To not want to date a man who is too tight to buy himself shoes?

[bodenbiscuit]

I've actually known him for years but not very well and a few months ago he asked if we could meet up for a coffee so we did. I like him physically and he's very intellectual and I like his conversation. But after a while he told me he's got holes in his shoes but he's too tight to buy new ones and although he has a well paid job and savings he'd rather just leave it. So he has only one pair of shoes that let the water in every time it rains. I think this kind of meanness could be a real problem and since I have already dated a lot of awful men in the past I really don't want to put myself in that position again of having to get out of a bad relationship.

I've told him I'm sorry but I don't want a relationship with him (but not why) and he is angry with me about it. But I don't think my reason is wrong iyswim. I am a lone parent with a severely disabled child and I feel that he expects me to be grateful for wanting his attention too. I find that so many men think if you're a lone parent your life is a mess and you need them to come and sweep you off your feet.

he told me he's got holes in his shoes but he's too tight to buy new ones and although he has a well paid job and savings

He actually said this on your first date? That he has a well paid job and savings? Does nobody else find that a bit strange too for first date chat?

YANBU about the rest either, bullet dodged.

Totally agree with the others, the meaness doesn't sound good, but especially the anger at you turning him down.

Definitely not one to pursue!

The shoes thing means nothing. My DH is the same, it's like having the appearance of a tramp is a badge of honour amongst academics. But he is unfailing generous when it comes to me and our children.

The other stuff which sounds like he expects you to be greatful for his attentions is horrible. Don't stop running.

I dated a guy recently who pointed out that lots of men wouldn't want to date me because I have a child but whoopee! He does! Lucky me eh? So many red flags with this guy, run a mile.

It's not that I expect everyone to be a fashionista but it does seem extreme to me to not replace your shoes when they are letting in the rain and you have the means to do so. He's one of those people who tells me I need him in my life to make it better. But actually I'm quite happy on my own. I feel that not many people are up to the task of understanding dd1 anyway. Maybe if he saw her in full meltdown mode he'd change his mind! Thanks for replies.

I can't stand men who do that Obsidian - they are just trying to make us feel inferior to them by telling us nobody else would be interested.

I've told him I'm sorry but I don't want a relationship with him (but not why) and he is angry with me about it

The shoes thing is ridiculous and would put anyone normal off, but this would send anyone sensible running for the hills.

Run for the hills!

Run for the hills op, that last comment .

I'm not sure that the shoes issue would bother me on its own - there are plenty of people who don't want to spend money unnecessarily (in their view) on themselves but are very generous with other people. These days the priority for me is that shoes should be comfortable and I will keep a comfy pair till they're very shabby - though not to the point of having holes in the sole.

But I agree, the notion that I should be grateful for a man's company would send me running fast in the other direction.

boden " He's one of those people who tells me I need him in my life to make it better. "

oh dear!! I'd like to laugh in his face. If he asks you out again, do that

gruntled he told op that he was too tight to buy himself new shoes, that in itself tells me that he's a tight bastard who would make things very hard for op in a relationship, there would be big issues over money.

That would just put me off too, hate men like that, how would he treat op. Not getting anything for her birthday and Christmas, not treating her occassionally. Commenting on how much she is spending, not allowing her to spend on items.

If him not wanting to buy new shoes is a red flag then the bit where he got angry because the OP didn't want to go out with him is a whole factory's worth of red bunting.

He's one of those people who tells me I need him in my life to make it better. This plus the anger are the real deal breakers, as far as I can see.

Run (in your choice of non-leaky shoes) and don't look back!

I'm 35 and I feel that I've made so many mistakes already and I don't want any more.

ilkelymoor is bang on they money (so to speak).

If he's stingy over his own fucking shoes then avoid avoid avoid.

I'm the most far from a gold digger than you can get, but I absolutely loathe men who are stingy. I once went out with someone who added up in a book what he'd paid for but somehow always managed to make it my turn to buy a coffee or lunch. I still remember the final scene when it was actually his turn to pay for lunch. He tried to pretend it wasn't, then tried literally everything to get me to pay more, down to the fact I had x coffee which was more expensive than plain filter etc. It was excruciating and he did it in front of the waitress, presumably to try and shame me into just paying up. It didn't work, and I didn't see him again.

if he won't take care of himself, them he definitely won't take care of you and your child.
you've had a lucky escape.
mean men are the worst.

Not wanting to buy a second pair of shoes, a second coat, a fancy shirt etc is one thing.
Not wanting to replace leaky shoes when you have a good income is a sign of ishoos imo. In Uk, where it rains most days!
Didn't his feet stink OP?

He has said to me a number of times 'I'm too tight to buy X, y and z'. I took that as a tell as what to expect from him generally.

There are people who are tight to the point of it being like an OCD things and they are very hard to be around. My uncle was like this and it caused the most vicious rows at times because he would try to control what other people were buying when it was none of his business.

Omg MotherOfFlagons - that does sound like my uncle. He writes everything down in a book too! He adds up receipts. He expects his wife to account for her spending. Nightmare!

He is angry that you don't want a relationship? Sounds like a real red flag! It's also weird that he thinks his stinginess is appropriate first date chat, seems like he doesn't think he has to make any effort because you should be so impressed by his natural charm. Avoid!

boden, I'm wondering if he has children and if they at least will get a pleasant surprise when they inherit £2million or something!

I am a great one for economising and spending with extreme care. But it wouldn't occur to me to wear shoes with holes in!!

No, he doesn't have any children.

Meaness and anger are not traits I'd be looking for in a partner.
YANBU - keep looking you deserve better.

Boden out of interest who paid for what on said coffee date? In any case I think you had an unpleseant experience but a lucky escape.