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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never want to speak to my dad again?

31 replies

SrAssumpta · 31/10/2015 19:56

I really hope you can give me some perspective on this because right now it feels pretty awful.

My ex left out of the blue a couple of months ago and me, him and our DD (4) had a big all inclusive holiday booked. My dad was recently single too so I asked him to come instead and he was delighted.

Quick background: I was dragged up in a violent,alcoholic home as an only child. Never really blamed my parents for everything as I see alcoholism as an illness etc. I only have my dad left and he isn't in the best health so hasn't been able to drink for a good few years which is great.

So he came on holiday with us and though I saw signs of the old control freak dad I lived with all those years ago (getting seriously angry when I refused to tell DD to put her small stuffed toy down while she was dancing at kiddy disco- swearing at me and storming off- !?)

But this morning he was raging I was letting DD go to breakfast in her witches dress, I just laughed it off saying ah will you stop it's Halloween, she's excited! But he kept going on and on about what everyone would think and how it'd be better for evening time and I just shrugged it off so he really tore me apart saying how I hadn't washed her in 2 days (my daughter is honestly very well looked after I'm so hurt and insulted that a man with pretty horrific personal hygiene can speak to me like this in front of my child) and how I "wasn't looking after her" this simply isn't true, I think he just wanted to hurt me because I wasn't taking his opinion about the witches dress on board.

It sounds dramatic but I feel like I never want to see him again, we aren't particularly close anyway but he's the only family I have and has been quite helpful with DD when I've needed to work last minute. But I think to criticize my parenting, the one thing I've given my absolute all -and in front of my daughter- I just don't know how I can. But just a few months after ex leaving it feels like I'm the common denominator here.

Am I being unreasonable/dramatic?

OP posts:
whois · 31/10/2015 20:03

Uh, yeah, not U to cut him out. Not sure why you invited an alcoholic abisive man on holiday in the first place!

goodnightdarthvader1 · 31/10/2015 20:03

YANBU. Cut contact.

holeinmyheart · 31/10/2015 20:20

Who knows what goes on in anyone else's head? Your DF from your description appears horrendous and it certainly does not sound as though you owe him much.
However you said that he had been helpful looking after your DD when you needed to work and he is your only living close relative.
A lot of MNetters are going to say go NC with him and I understand that you are angry with him for the past and what has just gone on. However it was probably a bad move going on holiday with him. Being with him 24/7 was probably a bit too much and made both of you tense.

Why don't you wait until you get home and calm down and then see what is in this relationship for you?
He can't manipulate you if you don't allow him to and you can have a relationship with him on your terms.
Sometimes going NC can be worse for you if you are going to let it affect you.

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 31/10/2015 20:21

Not sure why you invited an alcoholic abisive man on holiday in the first place!

It just all seems so long ago, I haven't lived with him since I was 17 and he hasn't been able to drink for about five years. I had decided to leave the past in the past when I had DD and I really thought with a combination of him changing and me growing up we could have a semi normal father/daughter relationship.

OP posts:
Clobbered · 31/10/2015 20:26

Going on holiday with other people tends to bring out the worst in everyone. You are out of your usual routine and environment, and spending a lot more time together than usual, and it's not surprising that things tend to kick off. Going NC over one incident seems a bit OTT, and perhaps once things have cooled off you can pick up where you left off. Maybe this has been a useful wake-up call - the old Dad is still there, and you might want to rethink leaving DD with him.

Notimefortossers · 31/10/2015 20:33

I went NC with my Dad about 10 years ago following a pretty shitty childhood and me giving him tonnes of chances as an adult. I didn't talk to him for about a year.

Then one day he calls me to tell me he needs open heart surgery and there is a one in twenty chance he will die on the table. I'm on the phone and tears start streaming down my face. I was so surprised by my reaction as all my life I honestly didn't think I gave a shit if he lived or died.

That was 9 years ago (bloody hell!) Since then I've tolerated him and just resigned myself to the fact that there must be something in this 'blood' thing. Your Dad is your Dad at the end of the day and you only get one. I'll be forever sad that we will never have a usual father/daughter relationship

SoleBizzzz · 31/10/2015 20:37

Did you try and control your Dad too?

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 31/10/2015 20:50

Did you try and control your Dad too?

What?

OP posts:
fassbendersmistress · 31/10/2015 20:56

Sorry you've had a shitty time of it OP. 2 things...

  1. Your F is not going to change. He might not be drinking but his problems and the abuser in him is clearly still there. I'm sure you know this. If you can tolerate him in small doses, then chalk this trip up to a bad experience, accept him for who he is and keep contact (situations where you are in control and can remove yourself if necessary).
  1. Have you ever talked to him about your childhood and the damage your parents caused? I wrote a letter to my alcoholic mother last year because she refused to engage face to face about her behaviour. It hasn't changed who she is but I've had my say, it was therapeutic getting it out there and she now doesn't challenge the fact that I keep my distance and manage our relationship on my terms. I've also gotten over the guilt/sense of responsibility associated with having an alcoholic parent.

You're an adult at the end of the day, a great one by the sounds of it, make a decision and own it. I found thinking about what kind of example I wanted to set for my DS helped me.

Good luck.

fassbendersmistress · 31/10/2015 21:01

Ps: I went NC with my dad in my twenties. Gave him no explanation, altho he surely knew why. He died 2 yrs later and I didn't grieve for him. I thought I was over him already. 10 years later the grief finally emerged from where I had pushed it down to....and I had a terrible time for a while. What I'm saying is, whatever decision you make, be prepared to face and deal with all the issues and emotions at the time. Don't try and run from those.

wtffgs · 31/10/2015 21:05

Crikey! I'm sorry you've had some shitty responses Confused

It sounds like you've done your best but this situation is beyond salvage.

Take care of yourself and your DC and, yes, it is probably best to cut contact with this man.

pastaofplenty · 31/10/2015 21:17

Sorry you had an awful experience OP. His behaviour sounds awful.

I would though imagine that going on an all inclusive holiday (where booze is literally on tap) may have been incredibly stressful for him and although not wanting to excuse his behaviour may have contributed to it.

At the end of the day it's up to you whether you go NC. As you've said he has been good in the past - but does that make up for this or the years of abuse you've endured - only you can answer that.

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 31/10/2015 21:29

Thanks all so much, notime that's exactly what happened when I got the call saying he had a stroke. I didn't think I cared what happened to either of my parents but my mother's death absolutely shook my life for a couple of years but I was very glad we had rebuilt our relationship in the last 8 months of her life. I don't know how I would have coped if she'd died out of the blue with no opportunity to heal.

Regarding the drinking- he can still have one or two but can't drink to excess anymore but one of my friends pointed out that last night he had a few (the sweary, storming off instance) and this morning may have been a bit withdrawally?

Very good point about the old dad still being there though and rethinking having him look after DD, she doesn't like being around him very much (nothing sinister, just the irritating way he goes on) so that's all defiantly off the table.

It just scares me having absolutely nobody. Of course I have friends, I'm extraordinarily lucky in that regard but it's daunting having nobody family wise.

I would really love to know what that controlling comment is all about Confused

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 31/10/2015 21:47

I would do it if that is something that you feel would benefit you.

I would join AlAnon, or seek counselling for adult children of alcoholics, if I were you. There are probably many elements of your childhood that could do with sifting through. There is a huge amount of grief and sense of loss associated with being the child of alcoholics. You are not going to escape that no matter what you choose, but it sometimes helps to address the hole in your life. It is scary having nobody and realising that very starkly, but have you ever really had anybody?

The children should not be exposed to a raging control freak who spews insults and undermines you in public and in front of them. That will make them feel very insecure. I would certainly end contact between them and your dad.

NothingNewUnderTheSun · 31/10/2015 21:55

SoleBizzzz Sat 31-Oct-15 20:37:28

Did you try and control your Dad too?

What kind of a half arsed unhelpful comment is that ffs?

NoahVale · 31/10/2015 22:00

oh so he is drinking still?
i dont think you should cut contact personally.
put it down to a bad experience of being in too close contact. holidays can be hard work after all. getting on each others nerves and that sort of thing.
perhaps it was all a trigger for him. all that alcohol.
and of course you need him for baby sitting.
give him a break but dont cut all ties.
just limit how much time you spend together.

NoahVale · 31/10/2015 22:01

i wouldnt go on holiday with my parents.

NoahVale · 31/10/2015 22:03

i am in two minds about seeing my mother at christmas.
I love her but close proximity - they get on your nerves and vice versa no doubt.

SoleBizzzz · 31/10/2015 23:01

I had a turbulent relationship with my Father and i had therapy. I realised my Father and i are very alike in ways. Have you considered that you might be similar to your Father and irritate each other?

I'm nit answering your unpleasent PM, OP.

Original poster
SrAssumpta · 31/10/2015 23:12

My "unpleasant PM" was simply inquiring about your absurd comment Hmm I see now you were just projecting so that explains it.

Thanks everyone, my head is fried but we fly home tomorrow and I can't wait!

OP posts:
JoyceDivision · 31/10/2015 23:17

Op, tha sounds awful, protct your DD and drop the contact.

Such behaviour would be way past 'irritating' each other.

Notimefortossers · 31/10/2015 23:23

If you can tolerate him in small doses, then chalk this trip up to a bad experience, accept him for who he is and keep contact (situations where you are in control and can remove yourself if necessary).

Yes this. This is what I do now. And it works for me. My DC are 7, 4 and 8 months. He's never been allowed to look after them until very recently (due to me not wanting anything that happened to me as a child to happen to them). Now he's allowed to have them for short periods of time and only the older two, because I know they would tell me if anything happened that they were unhappy about and then he would not get a second chance. My Dad is a VERY changed man from when my siblings and I were children though.

Good luck OP Flowers

StayWithMe · 31/10/2015 23:31

There is no way I would let your df babysit if you suspect he's still drinking. You know your child doesn't like being around him so it would be no great loss to her, OP. I went no contact with my family and as a result had no contact with cousins, aunts, etc. I was by myself for years. I was still happier than I was when I had the unhealthy relationships with them. I hope you're happy no matter your decision OP.

Hissy · 01/11/2015 09:09

You gave him a chance to be a decent human being, but he isn't one. He's a deeply flawed person with demons he won't address.

By all means distance yourself from him if that's what helps you. Keep your dd distant from him too, she doesn't need to be roared at for being a 4yo.

Friends are great family when you only have a rubbish one.

OurBlanche · 01/11/2015 11:25

And should he ever ask why you are keeping your distance, not letting him see your DH etc just say "You know why" and leave it there.

There will be absolutely no way of making your feelings heard, so don't try. Stay as far away as you feel is necessary and don't even begin to feel at fault. You did not train him to be an awful shouty get, nor did your daughter. Let him stew in a life he made for himself.