them to do what they have already agreed to do! You're not being demanding, they're letting your DD down unfairly.

superram · 01/11/2015 21:08

I would not be happy about emailing work. The student should be writing it on their planner which you could check. A reasonable adjustment would be for the teacher to check she has written the hw down. I plan my lessons every day so wouldn't be able to send you a year plan I advance. I think you were right to let her sleep but think the schools plan needs to be easy to implement. Emailing work to the parents of every asd child I teach would be impossible.

superram · 01/11/2015 21:09

Sorry adhd

cardibach · 01/11/2015 21:10

A regular update email as previously agreed is not unreasonable. There is no way they oils tell you the whole year's work though - they have to respond to the pupils' eels and might take longer/less time over topics thus tear than last. Teaching isn't a map handicap 'it's November 2nd so it must be Sonnet 118' affair.

Ineedmorepatience · 01/11/2015 21:34

I think you should re post this on the special needs children or special needs chat board unlucky!

Original poster
unlucky83 · 01/11/2015 22:27

Superram that was part of the agreed plan - they email me. And I didn't suggest it -their previous guidance teacher did and it is supposed to be just for 'important' work -to tell it has been set -not the actual work (ie 'Unlucky's daughter' has an essay to be in for a week on Friday' is all I need). Due to the layout of the school the teachers sometimes don't have a lot of time after/between lessons so the email is probably easier than checking she has written it down. And I agree she does have to take some responsibility for herself ...but she also needs support.

And to cardi too - I thought the year plan would be easier for the teachers - but I'd be happy with anything ...surely it has to be less hassle than organising a letter home telling me the homework hasn't been done!

And it is coursework for an exam - so you must know what has to be done and what the deadlines are for the exam board. Even knowing that would help....
And thanks Ineed - I need more patience too - often! I will see how it goes tomorrow first...

OP posts:
madwomanbackintheattic · 01/11/2015 22:38

We are mid way through a homework program for ds1 (y9 also ADHD and some and traits) it is like pulling teeth and tbh I am emailing the school more than they are emailing me. HoY is fully aware of issues though, and has suggested that he should be sitting down for just one hour every night and working, whether or not he has a deadline the next day. The routine is the most important thing.

It's a bit of a pita, tbh, but I figure at the moment that it is my job to try to instil some semblance of coping mechanism in the child... Uphill battle though...

nothruroad · 01/11/2015 22:57

I'm a teacher in Scotland - this will be an internal deadline. There are no SQA deadlines this early.

Original poster
unlucky83 · 01/11/2015 23:19

mad getting them to sit and work for an hour every night Grin ...you have my sympathy Flowers ... I try and do similar with DD1 but 'try' is the operative word. In the week is better because of her medication which wears off at about 8pm but still....
It is getting her started that is the hardest - if she gets interested in something/has a deadline she can concentrate but otherwise I can battle to get her to sit...but then to actually work..? I would actually have to sit with her - but just me being there is a distraction too...ahhhhhh.
And thanks north that is a real comfort to know. She hasn't messed up completely ...yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
unlucky83 · 01/11/2015 23:20

Hope that Grin makes sense - it is an either laugh or you'll cry Grin

OP posts:
ProcrastinatorGeneral · 01/11/2015 23:24

I'm glad you let her sleep. I have no advice, but I feel for you with so little support from school. Hopefully the new guidance bid will improve things for you all :)

I feel the pain of getting a child to work, my 8 year old is HFA, it's insane at times

madwomanbackintheattic · 02/11/2015 00:29

Oh aye, it's a struggle. He is slowly improving though, but as you say, the getting started is the hardest bit.

Slutbucket · 02/11/2015 00:36

Has she got a statement?

exaltedwombat · 02/11/2015 01:51

Don't hide behind ADHD. Deep in your heart you know it's not a real disorder. Don't you?

mrselizabethdarcy · 02/11/2015 02:04

Really wombat . ? Is there any need?

kickassangel · 02/11/2015 02:51

I sit with DD and have something to do (even if it's mn) while she does homework. Then if she gets stuck I'm right there and can redirect her before she's completely off task. We set a timer for 20 mins, then half an hour free time, then back for 20 mins etc. She gets about 30 - 60 mins of free time when we first get home before homework starts.

currently I check the school's online thing that tells me what work needs to be done and remind her, otherwise she forgets. There is NO system of diary/notes etc that helps her, they are just an encumbrance that cause more stress and upset.

I do all the 'chunking' of homework for her, and talk her through it and she is now starting to get the hang of it for herself, although can set unrealistic expectations. But she always starts projects as soon as they're set, never the week before.

We have a short list of what has to be done each eve and check it off in front of her as she does it. If the list is too long, we decide what's important for that eve and other stuff gets pushed back.

I've been teaching for over 20 years and have NEVER found a way that she can manage for herself to keep track of homework. I rely on the school's system for the fact it's been set, she then generally remembers details of how to do it.

Italiangreyhound · 02/11/2015 03:45

unlucky83 re So AIBU to just let her sleep? No, of course not. Let her sleep. You know her best and know her abilities and needs.

It sounds like your daughter's school has failed her badly, said they will do one thing and not done it. This has led to a back log of stuff, which is not her or your fault. I am sure she feels overwhelmed by it all. And I am sure you do too.

In your shoes I would try and help her to break it into manageable chunks so she can manage it.

I would also speak to the school and try and get a fresh start on them actually telling you what is needed.

My dd is very dyslexic has some autistic tendencies (around friendships) and we thought may be ADD because she really struggles to concentrate.

Last school year (Year 5) the TA said she would stick the homework sheet in DD's book each week, this was not our idea, it was their idea. It lasted .... (drum roll) ... a week! Just one instance of them bothering to do it. She ended up really not doing very much home work at all and I struggled to know what was due in.

Now in Year 6 it is better and she is getting on with it, but the work is sporadic, some weeks there is some, some not. So it is slightly confusing. I would much rather have a long list of interesting possible 'home work assignments' and to know each week dd needed to do just one thing and know what it is. I think this sporadic way of doing stuff just makes it harder for them.

I remember days when my dd would cry and complain and still not get stuff done. Awful. Some people who have not been there don't really understand, I think.

exaltedwombat Is that a weak joke or just a really idiotic comment - or both!

Good luck unlucky83.