To never want to speak to my dad again?

[SrAssumpta]

I really hope you can give me some perspective on this because right now it feels pretty awful.

My ex left out of the blue a couple of months ago and me, him and our DD (4) had a big all inclusive holiday booked. My dad was recently single too so I asked him to come instead and he was delighted.

Quick background: I was dragged up in a violent,alcoholic home as an only child. Never really blamed my parents for everything as I see alcoholism as an illness etc. I only have my dad left and he isn't in the best health so hasn't been able to drink for a good few years which is great.

So he came on holiday with us and though I saw signs of the old control freak dad I lived with all those years ago (getting seriously angry when I refused to tell DD to put her small stuffed toy down while she was dancing at kiddy disco- swearing at me and storming off- !?)

But this morning he was raging I was letting DD go to breakfast in her witches dress, I just laughed it off saying ah will you stop it's Halloween, she's excited! But he kept going on and on about what everyone would think and how it'd be better for evening time and I just shrugged it off so he really tore me apart saying how I hadn't washed her in 2 days (my daughter is honestly very well looked after I'm so hurt and insulted that a man with pretty horrific personal hygiene can speak to me like this in front of my child) and how I "wasn't looking after her" this simply isn't true, I think he just wanted to hurt me because I wasn't taking his opinion about the witches dress on board.

It sounds dramatic but I feel like I never want to see him again, we aren't particularly close anyway but he's the only family I have and has been quite helpful with DD when I've needed to work last minute. But I think to criticize my parenting, the one thing I've given my absolute all -and in front of my daughter- I just don't know how I can. But just a few months after ex leaving it feels like I'm the common denominator here.

Am I being unreasonable/dramatic?

Yes, lots of us out here with family but no family. It can seem like bad luck of the draw. I think you'll get used to it. You aren't alone in having this situation - so knowing that can help. There can be a void at first. But in time - more pleasant interactions will fill it. Cliche, but, when life hands you lemons ... and this is definitely a lemon ...
Best wishes!

Again, thanks so much all.

Finally home and I actually feel worse. He made as little effort as I did to "make up" so me and DD did our own thing in the airport etc. I was getting a present duty free on the plane and had to pay by card and he offered me money but I said I was fine. Then in the airport he asked were we sharing a taxi and I said no, he asked was I okay for money (?!)

It reminds me of the mornings he'd get really rough with me or shouty when I was taking ages getting ready for school but he'd stop at the shop on the way to get me chocolate or something by way of apology rather than just acknowledge what he'd done. Sounds stupid but then it also makes me guilty for being frosty when someone's being all pally.

I really don't know what's going to happen next, the drink isn't a problem anymore at all like he definitely wasn't drinking when minding DD or anything but that anger and strange fuse that can be set off by the weirdest things are still there.

I had been doing really great but two main people out of my life in a matter of months god I do feel isolated.

It's tough. I really feel for you. Unfortunately, I think we are sort of rigged to feel depression when we part from family - otherwise, maybe there would be no bonds to hold families together? I have a similar situation, but more time has passed, and I can say, it does get better - but you kind of have to stop yourself from doing what they call ... ruminating. Not meaning chewing grass! : ) But, mentally going down paths that result in sad feelings. If you can get your mind off it sometimes, I think it helps.
Best wishes.

SrAssumpta, you can reach out to adult children of alcoholics for fellowship, maybe even reassurance that you can weather this and come out feeling good about it. You might also like to post on the Stately Homes threads here, where people who had parents who let them down in many serious ways share wisdom.

SrAssumpta I really understand how you feel. My dad is a recovering alcoholic and when he stopped drinking it was great but it didn't change him as a person or erase all if the things he'd done while drinking.

I think you should keep reminding yourself that nine of this is your fault. Your responses are all shaped by your experiences as a kid including the overwhelming need to forgive him so that you can all be 'normal'.

A holiday was way too much to ask of yourself. If NC is best for you do that. If it's better to have a bit of carefully managed contact that's fine too. Remember that he didn't choose to stop drinking and hasn't recognised his behaviours so the change will be limited in depth.

Fwiw I think you sound very together but some counselling might help you pick done of this apart. You also sound like a lovely fun mum who stands up for her daughter. That is a real achievement right there especially with your (our) background.

Sorry for typos. Feel very moved by your posts!